Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger but it won’t taste good. – Joe Paterno

THE BLOG WHERE i PHONE IT IN AFTER LABOR DAY

What is up kids?

How was everyone’s Labor Day weekend?  Mine was the MONEY!  So money in fact, that as a “special” treat i’m reusing an old rant that i posted after Labor Day two years ago!  Aren’t you lucky?

And no, i wasn’t going to just post it and try to play it off like none of you would remember it.  Because my guess is that at least one, to one and a half people would have realized/remembered it.  But i’m always open and honest with you, my loyal readers.  And if i’m going to be ghetto i’m going to be upfront and admit it!

So i’m reusing an old blog today, but in my defense i been SO gddamn busy with work and moving in to live with my beautiful girlfriend that it’s been ridiculously tough to find time to write these blogs.  Plus it was a holiday weekend!  You gotta give me a break on that, right?  No?  Well okay then, you’re still getting it.

And it also happens to be perfect because it’s a rant about going back to school and Labor day and everything else that i’m too tired to write about right now.  And since that is totally freaking topical right now i hope you enjoy my previously hilarious comedy my friends!

What is up kids?

It is too gddamn HOT for a penguin to just be walking around!  For real, i know it’s September and i know the summer is over and all but can it please cool off for just a hot second please??!?!  Honestly, the constant heat sucks but i can handle it i guess.  This nonstop humidity however, is f*cking RELENTLESS!  i already sweat enough by being a slightly overweight sexy basterd.  i don’t need to also sweat just by being outside!

But once again we’ve made it to September.  Is everybody looking forward to the weekend already?  i know the teachers are, you can’t wait to get through this first week!  Because then it’s only a few short months and then it’ll be Christmas break, and then a few more months and it’ll be summertime!  This entire year will fly by before you know it!

Alright probably not.  But either way, everyone’s back to school and ready to start the new year.  So for today i’d like to talk about my first day of college, because that was a nutty experience that i can easily stretch out into another rant because i got nothing else on my dome today!

The first day of college for me was a pretty memorable one.  Actually, it has to be memorable because it is one of the few memories i still have floating around my noggin besides both Giants Superbowl victories.  But i remember my parents driving me up to Pine hall, which was the Freshman dorm at Ramapo college back in 1964.  Alright fine, it wasn’t that long ago but it’s been awhile.  Anyways, i was in suite 530 i believe and i remember that because i was on the top floor with the last room room down the hallway. Which is what i’m pretty sure they do to all minorities at every school, because i know all my white friends were lamping on the second floor while me and all the aholes i lived with couldn’t live farther away from the entrance unless they put us on the roof of the building.  It was racist!

But after the debacle of having my parents help me bring in all my stuff and the stereotypical “goodbye” to them as i was now ready to become a man, i remember the next thing i did was talk to my new roommate and finding out he had a bottle of Vodka which lead to us making drinks, getting all fired up, and deciding to walk around the entire dorm meeting new people and talking to girls and stuff.

So yeah, i can say my first day of college was the MONEY, and it started me off on a path that would have me kicked out of that school only a year and a half later.   Yup, you heard that right.  And when i look back on it now, joining a fraternity my first semester probably wasn’t the best idea.  Because i obviously couldn’t handle partying and taking classes at the same time let alone partying, taking classes AND pledging a fraternity.

But like most things in my life i don’t regret that i did it.  i made some money friends, and i definitely drank and partied my face off for a year and a half straight that’s for sure.  And by a year and a half straight i mean i am still living that lifestyle to this day.  But it’s not my fault, i wasn’t ready for college!  Think of how i act now.  It was literally just this past weekend that i was on the bowl deucing and throwing up into my sink at the same time in a blacked out haze after drinking beer and wine and doing fireball shots!  Do you think when i first got out of high school and my body could actually handle that punishment that i was any better?  None chance.

But yeah nothing beats the first day of school at college.  i obviously must have loved going to college because it only took me 8 years or so to graduate.  In my defense, i took off about 3 of those years to work.  But still, that is a LONG gddamn time to go to college and not come out with a doctorate. And a lot of people are surprised when i say i joined a Fraternity, mostly because i have a ton of friends in real life so why did i have to go “buy” friends in college?  And that’s a really fantastic question, why did i do that?  To be honest i’m still not really sure why i did it, and when i tell you what i did during pledging you will REALLY wonder what the F i was thinking in order to pledge a Fraternity!  But i will save my pledging story for another blog, because this rant is over and it’s time to get back to work, and back to school!

RANDOM NONSENSE

–  So i know everyone hates that the summer is basically over.  But if there is one good thing about September being here is that it’s time for some football!  And not just any football, Fantasy Football!  Which is really the ultimate measure of any man, as Fantasy Football is the greatest game ever created after beer pong.  And yeah yeah Fantasy football is kinda like real life role play, or “LARPING” if you will.  But whatever, i guarantee none of those Larping dorks ever drank as many beers and/or did as many funnels as i did at my Fantasy Football drafts this past weekend!

-So this Sunday marks the “real” return of football.  But more importantly, Sunday marks the return of THE GREATEST CHANNEL EVER IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION!  That’s right kids, NFL Redzone returns this Sunday!  “But miguel, what is the Redzone channel?  And haven’t you posted this bit a hundred times already?”  Great questions, hot girl who is too busy being beautiful and keeping it tight to watch and/or understand/like football.  The Redzone channel is a channel that shows every scoring play for every NFL single game, which basically means it is heroin for Fantasy football fans.

Although to be honest, the Redzone channel might be a little more addictive then heroin, because this channel has it ALL!  Anytime any team gets inside the 20-yard line or the “Redzone” as it’s called (see, this is where this channel gets it’s name!) this network automatically switches to that game so the viewer can watch any scoring chances live while it’s happening.  And if there are 2 or more games going on in the Redzone at the same time, sometimes they will show a split screen and show all the games at once, or they will show the most important game and then show the other highlights immediately after they occur.  So when you’re sitting home watching T.V. for Fantasy football stats, there is no other channel that you need other then the Redzone channel.

And the funny thing is i haven’t even mentoined the best part of it yet… THERE ARE NO COMMERCIALS EVER!!  If the game they are showing goes to a commercial they immediately switch to another game so you never have to watch any at all.  And if it’s halftime for all the games, or if by some chance all the games are on a commercial at the same time, then they will show the Redzone host who will give highlights of the other games and go over news and notes in the league until a game starts up again.  But they will NEVER show commercials!   So hooray for football being back, but an extra double hooray hooray for the NFL Redzone channel which is probably in my top 5 all time best things ever in life after blow jobs, rocky road ice cream, family, and God.  Probably not in that order though.

mIGUEL’S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!! So did all of you hear how they are redoing a bunch of DC comics, and in the new version they are making the Green Lantern a Muslim?  Holy S!  i don’t read comics anymore but that is crazy news!  Or not really, because who cares if he’s Muslim?  i sure don’t, as long as he fights crime i don’t care what he is.  If i needed help and the only person who can help me is a Muslim then for the love of Jeebus please help me now!!  Or should it be for the love of Allah?  i don’t know, and i don’t care.  Good for DC though, it’s about time they started making more realistic Comic book heroes.  Next thing you know they’ll make a gay Green Lantern.  “They already did that miguel!”  Thanks dork who reads that comic, but i think i knew they had a gay Green Lantern once they cast Ryan Reynolds in that movie.  WHOOPS!  So yeah a Muslim and Gay Green Lantern don’t impress me at all.  Maybe i, miguel jose should be the next Green Lantern?  A sexy yet slightly overweight Mexican Dominican Green Lantern with the power to make girls who are out of my league fall in love with my magic ring.  Hey don’t laugh, it could happen…

And that’s it for me today kids! i hope you liked it short and sweet, because that’s all i gots for you all today. Just like you i’m easing back into work and/or school after this holiday weekend/short summer season, so if this is all the energy i have you should feel privileged to get these free laughs!  Or not, but either way thanks for reading and i’ll see you kids back here on Friday with an all new blog!

And oh yeah, hey summer…

LATER DICK!

Cya, and follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

I never apologize Lisa. I’m sorry but that’s just the way I am. – Homer Simpson

THE LAST BLOG UNTIL AFTER LABOR DAY

What is up kids?

It’s the last blog i write until after Labor Day!  Although i have to ask you all one really important question, what the hell are you doing reading this?  Why aren’t you watching the Simpsons marathon that’s going on right now on FXX?  Wait, what do you mean you don’t have a clue what i’m talking about?!?!  Right now on FXX they are showing, in order, EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER.

And watching this marathon has been the best thing ever for a lot of reasons, if not only to cement the fact that this is the greatest show of all time.  i mean yeah yeah “Breaking Bad” was the money.  But how many episodes did they even have of that show? 62?  That would have only gotten you into the beginning of Season 4 of the Simpsons for crying out loud!

