Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism. – Kenny Powers

What is up kids?

Welcome to the first Tuesday edition of Here Comes the Money!  i hope everyone had a fantastic Memorial day weekend.  Mine was definitely pretty money, i slept a decent amount and played a ton of pong and boozed heavily all weekend.  i’m pretty sure i blacked out twice, or at the very least i don’t remember how two nights ended.  My apologies to my roommate Carl, who i apparently told the same story to a hundred times Friday night.  i kinda blame him because he’s a fantastic listener, but for real i’m such a Chatty Cathy when i drink.  And by Chatty Cathy i mean annoying close talking ahole.

And i also will say i hope everyone took at least a little time on your day off to realize everything our soldiers have done to protect our country.  i know it’s easy to get caught up in the BBQ’s and the nonsense, but the sacrifice these brave men and women make in order for us to live as freely as we do is beyond anything i am capable of.  There is ZERO chance i would ever join the service, not because i do not love my country but i just have this huge thing against dying.  And besides eating garbage and destroying my liver i do a decent amount of things to try not to die, or even get hurt really.

But the lack of selfishness it must take in order to give up your life to protect others is beyond me.  i’d like to think that if it came down to it and my friends and family are involved that i would do anything to protect them.  But in a matter of life and death who knows how you will react?  i can talk tough all i want about how i’d jump in front of a bullet for someone.  But if i did see someone pull out a gun i would probably build a house to hide in out of all the bricks i just $hitted in my pants in order to protect myself.  But i can only speculate on how i’d react, i can never know for sure.  People like my parents who are both Marines were obviously brave enough to make that sacrifice, and i can’t help but wonder if they’ve ever looked down on me because i wasn’t willing to do the same.  My dad would have been a huge fan of me joining the service, but from what i can tell the Marines are looking for too many slightly overweight Hispanic guys who play beer pong, are super sensitive and write in their “diary” three times a week under the guise of a blog…

But just because i know i could never join the service myself does not make me appreciate our troops any less, in fact it’s just the opposite.  And i hate when people in politics blame the other parties and say “they are against the troops, they do not support the troops.”  Because yeah there are some peace freaks out there that do not support the troops, and the thought of troops coming home from Vietnam getting spit on by people does make me sick and i’m glad that i never had to see that in my lifetime.  But i do believe you can be against the war but also support the troops.  i am not for the Iraq war but i would never say anything against the troops because all they ever do is what they are told is needed to protect America.  i believe this can also be summed up by the classic old saying of “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” 

i don’t know, i guess it’s no big revelation for me to say “Support the Troops!”  “Wow, way to put yourself out there miguel.  It took a lot of guts to write this blog.”  For once you’re right person who comments during my blog and somehow i both hear it and type it out for you.  But i didn’t write this to make some amazing point, i didn’t write this to be funny. “Obviously not!”  Alright now you can shut up jerkface…

idk, i’m just proud to be American sometimes and this weekend was one of them.  Some of other stuff like our obsession with celebrities, the fact that every single movie that comes out is either a sequel or a remake and no original idea has come out of Hollywood in the last 25 years, or even white people’s obsession with vampires, none of that can take away from the fact that this country is the money.  And we are this way because people have fought for that right.  And again, hopefully you all thought about that for even a hot second on your third burger and second hot dog.  And that steak thing wrapped in bacon that my roommate Duffy made which was tremendous.  Oh and starting off the day with a glass of Svedka Citron and Sprite was probably a good way to guarantee i would be huking in the back yard before the day was over.  God Bless the US and A!

RANDOM NONSENSE

 -i’ve never been comfortable enough with a girlfriend to ever want to fart in front of her.  i see some of my guy friends and they will blast them in front of their girl like it’s nothing, like it’s a big joke.  Hahaha.  idk, i get that there are some girls that are cool enough to think it’s funny but it’s just not my thing.  i feel like my main goal as a boyfriend is to always have my girl into me and down to bang, and farting in front of them does not accomplish that goal.  Of if it does they are a sicko.

-Don’t you guys love that new game “Scrabble Buddies!” everyone is playing nonstop on the Iphone?  It’s so addicting and so much fun!  Oh wait, i guess it’s called “Words with Friends”, i must have gotten the name wrong because i have a life and don’t play games that my mom is also addicted too.  My favorite thing is to watch 3 people sitting at a table all playing this game on their phones, but never looking up or conversing at all because they are too into their “game” to actually talk to these so called friends.  Although i guess it’s nice that if you play this you can literally have zero real life interaction with these people even if you are in the same room as them.  i guess that’s what the big appeal of this game is.  But yeah i will not get involved in this game because i am a moron and don’t know any words and have already graduated college so i don’t need anymore homework.  So have fun dorks!

-i hate that the “WWF” stands for the World Wildlife Federation instead of World Wrestling Federation like it used to.  C’mon wrestling, really?  You really lost that battle with the fluffy bunnies and cuddly bears?  Grow up wrestling.  And yes if you are wondering, fluffy bunnies and cuddly bear were two of my nicknames in college.

-Aren’t moms the hardest people to buy gifts for ever?  We get it, you take care of everyone in the entire family.  Nothing we can get you compares to that.  Get a hobby already!  For real, i can only get you that manicure pedicure combo from that nail place in town so many years in a row.  Moms follow zero sports teams, they aren’t into any movies or tv shows.  Or at least not into shows enough to ever put on a DVD of it if you get it for her, it will sit unwatched forever.  i’ve only gotten my mom one good gift EVER, she used to play this ghetto solitaire game on the computer, like the original ghetto one that used to be on all PC’s.  So i bought her this “Ultimate Solitaire”game that has like a million different versions of solitaire and other card games and the graphics are a million times better and have talking characters and what not so she plays that all the time now.  And that was like 8 years ago, i’ve never come up with anything good since.  If anyone’s got any ideas i’m all ears…

“Facebook etiquette”- That’s it, i’m officially making a new Facebook rule.  Anyone who goes to Vegas and takes pictures, when you make a new album on Facebook you can NOT call the album “Whatever happens in Vegas…” Honestly, EVERYBODY F’N DOES IT!  Can no one think of any original name for a photo album besides this tired old phrase?  There are a MILLION different Vegas references you can use!  “Vegas baby, Vegas!” “Fear and loathing in Las Vegas.”  Hell, i’ll even take “Viva Rock Vegas” for crying out loud.  But no more “Whatever happens in Vegas,” albusm, okay?  And i’m telling you not asking you.

So apparently i should have switched my blog to Tuesday sooner because today’s blog is tremendous!  i’m actually going to go back and read it again it was so funny…. okay i’m back.  Actually i was finished reading it again a little while ago but i couldn’t write yet because i was too busy holding my sides from laughing!  So my next blog will be either Thursday or Friday, i haven’t figured it out yet.  If anyone has any preference let me know.

And oh yeah i’ve kinda plateau’d as far as followers go at 17.  Which is fantastic don’t get me wrong, and to the 17 of you when i make it big i will remember you first.  But some of you other people who read this all the time but don’t comment or become a follower i say become a follower today because it makes me feel good.  If i can be up to 20 by the end of the week you will make me smile, and who doesn’t want to see my $hit eating grin?  Aholes that’s who.

cya… soon? – miguel jo$é

All that i need is the air that i breathe, all that i need are things i don’t need. And all that really matters is what matters to me… And who of you are like me? – Shannon Hoon

What is up kids?

So between being hungover over and being at work on this gorgeous day even though most of my friends have already taken off because they are way smarter then me, i will tell you right now that i am already checked OUT.  If you are one of my clients, my advice to you would be either to call back on Tuesday if you want me to do anything, or if you have to get something done today expect it to be done poorly and/or wrong. 

And honestly i don’t care, cause f everybody who makes me do work today.  For real, what is the point of owning your own business if you have to do awful work on Friday before Memorial day weekend?  Wow, you run your own buisness but my loser friends with the $hitty jobs are already drunk down the shore enjoying the sun while you are wearing a suit and tie in your office talking to your accountant.  Looks like you really made it buddy.

