I’ll fake it through the day with some help from Johnnie Walker Red. Send the poison rain down the drain to put bad thoughts in my head. Two tickets torn in half and a lot of nothing to do. Do you miss me, Miss Misery, like you say you do? – Elliot Smith "Miss Misery"

12 Aug


What is up kids?

At the moment it’s me but i can’t lie my friends, i am TIRED as i write this.  i’m also super hilarious and sexy, but all the same i am BEAT right now.  Although if i’m being honest, isn’t this the same way i start off EVERY blog these days now that i’m working again?  Hopefully i’m not being a broken record on these rants.

Well if by “broken record” you mean you’re consistently being not funny on your blog day in and day out, and that all you do is cry about working like a little pu$$y even though you’ve only had a job for 2 1/2 weeks well then you just might be the broken record of the movie soundtrack for “Groundhog’s Day!” In fact,  isn’t your name Ned?  Ryerson?  Needle nose Ned!”

Yeah, yeah, so i’m a crybaby these days.  i’m getting older and i’m tired all the time and i’m turning into a whiny, complainy bitch boy with sand in his vagina.  Are you happy now?  i can’t help it!  My birthday is a week from today and to be honest i can’t say that i’m the biggest fan of it coming up.  i mean don’t any of you realize just how creepy it would be for me to be dating any 18 year old right now?  It’s finally getting kinda weird!  “Oh really, an 18 year old?  What was his name?”  C’mon, JEWELL!!

Anyways, i’m just kidding about being depressed.   i’m a huge fan of my birthday, and i don’t really care about getting older.  i mean yeah i’m not the young buck i once was, and yeah maybe my hangovers last 3 or 4 days now and i can’t drink and party like i used to, and no one seems to be impressed when i drink so much that i get angry and black out anymore.  And yeah i’m definitely not getting any skinnier, and the wrinkles in my face and around my eyes are much more pronounced these days, and i find grey hairs in my beard when i shave and the hairs on my forehead seem to be leaving town quicker then an uneducated moron runs to a Sarah Palin rally.

Sure you can win, idiot.  But yeah it definitely doesn’t bother me to be getting older.  Why should it?  i feel lucky enough just to be able to enjoy another birthday.  i mean honestly, if you don’t realize every day on this planet is a gift then you should probably get your priorities straight in your life.  It’s a MIRACLE that we’re even here!  And i don’t even mean just being alive, i mean being lucky enough to be born in America, at a time where the world is connected through the interwebs and we have 1000’s of channel on our T.V. and have every single song we could ever want to listen to on our phones!  We literally live in the best possible time in our short history, so why would you ever be sad about getting to enjoy another birthday?  This ride doesn’t last forever kids, so i say enjoy it for as much and as long as you can!

“Really?  Is that what you say miguel?  Because i’m pretty sure there are like a million other people who ever said this a million times before.  You’re not saying anything new you unoriginal hack!”  

No, i definitely didn’t make up that saying, or that “mantra” if you will.  But that doesn’t make it any less true, and it doesn’t mean that people don’t need to be reminded about that time and again.  See i write this blog because i’m an attention needing whore bag, and if telling jokes and stealing memes from the interwebs gets that attention for me so be it.  But i also write this blog to remind you all just how silly all of this is, and how crazy we are to take anything in this life too seriously.  i mean yeah we can hate our jobs, or feel heart broken about a lost love, or even a relative that we miss.  And we can get mad at how awful everything is in this world from the constant wars we seem to be in and the hatred that people feel towards gays and minorities or even towards people who like a different sports team then they do.

Yeah we can all do and feel all of that. Or we can just sit back, enjoy the ride of being alive and just laugh at the nonsense.  Which isn’t possible to do all the time, but at least you can do it for a little while here twice a week every Tuesday and Friday on “Here Comes the Money…”  And you can also fill my insatiable ego as well!  It’s win win for everyone!