And yeah yeah, i’ve been talking about this marathon NON STOP for the last few months as well as every day that it’s been on.  But what the hell else am i going to watch on television, the VMA’s?  Who f’n watches that garbage anymore?  i mean here’s all you need to know about the music industry, they gave Best Rock video to Lorde for crying out loud.  And i’m not saying Lorde ain’t money because she’s definitely very talented.  But best Rock video?  i haven’t seen a travesty that bad since Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun” lost Best Video to Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares to You!”  And sure Sinead’s song is incredible and it makes me cry when i hear it.  But the video was terrible!  It was nothing but her bald face crying at the camera!  Aerosmith’s “Janie’s Got a Gun” was a mini movie for crying out loud!  And a pretty good one! And yes i realize none of you have a clue what i’m talking about, i’m an old man for goodness sake!

But anyways, despite everything i’ve said already about this Simpsons marathon i still can’t express enough how fun it’s been to watch it and remember where i was the first time i watched these episodes.  i mean this show has been on television since 1989!  And while none of the characters ever aged on this show, my entire childhood was spent growing up with the Simpsons.  A joy i get to relive as i get to see my nephew grow up watching this show as well.  So in addition to all of the old memories and nostalgia i already feel, i can now enjoy talking about it to my nephew who is also a HUGE fan of the Simpsons!  Which means i also get to watch a new generation of my family fall in love with this show, and i have to say this is one of the moneyest things EVER.

And it’s also why i will continue to say that the Simpsons is the greatest show of all time.  And whether you’ve watched as many episodes as humanly possibly like i have during this marathon or you haven’t seen a second of it yet, now is the time to go put it on and enjoy the greatest comedy that humans have ever created.  Or you can not watch it and keep blowing it in life, but my advice to you is to stop blowing it and start watching already!!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So i know none of my teacher friends want to hear this and to be honest it hurts me to say it, but school is right around the corner!  i know, i know, i’m sorry i said it!  But if there is one good thing about going back to school is that now is the perfect time to re-watch the 3rd Episode of the second greatest show of all time “VHS Breakdown” where we review the Rodney Dangerfield classic, “Back to School!”

And it’s funny because out of all the people who’ve watched it there was only one YouTube viewer who noticed that i gave the wrong year at the beginning of the episode and as far as i know that’s the only time we’ve made that mistake on our show.  But i’ll tell you all the same thing i told that random YouTube commentator, that was an ACTUAL power hour that i did before filming this episode so give me a break!  And enjoy our breakdown of “Back to School!”

https://youtube.googleapis.com/v/jjTRnWtXrV0&source=uds

Speaking of “VHS Breakdown” we are currently on hiatus at the moment.  But we have some BIG plans and we’ll be back soon with a brand new website, and all new PODCAST, and of course Season Three of VHS Breakdown!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Lack Lusters”

That one was from Rob, and probably one of my favorite band names of all time.  If you think you could do better i’d like to see you try!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i talk to myself.  Like, a LOT.  Not like crazy person a lot but definitely borderline that much, and i can definitely see it’s getting worse as i get older.  “You’re already old!”  Shut up person blowing up my spot right after my birthday!  Although i guess admitting i talk to myself like a nutjob isn’t helping anything.  For real, i talk to myself at home, in the car, in public… wow i guess i kinda do it all of the time.  i probably got this trait from my dad, he does it a decent amount as well.  Although you would too if you had 5 kids!

But whatever, i’ve been thinking about it and i’ve finally realized yesterday that i’m okay with talking to myself  Why wouldn’t i be? i talk to plenty of aholes and dumbasses during the day that aren’t nearly as smart or as funny as i am, let alone who are as attractive and/or have as nice a penis!  And anyways, when i talk to myself i’m at least talking to someone who will get my jokes.  And plus figure if i’m going to grow increasingly insane i might as well embrace it.  And all of you should embrace my insanity too, unless you want me to murder you in your sleep of course.  HAHAHAHA I’M JUST KIDDING!!! 🙂 !!  haha…

“OLD SCHOOL” Tips for Video Games: i don’t really have any tips for this game other then to say it helps if you are EXTREMELY racist…

Thanks to Jay John for that picture because all that kid does is post ruthless pics on Facebook all day like a lunatic.

But alright fine, some of you may have noticed i haven’t done this video game tip bit in a while.  So it’d probably be cool if i had an actual tip for this bit.  So here ya go, the new Super Mario Brothers game is coming out soon!

Alright fine, the real “tip” here is for all of you no life having nerds to stop playing video games and start hitting on hot broads who will hopefully play with your own personal joystick one day!

Fast Food Tips – So hopefully you’ll be at a BBQ with your friends and/or family this Labor Day weekend and the last place you’ll end up is a Quick Chek.  But if you are a poor pathetic loser and you end up there then you’re in luck because they are having a Labor Day Sub Spectacular from August 29th to September 1st where all 6 inch subs are $1.99!  So have fun at your BBQ’s you popular people, my lonely ass will be going to town on cheap good sandwiches!

And that’s it for me this week kids!  And i would apologize for only putting out one blog last week on my birthday and only putting out one blog the week before a long holiday weekend but if you read my quote to start this blog you realize i NEVER apologize!  So have a great end of August everyone, party it up as much as possible, don’t end up at Quick Check the way i plan on doing and i’ll see you kids in September!

Cya Next Tuesday!  And follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. – Steve Jobs

THE BLOG THAT i TOOK OFF BECAUSE OF MY BIRTHDAY

What is up kids?

“Hey A$$hole, don’t give us “What is up kids?“!?!”  Where the f*ck were you on Tuesday with an all new blog?  You never even told us you were taking off!”  Why no, no i didn’t.  And for that i do apologize to my faithful readers, because after over 3 1/2 years of writing these over 325 blogs i finally got ghetto and just didn’t put one up.  But it wasn’t my fault!  i had started my birthday blog and had planned to have it ready, but then i ran into some computer issues and unfortunately i wasn’t able to post it on Tuesday. But i hope you can forgive me! Plus  i was too busy partying on my birthday to post a new blog!

“Whoo hoo birthday boy!”  Yeah yeah Tuesday was my birthday.  Whoever took the under on whether i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don’t blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor…

Hey, wait a minute.  That’s the joke i started off my blog with the only time i posted a blog on my actual birthday back in 2011.  And while i’m a big fan of reusing my old material i think my loyal readers deserve a brand new opening for this brand new birthday blog!  So here goes…

What is up kids?

Well i can tell you one thing that’s up, and that’s me in age.  And that’s because today’s my birthday!

“Whoo hoo birthday boy!  Now you’re not just fat, you’re fat AND old!  And unfunny!  i mean really, “up in age?”  Did you really think we’d let you get off with such a lame joke just because it’s your birthday?”  Why yes, yes i did.  But the fact that you expect more from me even in my advanced years makes me feel good.  In fact, it makes me feel great!  Because it’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends, and what’s better then spending my birthday with my family and my girl and my friends?  Nothing, that’s what.  Days like this is what’s life is all about, and i’m going to enjoy every second of it!  Even the hours that i’m spending at work today!

Yup, you heard me right. i’m actually at work on my birthday.  Which is really a rookie mistake to make, because who wants to be at work on their birthday?  Psychos, that’s who.   Although a veteran will tell you that you should never take off from work on the day of your birthday.  You take the day AFTER off so you can go to work, get all the birthday attention showered on you that you deserve, and then party all night and spend the day after your birthday recovering!  Although since i didn’t take the day after my birthday off either i really am straight up BLOWING it this year.  Next thing you know i won’t even get to post this blog today!  Which is kind of sad, because you would figure after being on this planet for 52 years i would finally start to figure out SOMETHING…

But no i haven’t learned a thing, and apparently i’m know smarter then i was when i first popped into this world kicking and streaming.  Although i’m not really sure if i was brought in kicking and screaming on my first birthday.  i mean my memory of that day is foggy at best.  i remember there being a lot of light, and me being covered in blood and goo and there were a lot of people staring at me in masks.  Which is funny, because that is LITERALLY the exact same way i celebrated my birthday party last Saturday night, completely covered in goo!

But that was last weekend, and now my birthday suit has been rinsed and scrubbed and i’m smelling great and feeling fresh!   And i know what you’re thinking, and you’re welcome for me putting this image in your head!  Although speaking of keeping things fresh, since it is my birthday and i believe that i’ve earned the right to post a blog late AND be lazy and post old stuff, i’m going to leave you off with a rant i wrote for another birthday blog.  It’s one that still makes me laugh, so hopefully it does for you too.  And if it doesn’t oh well, just pretend it does and it can be one last birthday present for me!  Thanks so much everyone!

