We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? -Daniel Tosh

23 May

What is up kids?

So yeah that was the gayest rapture ever.  And in case anyone’s wondering yes my parents do apparently read my blog, so if they didn’t know when i had sex for the first time they do now.  Remind me to never, ever speak to my parents again.  And oh yeah the blog i write about drugs on Friday might be a rough one…

i am totally sober as i write this,  i should admit that right off the bat.  But anyways… since most of you probably at least checked out the Yankees Mets game last night i’m gonna figure today is a good day to go off on fantasy baseball.  Plus i checked my stats and Monday is my least read blog anyways.  So if you can’t handle this go f yourself and read random nonsense already.  i guarantee at least one good random nonsense joke per blog!  Alright fine one good one per week.  Possibly bi-weekly.  Semi-annually at worst…

For the most part girls don’t seem to play fantasy sports, probably because they have better things to do like looking hot and whatever else girls do besides that.  Plus fantasy baseball is fun, and what lesson have we learned from this blog so far kids?  That’s right, you have learned nothing.  But what you could have learned on your own by now is girls do not like to have fun, hence the reason they can save money.  But now that i think about it, is fantasy baseball actually any fun?

The answer is no.  i played fantasy baseball for 7 or 8 years.  The first year i ever played i picked up a rookie free agent on the waiver wire named Albert Pujols.  He was doing okay and he was Dominican like me so i like f it i’ll take a chance.  That was probably the last good pickup i ever had…

Fantasy baseball is nothing but nonstop disappointment, frustration, and dealing with pu$$y baseball players and their constant injuries.  It’s basically the same thing as fantasy football, except it’s zero fun, the draft is usually online which is f’n ghetto, and i hate having to watch baseball and pay attention to the bottom line on ESPN to check out my stats every gddamn morning and night.  And you have to read news on players ALL THE F’N TIME.  It never ends, it’s like nonstop homework for a $hitty class.

The only reason guys play fantasy baseball, besides trying to make this 18 month long baseball season bearable of course, is because we are competitive aholes who like to lose money and we have nothing better to do.  What else am i going to do at work, do work?  F that, i’d rather read news on the latest catcher who might be brought up in Texas only to find out that the ahole in 2nd place already picked him up last week.  Instead i’ll end up picking up Barry Bonds the year after he sets the home run record and gets injured week 2 for the season, or i’ll take Paul Konerko and Mike Lowell the years they bat .141 and .218 respectively for the year. Or how about I get Robinson Cano the season he batted .200 until the All-star break?  i swear it’s like these players know i picked them in the draft and are going out of there way to f me in every hole. Can you guys have at least an average season? Oh you can’t? You have to bat 100 points under your normal average and hit 30 less home runs then you did before?  Thanks for that buddy, i really appreciate you totally f’n blowing it and ruining my season yet again.

i finally gave up playing fantasy baseball and it was one of the best decisions i’ve ever made.  It’s like being in an awful relationship or working at a $hitty job, and then you finally end it with that girl or quit that stupid job and you’re just like “Holy S i feel FANASTIC!!  Why did i wait so long to end that awfulness?”  Those of you still in fantasy baseball leagues just try taking a season off.  i promise you, you will never play this horrific and stupid game ever again.

One final point i’d like to make are about the two ways in which one can play fantasy baseball, Rotisserie or head to head.  First of all, don’t both of them sound like sex positions?  Oh wait i’m sorry, i mean both names ARE sex positions!  Basically they are telling you no matter which type of fantasy baseball you’re playing you are going to get f*cked.  But yeah if i had to choose a format i’d choose head to head.  i don’t dig rotisserie because then i am against ALL stats every night.  Anytime anyone hits a home run or pitches a great game it goes against me because some ahole will have that guy on their team.  At least in head to head i only have to hate certain guys week to week.  But as far as advantages go that is it, both ways are awful, both ways are nothing but heartbreak, and both ways have the same outcome.  i get fired up at the draft because i get some good guys, 2 months in i start regretting everything as all my pitchers tank, month 3 i’m making awful trades just to look at some new and different guys to hate, and by after the all-star break i have already given up and started looking forward to what really matters… Fantasy Football!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-i have to buy a new phone, and i was wondering if i should get a 3G or 4G.  It was becoming a really tough decision and i was constantly weighing my options.  But then i realized, oh yeah i don’t know what the f*ck any of that means.  i’m guessing 4G is better because it’s a higher number? Am i the only person on the planet who doesn’t get what any of this nonsense means?   idk, but either way buying a new phone is way too f’n complicated these days.

