My Last Blog Before i Become a Dad

3 May

“You and i will meet again, when we’re least expecting it.  One day in some far off place, i will recognize your face.  i won’t say goodbye my friend, for you and i will meet again.”  – Tom Petty

What is up kids?

Well i’ll tell you what’s up.  Any day now, maybe even any second, i’m about to become a father for the first time in my life.  That i know about! HAHAHAHAHA ugh, shut up.

And being that i actually want to try and be successful at this dad stuff unlike literally every other endeavor that i have attempted in my life, this unfortunately means that i’m going to have to take a break from this blog that i love for a hot one despite how much it means to me to write it.

And for real, i realized a long time ago that as much as i love my faithful readers and will never be able to explain how much it means to me that you read my nonsense, the truth is i have always and will always have written this blog for myself.  Because surprisingly i’m not always the best at expressing myself in person.  And by “not the best” i mean i’m usually a stumbling over my words ahole who sounds like a complete and utter bag of anxious douche when i try to explain myself about anything.  But for some reason writing always came easier to me, and the confusion i get when trying to speak the words in my dome piece all become clear once the pen hits the paper.  “Pen?  But you type out your blog on a computer, what are you talking about?” Shut up, that’s what i’m talking about.

But somehow when i started this blog back on March 23rd 2011 i knew it would mean a lot to me to keep up with this blog and to not just start something and not finish it like i do with pretty much everything else.  But 5 years and 426 blogs later i can actually say for one of the few times in my life i’m actually proud of myself, and as i take this break now to go focus on my beautiful wife and my soon to be new family i’m actually okay doing it because i proved to myself that i can stick with something and for once i didn’t disappoint myself. And while i was at it i wrote some pretty f*cking funny and smart and original comedy along the way.

So enjoy today’s Random Nonsense everyone, it might be awhile before you get any more from me so savor this as much as i savor the New York Rangers getting knocked out of the playoffs every year!

RANDOM NONSENSE

 

 – So i know it’s hard to believe but i have to admit to all of you that i’m actually not Jewish.  However, there is something that i love about the Jewish tradition that i want to adopt into my own personal life that i really want to talk about, and that’s the smashing of glasses!  Have you ever been to a Jewish celebration, and then they put a glass in napkin and step on it and say “Jumanji!”  i gotta say that tradition looks MONEY and i want in ASAP!

But i’ll tell you right now i don’t want to be Jewish.  Nothing against them but i’m not about giving up my Saturdays, i think dreidels are lame and Matzah tastes like bland garbage.  And learning Hebrew?  If i’m going to learn another language it’s going to be Spanish, or at the very least i’ll try to get better at English.  Even though to be honest i think i ain’t not to bad at it at all, no?

But yeah as far as the smashing glasses thing i am IN!  i haven’t figured out what i could do it for, maybe when the NY Giants win a game i could smash a glass against the wall?  Or when the Rangers season finally ends without a Stanley Cup the way it has every single year since 1940 except for the “fluke of 94” i could smash some $hit in glee?  i don’t know, i haven’t figured out all the details yet.  But i’m over this whole not being Jewish and not having a tradition of smashing glass so someone get me a bottle ASAP!

– Dear restaurants that come around with grated cheese, can you just cut the bull$hit and leave the cheese on my table please?  i mean if you really want i have NONE trouble sitting there watching you empty the entire bowl onto my plate of pasta, because if you’re waiting for me to say “when” so you can stop your arms are gonna be MAD tired and you’re going to be waiting for a LONG ass time.  But instead, how about we cut out the embarrassment for both of us and you just leave that $hit so i can pretend my penne is the North Pole as i cover my beautiful winter scenery with a few feet of delicious snow?

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Bees Knees”  That’s the first name i ever used for this bit and i still think it’s the best!!!

– So part of me feels like i can’t wait to take a break from this blog.  Some days i would much rather booze and pass out and spend all day puking my lungs out then trying to sober up and put out an all new comedy blog full of free ha ha’s each week.  But an even bigger part of me already knows i’m going to miss this, because i love this blog almost as much as i love my life.

But no one loves their life more then my next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  and one look at him enjoying the beautiful water in mother nature i’m pretty sure you’ll agree.  So enjoy Jim Post and “i Love My Life!”

Fast Food Tips –  Here’s a fast food tip for all of you, PLEASE stop eating fast food!  Literally the biggest travesty out of everything is the fact that these corporations are allowed to call what they serve,”food” let alone fast.  Although if by “fast” they are talking about how fast this terrible poison will exit your anus or as fast as your disgusting painful death for eating this $hit your whole life will come then i guess fast food is an appropriate name.