What is up kids?

Blog 149 and i’m feeling fine… plus it’s my birthday weekend!  Alright fine who am i kidding, it’s my birthday month and i haven’t stopped partying once!  Because i’ll be honest my friends, i am a HUGE fan of my birthday.  i mean don’t get me wrong, yeah i’m getting kind of sick of this whole getting older thing.  But whatever, sleeping with an 18 year old girl is legal in this country whether i am 24 or i’m 54.  So who cares how old i’m getting?  i follow the laws of this country, of AMERICA.  And if banging an 18 year old teen is legal, and as long as i obey the laws of this great nation i consider myself a patriot and a great American.  US and A!  US and A!  US and A!

RANDOM NONSENSE

–– If there’s one thing i dig about getting older it’s not having to do my laundry at a laundromat anymore.  Isn’t that the WORST??? i actually have less respect for people who have never had to do their laundry at a laundromat, because they don’t know the struggle the rest of us have had to deal with.  Like for example, the fact that every Laundromat is THE SHADIEST PLACE ON EARTH! 

There are always nothing but the ugliest and creepiest people ever around, you always put your laundry in and then leave and when you come back there are no dryers available, and you’re always pretty sure someone tries on your underwear when you’re not around.  And i don’t mean after it’s clean!  And of course these machines don’t take debit cards and you have to go looking for quarters like you’re a teenager in the 80’s playing video games.  And the best thing is when you’re finally done and get home and then you realize you forgot to empty your hamper and now you have to go back again.  But yeah getting old sucks my balleens but never having to go to the laundromat is the moneyest thing ever!  Although can anyone explain to me why it’s spelled laundromat and not “laundrymat?” i just can’t figure it out…

– So besides reading my blog and letting me get away with not posting on on Tuesday, and also letting me reuse a ton of old material for today’s blog i do want to ask you all for ONE more present.  And that’s to watch the Season Finale of “VHS Breakdown” Season One, “Revenge of the Nerds” one more time! This episode has WAY less views then it should, especially considering it’s one of the most EPIC shows we’ve ever done.  It’s one of my favorite movies ever, we literally wrap up our entire first season in amazing fashion and the ending is so touching that i literally shed a tear every time i watch it.  Now if i could only shed some pounds as well my life would be perfect!

“Facebook Etiquette”-

– i know i’ve mentioned it one or 85 times or so but in case you didn’t know FXX is now showing a marathon of every, Simpsons, EVER!!!

If you don’t think i’m going to try and spend every possibly second watching as much of this marathon that i can then you are insane in the old membrane because i f’n LOVE the Simpsons.  In fact, if we had only one thing that we could send future generations to show them how amazingly funny and smart and gifted we were as a human race i would send them a copy of this marathon and that’s it.  And don’t give me that $hit about this show not being funny after the 4th season.  i’d put seasons 5-12 against ANY other shows and it’d be right in the conversation of funniest show ever, no contest!  And if you don’t agree with me on this that’s fine, because opinions are like a$$holes and if you don’t think the Simpsons are the moneyest show ever then you’re an a$$hole!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The Jack A Ninnies

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Speaking of birthdays, while i do love my birthday and all, and while i personally have my birthday “month” where i basically do whatever i want all of August, i absolutely HATE surprise parties.  Not because i hate parties, but because the idea of a “surprise” party is so f*cked up!!  So let me get this straight, ALL of my closest friends and even my family members are going to get together and go behind my back so they can come up with some HUGE lie that they are going to tell me right to my face???  i’ll tell you right now, i am NOT comfortable with that knowledge!!  

And who’s the one who throws these surprise parties? It’s always your best friend or your girlfriend or brother or your wife or sister or mother, whoever is closest to you in this life and has your most trust.  Because yeah that’s awesome, it’s good to know that i would actually take a bullet for you and there are secrets i know about you that i would take to my grave.  But you on the other hand, have NO PROBLEM gathering everyone i know behind my back in order to come up with a huge conspiracy of lies just to get me to show up at a random restaurant on a Friday night.  i’m tired of the lies, i’m tired of not being able to trust those closest to me, and i’m gddamn tired of surprise parties!!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Thanks to everyone for all of your birthday wishes, and thanks for forgiving me for being too lazy to post a new blog on my birthday and still coming back to read me today.  i had one of the best birthdays ever, and i have to thank my parents and my sister Rachael (who’s birthday is tomorrow!) and my friends who came to my party and most importantly my girlfriend who did everything to make sure i had the best day.  i’ve definitely got this getting older thing down now, so once i get the getting wiser part as well my life will be perfect.  But until then i’ll just keep writing blogs until i get there i guess.  Starting with this one and the one i will put out this Tuesday.  i promise!

Cya on Tuesday, for reals this time! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them. – Leo Tolstoy

 THE LAST BLOG i WRITE BEFORE TURNING ANOTHER YEAR OLDER…

What is up kids?

i’m not sure, but can someone tell me why cops are shooting unarmed black kids like hotcakes these days?  Whether it be choke holds to a guy whose biggest crime is selling loose cigarettes, or shooting an unarmed teen in Walmart that is holding a BB gun that is sold at the store, and then never releasing the name of the cop who shot him and then sending armed men with machine guns and tanks to a protest of said shooting, cops sure don’t look that great in the media these days.

That picture above DEFINITELY shows the correct response to a bunch of peaceful, unarmed protesters who are exercising their Constitutional rights to speak out against injustice!  It’s a good thing these cops responded the same way when there was an armed white militia pointing guns at the Bundy ranch!  Oh wait, now i remember.  Cops were nowhere to be found at the Bundy ranch.  How convenient!  Although i guess it makes sense, you wouldn’t want to send a bunch of cops dressed like this to a protest where white people have guns.  That might actually be dangerous!

And am i saying all cops are power hungry racist monsters?  No, of course not.  i know plenty of cops that are good people, and when most of them pull me over just for being a Hispanic driving a car in Bergen County they are very gentle with their cavity searches and even throw in a nice tickle to my taint here and there.  And to be honest even as i speak on these troubling issues i won’t even pretend to know all of the facts of these cases and/or try to make a strong point either way on who’s right and who is wrong.  Because i’m not going to sit here and pretend like i know everything that’s going on just to fit my own personal narrative and then pass on said ignorance to my readers.  i mean yeah i do that with pretty much every other rant/bit that i do on this blog, but not with this one!

 But despite all that i will say there is definitely something wrong with the police culture in this country.  And while it just may be a few bad apples that are ruining the bunch something still needs to be done IMMEDIATELY.  Like first off, why don’t the police have cameras with them all of the time?  Obviously they aren’t doing anything illegal if they are cops, what would they possibly be afraid of having on videotape?  And to all you people that are so in favor of people on welfare having to take drug tests before they can get any money, don’t you also believe police should film everything they do so that we can hold them accountable as well?  Or are you only concerned with poor black people spending money on alcohol and drugs, and not with the police being held responsible for their actions?  Seems just a tad hypocritical to me.

Although i don’t know, filming the police seems like it would make WAY too much sense which means it’ll probably never happen.  i mean yeah instead of just accepting the word of a man who’s in uniform seems to work fine for them now, but if we filmed everything the cops were doing then maybe we could have an objective look at the facts instead of just taking a policeman’s word for everything and assuming that cops would never lie.  For some reason that doesn’t make sense to me…

But whatever, enough of this garbage for one day.  i feel lucky and privileged that i can comment and joke about these issues without personally being involved or affected, but the truth is two people that didn’t need to die are now dead with one of them being a teenager.  A teenager that will never know what it feels like to turn 20 let alone 30, and that is a tragedy.

Although speaking of turning 30 my birthday is this Tuesday! Holy $hitballs everyone!  And to all of you taking bets that my obesity and sloth would have stopped my heart by now and that i would have never made it to this age well you can go suck it!  So enough with these tragedies for one day, and enough with the police brutality.   i’m just going to focus on my own happiness and the love that surrounds me and my family and my girl and my friends.  Because like we learned on the Series Finale of Wilfred that almost brought me to tears, happiness does not depend on outward things, but on the way we see them.

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So yeah forget my birthday this Tuesday, we’re only 7 DAYS AWAY before FXX airs EVERY. SIMPSONS. EVER!

