I am not going to make any commitments to the teachers union to do anything until they do something that’s other than in their own self- interest. And everything they have done so far is in their self-interests, and that’s it. – Governor Chris Christie

ANOTHER BLOG ABOUT TEACHERS  

What is up kids?

Oh that’s right Jewell, i started a Friday the 13th blog with Rebecca Black AND Jason.  How many other bloggers are cool and/or funny enough to do that?? i’m guessing hundreds, tops.

Anywas, holy S BALLS has it been hot out lately!!  Although i blame myself, mostly because on Tuesday i literally just wrote a blog about the summer being over.  And once i wrote that what does your so-called “God” do next?  He sends a heat wave to remind you that he does what he WANTS!  And also to punish all of the teachers who work in classrooms that don’t have air conditioning.  Which is most of them because we live in a country of lunatics who think teachers or kids can get anything done in this extreme heat.

Although you know who does have air conditioning?  The principal and everyone else that works in the office.  As well as New Jersey’s fat ass governor who HATES teachers.  And i’m guessing they all work in air conditioning because they know it’s too hot to work inside without it.  So my question is, how do these ahole administrators get away with leaving the rest of the school in these ridiculous hot conditions???

i’ll tell you how, because no one gives a $hit about teachers.  Obviously they don’t, i mean how can teachers not have air conditioning?!?!?!  And how do parents let their kids go to classrooms that don’t have air conditioning???  i get that the people in charge and especially the parents don’t give a f*ck about the teachers.  But what about all of these precious moms who put up a million pictures of their child’s first day at school?  Don’t they care the least bit about the fact that they are sending their kids to sit in an oven all day?   i completely understand that parents blame teachers for everything when their kid is a gddamn moron, and then if their child gets good grades they take all the credit.  i get that parents think this way about life even though it’s complete bull$hit.  But i say again, if they care about their children so much, how come they let them go to class in rooms that aren’t air conditioned?

Honestly, i feel like working in these hot class rooms is a torture and punishment i would only wish on my worst enemies.  Although that makes sense, because if you are Governor Christie then i guess that’s how you feel about teachers.   But for real, my favorite fact about the entire point i’m trying to make right now is that most of the main offices in these schools DO have air conditioning.  So the secretaries, the Principal, the Vice Principal, and basically ANYONE who has nothing to do with actually teaching your children directly are the ones who get to enjoy air conditioning.

Although i say “enjoy” like it is a bonus to work in human temperatures and not a God given right.  How come people aren’t up in arms about this cause in this country?  We have all of these gun lovers who are willing fight for gun rights because it’s their right in the Constitution!!  But how about fighting for the rights for teachers and students to work and learn in a comfortable environment?  Why don’t you fight for that?!?!  Oh, because you can’t kill anyone with air conditioning, got it…

Anyways, if you are a teacher and you have to work in a sweltering room all day with these lunatic kids i commend you.  You teach and raise our children from the time they turn 4 till they get out of college, and this country would be nothing without you.  It breaks my heart to see how schools are run by people in tower who know nothing about teaching, only to see all of your funds for your classroom get cut and all of your hours get increased while your pay stays the same or gets lower. But for some reason you people teach anyway which makes you heroes in my eyes.

Although i know the reason that you teach, you teach because you HAVE to.  Which is pretty much the same reason i write this blog.  i could give this up whenever i wanted to, it’s not like i get paid to do this (yet).  But i do it because i love writing and it’s what i love to do, the same way you teachers have to teach because it’s your calling and you couldn’t imagine doing anything else.  And i know it’s all of the other stuff that makes you hate your job like the administration, a $hitty governor, annoying kids and even worse parents.  But you still do it anyway, and you do it in a non-air conditioned room and you do it with little or no praise.

So i’d just like to thank you all again for everything you do.  Hopefully one day this country will realize how important teachers are instead of CONSTANTLY trying to cut funds for anything that has to do with education.  But even if that day never happens please know there are a bunch of us out there that do appreciate you.  You, the sweaty, heat exhausted teachers who make our country great!!