The more i write this the more i realize what a moron i am for being here today.  It’s making hate everyone and everything, and everytime my phone rings i have a mini breakdown.  i can’t even be fired up that i have off Monday yet, i’m too busy cursing myself for being a f’n ahole who forgot to take today off!!!

Haha i had a good idea for today’s blog but i’m just too riled up to do it so whatever, you get this rant and that’s it.  And just a reminder, next week there will be no Monday blog due to the holiday so i will CU next Tuesday instead.  As far as moving to only 2 blogs a week i guess i’m still doing that but i’m not totally sure.  But next week will definitley be on Tuesday, and then either Thursday or Friday depending on what i’m figuring.  Although after today’s awful debacle who knows if any of you will even bother to come back.  But whatever i know no one’s reading this anyway because you’re all relaxing on a beach while i am literally stuck in hell!!!!!  Enjoy some random nonsense already…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-How come girls NEVER have single friends?  The math doesn’t seem to work out for me, i mean i’m guessing there are a ton of single girls out there.  i just apparently never meet any.  And any of the girls i’m friends with, none of them are ever like “Oh you should meet my friend what’s her name, she’s my single hot friend who loves weed and football and she works at Best Buy and has a crazy discount.”  Nope, that never happens.  Because girls do not have single friends.  So thanks for nothing ladies!

-To all the fellas, if you see a pregnant woman, DO NOT ASK HER IF SHE’S HAVING TWINS!  Or if you do want to ask her that, just make sure to say, “Wow, even for a pregnant woman you are really really fat!”  Because that is basically what you are saying anyway.  i know guys are the worst and trying to help them out is a losing cause but i try to do what i can.

-Republicans always talk about teachers being too “liberal”, and that they spread their liberal ideas to children and that is bad for the country.  First of all, if the most educated people in the country happen to be liberal that should probably tell you something.  But besides that, when you were a kid was there anything that you gave less of a $hit about then politics?  These people act like teachers are telling kids all these liberal ideas and then kids are going to grow up thinking they should vote Democratic.  Really?  i didn’t get into politics until WAY after high school, and most of my friends are still not into it.  So i’m guessing even if these liberal teachers were preaching their ideas it must not have worked too well because most people i know either don’t follow politics or don’t care or both.  And if anything, if i was a kid and a teacher started preaching some liberal nonsense i would just go against whatever they were saying just for the fact that they are tools.  “Wait my english teacher voted for John Kerry?  i will vote for George Bush just out of spite!”  Actually, i’m pretty sure that’s how George W got elected that second time…

-i’m a big Barry Bonds fan.  Yeah i know he’s an ahole but at least he doesn’t even try to hide it.  He hated the media and he let them know it every chance he got.  “But he used steroids and he lied about it!”  First of all, most of these players did and everyone knows it.  But Bonds had to watch American go CRAZY over Mark Mcguire when he was obviously using steroids when he broke the record.  But Mark Mcguire is white and likeable so the entire country cheered him on.  All Barry Bonds did was figure, “Hey, if America has no problem with someone taking steriods to beat the record then i’m going to take a bunch of them and f’n CRUSH that record because i’m way more talented.”  And what happened whem Bonds broke the record?  “OMG he’s cheating!  There needs to be an asterisk next to his name by the home run record!”  Oh, so because he’s unlikeable and black all of a sudden it’s not okay to cheat anymore.  No wonder he hates the media.

“Facebook etiquette”--Hey Facebook, when i’m creating an event , can you not automatically put an end time 3 hours later then when i put my start time?  This may be one of my Facebook bits that not everyone gets but i feel pretty passionately about it.  “Hey Miguel, i saw that your birthday party starts at 9 pm but ends at Midnight??”  Nope, Facebook just decided for me that my party is going to be lame.  Thanks Facebook!

Ugh, this blog is B material at best but what can you do i guess.  There was at least a chuckle or two in there wasn’t there?  No?  Fine i’ll make sure to send you your money back.

And oh yeah congrats to my boy Charles and his wife Rachel who had their first child yesterday!  Normally i hate anything that has to do with kids and marriage and awfulness but these two are one of the few couples that should be together and i love them both and couldn’t be happier for them.  All my friends are growns up!  Yet i sit here in agony after boozing at the 9 iron all night and then coming back to play pong outside till 1 in the morning.   Oh the different lives we lead…

Have a great long weekend everyone, and remember i will see you on TUESDAY.  – miguel jo$é

You know how I define the economic and social classes in this country? The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. The poor are there… just to scare the $hit out of the middle class. -George Carlin

What is up kids?

Yeah i lied, you get another Carlin quote right after i said i would relax with those for awhile.  So apparently i’m a liar.  And while i’m at it, i might as well also admit i like to steal things.  i admit a lot of awful things about me in this blog so i might as well throw this out there as well.  i am a dirty stinking… Thief!  Who was thinking Mexican??  You racist jerks, i will steal from you next!

But yeah everything is just TOO expensive.  Who can afford to just “buy” all the goods and services you need? You obviously know i can’t after that blog i wrote about not paying bills.  “But i didn’t read that blog, do you expect me to read EVERY single one??”  Yes, yes i do.

To me, it’s almost hard not to steal.  i mean the game is rigged kids, i don’t need to tell you that.  Society is built around the premise that the rich get to keep everything and the rest of us have to work our entire lives.  It’s as simple as that.  The rich make it seem like we can become one of them but it really is impossible.  i mean sure some people are able to do so, and i call them white people.  But the odds are not in our favor, just because a person wins the lottery doesn’t mean that makes it easier for me to do so as well. When we see someone win we all think “Wow it is possible!” But in reality, it isn’t.  Most of us will work everyday, pay off bills the rest of our life, and spend the little money we do have on gadgets and appliances that we probably don’t need.

And i accept that, i don’t need a whole hell of a lot to be happy in life so i’ve become okay with this.  And if these are the rules so be it. However, since i have been known to break the rules from time to time i am going to steal a whole bunch of $hit in the process.  Batteries, razor blades, gum, candy bars, contact solution, pint glasses from bars… all of this $hit is coming home with me for free.  Hey, if you catch me i will deal with the consequences.  But until that happens i am going to continue to be one theiving basterd.

idk, am i supposed to feel bad?  Because i don’t, not one bit.  And you can judge me all you want, everyone steals at least a little bit in their own way.  Whether it be snacking on something at the supermakret without paying for it, those pens we take home from TD bank because they are AWESOME, taking a 40 minute lunch instead of a half hour, because techincally you are getting paid for time you aren’t working.  So if you we’re gonna start judging everyone let’s keep it fair, shall we?

There are some people like my mother who never steal, and God bless her for that.  It’s nice to know there are genuinely good people out there.  i know i’m not that good of a person, but i also realize i’m not on the other end of the spectrum with all the other evil aholes either.  i would think i’m somewhere in the middle, or if anything closer to being good.  i think i have a good heart, i just enjoy the occasional illegal substance and refuse to pay for batteries or razors.  Because for real, razors are like $22!  Who has that kind of money to spend on razors?  Not me, i’m too busy buying booze when i go out to bars.  If i played fair i wouldn’t be able to do both, but since i steal them i can have a beer and have a beautifully smooth angelic face.  That’s win win kids. 

RANDOM NONSENSE

-If you are in a verbal fight with someone, and they are extremely mad and yelling while they are trying to make their point, if you want to guarantee that person totally loses their $hit when they are done yelling just say, “Are you finished?”  MAN do people hate that!  Another good thing to do with people this mad is just tell them to “relax”.  There is nothing angry people want to hear less then to be told to relax.  A lot of people may have good ideas on how to help stop fighting or advice on how to be a better person, but i’d rather help you infuriate someone more and drive them even more crazy.  Probably because i’m a real bag of douche

-If you want to see a movie about fast cars, do NOT go see “Fast Five”.  That movie has little to no car racing, and i was extremely dissapointed.  You know what other movies i can watch if i don’t want to see car racing?  ALL OF THEM!   That movie was definitely furious but there was little to none fast.  i went expecting to see some NOS in the first 5 minutes and it didnt’ show up till almost the end!  And i don’t even get what NOS is!!   And no, i will not being going to see Fast 6 when it comes out because that would just be ridiculous.

