There’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord, when I lay My vengeance upon you." – Jules Winfield "Pulp Fiction"

8 Aug

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s gddamn FRIDAY!!!  And not just any Friday, it’s the Friday that my college/camping buddies are coming by to hang out and play beer pong all night and eat burgers and brats and tell horrifically disturbing stories/jokes, the kind that if any regular human being heard what we were talking about they would never look at us in the same way again… 

Although now that i think about it, isn’t that how EVERYBODY is with their friends?  i mean yeah all of us “pretend” to get offended when people say something racist, or insult someone’s religion and/or faith, or even make fun of someone with some sort of a physical and/or mental disability.  But in reality, doesn’t EVERYBODY find that kind of stuff really funny deep inside? 

Now let me be clear, i am NOT racist.  However, if a black guy cuts me off on the highway in their car you can bet i am dropping the most racist slurs possible left and right.  Hell, if a Mexican lady cuts me off you can bet i’m dropping Home Depot/beans and rice lines until my throat gets sore, and i’m half Mexican! 

And forget when i’m behind the wheel, when me and my friends get together we all tell the kinds of jokes that would make our parents and colleagues disown us, because we are RUTHLESS.  Like you know how any time you hear about a famous person, like an actor or musician say something that’s not “politically” correct, and then there is some sort of HUGE controversy over it?  Not only do i never get offended by any of that nonsense, i personally say WAY worse stuff in the privacy of my own home, literally on a daily basis!
And i have to believe most of you are the same way.  i mean yeah at work and/or in public we all pretend that we’re nice, civilized people who have no f*cked up thoughts.  But in the privacy of our own homes, with people that we know and trust, we all end up acting a little bit like Donald Sterling watching his young dumb girlfriend hang out with Magic Johnson.  And no, i’m not saying that we’re all actually racist behind closed doors.  Don’t you remember me saying before that i’m not racist? i literally just said it!  All i’m saying is that when most of us are “off the record” we’re all WAY more dirty and crass and offensive then we would ever admit to the outside world.  Except for me, who apparently has no problem admitting it right now on my blog.  And yeah maybe that’s not the “normal” thing to do, but who wants to be normal anyway?  Not me.  Not miguel! 
And i admit this here now on “Here Comes the Money…” because while i have no problem being a phony around all of the “normal” people i see on a regular basis because i have to, it’s nice to be open and honest to all of my faithful readers on this blog.  i mean what’s the point of having my own comedy blog if i’m just going to pretend that i don’t find Jerry Sandusky jokes hilarious?  That’s literally the only reason i started writing this thing!
So yeah some of you might be offended by what i wrote and/or posted on this blog, but to be honest i just don’t care.  It’s not my job to worry about everyone’s feelings, i’m here to be honest and drop some knowledge on you and to try and make you all laugh.  And yeah maybe i’m usually telling lies and none of the facts i say are backed up and i’m not funny at all.  But at least i still… wait, what was the other thing i said?

The point is, that even though i wish that you were all the righteous man, and that i was the shepherd trying to protect you all from the world that was evil and selfish, that $hit ain’t the truth.  The truth is that you’re the weak, and i’m the tyranny of evil men.  But i’m trying Jewell.  i’m trying real hard to be the shepherd!  So let’s start the nonsense already! 


– There should be a special place in hell reserved for a$$holes at your job who take food out of the refrigerator that isn’t theirs.  What the f*ck is your problem, you ghetto food stealing motherf*ckers?  You’re that much of a thieving dirtbag that you need to take food that isn’t yours at work?  Because it’s not bad enough that i gotta be here 9-5 Monday through Friday every single week of my entire life, just to not be able to afford to pay any of my bills on time and/or go on a real vacation EVER.  Now i gotta deal with some f*ckhead i work with stealing my leftovers from Chili’s the night before so i have to starve the rest of the day?  Thanks man, i really appreciate it.  The only thing i would appreciate more is if i could catch you doing it.  Boy i wish i could’ve caught him doing it.  i’d have given anything to catch that a$$hole doing it.  It’d been worth him doing it, just so i could’ve caught him doing it…  
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Easy Peasys”

– Getting back to race, i love it how a lot of black people say “axe” instead of saying “ask.”  i gots none clue where that came from or how it started, or why it never gets corrected.  i guess it’s the same as Chinese people not being able to say the letter “L” and Mexicans not being able to stay in this country legally.  Although now i’m wondering if when black people see a commercial for “Axe” body spray if they are thinking, “Are they axing me if i wear body spray?”  Just a thought.   

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i hate those signs at Supermarkets that say “Parking for Customer with Child,” or “Reserved for Adults with Children,” or even the “Expectant mother” parking spots.  Have you guys ever seen this $hit?   That garbage drives me NUTS!  Although i will say it’s probably not for the reasons a lot of you would think i have for hating these signs.  “F those new parents!  Why do they get a special spot just because they got knocked up?  It’s not my fault you made such poor decisions in life!  Get a regular spot like the rest of us!

Some of you may get angry at that aspect of it, but that’s not what i hate about these spots at all.  What bothers me the most is that whether you’re a woman who is expecting a new child or one who has just had a baby, you obviously have some pounds you need to work off.  So if anything, you should be parking really far away and walking as far as possible!  The exercise will help you out ladies.  For real, it’s not like you’re getting more attractive carrying around all of those extra rolls on your gut!  The long walk will do you good.  And trust me, your husbands will thank you!

Fast Food FACTS Do you know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in France?  You have to remember they have the metric system so they don’t know what the f*ck a quarter pound is.  They call it a “Royale with Cheese.”  And no i don’t know what they call a Whopper, i didn’t go into Burger King. 
 And that’s it for me today kids! Good googily moogily was that a fantastic blog!  And i hope you all enjoyed it, and if not i don’t really care because like i said before i got some pong to play with my boys!  And i definitely won’t lose to Rob because he’s a poor pong player at best, but i might lose to Charles because he leans farther across the pong table then any other person who’s leaned before.
But whatever, it’s still gonna be a good time and i can’t wait to start partying.  So i won’t!  See you kids next week with an all new blog!


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