And if wondering what my all time favorite episode is, and unless you hate comedy and awesomeness of course you are, my favorite/best episode of the Simpsons ever is “i Love Lisa,” the 15th episode of what most people consider the greatest season, Season 4.  If you haven’t seen this one you are kinda blowing it in life, but it’s the one where Lisa gives Ralph Wiggum a Valentine’s day card because no one else did and she feels bad for him and then he falls in love with her.  From top to bottom this is best episode i’ve ever seen, and if anyone disagrees or thinks otherwise please let me know in the comments here and/or on Facebook!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So when i buy eggs at the store i never check my eggs first to see if any of them are broken.  Is that what everybody does?  It seems like it would make sense to just give them a quick once over and make sure that none of the eggs you bought are broken already.  And i know that’s the smart thing to do and that i should do it every time.  But instead i’ve decided that i’ll just take the chance and hope for the best because i’m too stupid to take that 2-3 seconds to open the carton.  Am i the only one this lazy?  i don’t even really have a bit here, i’m just wondering.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why do people only drink eggnog during the holidays?  I love egg nog, i think its delicious.  But other then Christmas and Easter i never let myself enjoy a glass.  Which is bull$hit because it’s delicious!  So why do i wait for it once a year?  Same thing goes for deviled eggs.  i LOVE deviled eggs but besides Easter i pretty much never eat them except on the rare occasion somebody really awesome makes them.   And again i don’t really have a bit here, it’s just odd to me.  Two fantastic egg treats, and for some unknown reason i only enjoy them semi-annually.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i think Egg rolls are weird and disgusting.  i always give them a chance, mostly because they come free with whatever else i order and i sure do love free stuff.  But ugh, i just can’t like them.  What are they anyway?  It’s like fried cole slaw and Chinese onions are weird stuff like cat and whatever, or at least that’s what they taste like to me anyways.  And i try to dip them in different sauces to make them better, but it is always still just kinda gross and i can’t eat more then one or two bites before i’m finito. 

And it’d be nice if i could substitute another free thing when i order Chinese food instead of Egg rolls since i don’t dig them.  Like i wish i could get boneless barbecue spare ribs instead or that garbage.  “But miguel they can’t do that, that costs so much more!  They’d never do that switch!”  That’s why i said “it’d be nice” ahole.  What am i not gonna wish for the best possible thing?  Please don’t take away my dreams people.

Fast Food FACTS:  Do you guys know how to tell if eggs are fresh or not?  i had a conversation recently about fresh eggs because i’m a stupid grown up now and that’s what stupid grown ups do.  But i was intrigued to hear how amazing super fresh eggs taste and now i’m kind of obsessed with them.  Anyways if you are obsessed with fresh eggs the way i am, here is a helpful chart to help increase your insanity!

Fast Food Tips – “Hey a$$hole!  That’s enough bits about gddamn eggs!  And these are all old bits that you’ve done already, how about something new you lazy unfunny basterd?!?”  True, i guess those last few bits do smell a little, rotten.  But yeah i agree, enough about eggs.  How about chickens?!?  Because if you haven’t heard Burger King has just brought back their “Chicken Fries,” which i’m guessing they’re doing because those lowfat garbage “Satisfries” they tried pushing on us a while ago were terrible and yet another marketing blunder by corporate douchebags who don’t understand the product they sell which is unhealthy awfulness.

BK describes them as “premium white meat chicken, coated in a light crispy breading seasoned with savory spices and herbs.” i describe them as unknown mystery meat coated in carby nonsense that in no way should be described using the words “savory” or “spices” or “herbs” or “chicken.”  But lucky for Burger King and all fast food places there is zero truth in advertising.  So enjoy your “premium” white meat chicken, which is obviously what America prefers over a healthier alternative.  

And oh yeah, here’s one last message to Burger King’s “healthy” Satisfries…

LATER DICKS!

“Here’s another question I have: how come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden?” 
– George Carlin

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend and if you’re around my house this Saturday i hope you stop by for my epic birthday party!  And by “epic” i mean i’m going to get really drunk and angry and probably pass out by 8:30 because i’m an old f*ck who can’t hold his liquor and never could.

But thanks for reading my blog, i hope i made you think and/or laugh at least once and please feel free to share with others that like doing those things as well.  It can be an early birthday present for me!  Although speaking of my birthday, i’ll see you guys next Tuesday when it actually IS my birthday!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

I’ll fake it through the day with some help from Johnnie Walker Red. Send the poison rain down the drain to put bad thoughts in my head. Two tickets torn in half and a lot of nothing to do. Do you miss me, Miss Misery, like you say you do? – Elliot Smith "Miss Misery"

THE BLOG WHERE I AM WHAT I AM & THAT’S ALL THAT I AM 

What is up kids?

At the moment it’s me but i can’t lie my friends, i am TIRED as i write this.  i’m also super hilarious and sexy, but all the same i am BEAT right now.  Although if i’m being honest, isn’t this the same way i start off EVERY blog these days now that i’m working again?  Hopefully i’m not being a broken record on these rants.

“Well if by “broken record” you mean you’re consistently being not funny on your blog day in and day out, and that all you do is cry about working like a little pu$$y even though you’ve only had a job for 2 1/2 weeks well then you just might be the broken record of the movie soundtrack for “Groundhog’s Day!” In fact,  isn’t your name Ned?  Ryerson?  Needle nose Ned!”

Yeah, yeah, so i’m a crybaby these days.  i’m getting older and i’m tired all the time and i’m turning into a whiny, complainy bitch boy with sand in his vagina.  Are you happy now?  i can’t help it!  My birthday is a week from today and to be honest i can’t say that i’m the biggest fan of it coming up.  i mean don’t any of you realize just how creepy it would be for me to be dating any 18 year old right now?  It’s finally getting kinda weird!  “Oh really, an 18 year old?  What was his name?”  C’mon, JEWELL!!

Anyways, i’m just kidding about being depressed.   i’m a huge fan of my birthday, and i don’t really care about getting older.  i mean yeah i’m not the young buck i once was, and yeah maybe my hangovers last 3 or 4 days now and i can’t drink and party like i used to, and no one seems to be impressed when i drink so much that i get angry and black out anymore.  And yeah i’m definitely not getting any skinnier, and the wrinkles in my face and around my eyes are much more pronounced these days, and i find grey hairs in my beard when i shave and the hairs on my forehead seem to be leaving town quicker then an uneducated moron runs to a Sarah Palin rally.

Sure you can win, idiot.  But yeah it definitely doesn’t bother me to be getting older.  Why should it?  i feel lucky enough just to be able to enjoy another birthday.  i mean honestly, if you don’t realize every day on this planet is a gift then you should probably get your priorities straight in your life.  It’s a MIRACLE that we’re even here!  And i don’t even mean just being alive, i mean being lucky enough to be born in America, at a time where the world is connected through the interwebs and we have 1000’s of channel on our T.V. and have every single song we could ever want to listen to on our phones!  We literally live in the best possible time in our short history, so why would you ever be sad about getting to enjoy another birthday?  This ride doesn’t last forever kids, so i say enjoy it for as much and as long as you can!

“Really?  Is that what you say miguel?  Because i’m pretty sure there are like a million other people who ever said this a million times before.  You’re not saying anything new you unoriginal hack!”  

No, i definitely didn’t make up that saying, or that “mantra” if you will.  But that doesn’t make it any less true, and it doesn’t mean that people don’t need to be reminded about that time and again.  See i write this blog because i’m an attention needing whore bag, and if telling jokes and stealing memes from the interwebs gets that attention for me so be it.  But i also write this blog to remind you all just how silly all of this is, and how crazy we are to take anything in this life too seriously.  i mean yeah we can hate our jobs, or feel heart broken about a lost love, or even a relative that we miss.  And we can get mad at how awful everything is in this world from the constant wars we seem to be in and the hatred that people feel towards gays and minorities or even towards people who like a different sports team then they do.

Yeah we can all do and feel all of that. Or we can just sit back, enjoy the ride of being alive and just laugh at the nonsense.  Which isn’t possible to do all the time, but at least you can do it for a little while here twice a week every Tuesday and Friday on “Here Comes the Money…”  And you can also fill my insatiable ego as well!  It’s win win for everyone!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So can i just donate money for ALS without dumping ice cold water on my dome?  Is that possible?  Why do people always have to do such wacky $hit in order for people to donate money towards a cause?  Personally i rarely donate to anything because i’ve got zero funds in my pocket.  Having no job for 4 years will do that to you.  But whether it’s running a 5k where people throw paint on you, or filming dumping yourself pouring ice on your head to get people to donate i feel like it’s kind of a sad state that the only way people will help each other is if you get to wear a yellow rubber band around your wrist in order to raise money for a cause like cancer.  Although now that i think about it that steroid using bike rider raised a TON of money to support cancer so i guess all this nonsense can’t be too bad.  Have fun with your ice baths you psychos!

mIGUEL’S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!! –  So while i don’t really get that hurt up about celebrities dying that i’ve never even met, it’s still a sad thing to me when a fellow human being loses his or her life in this world.  So i will say that if i had to pick my favorite Robin Williams movie i would have to pick “Jumanji.”  And yeah i know the quote i used from Elliot Smith to start off this blog came from the movie “Good Will Hunting” and of course Jewell was thinking that’s what i would pick as my favorite Williams movie.  C’mon, JEWELL!!