-To all people ordering food at restaurants, you never have to tell your waiter or waitress the following: “You can just bring out the food whenever it’s ready.”  Really?  What do you think i’m waiting for Ahole?  i mean thank God you told me that because your food’s been ready for a 1/2 hour, i was just assuming you wanted to wait.  Could you give me more awful tips on how to help serve you better?  “i see that you have a full drink in front of you, do you need a refill?  Oh wait i get it, i should probably wait until you finish the drink and then give you the refill.  i’ve only been a waiter for 5 years, can you please give me more useless advice?  Because apparently i need it….”

-i almost cried at the movie “Big Daddy.”  Yes the one with Adam Sandler, and go F*ck yourself!  That part towards the end when they take the kid and he’s like “i wipe my own a$$” and Sandler’s like “I know!”  All of a sudden i felt myself start to tear up and i was like what the F???  But i didn’t cry, which was good cause i was with an ex at the time and you can never, EVER cry in front of your woman fellas.  But yeah that stupid movie almost got me.  As far as stuff i have cried at the only thing i can think of off hand is the Lion King.  But for real if you didn’t cry when Mufasa died and Simba starts nudging him and then crawls under his dead fathers arm….. Let’s just say there is a reason they launch into “Hakuna Matata” 5 seconds later, they needed to cheer up everyone in the audience ASAP.

“Facebook etiquette”- To everyone who plays “Farmville” or that mob game, or any “Scrabble” type nonsense on Facebook, can you just get a gddamn Playstation 3, or XBox or something already?  i get playing these games at work i guess because honestly, who does work at work?  But some of you are out of control with this garbage, for real there are some sick video games out there.  Most of us are living in the future and playing our high tech games and a bunch of you are still collecting trees and vegetables for your farm game!  “But that’s not how you play Farmville, you don’t collect trees and vegetables!”  Oh wow, i didn’t know that.  It must be because i have a life…

Wow i really need to give up these Wednesday blogs, it’s so f’n busy at my job on Wednesdays!  Lucky for me this is my blog and i’ll do what i want.  I just need to figure out exactly what that is first…

Cya kids Friday!!!! – miguel jo$é

We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? -Daniel Tosh

What is up kids?

So yeah that was the gayest rapture ever.  And in case anyone’s wondering yes my parents do apparently read my blog, so if they didn’t know when i had sex for the first time they do now.  Remind me to never, ever speak to my parents again.  And oh yeah the blog i write about drugs on Friday might be a rough one…

i am totally sober as i write this,  i should admit that right off the bat.  But anyways… since most of you probably at least checked out the Yankees Mets game last night i’m gonna figure today is a good day to go off on fantasy baseball.  Plus i checked my stats and Monday is my least read blog anyways.  So if you can’t handle this go f yourself and read random nonsense already.  i guarantee at least one good random nonsense joke per blog!  Alright fine one good one per week.  Possibly bi-weekly.  Semi-annually at worst…

For the most part girls don’t seem to play fantasy sports, probably because they have better things to do like looking hot and whatever else girls do besides that.  Plus fantasy baseball is fun, and what lesson have we learned from this blog so far kids?  That’s right, you have learned nothing.  But what you could have learned on your own by now is girls do not like to have fun, hence the reason they can save money.  But now that i think about it, is fantasy baseball actually any fun?

The answer is no.  i played fantasy baseball for 7 or 8 years.  The first year i ever played i picked up a rookie free agent on the waiver wire named Albert Pujols.  He was doing okay and he was Dominican like me so i like f it i’ll take a chance.  That was probably the last good pickup i ever had…

Fantasy baseball is nothing but nonstop disappointment, frustration, and dealing with pu$$y baseball players and their constant injuries.  It’s basically the same thing as fantasy football, except it’s zero fun, the draft is usually online which is f’n ghetto, and i hate having to watch baseball and pay attention to the bottom line on ESPN to check out my stats every gddamn morning and night.  And you have to read news on players ALL THE F’N TIME.  It never ends, it’s like nonstop homework for a $hitty class.

The only reason guys play fantasy baseball, besides trying to make this 18 month long baseball season bearable of course, is because we are competitive aholes who like to lose money and we have nothing better to do.  What else am i going to do at work, do work?  F that, i’d rather read news on the latest catcher who might be brought up in Texas only to find out that the ahole in 2nd place already picked him up last week.  Instead i’ll end up picking up Barry Bonds the year after he sets the home run record and gets injured week 2 for the season, or i’ll take Paul Konerko and Mike Lowell the years they bat .141 and .218 respectively for the year. Or how about I get Robinson Cano the season he batted .200 until the All-star break?  i swear it’s like these players know i picked them in the draft and are going out of there way to f me in every hole. Can you guys have at least an average season? Oh you can’t? You have to bat 100 points under your normal average and hit 30 less home runs then you did before?  Thanks for that buddy, i really appreciate you totally f’n blowing it and ruining my season yet again.

i finally gave up playing fantasy baseball and it was one of the best decisions i’ve ever made.  It’s like being in an awful relationship or working at a $hitty job, and then you finally end it with that girl or quit that stupid job and you’re just like “Holy S i feel FANASTIC!!  Why did i wait so long to end that awfulness?”  Those of you still in fantasy baseball leagues just try taking a season off.  i promise you, you will never play this horrific and stupid game ever again.

One final point i’d like to make are about the two ways in which one can play fantasy baseball, Rotisserie or head to head.  First of all, don’t both of them sound like sex positions?  Oh wait i’m sorry, i mean both names ARE sex positions!  Basically they are telling you no matter which type of fantasy baseball you’re playing you are going to get f*cked.  But yeah if i had to choose a format i’d choose head to head.  i don’t dig rotisserie because then i am against ALL stats every night.  Anytime anyone hits a home run or pitches a great game it goes against me because some ahole will have that guy on their team.  At least in head to head i only have to hate certain guys week to week.  But as far as advantages go that is it, both ways are awful, both ways are nothing but heartbreak, and both ways have the same outcome.  i get fired up at the draft because i get some good guys, 2 months in i start regretting everything as all my pitchers tank, month 3 i’m making awful trades just to look at some new and different guys to hate, and by after the all-star break i have already given up and started looking forward to what really matters… Fantasy Football!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i have to buy a new phone, and i was wondering if i should get a 3G or 4G.  It was becoming a really tough decision and i was constantly weighing my options.  But then i realized, oh yeah i don’t know what the f*ck any of that means.  i’m guessing 4G is better because it’s a higher number? Am i the only person on the planet who doesn’t get what any of this nonsense means?   idk, but either way buying a new phone is way too f’n complicated these days.

-i don’t know how to swim.  i feel like people are surprised to hear this, but that’s because they are judging aholes.  i didn’t have a pool growing up, does that help my defense?  It’s pretty hard to learn how to swim in the bathtub.  “And you were Mexican so of course you never took baths!”  C’mon Fuchs, you just had a birthday and you’re still as racist as ever?  You have a lot of growing up to do buddy.  But yeah i don’t swim so get off my back everyone.  And yes i can doggy paddle, if i was on a sinking boat i’d live for like 5 minutes after the boat went down.  But i’d get mad tired and be the first to drown.  And i can’t float either, you would think i could with my buoyant belly and all but alas i can not.  But regardless of all this i do love being in the water.  And yes when my family came to this country they hopped a fence and didn’t come over a raft.  i hate all of you.

