Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart. No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet, death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, and that is how it should be, because death is very likely the single best invention of life. It’s life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. – Steve Jobs

22 Aug

What is up kids?

Hey A$$hole, don’t give us “What is up kids?“!?!”  Where the f*ck were you on Tuesday with an all new blog?  You never even told us you were taking off!”  Why no, no i didn’t.  And for that i do apologize to my faithful readers, because after over 3 1/2 years of writing these over 325 blogs i finally got ghetto and just didn’t put one up.  But it wasn’t my fault!  i had started my birthday blog and had planned to have it ready, but then i ran into some computer issues and unfortunately i wasn’t able to post it on Tuesday. But i hope you can forgive me! Plus  i was too busy partying on my birthday to post a new blog!

Whoo hoo birthday boy!”  Yeah yeah Tuesday was my birthday.  Whoever took the under on whether i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don’t blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor…

Hey, wait a minute.  That’s the joke i started off my blog with the only time i posted a blog on my actual birthday back in 2011.  And while i’m a big fan of reusing my old material i think my loyal readers deserve a brand new opening for this brand new birthday blog!  So here goes…

What is up kids?

Well i can tell you one thing that’s up, and that’s me in age.  And that’s because today’s my birthday!

Whoo hoo birthday boy!  Now you’re not just fat, you’re fat AND old!  And unfunny!  i mean really, “up in age?”  Did you really think we’d let you get off with such a lame joke just because it’s your birthday?”  Why yes, yes i did.  But the fact that you expect more from me even in my advanced years makes me feel good.  In fact, it makes me feel great!  Because it’s a beautiful day to be alive my friends, and what’s better then spending my birthday with my family and my girl and my friends?  Nothing, that’s what.  Days like this is what’s life is all about, and i’m going to enjoy every second of it!  Even the hours that i’m spending at work today!

Yup, you heard me right. i’m actually at work on my birthday.  Which is really a rookie mistake to make, because who wants to be at work on their birthday?  Psychos, that’s who.   Although a veteran will tell you that you should never take off from work on the day of your birthday.  You take the day AFTER off so you can go to work, get all the birthday attention showered on you that you deserve, and then party all night and spend the day after your birthday recovering!  Although since i didn’t take the day after my birthday off either i really am straight up BLOWING it this year.  Next thing you know i won’t even get to post this blog today!  Which is kind of sad, because you would figure after being on this planet for 52 years i would finally start to figure out SOMETHING…

But no i haven’t learned a thing, and apparently i’m know smarter then i was when i first popped into this world kicking and streaming.  Although i’m not really sure if i was brought in kicking and screaming on my first birthday.  i mean my memory of that day is foggy at best.  i remember there being a lot of light, and me being covered in blood and goo and there were a lot of people staring at me in masks.  Which is funny, because that is LITERALLY the exact same way i celebrated my birthday party last Saturday night, completely covered in goo!

But that was last weekend, and now my birthday suit has been rinsed and scrubbed and i’m smelling great and feeling fresh!   And i know what you’re thinking, and you’re welcome for me putting this image in your head!  Although speaking of keeping things fresh, since it is my birthday and i believe that i’ve earned the right to post a blog late AND be lazy and post old stuff, i’m going to leave you off with a rant i wrote for another birthday blog.  It’s one that still makes me laugh, so hopefully it does for you too.  And if it doesn’t oh well, just pretend it does and it can be one last birthday present for me!  Thanks so much everyone!

What is up kids?

Blog 149 and i’m feeling fine… plus it’s my birthday weekend!  Alright fine who am i kidding, it’s my birthday month and i haven’t stopped partying once!  Because i’ll be honest my friends, i am a HUGE fan of my birthday.  i mean don’t get me wrong, yeah i’m getting kind of sick of this whole getting older thing.  But whatever, sleeping with an 18 year old girl is legal in this country whether i am 24 or i’m 54.  So who cares how old i’m getting?  i follow the laws of this country, of AMERICA.  And if banging an 18 year old teen is legal, and as long as i obey the laws of this great nation i consider myself a patriot and a great American.  US and A!  US and A!  US and A!