-i don’t know how to swim.  i feel like people are surprised to hear this, but that’s because they are judging aholes.  i didn’t have a pool growing up, does that help my defense?  It’s pretty hard to learn how to swim in the bathtub.  “And you were Mexican so of course you never took baths!”  C’mon Fuchs, you just had a birthday and you’re still as racist as ever?  You have a lot of growing up to do buddy.  But yeah i don’t swim so get off my back everyone.  And yes i can doggy paddle, if i was on a sinking boat i’d live for like 5 minutes after the boat went down.  But i’d get mad tired and be the first to drown.  And i can’t float either, you would think i could with my buoyant belly and all but alas i can not.  But regardless of all this i do love being in the water.  And yes when my family came to this country they hopped a fence and didn’t come over a raft.  i hate all of you.

-The movie “Goodfellas” is bar none the all-time WORST movie to watch ever… if you are hungry.  Holy S balls, even if you are only just a little bit hungry, you will be STARVING within 10 minutes.  There is just nonstop Italian feasts going on the entire time, even when they are in prison they eat a better Italian meal then you could get at Maggianos! Do not watch that movie if you don’t have food at your place, i’d suggest a pizza, penne vodka and a TON of sausage and peppers.  But if you’re hanging out with Mary Jane watching the movie and you have none food in the house you will eat any shady dish you can muster up i will promise you that.  But for the record, uncooked spaghetti on rye bread in tomato sauce tastes AWFUL.

-i think another reason people have kids, besides the obvious brainwashing from society telling us we “have” to do so in order to be happy in life, is that it may help you to not be complete out of control disasters.  Like for example, there is stuff i would never do or risk because i don’t want to disappoint my parents.  But if there comes a time when they are not on this planet anymore, my life will get straight RUTHLESS because i won’t give an F about anything.  Who am i going to disappoint, myself?  The guy who had McDonalds for breakfast and lunch on Saturday before boozing and throwing up and then getting Wendy’s late night spending the entire next day deucing and crying on the bowl to no end?  Because trust me, that guy doesn’t have such high standards for himself.  But yeah anyways i guess if you have kids then you won’t be so out of control because you don’t want to look bad to them.  So maybe for my own sake, for society’s sake, i should have kids someday.  Or maybe not.

“Facebook etiquette”- Just a heads up to everyone on Facebook, i do have eyes and i am normally in a building that has windows.  So you can probably stop with the constant weather updates everyone always puts as their status nonstop.  “OMG it’s raining again!”  Oh yeah is it?  Because i couldn’t tell by all the rain i could see and hear outside.  Unless you are John Cusack or Bubble Boy trying to warn me about the end of the world i have my Weatherbug App on my ipod if i need a weather service. Besides the obvious just “looking outside” technique that i have perfected of course.

So congrats everyone, we survived the first end of the world.  i still think the real one is coming December 21st 2012 but hopefully we have a few more fun ones before that.  And thanks to my mom who called me just to say “And i hear the world is supposed to end tomorrow, and i don’t think it will, but just in case know that me and your dad love you.”  Haha nice move covering all your basis just in case ma, i love you too! 🙂  And happy birthday to my big sister Lori who was the only one in my family who looked out for growing up, or at least the only one who didn’t hate me in the family.  I get along with everyone now, but during that “rough” period i had which was basically when i was 1-19 years old she was the only one on my side and i’d just like to thank her for that in front of everyone.  Happy birthday Lorenza!

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2 Responses to “We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure. As soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk? -Daniel Tosh”

  1. pinkfishgrl May 23, 2011 at 2:47 pm #

    YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO SWIM???!! Dude, I really have no idea why I didnt know this about you…but then again we didnt have too many options just going to the shore, I just remember lots of basement and pong. Idk why, but this really bugs me. I feel the need to teach you how to tred water. So come to FL where I can teach you how not sink, lol, and where there is pong in the pool, I guarantee you will be swimming then, haha.
    xoxoxxo

    Like

  2. Michele May 23, 2011 at 11:54 pm #

    Most women want to go out and have a few drinks, eat some really good food, and go home and have incredible sex with their man. I guess that's not as fun as being a guy,hanging with guys, eating crappy food, playing fantasy baseball and beer pong and not having sex. Aren't women terrible? haha.

    Thursday!

    Like

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