– So can i just donate money for ALS without dumping ice cold water on my dome?  Is that possible?  Why do people always have to do such wacky $hit in order for people to donate money towards a cause?  Personally i rarely donate to anything because i’ve got zero funds in my pocket.  Having no job for 4 years will do that to you.  But whether it’s running a 5k where people throw paint on you, or filming dumping yourself pouring ice on your head to get people to donate i feel like it’s kind of a sad state that the only way people will help each other is if you get to wear a yellow rubber band around your wrist in order to raise money for a cause like cancer.  Although now that i think about it that steroid using bike rider raised a TON of money to support cancer so i guess all this nonsense can’t be too bad.  Have fun with your ice baths you psychos!

mIGUEL’S MONEY MOVIE REVIEW!! –  So while i don’t really get that hurt up about celebrities dying that i’ve never even met, it’s still a sad thing to me when a fellow human being loses his or her life in this world.  So i will say that if i had to pick my favorite Robin Williams movie i would have to pick “Jumanji.”  And yeah i know the quote i used from Elliot Smith to start off this blog came from the movie “Good Will Hunting” and of course Jewell was thinking that’s what i would pick as my favorite Williams movie.  C’mon, JEWELL!!

But i actually dig Jumanji better, despite the fact that i know G Will Hunting was the better movie.  For some reason i remember being home one day and the movie coming on HBO or something and i just happened to catch it, and i was literally hooked from the first scene till the end of the film.  i remember thinking that it was pretty good for a kids movie, because it was actually kind of ruthless and scary and that it probably wasn’t for really young kids.  But it’s definitely a movie worth watching and if it’s ever on you should check it out, because it’s pretty entertaining and it’s a enjoyable fun ride that the whole family will enjoy!

And i also love this movie because Hitler would have probably hated it.  He would have wanted to take the “Jew” out of Jumanji that’s for sure!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Did you ever notice how much girls love the Disney movie “Aladdin”.  “OMG miguel i love that movie!” Yeah yeah, i know.  And good, you should love that movie.  And the real reason i’m glad girls love that movie so much is because if you’re a girl and you love “Aladdin” what you are basically saying is that you are a fan of the idea of banging a dirty, thieving minority just to make your parents mad.

Because that’s all the movie is really about, isn’t it?  Forget the whole genie and other nonsense, this movie was about a girl who loved a dirtbag who her parents hated.  And i dig that whole concept BAD.  Because let’s be honest, most white girls know their parents wouldn’t be happy if they brought home some illegal, brown skinned thief, especially when they are from a well to do family in the nice part of town.  But that’s why deep down, all you ladies have those secret feelings of having wild crazy sex with a dirty, filthy minority, and the fact that he’s not good for you and the fact that he’s poor, and the fact that your parents would go nuts if they ever found out only makes it hotter.  So keep enjoying the movie “Aladdin” my female friends! Trust me, the message you are trying to send out is getting to me loud and clear. And for the record i look great in a vest, and you can pet my monkey all you want!

Fast Food Tips –  i’m a big fan of McDonalds, which is probably easy to tell by looking as my vast waistline.  But if there is one downfall from going there, it’s the downfall of diarrhea that comes from my butt cheeks after eating anything on their menu.  The only thing i could think of that’s worse then that would be if that downfall also came with a burning sensation, which is why i’m staying clear from McDonald’s brand new “Jalapeno Double” which is available for $2.  A fitting price, considering that won’t be the only time you’re dropping the number “2.”  
Their site describes it as “two mouth watering 100% beef patties topped with both crispy and sliced jalapenos, white cheddar gooey goodness, and our classic ranch sauce.”  And besides “gooey goodness” being my nickname in college, i would also describe this sandwich as a “painful anus delight that is sure to rock your stomach as well as you’re toilet bowl.”  But like i said before it’s only 2 beans, and sometimes you gotta eat cheap not smart.  So if you get one or two of them i won’t blame you!  
And that’s it for me today kids!  i need to go to bed ASAP so i’m gonna make this short and sweet, which was the exact opposite of the bathroom trip i made after eating a Jalapeno Double.
But i hope you have a great week, and i’ll see you kids on Friday for the last time before i turn another year older!  God help us all!!! But especially me.  

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