-The movie “Goodfellas” is bar none the all-time WORST movie to watch ever… if you are hungry.  Holy S balls, even if you are only just a little bit hungry, you will be STARVING within 10 minutes.  There is just nonstop Italian feasts going on the entire time, even when they are in prison they eat a better Italian meal then you could get at Maggianos! Do not watch that movie if you don’t have food at your place, i’d suggest a pizza, penne vodka and a TON of sausage and peppers.  But if you’re hanging out with Mary Jane watching the movie and you have none food in the house you will eat any shady dish you can muster up i will promise you that.  But for the record, uncooked spaghetti on rye bread in tomato sauce tastes AWFUL.

-i think another reason people have kids, besides the obvious brainwashing from society telling us we “have” to do so in order to be happy in life, is that it may help you to not be complete out of control disasters.  Like for example, there is stuff i would never do or risk because i don’t want to disappoint my parents.  But if there comes a time when they are not on this planet anymore, my life will get straight RUTHLESS because i won’t give an F about anything.  Who am i going to disappoint, myself?  The guy who had McDonalds for breakfast and lunch on Saturday before boozing and throwing up and then getting Wendy’s late night spending the entire next day deucing and crying on the bowl to no end?  Because trust me, that guy doesn’t have such high standards for himself.  But yeah anyways i guess if you have kids then you won’t be so out of control because you don’t want to look bad to them.  So maybe for my own sake, for society’s sake, i should have kids someday.  Or maybe not.

“Facebook etiquette”- Just a heads up to everyone on Facebook, i do have eyes and i am normally in a building that has windows.  So you can probably stop with the constant weather updates everyone always puts as their status nonstop.  “OMG it’s raining again!”  Oh yeah is it?  Because i couldn’t tell by all the rain i could see and hear outside.  Unless you are John Cusack or Bubble Boy trying to warn me about the end of the world i have my Weatherbug App on my ipod if i need a weather service. Besides the obvious just “looking outside” technique that i have perfected of course.

So congrats everyone, we survived the first end of the world.  i still think the real one is coming December 21st 2012 but hopefully we have a few more fun ones before that.  And thanks to my mom who called me just to say “And i hear the world is supposed to end tomorrow, and i don’t think it will, but just in case know that me and your dad love you.”  Haha nice move covering all your basis just in case ma, i love you too! 🙂  And happy birthday to my big sister Lori who was the only one in my family who looked out for growing up, or at least the only one who didn’t hate me in the family.  I get along with everyone now, but during that “rough” period i had which was basically when i was 1-19 years old she was the only one on my side and i’d just like to thank her for that in front of everyone.  Happy birthday Lorenza!

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son. – Dean Wormer, "Animal House"

What is up kids?

i guess this is my last blog ever before the end of the world tomorrow.  i’d better make it count….

But with everyone graduating college these days it really made me wonder, what the F is the point of college? I mean besides meeting girls and getting laid for the first time, and experimenting with drugs and learning the occasional thing or two from some of those “classes” that they make us go to.  “Wait a second, it took you until college before you lost your virginity?  What a lame a$$!”  Oh yeah?  Go F yourself person judging me, i preferred to wait until i was in love.  And it took until my sophomore year until i met that special someone, that little blonde baby girl who lived down the hall that i thought was super hot for two years who FINALLY caved in after a party one night when we were both drunk, and who i gave the quite possibly the best 30 to 90 seconds of her life.  In my defense, $ex feels really good and i was a rookie.  But i was ready to go a second time a little bit later and did much better.  I think we even tried for a third time but i was finito.  In baseball terms i would say i was 2-3 with an infield single and a home run. 

So yeah i think my parents know about my blog but i haven’t asked them if they actually read it.  i really, really hope they don’t.  But if you do ma and dad i hope you stop now forever….

But yeah that’s all i remember about college.  i joined a frat my first semester and partied for 3 semesters straight before they kicked me out.  My GPA wasn’t that bad, i had a 1.9 i think and 2 was the lowest you could have before they kick you out.  i could have tried to stay in school but i knew i wasn’t appying myself so i stopped and just worked $hitty jobs for awhile.  Then after a few years i went to Bergen Community college, then i ended up going to William Paterson and graduated after 3 years with 3.0 gpa overall and a 3.8 in my major. True, my major was Communications but whatever, i did it! I graduated!  And yet somehow i still find myself working at a $hitty job…

Although now i’m thinking… who f’n cares that i graduated?  I’ve got school loans that i won’t have paid off until i eventually have kids and then someday they are in college.  And i guess i’m kinda glad that i have a diploma ,but for real 30k in hole glad?  No f’n way.  And it’s not like i needed my diploma for my job now, they never asked to check it once.  i could be a Harvard grad for all they know.  So really, did it help me out at all?

i don’t know, this whole money thing is garbage but the experience was one of the best times of my life.  In addition to popping my cherry i made some of the best friends of my life and had the craziest times ever, so that can’t be all bad i guess.  And i met the girl i thought i would have eventually married, and even though we fought a lot and in the end she just didn’t find me funny anymore (which i don’t blame her for at all, my nonsense gets old REAL quick) that relationship has changed me forever.  For good or bad, it taught me more about myself and love then i ever could have known.  So at least as far as relationships go i did grow up a little.  Which is good because every other aspect of me is an immature ahole haha.

So i guess the point of all this is that i’m glad i went to college.  i wish i was better prepared for it, not the knowledge part because i was smart enough for it but a kid like me couldn’t handle that much partying. Think how much i party now, and imagine me over 10 years ago.  And 30 pounds slimmer.  It was just too much, hence it took me 7 years and 3 colleges to finally graduate.  Every month these school loan bills are a swift kick to my balleens, but if that’s the price i had to pay for the memories that i have i guess it was worth it.  .

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Girls are the meanest people on earth.  If you want proof, just watch someone slip and fall down in front of a girl.  i don’t care if it’s their grandmother or the Pope, i guarantee the girl will DIE laughing.  i don’t mean they will slightly chuckle, or that they will cover their mouths hoping no one notices they are laughing.  For real, they are straight L O L as soon as someone hits the ground.  Personally, my first instinct is to wonder if the person that fell is actually hurt. Because to me, if someone is seriously injured it makes things a lot less funny.  Not to women, there will still be tears in their eyes from laughing so hard before it even occurs to them someone might actually be hurt.  And the funny thing is, there is not ONE woman reading this that will argue against my point.  Because you all know you are heartless bitches who love the misfortune of others.  If only you weren’t all so gddamn hot…

-Attention all tall guys… go after tall girls!  It’s no secret that all girls are insecure, that is really the only reason any of us have a chance with them.  Well the super hot ones anyway.  But no girl wants to date a guy she’s taller then, they always need someone who is at the very least their height.  So if a girls a lot taller, or even a little taller then other girls she probably wants a taller guy.  So go get in there taller guy!  If you make her look smaller in comparison you are in buddy, it kills me when i see a taller guy who isn’t banging every taller girl out there because trust me you could.  How often do you see a really tall girl with a super short guy?  Never is the answer, and it’s the correct answer.   i’m here to help you my giant friends, you may have the height but i got the brains and i use my power for good when i can

-How come all girls love chicken fingers?  Did you all get together one day and just agree that if you ever go out to eat or are on a date the one acceptable item you can always order at a restaurant is chicken fingers?  Don’t get me wrong, i think they are money.  It’s just funny to me this is literally the one thing you all agree on. 

-So after my whole not paying bills rant a bunch of people asked me, “Why don’t you do automatic debit for you bills?  They just take it right out of your account so this way you always pay bills on time!”  Wow, that is fantastic advice!  i can’t see any flaws in that logic!  Oh wait, what if you don’t have enough money in your account and then they automatically debit it?  Because that’s my whole f’n problem, i do not have money in my account.  So yeah unless someone is also automatically putting that money in my account before they take it out i will not be signing up for any automatic bill paying service….