But i actually dig Jumanji better, despite the fact that i know G Will Hunting was the better movie.  For some reason i remember being home one day and the movie coming on HBO or something and i just happened to catch it, and i was literally hooked from the first scene till the end of the film.  i remember thinking that it was pretty good for a kids movie, because it was actually kind of ruthless and scary and that it probably wasn’t for really young kids.  But it’s definitely a movie worth watching and if it’s ever on you should check it out, because it’s pretty entertaining and it’s a enjoyable fun ride that the whole family will enjoy!

And i also love this movie because Hitler would have probably hated it.  He would have wanted to take the “Jew” out of Jumanji that’s for sure!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Did you ever notice how much girls love the Disney movie “Aladdin”.  “OMG miguel i love that movie!” Yeah yeah, i know.  And good, you should love that movie.  And the real reason i’m glad girls love that movie so much is because if you’re a girl and you love “Aladdin” what you are basically saying is that you are a fan of the idea of banging a dirty, thieving minority just to make your parents mad.

Because that’s all the movie is really about, isn’t it?  Forget the whole genie and other nonsense, this movie was about a girl who loved a dirtbag who her parents hated.  And i dig that whole concept BAD.  Because let’s be honest, most white girls know their parents wouldn’t be happy if they brought home some illegal, brown skinned thief, especially when they are from a well to do family in the nice part of town.  But that’s why deep down, all you ladies have those secret feelings of having wild crazy sex with a dirty, filthy minority, and the fact that he’s not good for you and the fact that he’s poor, and the fact that your parents would go nuts if they ever found out only makes it hotter.  So keep enjoying the movie “Aladdin” my female friends! Trust me, the message you are trying to send out is getting to me loud and clear. And for the record i look great in a vest, and you can pet my monkey all you want!

Fast Food Tips –  i’m a big fan of McDonalds, which is probably easy to tell by looking as my vast waistline.  But if there is one downfall from going there, it’s the downfall of diarrhea that comes from my butt cheeks after eating anything on their menu.  The only thing i could think of that’s worse then that would be if that downfall also came with a burning sensation, which is why i’m staying clear from McDonald’s brand new “Jalapeno Double” which is available for $2.  A fitting price, considering that won’t be the only time you’re dropping the number “2.”  

Their site describes it as “two mouth watering 100% beef patties topped with both crispy and sliced jalapenos, white cheddar gooey goodness, and our classic ranch sauce.”  And besides “gooey goodness” being my nickname in college, i would also describe this sandwich as a “painful anus delight that is sure to rock your stomach as well as you’re toilet bowl.”  But like i said before it’s only 2 beans, and sometimes you gotta eat cheap not smart.  So if you get one or two of them i won’t blame you!  

And that’s it for me today kids!  i need to go to bed ASAP so i’m gonna make this short and sweet, which was the exact opposite of the bathroom trip i made after eating a Jalapeno Double.

But i hope you have a great week, and i’ll see you kids on Friday for the last time before i turn another year older!  God help us all!!! But especially me.  

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

There’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord, when I lay My vengeance upon you." – Jules Winfield "Pulp Fiction"

THE BLOG WHERE i GET MEDIEVAL ON YOUR ASSES

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s gddamn FRIDAY!!!  And not just any Friday, it’s the Friday that my college/camping buddies are coming by to hang out and play beer pong all night and eat burgers and brats and tell horrifically disturbing stories/jokes, the kind that if any regular human being heard what we were talking about they would never look at us in the same way again… 

Although now that i think about it, isn’t that how EVERYBODY is with their friends?  i mean yeah all of us “pretend” to get offended when people say something racist, or insult someone’s religion and/or faith, or even make fun of someone with some sort of a physical and/or mental disability.  But in reality, doesn’t EVERYBODY find that kind of stuff really funny deep inside? 

Now let me be clear, i am NOT racist.  However, if a black guy cuts me off on the highway in their car you can bet i am dropping the most racist slurs possible left and right.  Hell, if a Mexican lady cuts me off you can bet i’m dropping Home Depot/beans and rice lines until my throat gets sore, and i’m half Mexican! 

And forget when i’m behind the wheel, when me and my friends get together we all tell the kinds of jokes that would make our parents and colleagues disown us, because we are RUTHLESS.  Like you know how any time you hear about a famous person, like an actor or musician say something that’s not “politically” correct, and then there is some sort of HUGE controversy over it?  Not only do i never get offended by any of that nonsense, i personally say WAY worse stuff in the privacy of my own home, literally on a daily basis!

 

And i have to believe most of you are the same way.  i mean yeah at work and/or in public we all pretend that we’re nice, civilized people who have no f*cked up thoughts.  But in the privacy of our own homes, with people that we know and trust, we all end up acting a little bit like Donald Sterling watching his young dumb girlfriend hang out with Magic Johnson.  And no, i’m not saying that we’re all actually racist behind closed doors.  Don’t you remember me saying before that i’m not racist? i literally just said it!  All i’m saying is that when most of us are “off the record” we’re all WAY more dirty and crass and offensive then we would ever admit to the outside world.  Except for me, who apparently has no problem admitting it right now on my blog.  And yeah maybe that’s not the “normal” thing to do, but who wants to be normal anyway?  Not me.  Not miguel! 

And i admit this here now on “Here Comes the Money…” because while i have no problem being a phony around all of the “normal” people i see on a regular basis because i have to, it’s nice to be open and honest to all of my faithful readers on this blog.  i mean what’s the point of having my own comedy blog if i’m just going to pretend that i don’t find Jerry Sandusky jokes hilarious?  That’s literally the only reason i started writing this thing!

 

So yeah some of you might be offended by what i wrote and/or posted on this blog, but to be honest i just don’t care.  It’s not my job to worry about everyone’s feelings, i’m here to be honest and drop some knowledge on you and to try and make you all laugh.  And yeah maybe i’m usually telling lies and none of the facts i say are backed up and i’m not funny at all.  But at least i still… wait, what was the other thing i said?

The point is, that even though i wish that you were all the righteous man, and that i was the shepherd trying to protect you all from the world that was evil and selfish, that $hit ain’t the truth.  The truth is that you’re the weak, and i’m the tyranny of evil men.  But i’m trying Jewell.  i’m trying real hard to be the shepherd!  So let’s start the nonsense already! 

RANDOM NONSENSE

– There should be a special place in hell reserved for a$$holes at your job who take food out of the refrigerator that isn’t theirs.  What the f*ck is your problem, you ghetto food stealing motherf*ckers?  You’re that much of a thieving dirtbag that you need to take food that isn’t yours at work?  Because it’s not bad enough that i gotta be here 9-5 Monday through Friday every single week of my entire life, just to not be able to afford to pay any of my bills on time and/or go on a real vacation EVER.  Now i gotta deal with some f*ckhead i work with stealing my leftovers from Chili’s the night before so i have to starve the rest of the day?  Thanks man, i really appreciate it.  The only thing i would appreciate more is if i could catch you doing it.  Boy i wish i could’ve caught him doing it.  i’d have given anything to catch that a$$hole doing it.  It’d been worth him doing it, just so i could’ve caught him doing it…  

 

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Easy Peasys”

– Getting back to race, i love it how a lot of black people say “axe” instead of saying “ask.”  i gots none clue where that came from or how it started, or why it never gets corrected.  i guess it’s the same as Chinese people not being able to say the letter “L” and Mexicans not being able to stay in this country legally.  Although now i’m wondering if when black people see a commercial for “Axe” body spray if they are thinking, “Are they axing me if i wear body spray?”  Just a thought.   

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i hate those signs at Supermarkets that say “Parking for Customer with Child,” or “Reserved for Adults with Children,” or even the “Expectant mother” parking spots.  Have you guys ever seen this $hit?   That garbage drives me NUTS!  Although i will say it’s probably not for the reasons a lot of you would think i have for hating these signs.  “F those new parents!  Why do they get a special spot just because they got knocked up?  It’s not my fault you made such poor decisions in life!  Get a regular spot like the rest of us!“

Some of you may get angry at that aspect of it, but that’s not what i hate about these spots at all.  What bothers me the most is that whether you’re a woman who is expecting a new child or one who has just had a baby, you obviously have some pounds you need to work off.  So if anything, you should be parking really far away and walking as far as possible!  The exercise will help you out ladies.  For real, it’s not like you’re getting more attractive carrying around all of those extra rolls on your gut!  The long walk will do you good.  And trust me, your husbands will thank you!

