I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." – George Carlin

9 May

What is up kids?

So yeah i f’n HATE driving.  i guess it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever if it weren’t for all the other aholes out on the road, but in general if i don’t have to drive i don’t do it.  Why would i?  Let me get this straight, we are both going to get there but i have the choice of driving and doing stuff and paying attention to what every other jerk off on the road is doing, as well as avoiding potholes and looking out for cops, OR i can sit the passenger seat, choose which songs we get to listen to on the radio and possibly nap totally uninterested in what’s going on?  Yeah i’ll take “the easiest decision ever to make” for 100 Alex. 

And traffic, let me tell you something about traffic.  If i am ever arrested for murder, like you hear about it in the news or something… alright fine it will probably be over some girl who broke my heart because women are cruel and i’m a hopeless romantic (aka pu$$y).  But, if i was ever to get out of jail years later, or hopefully acquitted by reason of insanity, the next time you saw me on the news getting arrested it would be for murdering someone in their car.  Traffic is the WORST!!  I’m pretty angry as i write this but i was INFURIATED last Friday when i was in bumper to bumper traffic for 3 hours straight.  i was an insane maniac screaming in my car and punching my passenger seat in fury, and when i realized i picked the wrong exit because it was the one right by the school which added 45 minutes to what should have taken 5 minutes at most i basically vomited in rage.  “but you always vomit miguel, this surprises no one!”  shut it person who remembers what i write about, you’re ruining it for all of my new readers.

It probably doesn’t help that i have no sense of direction either.  i mean obviously that doesn’t help with the traffic issue, but before GPS was around i was a mapquest disaster.  Not that GPS is the best either, i still get mad confused even with that garbage.  But it’s a million times better then how i used to be, like even back in the day in the 90’s when people used maps. “i’m the map i’m the map i’m the map i’m the map I’M THE MAP!” Brian Regan doing Dora the Explorer everyone, it’s impossible to say map and not do that bit if you’ve ever heard it.  But yeah for real, maps?  Grow up people in the 90’s.

i don’t think i could handle living in the south, not just because of the blatant racism, but i couldn’t handle living in a place where i had to drive like 40 minutes just to go “next door”.  But the idea of zero traffic at all times is appealing, because even if i haven’t been in it in awhile it just takes the next time of being stuck in it for me to lose my S and straight up go on a killing spree.  And oh before i forget, I F’N HATE MOTHERF’ING TRAINS!!’  Seriously, every town i’ve lived in i’ve always had to deal with some dumbass takes forever ruining my day train that always comes at the worst time.  What is this, the 1800’s?  We still need trains? Whoo hoo look at the locomotive!  Honestly, grow up people in the 1800’s.

i’m reading this over and i don’t know if any of you will feel the same way about driving as me, mostly because there was no way to understand that insane babble i just put down before you.  But have i hopefully made my point about how much i hate driving?  Cause yeah i f’n HATE driving…


-i feel bad for people who have sports gambling problems.  Obviously they bring it on themselves, but at the same time this is something that should be taught to kids from birth.  “Don’t do heroin”, and “Do not do sports gambling”.  For the most part sports are already the worst thing ever.  Unless your a bandwagon Yankee fan, sports are nothing but extreme letdown and disappointment.  Why would you also want to throw your money into this awful mix of depression as well?  Sports already crush your heart and your soul, doing the same thing to your wallet is not a smart idea.  Which is why most men do it i guess….

-Since the beginning of time, no story that has started, “So we started doing shots of tequila and…” has ever ended well.  Ever.  “OMG we were at this bar, we totally started doing shots of Patron, and then that girl i had a crush on since high showed up and told me SHE actually had a crush on me all these years!  i made her laugh all night with hilarious jokes, and she totally came back to my house where i wasn’t too drunk to have sex with her at all and in reality i performed like a champ!  And, at at no point did i get in a fight with any of my friends for no reason, nor did i throw up all over the bedroom or $hit my pants!”  That story has never been told in history my friends.  Ever.

-Losing or breaking your sunglasses is the f’n WORST.  Is there a more annoying purchase on the planet to make then a new pair of sunglasses?  Let’s see, how about i take forever to finally pick out a pair i won’t absolutely hate as soon as i get home, and after i overcome that almost impossible obsticle can i then leave them on the seat of my car and break them when i sit on them?  Because yeah that’s awesome…   For real there is no way to win. 

-Let me just make it clear that i don’t hate kids.  i have a niece and nephew that i love, and some of my friends have their own kids and i think they are all precious little angels.  However, is it possible to open a restaurant where the punishment for bringing in your screaming children is death?  No, not to the kids, it’s not their fault their parents are inconsiderate aholes who should have realized having kids means they can’t do certain things anymore and having fun or your own life is one of them.  And you need to ruin my Saturday night just because you can’t find a babysitter but still want that nice italian dinner, so you have to ruin everything for me?  It was your awful decision to have children, don’t bring me down with you.  Oh and besides your kid being a crying mess he’s not cute at all, deal with that too.

“Facebook etiquette”-  If someone sends you an email or an IM and after you read it you go to “like” it, even though you’re not on facebook, you are probably on facebook WAY too f’n much…

Hope everyone had a great weekend, especially the moms who should have been spoiled rotten.  Oh and a big shout out to my brother Tomas who apparently digs my blog.  We definitely don’t talk nearly as much as we should, in fact for some reason we’re blowing it and hardly ever talk.  But i love him to death and the fact i can make him laugh about my nonsense makes me feel good about things.  And oh yeah his wife is the money too, he got a little blond baby girl so good for him haha.

See you kids Wednesday, miguel jo$é

One Response to “I don’t believe in road rage; I prefer the gentle rebuke. If I don’t like the way someone is driving, I pull up alongside the other car and say, "I hope your children turn out poorly." – George Carlin”

  1. Stefanie May 20, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    this is definitely my favorite one…i was literally crying from laughing so hard


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