So it’s my last blog of the year, but more importantly then that this is my LAST blog that i’m writing as a single man! That’s right kids, this Friday i’m getting married to my best friend and the love of my life! “Well there’s only one question we have miguel, WHAT’S HIS NAME?!?!”
Well played jerks! That “What’s his name?” bit has easily been one of my favorites this year, so it only makes sense that you would drop it on me now. And anyways, his name is Jason and he’s a construction worker who has rough yet tender hands that are both surprisingly gentle and firm especially when he caresses my supple… NO! Now is not the time for these kinds of jokes! i’m about to be a married man, i need to be better then that! It’s time to finally grow up!
Although before i do, i need to tell you about my bachelor party that i had this past Sunday. Well, not so much my bachelor party as i need to talk about that night and more importantly the morning after. Because if you could recall i spent the first few years of my blog writing about nothing but drinking brews and doing shotguns and playing beer pong and then eating Turvinos bacon sicillian pizza and White Castle sliders until i went outside to throw up at “Puke Park” (trademark by Wecht) only to be followed up by more throwing up in the toilet until i was finally on all fours in the bathtub throwing up yet AGAIN as i tried to push White Castle chunks and my own shame and embarrassment down the drain.
And i’d like to tell you that now that i’m about to be married that i’ve put those days behind me and that i’ve truly grown up as both a man and as an individual. i’d like to tell all of you that. But the truth is everything i just listed is EXACTLY what happened to me, and it wasn’t until 3 pm yesterday that i was able to have a functional thought or keep a solid in my tummy and not in the porcelain God i had been praying to for two days straight. And the truth is i can still drink and party as hard as i’ve always been able to do, but the pain and anguish i feel the next day/s has gotten EXPONENTIALLY worse. In fact, i guarantee if any of you had the type of hangovers that i do that NONE of you would ever drink again! Mostly because you are smart and don’t want to put your body through that type of punishment.
But honestly it only makes sense that my last blog before i get hitched involves puke and burgers and brews, because starting next year i’m only writing about the sanctity of marriage! Well that and doing laundry and raising a family and going on couples dates where we get a sitter and enjoy a nice quiet dinner where we drink regularly out of adult glasses and not doing shots of beer a minute for an entire hour and we’ll play Pictionary instead of beer pong and have all of you noticed that going to bed before midnight is super fun, and let’s all try to wake up early and not waste this beautiful day and let’s get to Home Depot this Saturday but maybe not Bed Bath and Beyond because i don’t know if we’ll have time!
Or maybe not, and maybe i’ll be the same immature hilarious a hole that you’ve all come to love and/or hate. Because lucky for you guys this is my comedy blog, not my f*cking diary. And as much as i try to incorporate my personal life to either make this blog funnier and/or more personal the truth is i don’t feel it necessary to tell you all the truth. i only find it necessary to make you all laugh, which is why when it comes to this blog i feel like i have the right to write WHATEVER the f*ck i want!
But it’s been a fun and crazy year kids, quite possibly the craziest in my life. And while i’m going to be taking a break from the blog for awhile i plan to come back bigger and badder then ever in early 2016! “By “bigger and badder” do you really mean you’ll be fatter and even less funny? Because i honestly don’t know if that’s possible…”
Wow, you’re really killing me today. i’m guessing it’s because you’re both sad angry that i’m leaving you for so long. But fear not you irritable basterd! i’ll be back sooner then you know, and with an all new look to this blog along with some brand new bits as well. But until then enjoy some of my favorite Random Nonsense bits of 2015!
– So is there really something called “Gay Vampires” that only drink only boner blood or am i just making that up?
Haha that was one of the very first bits i posted in 2015, i’m glad i set the bar for this year’s comedy early!
The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! “Um, what the hell are “album covers you old basterd?” Is this 1970? Forget albums grandpa, i illegally download everything! Jeez, will you get off of my case already? It’s a brand new year, give me a hot second before you start busting my balleens so badly. And will you at least look at the album cover i’m showing you before you condemn this bit? It’s the self titled album from the amazing “Joyce” who i personally consider the original Beyonce. Judge for yourself!
And that’s it for me THIS YEAR kids! And honestly, is there a better way to end 2015 then the way i started it which is by starting at Joyce’s precious face? Yeah, i don’t think so either. But either way i hope you all have the best holiday break, and i’ll be back eventually in 2016!
Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter
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And if you haven’t seen VHSBREAKDOWN.COM yet you are BLOWING IT!!!
oh man I missed these…literally crying while reading..love you Miguel
Stef 🙂
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