Fast Food FACTS:  Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?  You have to remember they have the metric system so they don’t know what the f*ck a quarter pound is.  They call it a “Royale with Cheese.”  And no i don’t know what they call a Whopper, i didn’t go into Burger King. 

 And that’s it for me today kids! Good googily moogily was that a fantastic blog!  And i hope you all enjoyed it, and if not i don’t really care because like i said before i got some pong to play with my boys!  And i definitely won’t lose to Rob because he’s a poor pong player at best, but i might lose to Charles because he leans farther across the pong table then any other person who’s leaned before.

But whatever, it’s still gonna be a good time and i can’t wait to start partying.  So i won’t!  See you kids next week with an all new blog!

Later, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

I wanna rock right now, I’m miguel and I came to get down. I’m not internationally known, but I’m known to rock the microphone because I get stupid, I mean outrageous. Stay away from me if you’re contagious. – Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock "It Takes Two"

Cause I’m the winner, no, I’m not the loser, to be an M.C. is what I choose ‘a
Ladies love me, girls adore me. I mean even the ones who never saw me 
like the way that I rhyme at a show.  The reason why, man, I don’t know.  So let’s go, ’cause…

THE BLOG WHERE IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A THING GO RIGHT, IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE IT OUTTA SIGHT

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s barely up, and that’s your not so humble narrator miguel jose.  Man i am BEAT!  i work Sunday’s now at my new job so by Tuesday i’m already 3 days deep into work.  For real, i feel like i could use a vacation!

“Really?  A vacation you lazy basterd?  You were literally just unemployed for a little over 3 years, and now after working for only a few weeks you think you are owed a VACATION??? Who the hell do you think you are?”

Well i could be a Republican congressman!  Because with all of the horrific stuff going on in the world they’ve done a great job of passing zero laws and getting nothing done but trying to repeal Obamacare and trying to sue the President because they’re a bunch of loser cry baby racist aholes who openly don’t care about the values of the American public.  i’d be perfect for that job!

Except no, not really.  Because i actually do care about my country and i would never want to just hurt the American people because i didn’t like our black President.  Unfortunately our congress doesn’t feel that way though, nor do they even pretend to give a f*ck about doing nothing for the American people as they start their 3 month vacation.  It’s pathetic that people let them get away with this and for real i sometimes think there is no hope.  None!

But i’m too tired to get pissed off about all of that nonsense right now.  i mean i’m excited because it’s still the summer and that i love my job so i gots that going for me.  But instead of sitting and wondering why SO MANY PEOPLE are fine with Congress getting nothing done and then reelecting the same a$$holes over and over again i’d rather look at the two guys below and wonder whether or not that is an ACTUAL picture of the real Napoleon Dynamite and Pedro…

But again, despite how tired i am and how easy it would be to just take the summer off from writing my blog, it’s because of the love i have for my country and the love of my readers that i will not be taking an obnoxiously long vacation like the f*ck heads you red states elected.  i’m going to continue to bring you raw and somewhat original content every Tuesday and Friday, because i BLEED Red White and Blue out of my a$$!  Most of it is because i suffer from a rare disease that makes me $hit like that after eating White Castle.  But the other part of it is because i love America!  U S and A!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So the thing i like most about all of the “Coke” memes on the interwebs is that i can copy and paste them all on my blog and then reap the benefits of laughter that i have nothing to do with.  It kills two birds with one stone, with one bird being laziness and the other bird being me writing a funny comedy blog.  And yes i’m sure you noticed i didn’t use the words “original”comedy blog.  But yeah anyways enjoy these!

Not bad but we can do better!

Well played internet.  What’s the finale?

ANNNNNNNNNND scene!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The La La Lands”    For real, that one is GENIUS!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Never, EVER ask a girl “Are you mad at me?”  Or let me rephrase that, you should only ask a girl that if you never want to sleep with her ever.  Girls HATE insecurity more then anything.  And guys, you want to know the real reason why girls date a$$holes? Guys always think it’s because they treat the girls like $hit, which is only true in the case of Italian girls.  But girls date a$$holes because those guys are mad confident, and confidence is sexy.   So again, never, EVER, ask a girl “Are you mad at me?”  Or ignore what i’m telling you and go ahead and ask her that, i just hope that when she hates you and you end up alone last weekend pleasuring yourself in the shower crying in loneliness like this other Mexican/Domincan guy i know who has somewhat the same build as myself that you won’t blame me!

And no i’m not talking about me jerks, the guy i’m talking about is named “Manuel” Jose and he DEFINITELY does not have a new job and/or write a blog…

Fast Food Tips – So i had to try it, and i literally made a trip at 1 am on a Monday night to go to the late night Wendy’s drive thru by me and hook up one of those “Pretzel Bacon Cheeseburgers.”  And i have to say it was the MONEY.  The burger actually had a decent flavor, the cheddar and bacon with the onions and lettuce tasted sensational, and the pretzel bun was a nice warm soft pretzel that made the burger taste fantastic.  i enjoyed every second of that medium combo that i ate, but what i did not enjoy was after i was done i went into the bathroom and put my finger down my throat and puked it all up like a bulimic.  i did that because A. i didn’t want to try and go to sleep with that hugemongous meal inside me and i knew if i puked i’d feel better and B. i’m a maniac with awful eating habits and the fattest bulimic of all time.

Either way, this burger is great and since it’s for a limited time only you should probably go get one the way i did.  Just don’t let it end up the same way!  And yes i know you want to get the Pretzel Chicken Pub sandwich instead but don’t do it, the Pretzel burger is better i promise.

And that’s it for me today kids!  My bed is calling my name, and who am i to argue with my bed?  No one that’s who, so i’m gonna go hit that $hit harder then Bones Jones is gonna hit Cormier.   And regardless of whether you are cool enough to get that reference i hope you all have a great week and i’ll cya back here on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

Last night you were a dream, now you’re just you. And I am just a fool, someone you once knew. Before the night was over, after love was through. Last night you were a dream, now you’re just you – Beck "Last Night You Were a Dream"

THE BLOG ABOUT MAKING THIS LAST MONTH OF THE SUMMER COUNT!

What is up kids?

Well it’s officially August already, which means we still have one more month of summer to go!  And i know not everyone looks at things this way.  Because if you’re a negative person you’re thinking “OMFG the summer is almost over!  Where the hell did it go already??? Why is God so cruel to me?!?! FMFL!!!”  And if you’re a positive person you’re thinking, “Wait, we get another WHOLE month of summer to party and enjoy?  That is f*cking AWESOME news!”

And the latter person is the one i’m speaking to right now, because Lord knows i feel the same way.  i mean sure July went by WAY too fast, but isn’t that how life always seems to go?  The good times ALWAYS go by in the blink of an eye, and then horrifically awful and/or boring times seem to drag on FOREVER.  It’s just the way things are, and if you don’t get used to it you’re gonna do a lot of complaining in your lifetime.  But how about instead of complaining about this fact, let’s just embrace the $hit out of it and look forward to this next month.  Because the summer ain’t over yet, and it’s still time to party my friends!!!

And speaking of enjoying the rest of your summer, i got a few things you should check out if you want to make your life even that much more better.  First and foremost is Beck’s “new” album, “Song Reader” which is so f’n good i can barely stand it.  i talked about this “album” on a previous blog, but if you don’t remember Beck released this album a while back yet he never recorded or played any of the music on it.  He only released it as sheet music, which meant the only way to “listen” to his album was to either play the music yourself or to listen to someone talented enough to play the music for you.  And since i wasn’t able to do either i never had an idea of what the album really sounded like.  Until now!!

Beck has finally released an “actual” album for “Song Reader,” yet instead of him playing his own songs he got a bunch of other money artists like Jack White, Norah Jones, Jarvis Cocker and Jack Black to play it and record it instead, and he produced it and just released it this last Tuesday and it is the f*cking MONEY!  In fact, it’s so good that i’m going to bring back my Money $hout-out of the Week  and give the shout out to Beck for this masterpiece.  This album is the work of a musical genius/es, and it’s such a pleasure to listen to that it literally made my entire summer.  And don’t get me wrong, i also love his other newish album “Morning Phase,” an album which he actually plays music on.  But “Song Reader” just hits my soul in a way that i can’t explain, and if i didn’t tell you all to go out and get it and/or burn it illegally just to hear it i would feel like i’m doing the fans of me and/or of my blog a disservice, which is why i’m telling you all to go get it now!  It’s as incredible as the artists in this picture below, and if you’re cool enough to know who everyone in this picture is then my guess is you’re having a pretty awesome life so far…

The other best thing going this summer is the television show, “Wilfred” which is one of the most funny, intelligent, and insane shows i’ve ever seen.  And i don’t recommend this show highly, especially because i don’t believe most or even half of you will get it.  i’ve talked about this wacky show before, and although it’s almost impossible to explain i’ll tell you that the show is about a young guy played by Elijah Wood (Frodo from Lord of the Rings!) who tries to commit suicide by taking pills.  And when it doesn’t work he wakes up, and from that point on when he sees his neighbors dog he seems him as a man dressed up in a dog suit who can talk to him while everyone else only sees him as a regular dog.  Does that sound like a show you’d be interested in it?  If no just skip to the “Random Nonsense” already.  But if you’re answer is “yes” i cannot explain how f’n deep and dark and hilarious this show is!  It’s in it’s final season now so i probably should have hyped this up more before the show’s about to be over.  But you can catch up on the other seasons on Netflix and if you like f’d up non-mainstream comedies then this show is for you!