– If there’s one thing i dig about getting older it’s not having to do my laundry at a laundromat anymore.  Isn’t that the WORST??? i actually have less respect for people who have never had to do their laundry at a laundromat, because they don’t know the struggle the rest of us have had to deal with.  Like for example, the fact that every Laundromat is THE SHADIEST PLACE ON EARTH! 

There are always nothing but the ugliest and creepiest people ever around, you always put your laundry in and then leave and when you come back there are no dryers available, and you’re always pretty sure someone tries on your underwear when you’re not around.  And i don’t mean after it’s clean!  And of course these machines don’t take debit cards and you have to go looking for quarters like you’re a teenager in the 80’s playing video games.  And the best thing is when you’re finally done and get home and then you realize you forgot to empty your hamper and now you have to go back again.  But yeah getting old sucks my balleens but never having to go to the laundromat is the moneyest thing ever!  Although can anyone explain to me why it’s spelled laundromat and not “laundrymat?” i just can’t figure it out…

So besides reading my blog and letting me get away with not posting on on Tuesday, and also letting me reuse a ton of old material for today’s blog i do want to ask you all for ONE more present.  And that’s to watch the Season Finale of “VHS Breakdown” Season One, “Revenge of the Nerds” one more time! This episode has WAY less views then it should, especially considering it’s one of the most EPIC shows we’ve ever done.  It’s one of my favorite movies ever, we literally wrap up our entire first season in amazing fashion and the ending is so touching that i literally shed a tear every time i watch it.  Now if i could only shed some pounds as well my life would be perfect!

“Facebook Etiquette”-

– i know i’ve mentioned it one or 85 times or so but in case you didn’t know FXX is now showing a marathon of every, Simpsons, EVER!!!

If you don’t think i’m going to try and spend every possibly second watching as much of this marathon that i can then you are insane in the old membrane because i f’n LOVE the Simpsons.  In fact, if we had only one thing that we could send future generations to show them how amazingly funny and smart and gifted we were as a human race i would send them a copy of this marathon and that’s it.  And don’t give me that $hit about this show not being funny after the 4th season.  i’d put seasons 5-12 against ANY other shows and it’d be right in the conversation of funniest show ever, no contest!  And if you don’t agree with me on this that’s fine, because opinions are like a$$holes and if you don’t think the Simpsons are the moneyest show ever then you’re an a$$hole!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! The Jack A Ninnies

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Speaking of birthdays, while i do love my birthday and all, and while i personally have my birthday “month” where i basically do whatever i want all of August, i absolutely HATE surprise parties.  Not because i hate parties, but because the idea of a “surprise” party is so f*cked up!!  So let me get this straight, ALL of my closest friends and even my family members are going to get together and go behind my back so they can come up with some HUGE lie that they are going to tell me right to my face???  i’ll tell you right now, i am NOT comfortable with that knowledge!!  
And who’s the one who throws these surprise parties? It’s always your best friend or your girlfriend or brother or your wife or sister or mother, whoever is closest to you in this life and has your most trust.  Because yeah that’s awesome, it’s good to know that i would actually take a bullet for you and there are secrets i know about you that i would take to my grave.  But you on the other hand, have NO PROBLEM gathering everyone i know behind my back in order to come up with a huge conspiracy of lies just to get me to show up at a random restaurant on a Friday night.  i’m tired of the lies, i’m tired of not being able to trust those closest to me, and i’m gddamn tired of surprise parties!!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Thanks to everyone for all of your birthday wishes, and thanks for forgiving me for being too lazy to post a new blog on my birthday and still coming back to read me today.  i had one of the best birthdays ever, and i have to thank my parents and my sister Rachael (who’s birthday is tomorrow!) and my friends who came to my party and most importantly my girlfriend who did everything to make sure i had the best day.  i’ve definitely got this getting older thing down now, so once i get the getting wiser part as well my life will be perfect.  But until then i’ll just keep writing blogs until i get there i guess.  Starting with this one and the one i will put out this Tuesday.  i promise!

Cya on Tuesday, for reals this time! @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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