“Facebook etiquette”- if you are married, you probably don’t need to be on Facebook.  Actually, if you are in any sort of relationship you probably don’t need to be on Facebook. Besides it just being a guaranteed dumb fight, everyone knows the only reason you are on FB is to stalk your exes and creep on other people’s pictures.  And i will also guarantee, chances are the person you end up leaving your boyfriend/girlfriend for is already one of your FB friends right now…

Have a great weekend everyone.  Oh wait, i guess have a good night and some of tomorrow because apparently the world is ending May 21st at 6 o’clock. Or is it 9? hahaha 69 …But yeah i honestly don’t care about all the psychos who predict the end of the world nonstop, not even this guy who spent all his money putting up billboards all over town letting people know the rapture is coming.  My only wish is that once Saturday does come, if the world doesn’t end this guy deserves a bullet in his head at 11:59 pm.  This way he’s not a liar, because techincally his world did end on May 21st.  i am really only trying to help this guy out.  And maybe if that’s what we did to everyone predicting the end of the world maybe they’d think twice about doing so if there were actual repercussions.  And honeslty, would anyone care if this ahole was gone from the planet?  Yeah me neither.

See you kids on Monday! – miguel jo$é

And i don’t understand why i sleep all day, and i start to complain that there’s no rain… Shannon Hoon – "No Rain"

What is up kids?

Once again i’m rattled while i write this, what is up with me lately?  idk, i have an idea i guess but i’m not ready to admit it to myself yet so there’s no way to confront it.  i just really don’t want it to be true so i guess i won’t let myself think about it.  Because that always works haha.  But yeah i don’t know why i’m writing this because if i’m not ready to admit it to myself yet i definitely won’t talk about it on my blog.  And yeah i do realize i’m kinda being the worst right now.  But whatever, i admitted to you fools that i cheated on my shoe tying award in kindergarden, that i’m a big David Archuletta fan and i had a Lifetime marathon on Sunday by myself.  i think i tell you guys plenty.  Plus on Friday’s blog i’m going to admit when i lost my virginity, so just be happy with the secrets i’m telling you.  Whoo hoo a teaser for Friday’s blog!!!   Man i am the WORST.

But anyways, maybe it’s this dreary awful weather day in and day out that’s got me down?  This nonstop rain is literally crushing my soul.  No wonder alternative music originated in Seattle, if it rained all day everyday where i lived i’d probably come up with some depressing dark and angry music too.   Although man i sure do miss alternative music, the 90’s in general were just straight MONEY.  And not just because that is the decade my future girlfriend was born in. 

Remember when Nirvana hit the scene?  The music industry literally did not know how to handle it, they were so used to putting poppy garbage or hair metal bands on the radio singing the same stuff over and over again.  Then you had Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains, Soundgarden, Smashing Pumpkins, all these kids come out of Seattle playing badass rock and actually singing about something with substance which was just too much for the mainstream media to handle.  And i won’t even get into all the underrated bands like Dinosaur Jr, Blind Melon and Beck who is only my favorite artist of all time.  None of the bands today rock like those bands, that whiney emo garbage is horrific.  You can sing about pain and heartbreak without being such a pu$$y about it, which is something none of these new bands can figure out.

Haha can everyone tell yet i had zero topic for today?  It is just so hard to get motivated in this weather, for real.  If any of you were smart you’d be in bed watching movies all day not stuck at work talking to ahole clients like i am.  Oh well, this is one of my last Wednesday blogs ever so it might as well be an awful one.  Oh did i tell you guys that yet?  i’m thinking of changing my blog schedule to two times a week, and making those days Tuesday and Friday.  Next week will be my last week of three blogs and then Memorial day weekend i’m gonna go down to two.  First of all, no one reads this garbage on Monday’s anyways. But more importantly the whole reason i did this besides to feed my giant ego was to write more comedy to do for stand up, and now i have a TON of new stuff and ideas.  So starting June i hope to be doing more stand up comedy since i’ve only been talking about doing it for the last 45 years and all.   But yeah it’s time to start making moves kids, this is going to be a big summer for yours truly.  i can feel it.  And lucky for you you get to enjoy the ride all summer, it’ll just be 2 times a week instead of three…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-If Fox News likes to brag that they have the biggest ratings and highest viewers, they cannot also say that the mainstream media has a liberal bias.  Doesn’t the fact that they have the biggest audience make them the mainstream?  You can say other media has a liberal bias if you want, but you can’t call them the mainstream if you are the most popular.  That’d be like the Yankees saying “It’s not fair that only the big market teams buy all the best players!”  i’m pretty sure they’re the biggest market out there, and Fox News if you’re so proud of yourself for having the most viewers by that logic that also makes you the mainstream.  And yes i realize that out of all the hypocracy from that awful station this is such a small thing to nit pick, but it drives me nuts and i had to make that point.  Oh and i also wanted to say “nit pick”. 

-Don’t you hate people that call and leave a message just saying to call back it’s really important, but won’t say what the issue is on the message?  My mom is queen of this. “Miguel it’s your mother, please call me”  Holy S mom is everything okay??? What’s the emergency?!?!  “Your father wanted to know if the Mets were on at 1 today or 4 pm”.  Oh thanks for the heart attack, good thing you didnt’ tell me that on the message you left so i wasn’t a panicky mess.   The next thing you know my mom will write a blog talking about something that is bothering her but never admit what it is…

-Does anyone know anyone’s phone number?  i know my parents home number because i lived in their basement until i was 62 years old , so it was my regular number for most of my life.  But please, now with cell phones i literally know ZERO numbers.  In fact, if i didn’t lose my phone at that wedding i was at i wouldn’t even know my own number.  But after having to give it out a million times it finally stuck with me.  But that’s it, that’s all i got.  i literally can’t even remember the order my best friends are on my speed dials let alone their entire gddamn number.  i’m not sure if this is because i’m lazy, because i have a bad memory, or if it’s just cause i’m not smart.  But i’m guessing all 3.

-Every guy, depending on his tastes, has at least 3 porno sites that they visit regularly.  i don’t mean pay sites, although i’m sure some of you sicko’s actually pay for this nonsense even though you can find free stuff everywhere.  But every guy has at least 2 or 3 sites that are basically their “go to” sites for porno.  He will never admit it to you ladies, but trust me he has them.  If you’re wondering my two favorites are “Dan’s Movies” and “Goddess post”.  The first one is a bunch of random movie clips ranging from “Teen” to… well those are the only movies i watch but i assume there are others.  But goddess post is just pictures instead of movies, but they are pics of “real” girls rather then porn stars.  Some of the ladies reading this may be shocked to learn that their man (No not MY man!  Yes your man) goes on these sites.  But trust me, all the guys reading this not only agree with everything i’ve just said but they have already checked out the sites i just listed.  They are the money right? 

-Speaking of porno, i feel like the phrase “more bang for your buck” should only be used for prostitutes.  People use this phrase for everything, i heard it about an air conditioner the other day.  “Yeah even though this model is pretty cheap, you really get more bang for your buck”.  Really?  i don’t even get where i’m suppossed to put my penis.  i mean i do see some holes but they are FREEZING!  Haha this joke is ridiculous and makes no sense.

“Facebook etiquette”- i have friends, and i have “Facebook” friends.  My friends are the people i hang out with and talk to when i see them.  Facebook friends are people i know from high school, or know from back in the day, or have met once or twice.  But i would never, EVER actually say anything to them if i saw them in person.  i love these friends because it’s funny when i’m at the mall or at CVS or whatever and see one of my fb friends,  i just laugh to myself thinking A. i would never say anything to them in public and B. what great friends my fb friends are haha.

Annnnnnnnd i’m spent.  That’s all i gots today kids, hopefully you found one or two chuckles in there.  But like i teased earlier my blog on Friday is going to be fantastic, i’m still working on it but it’s the most fun i’ve had writing a blog yet. So hate me today for no reason if you wish, by Friday i know i will win you back! – miguel jo$é

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. – George Carlin

What is up kids?

Oh Monday, it’s so stereotypical to hate you but you are kinda the worst.  Sunday almost gets ruined just knowing you are the next day.  Actually mine was ruined when i realized what i spent most of my day doing.  i guess i have to admit exactly what i did but i want to make a point about today’s blog quote first.  And yeah i use Carlin quotes too much but he was a straight up prophet and the originator of all that is money.  If i had an idol it’d be him, but he hates idols and would think i was being the biggest tool if i said he was mine so i won’t say that.  But he was none joke kids.