Here’s one last money thing before i bounce, and it also happens to be another television show.  “Hey miguel, maybe that’s why you are so fat!  All you do is watch television shows instead of doing actual comedy on your own.  Have you ever thought about that?”  Why yes, yes i have.  And while you make a good point, my argument against it is that i believe great comedy is the best thing in life, right after love and food.  And i just can’t help it if there’s so much good comedy out there that i get mesmerized by it and watch it nonstop.  i’m like that kid in “American Beauty” who looks at the floating paper bag and starts crying and goes, “It’s like there is so much beauty in this world that i can’t take it…”

 “THAT’S NOT THE ACTUAL QUOTE mIGUEL!! YOU’RE GETTING IT WRONG!!!”  C’mon, JEWELL!! i was just paraphrasing it for crying out loud!  Give me a break!  But fine, the quote is actually Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world, I feel like I can’t take it, and my heart is just going to cave in.

 Are you happy now Jewell?  i give you you’re own bit, yet you still have to call me out for getting a movie quote wrong.  But for real, i’m glad you did so.  i need to be called out and kept on my toes sometimes.  The last thing i need in my comedy career is to become complacent, so i truly appreciate you calling me out.  You expect nothing less from me then my A game and i respect that.  Well played sir!

But yeah before i end this rant i’ve got one more thing for ya, and it’s that you should all be watching the Comedy Central show, “Nathan For You.”   i would try to explain it,  but my words would not do it justice.  All i’ll say is that it is one of the funniest, most original comedies i’ve seen in a LONG time, and if you dislike stupid sitcoms like “2 and 1/2 Men” or “Big Bang Theory” (which i finally saw for the first time and thought it was UNWATCHABLE, UNFUNNY GARBAGE) then you will LOVE the show “Nathan For You” on Comedy Central!

But yeah there’s only one month left in August kids, so go make it count!  You can take my advice and listen to that album and watch these two hilarious shows, or you can go out on your own and do whatever “you” find fun, i don’t care.  All i care about is you kids having a great time, not just while reading this blog and/or on the weekends and/or summer, but in life!  So make sure you do something fun this weekend, but even if you’re not i hope this blog gives you all the happiness you need!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So before i re-posted this episode on our VHS Breakdown Facebook Page we were a few views from 1000, and my hopes were to hit 1k before the end of this weekend.  Well we’re already at 1010, and just like the radio station it felt like my situation was win/win!  Or wins/wins!  Or whatever i could possibly say to make this joke funny, which i’m obviously not smart enough to do on this bit right now because i’m not a genius.

Although speaking of geniuses, “Real Genius” is the episode that i’m talking about and for real it’s in my top five episodes that we’ve ever done.  Although before you watch it, did you all see the comment from Jewell on our FB page when i said this was my favorite Val Kilmer movie?  If you missed it he wrote: True Romance isn’t your favorite Val Kilmer movie?

And to that i drop my second,  C’mon, JEWELL!!   for this blog.  Because “True Romance” is my favorite movie with Val Kilmer in it, and “Real Genius” is my favorite Val Kilmer movie.  Got it?  Now please just give me a break for a hot second guy!  And while you’re at it get your pong game ready for next Friday!

 “OLD SCHOOL” Tips for Video Games: Someone PLEASE come up with a new name for this bit already!!!  It’s a great bit but man i hate using that stupid title every time.  But whatever, bad name or not this picture is hilarious…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So while it’s true that people who live at home with their parents don’t have to pay any rent, what people forget is that instead of money these children are instead paying with their mental sanity.  Sanity that they will most likely never get back.  And by most likely i mean they are scarred for life.   And the worst part is you barely save any money living at home, because all of the money you save on rent you spend going out to bars and drinking your face off to try and forget what lunatics your parents are.  That’s probably the reason that every time people move home for “a few months” when they are in their 20’s that it always ends up turning into them staying there way into their 30’s.  “MA! Where’s the Meatloaf?!?  F*CK!!!“

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE DOS – So i’m huge fan of porn, but i have to admit my tastes are getting a little weird these days.  i’m not sure what they call it, but what i like to do is record myself having a conversation with myself on SKYPE and then play it back and masturbate while i talk dirty to myself and then ending by giving myself a money shot to the face.  Is that weird?  No judgements please!  i just happen to get turned on my looking at my face and then giving myself my own personal Santa Claus beard with my own personal pop.  And i can do this because it’s a free country. U S A!

And that’s it for me today kids!  And it’s a good thing too because while i’m happy you are taking this time to read all of my ha ha’s you should really be out there enjoying this last month of summer!  In fact, why am i wasting time still talking to you guys?  i should be out there enjoying the summer like the rest of you should be!  So like Doug from “The State” i’m outta heeeeeeeeeeeeeere!

Cya Tuesday with an all new blog!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

When you have insomnia you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake. – Ed Norton "Fight Club"

THE BLOG ABOUT BEING TOO TIRED TO WRITE THHHIiiis blooozzzzzzzzz…

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, i’m MAAAAAD tired today.  This working stuff is crazy, being unemployed was way easier!  i think i just might be too old to work anymore, i should probably retire.  i just need someone to pay all of my bills and buy me and my girl everything we want to do and/or have.  Any takers?  i’m down for anything.  ANYTHING…

Except don’t call me a hooker!  i’m a gold digger, and there’s a difference!

Anyways, i’m mad beat as i write this but i’ll be even more tired tomorrow.  Because the real reason i’m always tired lately is because i’m having so much trouble sleeping at night.  Is there anything worse then that?  Insomnia is RIDICULOUS.  The feeling of being SO f’n tired but not being able to go to sleep is maddening.  Like for real, what the F is up with you, brain?  Just tell my body what to do!  You KNOW that i’m exhausted, just turn off already so i can sleep and recharge for my next day of work!  Why am i daydreaming about sleep when i’m exhausted i and can be normal asleep dreaming about sleep!  And how awesome was that last sentence?  And how am i supposed to get through the day???  Oh, i know, i’ll get those glasses that make me look like i’m awake when i’m really asleep.  That’s the MONEY idea!!!

Or not, i don’t know.  Maybe there’s too much going on in the world right now to get any sleep.  i mean look what’s happening over in Russia, and in the Middle East!  There’s so much turmoil, we could be at the threat of war at any minute!  Maybe that’s why i can’t get any sleep these days.  Well it’s either that or it’s the fact that i’ve done ZERO homework for any of my fantasy football leagues this season.  ZERO.  i’m doomeD!  But yeah it’s either World war or football, one of those.

But yeah whatever it is i need to get this no sleeping stuff over with now and get to the nonsense because i’m for real about to pass out.  And not the fake passing out i pretended to do when i came up with today’s title, i mean i need to be up in 4 hours so it is definitely my bedtime!  But despite all of these hardships i face i still somehow manage to provide you, the reader with free and hilarious comedy each and ever week.  And for THAT, i am a true hero!  Or maybe i’m just dreaming…

RANDOM NONSENSE

– Before i start the nonsense, is there anything that anyone would like to see me do more of on this blog?  Besides be funny i mean.  Because i know i have a decent amount of readers, but most of you cats never tell me what you like or dislike so i just kind of assume you like everything.

Although one person who asked for something was our old pal Johnny Lats, and he specifically asked for more Kate Upton.  So here ya go buddy, ask and you shall receive!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i love the idea that people believe the water cup used during beer pong does a thorough enough job of cleaning the balls. “HAHA cleaning the balls!”  Yeah yeah, we get it.  Grow up!  Although for once yes, that is what she said.

But it’s funny that a disgusting, never-changed water cup is thought of as the perfect way to clean off dirt and mud and vomit and probably worse.  And i feel like i should say something, but it seems as though everyone playing beer pong is okay with this so whatever, i’m down too.  Gotta love peer pressure!

