When you have insomnia you’re never really asleep, and you’re never really awake. – Ed Norton "Fight Club"

29 Jul

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, i’m MAAAAAD tired today.  This working stuff is crazy, being unemployed was way easier!  i think i just might be too old to work anymore, i should probably retire.  i just need someone to pay all of my bills and buy me and my girl everything we want to do and/or have.  Any takers?  i’m down for anything.  ANYTHING…

Except don’t call me a hooker!  i’m a gold digger, and there’s a difference!

Anyways, i’m mad beat as i write this but i’ll be even more tired tomorrow.  Because the real reason i’m always tired lately is because i’m having so much trouble sleeping at night.  Is there anything worse then that?  Insomnia is RIDICULOUS.  The feeling of being SO f’n tired but not being able to go to sleep is maddening.  Like for real, what the F is up with you, brain?  Just tell my body what to do!  You KNOW that i’m exhausted, just turn off already so i can sleep and recharge for my next day of work!  Why am i daydreaming about sleep when i’m exhausted i and can be normal asleep dreaming about sleep!  And how awesome was that last sentence?  And how am i supposed to get through the day???  Oh, i know, i’ll get those glasses that make me look like i’m awake when i’m really asleep.  That’s the MONEY idea!!!

Or not, i don’t know.  Maybe there’s too much going on in the world right now to get any sleep.  i mean look what’s happening over in Russia, and in the Middle East!  There’s so much turmoil, we could be at the threat of war at any minute!  Maybe that’s why i can’t get any sleep these days.  Well it’s either that or it’s the fact that i’ve done ZERO homework for any of my fantasy football leagues this season.  ZERO.  i’m doomeD!  But yeah it’s either World war or football, one of those.

But yeah whatever it is i need to get this no sleeping stuff over with now and get to the nonsense because i’m for real about to pass out.  And not the fake passing out i pretended to do when i came up with today’s title, i mean i need to be up in 4 hours so it is definitely my bedtime!  But despite all of these hardships i face i still somehow manage to provide you, the reader with free and hilarious comedy each and ever week.  And for THAT, i am a true hero!  Or maybe i’m just dreaming…

– Before i start the nonsense, is there anything that anyone would like to see me do more of on this blog?  Besides be funny i mean.  Because i know i have a decent amount of readers, but most of you cats never tell me what you like or dislike so i just kind of assume you like everything.

Although one person who asked for something was our old pal Johnny Lats, and he specifically asked for more Kate Upton.  So here ya go buddy, ask and you shall receive!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i love the idea that people believe the water cup used during beer pong does a thorough enough job of cleaning the balls. “HAHA cleaning the balls!”  Yeah yeah, we get it.  Grow up!  Although for once yes, that is what she said.

But it’s funny that a disgusting, never-changed water cup is thought of as the perfect way to clean off dirt and mud and vomit and probably worse.  And i feel like i should say something, but it seems as though everyone playing beer pong is okay with this so whatever, i’m down too.  Gotta love peer pressure!

– That was my old bit, and apparently somebody out there reads this blog because they’ve now invented “Beer Pong Wet Wipes” which you can get at WipeYourBalls.com  And no i’m not making this up!  Everyone needs to grow up.  For reals.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i saw the coolest thing EVER last week and for some reason i keep forgetting to tell you all about it.  Until now!  No joke, this thing is the GREATEST GAME EVER!  And if someone (*cough JEWELL *cough*) wants to spearhead a campaign and take up a collection from all of the readers of this blog in order to buy this game for me as a token of appreciation for all of the free comedy i give to you, well let me just say that would be the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me and i thank you in advance.  “But what’s the game miguel jose???” i know that’s what you’re asking, and i’m going to tell you.  Actually, i’ll show it to you first…

It’s a beer pong Arcade game!  Obviously they don’t fill the cups up with beer, you’ll have to have your own beer in hand to drink while you play.  But they set up a line you have to stand behind, and as you hit the cups it turns off the light inside so you know that cup is done and they also show it on the screen above for you as well.  And it has an automatic ball return so you never have to do anything!   Can someone just buy this for me so i could just play it forever and drink nonstop Natty lights until i throw up on the arcade game and ruin it and then kill myself please?!?!  You’d be my most best friend ever!!!

So yeah like i’ve said A MILLION TIMES i’m super duper tired.  But that doesn’t mean i’m too tired for a new bit!  This one’s called, “C’mon, Jewell!” which are just things that i think are funny that remind me of my boy Jewell.  Hopefully you find it funny too!  And if you don’t, you need to get smarter at life.

But anyways, here’s the first installment of:

C’mon, JEWELL!!

Fast Food Tips –  If the only thing you’re missing out on this summer is an explosive case of fast food diarrhea then you’re in luck!  Sonic has just released it’s “Cheesy Bacon Pretzel Hot Dog” and it’s fantastic if you love Hershey’s! No, not kisses, Hershey squirts!  In your pants!  Their website describes it as “a real beef hot dog made with 100% pure beef and topped with delicious bacon and melty cheddar cheese served in a soft, warm pretzel bun.”  i describe it as a a tasty treat that you will regret for 2 to 3 days after as you drop a soft, warm present into your toilet bowl out of your own personal pretzel buns.  You’re welcome for that image!

Great Ceasar’s ghost was that a tough blog to write!  i can’t believe i finished it, and i can’t believe how hilarious it is!   But what i can believe is that it’s bedtime, so to you i will bid good night!  Or at least cya later, because most of you are reading this during the day, probably on the toilet.  And if you’re on the toilet after eating a Sonic cheesy bacon pretzel hot dog well then you might as well go and read the past few blogs you missed because it’s going to be awhile.
But it’s not going to be awhile until my next blog, because that’ll be on Friday.  So have a great rest of the week and i’ll see you then my friends!

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