But anyways, isn’t paying bills the worst?  i think i hate school loans the most, they are so obnoxious about reporting to the credit agencies when you’re late.  Well credit cards are the worst but you all know to pay your credit card bills first no matter what it’s a must.  But yeah i’m pretty sure Sallie Mae is a racist.   And yes i realize she is not a real person but whatever i hate that bitch and she can totally stop calling me already. Although speaking of companies calling you looking for money…

To all 800 numbers who call me and do not leave a message, i will never, EVER pick up.  So just give up for the love of Pete.  “Oh hey, a shady 800 number calling me 10 times in a day, whatever could they want?”  Look, i know i haven’t paid your bill yet, that’s why you’re calling me.  i will pay you when i have money, not when you call me looking for it. You needing it doesn’t make me have it.

Geico is pretty classy if you pay their bill late.  If you don’t pay on time they just wait a few days and then send you a pink letter that says “We will straight up drop your ass if you do not pay by June 15th”.  No hassle, no nonsense, they just straight up tell you deal.  i can respect that.  They are more then just funny commercials, they helped me with this bull$hit hit and run in the city charge someone tried to pull on me once. But that’s a story for another day i think…

Does anyone pay all their bills on time AND have money to go do fun things on the weekend?  Oh wait, i know of people who do that.  They are called “Women”.  For some reason girls pay all their S on time and usually have this thing i heard about once called a “savings” account.  It must be nice to have one of those, i guess that’s what you have when you care about having kids one day.  Or if you are just a grown up i guess.  Although there is a big reason why girls can save money and guys can’t.  It is because fun costs money, and girls are definitely NOT about having fun.  Going to bars, sporting events, buying drugs, ordering pizza at midnight, buying a new tv or a beer pong table, all this stuff costs money.  For some reason when you skip happy hour just to stay home and not do anything because who cares you already have a boyfriend who needs to go out?  And then when you do go out some schlub is down to buy you all your drinks anyway in hopes of getting in your pants which will never happen.  So those kinds of nights are free for most women, hence the savings account.  If i make it to my next pay day with any sort of funds left from my last check i consider that a victory.  So far my record is 2-118.

But anyways. the reason i am so disappointed in myself is because while i was watching the Mets game yesterday i also got caught up in a Lifetime marathon.  It started with “Accused at 17,” followed by “Justice for Natalee Holloway.” It took everything in my power to not watch “Amanda Knox: Murder on Trial in Italy,” soon afterwards.  In my defense, Accused at 17 was about this hot slutty high school girl who hooks up with this dude who has a girlfriend and the gf totally finds out about it.  And then her other hot friend convinces her to pull a prank on the other girl so they do but they actually kill her and all the girls turn on each other and all the girls are hot.  i think the good guys in the end won, i don’t remember what happened.  But if there is a movie about hot teenage girls involving sex and murder i will most likely end up watching no matter what channel it was on. 

But the Natalee Holloway story is crazy interesting!  That Jordan Van der Sloot is an f’n maniac serial killer, for real.  And he totally gets off on torturing that mom, he’s a monster!  Of course all my facts are based off what i saw on Lifetime and what i just read on Wikipedia.  Both impeccable sources.  So yeah judge me if you want but lifetime has some money shows, or at the very least super hot ones about teen girls. 

Hope you had a great weekend, or good one at least.  It’s supposed to rain all week pretty much so we gots that going for us, or at least it will be raining for those of us in the North Jersey/NY area.  Don’t think i forgot about you my overseas readers.  With the miracle known as the interwebs there are people all around the globe reading my blog! You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam.  There’s no end to the possibilities!  Cabla Goobla!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i think the worst ads are those, “Most Interesting Man in the World” ads for Dos Equis.  That means Two Equis in Spanish.  Anyways it’s not even that they are not funny, because there are definitely a million more ads less funny then that.  But it starts off with, “I don’t always drink beer, but when i do, i prefer Dos Equis.”  Really?  i’m supposed to take beer advice from someone who doesn’t drink beer that much?  And it’s not even like, “hey it’s my favorite!”  He just prefers it when he does drink beer once in awhile.  And oh yeah, their tagline at the end is, “Stay thirsty my friends.”  But wait, why would you want people to stay thirsty?  They are only staying thirsty if they are not drinking your beer, which seems like a pretty piss poor sales pitch to me.  So i should stay thirsty by not buying your beer?  This whole stupid ad makes zero sense.  i am by no means the smartest person around but i’m not falling for those lies and nonsense.

-Hey “dentists,” i don’t f’n floss… Okay? So stop asking me if i floss, no one f’n flosses.  And shouldn’t you be able to tell if i floss just by looking in my mouth?  Who cares if i do or not if it doesn’t look like i do?  So why not just check instead of asking me if i floss since you can obviously tell?  i know why, because you want me to feel bad about not doing it.  Well i don’t.  So eat me.  And i’m never coming back again.

-Staying on the dentists topic, i find as an experience they are just as awful as auto repair shops.  Both places you just go in for a normal checkup and by the time you leave they have told you about a million repairs you need to have done immediately.  And you can’t say nothing, because who can argue their point?  “Your struts look weak, you have a loose valve pipe that’s going to shutdown your main gasket. That’ll be $1000 dollars.”  “Um, okay.”  “Your gums are bleeding as i check your mouth, we are going to have to inject them with this stuff that costs like $1000 dollars.”  “Terrific!”  You have to go to the auto repair shop once in a while but this is exactly why i don’t go to the dentist.  i brush my $hits everyday and i’ve never needed braces or nothing.  Plus i got the money smile, so i’ll see you if i ever feel any pain doc.  Don’t hold your breath though.

– i don’t like being in pictures, because i don’t like “evidence.”  Don’t get me wrong, i’m always down to pose for pictures with friends all nice like.  i am mad photogenic.  But if i’m at a party, or if you try to just take my picture out of the blue at happy hour or something i will punch you.  Maybe i haven’t told everyone where i’m at and don’t need it on facebook, or maybe my eyes are red due to allergies and it’s not a good time to take a picture of me.  Either way, relax picture queen and leave me out of your Snapfish account.  I say queen because the person taking these pics are obviously women or a gay guy.  Guys don’t take a lot of pictures. Why is that?  Because it’s evidence… gddamn it i just told you people why!  Even with my own blog no one listens…

“Facebook etiquette”-  How come when i add someone as a friend, i am immediately asked by Facebook to suggest other friends to them?  Hey facebook, i didn’t log on here to play Cupid or to have homework.  i don’t even do work when i’m at real work.  i’m sure if that person was able to navigate the interwebs and find me on Facebook they will be able to do the same and find others.

Today’s blog was fantastic.  You’re welcome.  And maybe it’s easier to make comments now after the 5 person explosion that happened over the weekend?  Who knows, i’m just glad this ghetto site was up for once haha.  Cya Wednesday…  miguel jo$é

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: Never try. – Homer Simpson

What is up kids?

This website was down all last night and all day today until right now i’m gonna throw some Random nonsense on you and then bounce for the weekend.  For those of you who had money that i would give up on the blog by now this doesn’t count because it was legit not my fault!  i thought not being able to make comments was ghetto but not being able to access the site at all is definitlely ghetooer.

i’m gonna try one last thing on how to fix the comments this weekend but if that doesn’t work for real i may have to look for a new website.  Does anyone have any ideas?  If you do just post them below in the comment section so that i know where…. Motherf’er!  Stupid free site not costing me any money but still giving me a hassle.  Oh well, hopefully i can fix it this weekend so we’ll see.  And on Monday i have a great idea for my blog so get ready cause it’s gonna be money.  But feel free to enjoy today’s ghetto blog….