– That was my old bit, and apparently somebody out there reads this blog because they’ve now invented “Beer Pong Wet Wipes” which you can get at WipeYourBalls.com  And no i’m not making this up!  Everyone needs to grow up.  For reals.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i saw the coolest thing EVER last week and for some reason i keep forgetting to tell you all about it.  Until now!  No joke, this thing is the GREATEST GAME EVER!  And if someone (*cough JEWELL *cough*) wants to spearhead a campaign and take up a collection from all of the readers of this blog in order to buy this game for me as a token of appreciation for all of the free comedy i give to you, well let me just say that would be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and i thank you in advance.  “But what’s the game miguel jose???” i know that’s what you’re asking, and i’m going to tell you.  Actually, i’ll show it to you first…

It’s a beer pong Arcade game!  Obviously they don’t fill the cups up with beer, you’ll have to have your own beer in hand to drink while you play.  But they set up a line you have to stand behind, and as you hit the cups it turns off the light inside so you know that cup is done and they also show it on the screen above for you as well.  And it has an automatic ball return so you never have to do anything!   Can someone just buy this for me so i could just play it forever and drink nonstop Natty lights until i throw up on the arcade game and ruin it and then kill myself please?!?!  You’d be my most best friend ever!!!

So yeah like i’ve said A MILLION TIMES i’m super duper tired.  But that doesn’t mean i’m too tired for a new bit!  This one’s called, “C’mon, Jewell!” which are just things that i think are funny that remind me of my boy Jewell.  Hopefully you find it funny too!  And if you don’t, you need to get smarter at life.

But anyways, here’s the first installment of:

C’mon, JEWELL!!

Fast Food Tips –  If the only thing you’re missing out on this summer is an explosive case of fast food diarrhea then you’re in luck!  Sonic has just released it’s “Cheesy Bacon Pretzel Hot Dog” and it’s fantastic if you love Hershey’s! No, not kisses, Hershey squirts!  In your pants!  Their website describes it as “a real beef hot dog made with 100% pure beef and topped with delicious bacon and melty cheddar cheese served in a soft, warm pretzel bun.”  i describe it as a a tasty treat that you will regret for 2 to 3 days after as you drop a soft, warm present into your toilet bowl out of your own personal pretzel buns.  You’re welcome for that image!

Great Ceasar’s ghost was that a tough blog to write!  i can’t believe i finished it, and i can’t believe how hilarious it is!   But what i can believe is that it’s bedtime, so to you i will bid good night!  Or at least cya later, because most of you are reading this during the day, probably on the toilet.  And if you’re on the toilet after eating a Sonic cheesy bacon pretzel hot dog well then you might as well go and read the past few blogs you missed because it’s going to be awhile.

But it’s not going to be awhile until my next blog, because that’ll be on Friday.  So have a great rest of the week and i’ll see you then my friends!

Cya Friday, @migueljose)85 on Twitter

In fact, its why all our ancestors originally came to this country and were themselves originally unwelcome. Because that’s the story of America. From Ben Franklin’s worry that Germans were ruining Pennsylvania, to our 19th century 60 year ban on the Chinese Immigrants who had just finished building our rail system, to our very "real and justifiable" concerns about the Irish, and their insatiable applying for jobs. We have always been a nation of immigrants who hate the newer immigrants. – Jon Stewart

THE BLOG ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS HATING ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS

What is up kids?

Speaking of kids, do all of the people SCREAMING to send back all of the “illegal” immigrants that are coming to this country realize that these are CHILDREN that we are talking about?  Children that are fleeing all of the violence and brutal atrocities that are happening in their home countries?  These aren’t adults that are sneaking into America to steal all of your jobs and use all of our resources that YOUR tax dollars pay for, although if you read up on any actual facts you would know that’s not the case either.

But these are f*cking KIDS you maniacs!  Poor, scared, innocent kids who don’t even know what’s happening to them.  There isn’t a part of you that forgets about being a Republican or Democrat for two seconds and puts politics aside to realize that these are children that are being sent here?  And forget the fact that they are being sent here to America and that you are an “American.”  It doesn’t matter that it’s people from another country trying to find safety in OUR country, these are little kids!  And they are HUMANS!  Forget being American, don’t we have the obligation as a race of humans to look out for the most vulnerable and innocent creatures out of all of us?

No, of course not.  This is OUR land and this is OUR country and if you don’t like it you can get out!  These are the same people that BEG you to adopt your pets from a shelter and not buy them from a store becasue puppies and kittens are so innocent, we need to everything we can to save them!  But whatever you do don’t send any actual human babies to America or we will kick them out immediately!  Get off of our land, go back to your country!  What do you think you are, a puppy?

i wish it didn’t make me so sick and make me feel so angry thinking about some of these uneducated, uninformed a$$holes who spread so much hate and human indecency but i gotta be honest it’s hard to take.  ESPECIALLY from people who think they are religious, because if you love God and believe in Jesus yet you think either one of them would turn away frightened kids who just want to be safe and be with their families then you are either reading the wrong Bible or have a f*cked up way and looking at faith and love.  Because the Jesus i know wouldn’t turn away anyone, and by standing in the streets to yell at buses full of scared children to go home to a violent country where they might end up being killed for no reason then you couldn’t be farther away from Jesus’ teachings if you tried.

And i know after reading this rant that it’s not going to change anyone’s mind.  If you get SO angry at the fact that innocent children are trying to find safety in America nothing that i wrote today is going to change that.  So i didn’t really write this to try and convince any of you how wrong  you are, i really wrote this because i feel sad for you.  Because in a country where the corrupt rules everything, and the rich do none of the work and pay none of the taxes while the rest of us struggle in the middle class or worse, working 40 or more hours a week if we’re lucky just to live paycheck to paycheck and pay off all of the bills that will never be fully paid off, while politicians are trying to take away the rights of women and minorities and are constantly doing things only for the lobbies that pay them and not for the people who elect them, you are choosing THIS issue to get so mad about and say something.

And if while being f*cked so badly by the people in charge that you instead need to turn your anger on children who are just looking for safety then you could not possibly be losing more at this game called life.  And when you do finally meet your maker you’re going to have a lot of trouble trying to explain yourself.  And you’re also going to have a lot of trouble beating Jesus in beer pong, because for real that man has SKILLS!  Enjoy your weekend everyone!

RANDOM NONSENSE

– So some of you will probably hate me for saying this but i do not like hammocks, AT ALL!  And i know some people love hammocks more then life itself, and nothing makes them happier then to relax on a hammock outside taking a nap on a beautiful summer day…

But i’m just too big and fat for a hammock.  And  they are so awkward to get into!  i have to just jump in like a lard ass and then start swinging around like a fat idiot. And then when i finally do get settled and try to nap i realize i forgot my cell phone inside or my drink in the kitchen or that i have to go to the bathroom, and that’s when the REAL fun starts!  Because if you are overweight and you are trying to get out of a hammock you end up looking like a beached whale who’s only option ends up being laying in the same spot on the beach and dying there.  And sure your friends might help you get out, but not before they point and laugh at you trying to do it yourself.  So enjoy your hammock skinny people!  i’ll take a nap inside on my soft queen size bed and Egyptian cotton sheets where there are way less annoying bugs biting me all over my entire fat body.

And yes that is just a picture of a fat guy and not a fat guy on a hammock but i saw this picture on Google and it made me laugh so i hope it made you laugh too!  Unless that is a picture of you of course…

– In honor of “National Tequila Day,” otherwise known as “Bad Decision Day” here is one of my favorite episodes of VHS Breakdown where we review Tim Burton’s directorial debut, “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.”  i love this episode because we finally show how dark and F’D up this movie is, and if you didn’t know Tim Burton makes a cameo in this film well then you do now!

And oh yeah, don’t forget to watch the last part after the credits where i almost killed myself doing the “Big Shoe Dance” on my kitchen counter.  i almost dropped my own personal, LATER DICKS!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Fancy Ticklers”  i honestly don’t know if any of you will realize just how genius and funny this one is.  But i do, and that’s really what’s important isn’t it?  It isn’t?  Oh well.

Fast Food Tips – 7/11 is the perfect place to make bad late night choices, but even they might have just topped themselves with their new “Doritos Loaded” line!  Apparently they are Doritos with cheese in them, which sounds like it could be money until you try them and find out they are disgusting.  If i had to say one good thing about them it would be that they are mad cheap, so you don’t have to take my word for it you can go buy some of them on your own and only be out like a $1.79 or something.  i tried them while drunk and i still thought they were horrific but don’t believe me go get some now!  And when these are firing out of your mouth and/or a$$hole i hope you will think about me then as well!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone enjoyed this masterpiece, and if you didn’t it’s probably because you hate minorities and kids.  But despite that i hope you all have a great weekend, we’re still in July and it’s supposed to be beautiful summer weather till Monday so go out and enjoy it!  And share this blog if you know what’s good for you, because it’s good luck!  Maybe not for you but it is for me!  See you kids on Tuesday!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter