The Blog About SPRING BREAK!!!

12 Apr

We don’t have a lot of time on this Earth! We weren’t meant to spend it this way.  Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day filling out useless forms and listening to 8 different bosses drone on about mission statements. – Peter Gibbons “Office Space”

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s mother*cking SPRING BREAK!!  It’s time to let loose, drink some brews, smoke some trees, and enjoy this wonderful week off from school!  Now sure i don’t mean any of this kind of celebration for myself, as i don’t have off from work and i’m not lucky enough to be off from school either.  Mostly because i’m 100 years old and i don’t go anymore.

But man i can remember my favorite Spring Break like it was yesterday, the one where me and 11 dudes went to Cancun the week that MTV was filming their “Spring Break.”  Which meant literally ALL of the hottest and sluttiest TRL with Carson Daly baby girls were all in one place, and it was the same place that we were at!

And yeah i could tell you about how we went out boozing till 5 am every single night at all the clubs in Cancun, and how i ordered Long Island Ice teas at every single bar 2 at a time so i could get as drunk as possible every night.  Or i could tell you about Marti Gras night at Senor Frogs which to this day is STILL the most INSANE sexually intense party that i have ever seen with nothing but naked girls and random hooking up with strangers just  to get beads.  Beads for Deeds!  And i could also tell you how one friend of mine who will go nameless found a random driver’s license of some girl, and then in a crowd of thousands of people actually found the girl whose license it was and as a reward they made out immediately and he touched her goodies.  And i know what you’re asking now, “What is his name???”

But instead i’d rather tell you the tale of our first night, because after a long scary flight on board a tiny plane with drunk rowdy fools we finally got to the airport.  And then after a few transfers and a long bus ride we FINALLY got to the hotel at like 1 in the morning which means the smart thing to do would be to get some rest and start fresh in the morning.  But of course instead we all took showers and got ready to go out, so first thing we did is hop in the bus to take us to the craziest bars ever!  Sounds awesome right!

Yeah except for the fact that in Cancun the buses only go one way down the road, and since our hotel was at the end of that road we got on it going the wrong way and they just took us to the SHADYEST part of town ever.  You know, the one everyone tells you not to go to unless you want to get raped and killed, hopefully in that order.  So we tell the bus driver we want to be taken to the center of town and he tells us we need to pay him again.  And of course we think this is a scam and don’t want to do it because he’s just taking advantage of us dumb Americans.  But since we have no choice and since my dumb ass doesn’t speak Spanish we all paid him AGAIN and this time we were hopefully headed into town…

So at this point it’s like 3:30 in the morning, we’re all dead tired after a full day of flying and traveling and bus rides and hotels and blowing it and we’re all basically just ready to go home and sleep… until we FINALLY get to the center of town and find bars, food, people, women, and basically LIFE!  We jump off the bus and find this money bar playing rap music and we IMMEDIATELY start doing shots and boozing it up to no end.  There were hot bartenders on the bar pouring shots down our throat, the most INSANELY delicious tacos that to this day i still dream of, and of course Jay John was able to find a guy selling trees that he bought and we went back to the room totally drunk and ended up chillin in the ocean on the beach at 5:30 a.m. as the sun was rising to smoke a blunt and start the craziest week of my life…

But yeah now i’m at work with no days off in sight, i haven’t played beer pong in weeks and the only drinks i get poured down my throat is the hot coffee i spill while trying to wake up on the road at 8 in the morning during rush hour.  But at least i had one crazy Spring Break in my life so i’m happy about that!  That’s right, these tears pouring down my face are from happiness!  And from that onion i was cutting earlier!  On to the nonsense!


– Do you all want to know a classy and inexpensive item to bring to any gathering or event that’ll make you a hero to the hosts and a big hit at the party?  It’s ICE!  Which for some reason no one ever thinks to bring, and anyone who has ever thrown a party knows you could always use some more f*cking ice.  To the point where there’s always a late text sent to a close friend who isn’t there yet asking, “Could you please bring ice?”

So instead of waiting for that panicky text from your desperate friend just pick up a couple of bags of ice instead and go from zero to hero! “Wait, so until i brought the ice to the party i was a zero? What the F is that $hit about??” Sorry, i can only help with one thing at a time on this blog.  Maybe i can answer that next week!

– All of us speak to God from time to time, whether it be praying for a loved one, wanting to win the lottery, or that you hope that hot girl actually falls for your game for once and actually lets you get into those sweet, sweet panties of hers.

Some people however have a direct line to the man upstairs, and while most of those people are priests and/or nuns there is ONE man who has the Lord on speed dial, and he’s also my next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  So please enjoy Jerry Irby and “Hot Line to Heaven!”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Hey people who call out “sick” from work, when you come in the next day you don’t have to do that awful acting job of pretending like you’re still really sick to convince us.  We didn’t believe you when you called out yesterday and we certainly don’t believe you today.  And trust us, no one gives a $hit anyway.  We all saw you post that Facebook status saying “At the mall for Christmas shopping!”  Or when you tagged yourself at that movie with your friend.  Or when you tweeted “What a great day to have off!”  We all know this and we all don’t care, they are your sick days so do with them what you wish.  

  But when you come in the next day acting like Meryl Streep on her death bed, coughing and wheezing and having to tell EVERYONE the same story about your stomach bug and how you couldn’t move and stop throwing up and how you almost went to the doctor, THAT is when we all hate you.  So just leave out the part the next day when you attempt to win that Academy award and everyone will be fine. 

Fast Food Tips – For those of you who don’t remember, Wendy’s was the original place to have a $1 value menu, everyone else just copied them afterwards.  Back then, eating disgusting garbage that destroyed your insides was big business and people had no problem shoving horrific and expensive BK and McDonalds grade F meat down their fat sweaty throats without a care in the world.

But of course the stupid liberal media keeps trying to tell people it’s not healthy to eat fake processed nonsense so none of these  expensive meals seems quite that attractive anymore and they are going back to the $1 menus.  Or in Wendy’s case they are doing the 4 for $4 menu where you can pick any 4 items for 4 beans so you can cheaply destroy your giant stomach and tender anus.  And you can also add the crispy chicken BLT to the list because that’s the newest item added to the 4 for 4 deal!  You’re welcome America!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great week, and if you’re on Spring Break it’d better be the BEST week!  And if not just think of us poor slobs who don’t have off and hopefully that’ll make it better!  If not oh well, i still hope you enjoyed today’s blog and i’ll see you here next Tuesday with an all new one!

Cya, – miguel jose


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