But for real my friends, i’ll never tell you how to live your life. i know no one likes being judged, let alone by a sexy yet slightly overweight binge drinker who spends most weekends throwing up violently in the toilet and/or park behind his house.  And i know about Murica and freedom and yeah yeah yeah f*ck all of that.  The truth is this stuff is poison, and it’s chemically engineered to be delicious which it is but it’s straight up killing all of you.  Even if you’re active and skinny, if you eat fast food you’re much like Biff’s car in Back to the Future 2. You’re beautiful on the outside but inside you are filled to the brim with horse manure.  Although horse might be a better grade of meat then you’d get at Taco Bell…

But stop eating this $hit kids, seriously.  And i know you want to point the finger at me next to stop but i’ll tell you right now that i gave up fast food on January 1st of this year and haven’t had ANY all year.  And if you don’t think i’ve wanted to go the Taco Bell $1 breakfast value meal with a $100 bill and eat fast food breakfast until my heart and butthole exploded you are dead wrong.  But i haven’t eaten any and you shouldn’t either.  Not because i’m telling you not too, but because i love you guys and want you to live long, healthy, diarrhea free lives.  Or don’t listen to me and eat this filth and die horribly eventually, i don’t give a f*ck.  i’m just sayin.

So i don’t think it is but just in case this is my last blog ever i figure the money way to go out would be by reposting my very 1st rant ever back on March 23rd 2011.  Back when i was just a young, svelte, dashing young teenager, when my world revolved around nothing but beer pong, Kate Upton, boozing, power hours, Kate Upton and Kate Upton.  Who just got engaged by the way which i’m guessing is because she heard i’m already hitched so who cares what she does.  And it’s crazy to think that now my life will involve nothing but crying babies, changing diapers, figuring out how to put in a car seat and of course… beer pong.

But thanks again to all of you for reading “Here Comes the Money…” i know this sounds like i’m saying goodbye forever but it is most certainly not that.  It’s just for once i have something more important to focus on then just myself and my comedy and my random nonsense.  i have a beautiful wife whom i love and adore and we’re going to be having a new member soon to create my very own family.  So while i try to learn to grow up and take care of little Maximilian Jose, i need to say goodbye for now and i guess i’ll cya when i cya.

So i’m leaving you now with my first rant ever, although don’t forget you can always keep up with me on our Here Comes the Money… Facebook page and at @migueljose_85 on Twitter or on Instagram at VHSBREAKDOWN!

      So i’m writing my first blog, i feel like this is a lot of pressure for something that maybe if i’m lucky 2-3 people including myself will read…

But i’ve realized i have too much going on in my dome or mind grapes as Tracy Jordan would put it to not be writing anymore.  If there’s one thing I miss about being in high school besides being able to bang high school girls legally is the fact that during school i would write all gddamn day.  Songs, poems, rants, jokes… that’s all I would do all day is f’n write and i miss it terribly.

But i’ve been told that i should write a blog so i’m joining that bandwagon now.  yeah i know i’m late, i’m always late for everything.  i actually just signed up for something called “the Myspace” which is apparently the hip website the kids are on but now everyone tells me i should be on “Friendbook” instead or whatever it’s called.  maybe i’ll find out about that eventually.

yes i’m kidding.  i’m almost always kidding.  i pretty much never lie but i also never say anything without 98% of it being sarcasm.  until they come up w/ a “sarcasm” font you’re just gonna have to get it people who are not even reading this.

But yeah that’s about enough for my first blog i guess, it’s just the gddamn introduction for the love of pete.  My plan is to rant a bit on something each day and then post a few thoughts i gots after.  like Carlin’s Brain Droppings or Aaron Karo’s “Ruminations” but you know, my ideas.  But yeah when you just need to waste time on the internet and no one’s posting anything good on facebook and you can’t think of anything to look up on Wikipedia hopefully you’ll waste a few minutes on my blog because the lord knows i need the attention…- miguel josé

LATER DICKS!

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2 Responses to “My Last Blog Before i Become a Dad”

  1. samder68 May 3, 2016 at 6:30 pm #

    congrats, kid! welcome to a whole new brand of fun! best to you and the new family! -SDR

    Like

  2. luz May 4, 2016 at 6:30 pm #

    I loved it!!!! I knew there was a reason why I love you!

    Like

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