RANDOM NONSENSE

–i don’t know how to tie a tie.  i’m not proud to admit that, in fact i feel like a classless ahole saying it.  Especially because my dad taught me like a million times while i was growing up.  But in my defense, i only did it a few times a year.  He would show me and i would kinda get it, but then i wouldn’t do it again for 10 months and i’d be like ‘how do you do this again?” and he’d be like “you would think i’d be used to this disappointment in you by now but i’m not” and then i’d start crying because i was a little bitch boy and…   So yeah i can’t tie a tie.  i either ask one of my friends who are all mature males who know how to do it as they should to do it for me, or when i do get them tied i never untie them i just have a bunch of already tied ties in my closet.  If i ever have a son i guess i’ll try to learn how cause i don’t want to be that dad.  But whatever, for now i’m mad lazy and i don’t feel like learning or remembering it.  It’s a free country.  And oh yeah suck my balls.

-And oh yeah i don’t know if i know how to tie my shoes with the loop and swoop method either.  i mean i definitely do butterfly, that’s how i learned to do it.  Although true story, in kindergarden when you have to show the teacher how to tie your shoes i just showed them already tied because a friend of mine tied them for me already.  And she was like “Good! Now untie them and then tie them again!”  So as soon as she turned her head i just pretended to untie them but i really didn’t so when she turned back i was like ‘here ya go!” and she said “Congratulations!” and then i got my little award.  What an f’n dirtbag haha.  And like the cinco de miguel story i can promise you it is all true.  Why would i lie about that? It’s awful, i’m an awful human being.  Obviously i learned eventually but like i said i only do bunny ears, not loop and swoop.  i’m not saying i coudn’t learn it like i can’t learn how to tie a tie, i just never tried for sure so i’m not positive.  This is my worst blog ever.

-So i didn’t realize cucumbers and pickles were the same thing until like a year ago.  idk, i mean i get it and all, and once someone pointed it out to me i was like oh yeah that makes sense.  But for real i just never put any thought into it so it was a suprise to me when i learned about it.  There’s no real joke here, but if any of you didn’t know that cucumbers were the same things as pickles you do now.  Although who wouldn’t know that besides a real dumb ahole?

-i think potato skins are the most overrated appetizer ever.  “What?? You don’t like cheese and bacon and sour cream on a potato??”  Yeah they sound and look good in theory, but for the most part it’s always way too much potato and not enough cheese and bacon.  And you know what potatoes they use to make these?  The ones that don’t look good enough to serve on their own with real meals, so they cut em and douse them in garbage so no one knows how awful they are.  Well i do, and i’m not buying it.  I’d like the same appetizer but instead of potato rejects could i just get the cheese and bacon and sour cream on french fries instead?  You know, the potatoes that you have that actually taste good on their own?  I can eat french fries on their own but potato skins i always need covered in crap, why is that?  Oh because the potato part of potato skins is garbage.  If you’ve ever ordered potato skins without cheese and bacon and sour cream i can see your point about it being a good appetizer, otherwise it’s all the other stuff you dig and i’m the one smart enough to point that out.

-Men and women are very different when it comes to breaking up, or at least the reasons why they do so.  Women tend to break up with men because they get upset at them.  Like a big fight, or a long running one.  Although let’s be honest when it comes to women, every fight is a long running one.  They never let any argument die…. EVER.  But men don’t really break up when it comes to fighting, we are the ones who are willing to work things out and try to stop fighting which women never want to do.  The main reason men end up breaking up with women is because they found someone new to f*ck, that’s about it.

-Have you ever heard a couple say, “We’re trying to have a baby!”  Do you think, “Oh how sweet! They are starting their family, they really love each other and they are working on starting a family!”  If you do think that then you are NOT me.  Because when i hear couples say that all i hear is, “We are totally f*cking all the time! Morning, noon and night, if you don’t see us you can be sure he has his penis in my vagina!  F*ck F*ck F*ck that is all we are doing these days!  Notstop F*cking!”  So now if any of you think this the next time a couple tells you they are trying to have kids, then i’ve done my job.  Your welcome.

“Facebook etiquette”-  To all people who are on facebook but do not put their birthday in their profile, you are an ahole.  The whole point of this website besides looking at hot pics of girls and stalking ex-girlfriends is as a birthday reminder.  If you don’t think your birthday is important enough to put on facebook first of all i agree with you, and secondly if you expect me to remember your bday on my own there is no chance and i hate you.

Wow, i don’t know what any of you will think about this blog, nor will i because no on can leave stupid comments!  But i hope you have a great weekend anyway, hopefully there will be some good changes on this site by Monday…  – miguel jo$é

"I feel the adrenaline moving through my veins, spotlight on me and I’m ready to break. I’m like a performer the dance floor is my stage, better be ready hope that you feel the same… It’s Britney Bitch

All eyes on me in the center of a ring just like a circus…

What is up kids?

Man i dig that song, it gets me fired up.  Which is good because i’m in a weird mood lately.  Does anyone get like this?  i guess if i explain my mood that might help a bit.

idk, i’m just rattled i guess.  Or at least i was yesterday, i feel much better today.  When i was younger i’d probably let this type of mood bother me longer but i’ve got zero time for that garbage these days.  Life’s too short, if something or someone is bothering you then just drop it and get over it.  None time for feelings, right?  If people are going to continue misinterpret your actions at some point you just have to say F it, if they were really your friend they’d either realize they are being stupid or just let it go.  But who cares i guess, it’s so much easier to be cold hearted and just ignore…

WHOA! Hold up!  i apologize, this is my comedy blog, not my diary. Which i definitely do NOT have a diary!  And didn’t i say that Britney Spears song fired me up?  Well it did, probably because it’s my favorite Britney song ever.  i mean i dig the whole “Circus” album in general, even though “Blackout”has the best songs on it overall.  i mean i love Radar, and Gimme More is the best song ever to start the album off with and all.  But Piece of me is still the best Britney song, hands down.  She really tells everyone off in that one, saying how money she is and that everyone wants to call her out but they still put her a$$ on the magazine covers and…

WHOA! Hold up!  Did i just admit to everyone that i love Britney?  Yeah i’m a big fan, mostly because my BFF got me into her forever ago.  I used to HATE poppy garbage like that but now i must say i’m the biggest fan.  At least of Britney, not everything pop.  i’m not a madman ya know.  But at this point of my life i can realize the fun in just enjoying catchy nonsense that has no depth or soul at all.  When i was a kid i was definitely not that way, everything i listed to had to have meaning behind it and i hated anything that was pop.  I remember HATING New Kids on the Block when they first came out so f’n much, and i totally hated Insync years later.  Although i will admit i was a fan of the song “I want it that way” by the Backstreet Boys.  I wasn’t a huge fan of theirs overall but that song is mad catchy, it’s one of my favorite songs to sing along to with in the car and yes one of my boys bought me that single as a Christmas gift one year and i still have it and love it…

WHOA! Hold up! Did i just admit to everyone that i not only like a Backstreet Boys song but have the single and enjoy it thoroughly?  I am straight BLOWING it today, see what i mean about a weird mood?  i better end this quick before i admit i was the biggest David Archuletta fan ever and am still heated that he lost American Idol that year.  Are you kidding me??? The wrong David won!!! Did you hear him do “Imagine”?, that kid has the voice of an angel!!  And yes I saw him sing live once at a tv show taping and yes i bought his CD which i listen to with my gay roommate.  Does that make me gay???   The answer is yes, yes it does.

Alright, i should punch out now because i think i just admitted every awful thing about me.  Alright i’m not even close to listing all the horrific things about me but i’m going to stop anyway haha.  And oh yeah, i may be thinking of changing websites, this one is kinda ghetto.  it looks alright i guess but it’s f’n impossible to make comments.  Which is awesome because why would i want to make everyone reading this to make comments and get more people involved in fun and laughter?  Stupid site.  Anyways i’m either gonna see if there is anything i can do on this site to make posting comments easier or i am OOT as they say in Canada. We’ll see though…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-There needs to be an express line for the ATM already.  How come every time i just want to take out 40 beans, i’m behind the person who is cashing checks, switching over funds from their checking to savings account, refinancing their mortgage on their house, adding that additional account they have in Egypt as they convert their Japanese Yen over to Francs in their Swiss account and…   Can i just take out some f’n duckets please?  i swear i’m like a pit crew member in Nascar when i hit up the ATM, i’ve got the numbers typed and hit fast cash with no recepit before that bank knows what hit them.  Good thing i’m stuck behind this foreign lady who has someone from the bank showing her how to use this “magical” machine for the first time, God it’s the f’n worst!  People are the worst.

-i never answer my phone.  Besides the fact that my ringer is always off at work and then i always forget to turn it back on when i get out i just never answer it.  EVER.  i only text, and if you’re friends with me you probably already know this.  “Oh you’re one of those jerks?” That’s right Alex, even though you now live in Florida the rules have not changed.  Either text me whatever you want to tell me or leave a message that i will never return, or if i do i will return it by texting.  If you can’t tell me what you want over a text then there is NO way i could handle how awful that long conversation will be on the phone.  Sure this may be kinda a jerk move, but whatever at least i’m dead honest about it.  And to be fair i will also never call you, although if you do see a phone call coming from me you should probably pick up because it’s an emergency!  But if you don’t pick up i understand.

-You know what’s awesome? Getting your car washed this time of year.  i mean the sun is out, the weather is nice, isn’t it nice to have a newly washed car?  It’s so perfect!  Except for the coating of pollen you get immediately after which ruins everything.  Mother nature can be a real bitch sometimes. And yeah i knew it was gonna happen and i did it anyway.  i’m funny and sexy, i never said i was smart.

“The name of the movie is “Bridesmaids?”  it might as well be called “annoying nagging bitches”- tom duffy.  haha i try to use only one quote a blog if i can but that was too f’n funny not to put in.

“Facebook etiquette”- What’s with this Friend Finder garbage?  Doesn’t everyone already have enough friends on facebook?  Is anyone actively seeking to add more friends?  I’ll add new people i meet and stuff but i’m not going through the phone book looking up names to find new friends.  Haha i said phone book, kids don’t know what a phone book is.  If you are a girl and you know what a phone book is you’re probably too old for me to date…

have a great Wednesday everyone, i’m sure mine is sucking a$$. And if there are more spelling mistakes then usual i apologize, i’m kinda rushed today.  Actually i don’t apologize, get your own blog and spell however you want!   – miguel jo$e

I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." – George Carlin

What is up kids?

So yeah i f’n HATE driving.  i guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever if it weren’t for all the other aholes out on the road, but in general if i don’t have to drive i don’t do it.  Why would i?  Let me get this straight, we are both going to get there but i have the choice of driving and doing stuff and paying attention to what every other jerk off on the road is doing, as well as avoiding potholes and looking out for cops, OR i can sit the passenger seat, choose which songs we get to listen to on the radio and possibly nap totally uninterested in what’s going on?  Yeah i’ll take “the easiest decision ever to make” for 100 Alex. 

And traffic, let me tell you something about traffic.  If i am ever arrested for murder, like you hear about it in the news or something… alright fine it will probably be over some girl who broke my heart because women are cruel and i’m a hopeless romantic (aka pu$$y).  But, if i was ever to get out of jail years later, or hopefully acquitted by reason of insanity, the next time you saw me on the news getting arrested it would be for murdering someone in their car.  Traffic is the WORST!!  I’m pretty angry as i write this but i was INFURIATED last Friday when i was in bumper to bumper traffic for 3 hours straight.  i was an insane maniac screaming in my car and punching my passenger seat in fury, and when i realized i picked the wrong exit because it was the one right by the school which added 45 minutes to what should have taken 5 minutes at most i basically vomited in rage.  “but you always vomit miguel, this surprises no one!”  shut it person who remembers what i write about, you’re ruining it for all of my new readers.

It probably doesn’t help that i have no sense of direction either.  i mean obviously that doesn’t help with the traffic issue, but before GPS was around i was a mapquest disaster.  Not that GPS is the best either, i still get mad confused even with that garbage.  But it’s a million times better then how i used to be, like even back in the day in the 90’s when people used maps. “i’m the map i’m the map i’m the map i’m the map I’M THE MAP!” Brian Regan doing Dora the Explorer everyone, it’s impossible to say map and not do that bit if you’ve ever heard it.  But yeah for real, maps?  Grow up people in the 90’s.

i don’t think i could handle living in the south, not just because of the blatant racism, but i couldn’t handle living in a place where i had to drive like 40 minutes just to go “next door”.  But the idea of zero traffic at all times is appealing, because even if i haven’t been in it in awhile it just takes the next time of being stuck in it for me to lose my S and straight up go on a killing spree.  And oh before i forget, I F’N HATE MOTHERF’ING TRAINS!!’  Seriously, every town i’ve lived in i’ve always had to deal with some dumbass takes forever ruining my day train that always comes at the worst time.  What is this, the 1800’s?  We still need trains? Whoo hoo look at the locomotive!  Honestly, grow up people in the 1800’s.

i’m reading this over and i don’t know if any of you will feel the same way about driving as me, mostly because there was no way to understand that insane babble i just put down before you.  But have i hopefully made my point about how much i hate driving?  Cause yeah i f’n HATE driving…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i feel bad for people who have sports gambling problems.  Obviously they bring it on themselves, but at the same time this is something that should be taught to kids from birth.  “Don’t do heroin”, and “Do not do sports gambling”.  For the most part sports are already the worst thing ever.  Unless your a bandwagon Yankee fan, sports are nothing but extreme letdown and disappointment.  Why would you also want to throw your money into this awful mix of depression as well?  Sports already crush your heart and your soul, doing the same thing to your wallet is not a smart idea.  Which is why most men do it i guess….

-Since the beginning of time, no story that has started, “So we started doing shots of tequila and…” has ever ended well.  Ever.  “OMG we were at this bar, we totally started doing shots of Patron, and then that girl i had a crush on since high showed up and told me SHE actually had a crush on me all these years!  i made her laugh all night with hilarious jokes, and she totally came back to my house where i wasn’t too drunk to have sex with her at all and in reality i performed like a champ!  And, at at no point did i get in a fight with any of my friends for no reason, nor did i throw up all over the bedroom or $hit my pants!”  That story has never been told in history my friends.  Ever.

-Losing or breaking your sunglasses is the f’n WORST.  Is there a more annoying purchase on the planet to make then a new pair of sunglasses?  Let’s see, how about i take forever to finally pick out a pair i won’t absolutely hate as soon as i get home, and after i overcome that almost impossible obsticle can i then leave them on the seat of my car and break them when i sit on them?  Because yeah that’s awesome…   For real there is no way to win. 

-Let me just make it clear that i don’t hate kids.  i have a niece and nephew that i love, and some of my friends have their own kids and i think they are all precious little angels.  However, is it possible to open a restaurant where the punishment for bringing in your screaming children is death?  No, not to the kids, it’s not their fault their parents are inconsiderate aholes who should have realized having kids means they can’t do certain things anymore and having fun or your own life is one of them.  And you need to ruin my Saturday night just because you can’t find a babysitter but still want that nice italian dinner, so you have to ruin everything for me?  It was your awful decision to have children, don’t bring me down with you.  Oh and besides your kid being a crying mess he’s not cute at all, deal with that too.

“Facebook etiquette”-  If someone sends you an email or an IM and after you read it you go to “like” it, even though you’re not on facebook, you are probably on facebook WAY too f’n much…

Hope everyone had a great weekend, especially the moms who should have been spoiled rotten.  Oh and a big shout out to my brother Tomas who apparently digs my blog.  We definitely don’t talk nearly as much as we should, in fact for some reason we’re blowing it and hardly ever talk.  But i love him to death and the fact i can make him laugh about my nonsense makes me feel good about things.  And oh yeah his wife is the money too, he got a little blond baby girl so good for him haha.

See you kids Wednesday, miguel jo$é