The Blog About Goodbyes

26 Apr

“Life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last.”  – Prince

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, this is going to be a blog about goodbyes because fortunately and unfortunately i have a few to say today.  The first one of course goes to Prince, a musical Icon who transcended genre and gender and is truly one of the most talented and original musicians who have ever lived.  And this in a country that puts people like Justin Beiber and the Jonas Brothers consistently in the top 10 of music despite the fact that none of these fools ever wrote one lyric let alone one musical note.  “But c’mon Miguel, the Beebs new album is really great you should give it a try!”  Great idea!  i’ll listen to it during my colonoscopy, this way  i have $hit coming out of my a$$ and into my ears at the same time!

But that’s not the only goodbye i need to mention today,  as next week will be my last blog for awhile.  And why is that?  Because my first child is set to be born any day now and i’m going to be busy doing things like learning how to change a diaper for the first time and how to survive on only 4 hours of broken sleep and how to not just be a $hitty dad in general.

And i know i haven’t talked a lot about this whole becoming a parent thing here on this blog, mostly because there is NOTHING more boring to me on the planet then hearing new parents talk.  “OMG you’ll never believe how crazy it is to be a parent!  Kids do and say the darndest things!”  Oh, do they?  Are they super unoriginal and boring things like you’re saying right now?  Because however insane and wacky being a parent is to you, anyone who hears about it feels the exact opposite and would rather eat a diseased chipotle burrito pushed through the end of the body it usually comes out of then listen to more lame parenting bull$hit.

So personally i choose to not talk about that stuff, because i only want to write about funny things and there ain’t nothing funny about parenting except to other parents.  And i’m sure i’ll be old and lame soon but i’m not there yet, so you fools will need to wait on that $hit because i’m still cool mother*ckers!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So as much as it sucks to do so we’re saying goodbye to Prince and i’m going to be saying goodbye to you all for a hot one again on this blog next week.  And yet i feel like there is one more goodbye i need to drop today, i just can’t remember what it is…  The only difference is that this is the good kind of goodbye, the kind that fills me with a special inner peace in my heart and an orgasmic and wet feeling in my balleens.

And i feel like this goodbye is something i look forward to every year, a goodbye that i want to sing from the tops of mountains and through the clouds of the heavens, a goodbye that makes children sing and angels cry from it’s beauty.

 And i also feel this goodbye involves a certain hockey goalie, a man whose beauty cannot be denied which is the exact opposite of his quest to win the Stanley Cup which will FOREVER be denied.

And while i feel that a lot of the goodbyes that have been said lately hurt our soul to say, this one however makes it cry out in glee!  Like a newborn puppy being born, or a spring flower blooming for the first time,  or when that hot girl you had a crush on in 8th grade let you put it in her 5 hole as you shot the puck with your stick deep inside her net.  And i feel this way because although i only get to say this special goodbye once a year, it’s as fantastic a holiday as Christmas morning for a child!

And if this goodbye proves ANYTHING it’s that not all goodbyes are a bad thing, and that deaths really do come in threes…

And i guess i shouldn’t keep the suspense up any longer, since i know none of you have figured out what i’m talking about and just want me to tell you.  Although ok fine, i’ll give you ONE more hint.  This goodbye also involves one of the most historic and greatest sports venues of all time, a mecca that only real dirtbags would ever try to disgrace.

But the time has finally come for me to drop my favorite goodbye of the year, although to be more specific it’s more of a LATER DICKS! then an actual goodbye.  So to the New York Rangers, that HORRIFIC lame excuse of a hockey team that has only won one fluke Stanley Cup since 19 gddamn 40!  And to poor little Henrik, a beautiful man whose good looks are only surpassed by his inability to win the big game yet is still called the King for some ungodly reason.  And also to all of you classless, soulless, heartbroken New York Rangers fans who will never, EVER see another Stanley Cup in your lifetimes or your children if any of you have any…

And to any and/or all of you who are fans of the New York Rangers that read my blog, just know that i HATE that team with my entire being, and i literally with every inch of my sexy and slightly overweight body despise all that you are.  And even though i’m only writing one more blog, possibly until the end of summer i have ZERO problems spending all of this one saying that NOTHING makes me happier then the Rangers getting knocked out of the playoffs.  And while you Ranger fans sit there in your tears unable to drink anything because like Lundqvist you have no cups, i am at home LAUGHING at your misery and i will never, EVER get sick of it!

And oh yeah…

LATER DICKS!

And that’s it for me today kids!  And sure some of you might thing it’s a little obnoxious and overboard to spend one of my last two blogs doing nothing but destroying the Rangers and laughing at their misery.  But lucky for me it’s my f*ckign blog and i do what i want!

And next week i’ll let you know all about my feelings about becoming a dad and taking this long break from my blog and blah blah blah who cares.  Well hopefully you guys do, but i’ll find that out next week on my FINAL blog!!!

Cya next Tuesday! – miguel jose

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