RANDOM NONSENSE

-So some of you might be asking why i have never thought about becoming a teacher.  And the truth is i have thought about it, and almost even pursued it once.  But my main problem is i could never teach K through 5, because i have no patience for little kids and apparently you’re not allowed to yell and scream at them when they annoy you.  But i also can’t teach high school or college, because the longer i was around girls pushing the legal age limit of 18 the higher chance i would go to jail for the rest of my life.  You wouldn’t make a Diabetic person work in Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory would you???

-Speaking of Willies, this next joke was posted on Facebook by one of my favorite gays, George Takei.  Do all of you know who he is?  Well besides being on the original “Star Trek”he is also one of Hollywood’s most outspoken and hilarious gay men.  He posts the funniest and best stuff on the Interwebs, and if you haven’t yet you should like his Facebook page and his Twitter.  In fact, once you get the joke below you are free to go to so.  But my guess is it’ll take you a few minutes to get it…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Whenever i see someone on the road who has been pulled over by a cop, i always slow down to check just so i can see what race the person is.  If it’s a black guy or any minority i always just assume that the cop is racist, and whenever (the few times that it happens) it is a white person who got pulled over i can honestly say i’m kinda happy about it.  Does that make me racist?  i don’t think so.  i’m not saying that i’m rooting for white people to get pulled over, i’m just saying if i happen to see someone pulled over and it’s going to have to be somebody, i am just hoping that somebody ends up being a white person.  And oh yeah i also root for white people to get pulled over.  Alright fine i’m racist.  But i’m not homophobic!!

Fast Food Tips – Taco Bell has just released a new Doritos Locos Taco that is sure to leave your buttcheeks a fiery disaster.  i’m speaking of course, of the new “Fiery” Doritos Tacos from Taco Bell.  My guess is that most customers were raving about how much they loved the new Doritos tacos, but those raves quickly turned to complaints when people were taking deuces that were not destroying their insides.  And once again doing whatever they could do for the people of this country, Taco Bell decided to answer the masses cry for a Taco that would burn through your colon like the burning heat that comes from these non-airconditioned classrooms that we force our teachers to work in.  See how i tied in burning diarrhea to the hot classrooms i was talking about earlier?  You can say it, i’m a genius.

And that’s it for me today kids.  i hope everyone has a great weekend, but more importantly i hope i win all of my fantasies game this week becasue if i don’t i will kill someone.

But enjoy your weekend, if you enjoy this blog please share it with a friend or 12, and i’ll see you guys back here on Tuesday with all new comedy!!

Cya, @migueljose_85   Follow me on Twitter already!!!

America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. – Dennis Miller

THE “DON’T WORRY THE SUMMER’S NOT OVER YET!!!” BLOG

What is up kids?

So is it me or is July the FASTEST GDDAMN MONTH OF ALL TIME!!  How is it July 23rd already?? i feel like it was only yesterday that i was walking out of school for the last time with nothing but an entire summer to look forward too.  Now there are “Back to School” sales all over the television and before you know it the leaves will be on the ground and you’ll be complaining that it’s getting cold out and how this year we HAVE to buy a snowmobile because there is no way i’m shoveling all that snow by myself again!!

Actually wait, hold up a second.  It’s still July everyone!  Please calm down if you’re already dreading the summer being over because we still have a long way to go!   i know it seems like the summer flies by, but if that’s the case you’d better make sure you’re drinking and partying and hitting up the beach and going to as many BBQ’s as you can because you don’t want to regret missing out on one second of this amazing summer!!

Although that being said, it’s been too gddamn hot to do ANYTHING lately.  These last couple of days haven’t been MURDEROUS but last week was a gddamn killer.  How can any of you do stuff in this heat?  Maybe it’s because i myself am a large man, but i do NOT deal with this heat well AT ALL.  i don’t even want to go to the beach, i just want to sit in my room and enjoy the greatest invention by Mankind, the air conditioner.  And we should probably change the term Mankind to “Humankind” by now.  But whatever, those silly broads will never even realize what we’re saying so who cares, us guys will never change it!  Way to go Mankind!

Now here is the point on my blog where i have to explain that i don’t really feel that way about women.  And that the reason i make those kinds of jokes is because i’m impersonating the type of ignorant ahole that truly feels that way.  But i feel like if you’re one of my readers you should understand that without me saying it by now, so i won’t bother explaining myself when i make those kinds of jokes in the future.  Not all the time anyways, i understand that sarcasm can be hard to understand over the Interwebs sometimes.  But i’ll never be the kind of guy who apologizes for something he’s said unless i TRULY believe i’m wrong.  And if you know what a smart a$$ know-it-all i really am then you know that’s probably never going to happen.

Speaking of know-it-alls, i TOTALLY erased an entire blog that i was about to post last week.  No joke, i literally finished and proofread the entire thing but when i went to post it something f’d up and i lost it ALL.  Although i have to say i wasn’t as mad as you would think.  “Probably because your blog isn’t funny or good anyway, so what would be the big loss?”  Well true that’s part of it, but i’ve also just been in a fantastic mood lately so whatever what can you do i guess.  And oh yeah lick my sweaty sack you mean spirited ahole.

But we’re getting close to the end of the month so everyone better be ready to squeeze as much joy from this last part of summer as you can!  We still have all of August left, but as everyone knows that is the month for Fantasy Football drafts as well as my birthday so our time is limited.

So let’s not let the summer end yet!  We still have a week left in July and the ENTIRE month of August to party our gddamn nutbags off.  So let’s make sure we take advantage of the time we have!  And by take advantage i mean spend all day drinking in the sun, laying in a raft in pool until we order a meat lovers pizza late at night and then throw it up everywhere and then be in a ton of pain due to sun and food poisoning and then wake up and do the same thing the next day.  Ah, summer…

RANDOM NONSENSE

-Hey did you hear that “news” story about how unconvicted killer George Zimmerman helped some family that was in an overturned car?  i didn’t bother reading the story because who cares but i’m sure when he’s at the Gates and Peter is going over George’s “Pros and Cons” he’ll most likely let old Georgie porgie into heaven considering that helping people who were in a car accident and shooting an unarmed teenager and ending his life about even themselves out.  It’s too bad we already have Pope Francis because i’m pretty sure “Pope Zimmerman” would have sounded just as good!  Or at least i would have believed in his authority about as much.

-Congrats to my talented friend Jim Kohl who got married this past weekend!  Besides being the artist at HAPPY HOUR COMIC and THE BREWERY, he’s also a pretty good guy and i wish him all the best.  Jim was nice enough to do the “VHS Breakdown” logo for me, and he was also the first one to get me to try stand up comedy at an open mic for my first time, something that i will always be in debt to him for.  But his girl Chrissy is the money, and i wish nothing but the best for the two lovebirds.  Well that and for him to invite me over to use his gddamn pool once in awhile.  C’mon guy, it’s crazy hot out and i live right by you, hook me up sucka!

So if you don’t know by now i’m a HUGE fan of Joe Rogan.  i mean “Fear Factor” was okay but he’s definitely the best commentator on UFC and he’s also an incredibly talented stand up comic.  But my favorite thing that he does is his podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience” which is by far the greatest podcast out there that everyone should be listening to.  He’s a ridiculously intelligent guy, but more than that he is constantly looking for knowledge and the truth, and in addition he refuses to just accept answers without doing enough research to be satisfied with the solutions.  

That being said, he has a new show on SYFY that premiers tomorrow called “Joe Rogan Questions Everything,” and you will all be better people if you decide to check it out.  Forget whatever opinion you have of him, just watch this show and make it popular because even without seeing it i can tell you that it is going to be the f’n MONEY.  And there’s nothing on Wednesday nights anyway so there’s zero excuse to not watch it so you’d better f’n at least DVR that piece!!

Oh and for those of you who think i’m just telling you to watch it because me and Rogan are BFF’s well you may have a point…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i throw a decent amount of parties, or at least i did when i used to have friends.  But i must say the all-time WORST question that i constantly get is “So who’s going to the party?”  EVERYONE asks that question, and i guess i don’t blame them.  i mean it’s a decent enough question to ask because of course you want to know who’s going.  But no one ever stops to think that the person getting asked that question has to answer it EVERY F’N TIME.  And do you realize i have to literally sit there and list every gddamn name of every single person going?  It’s so f’n annoying, and who do you really expect is gonna be there? It’s always the same bunch of a$$holes it always is.  Do you really think if someone crazy was showing up i wouldn’t bother mentioning it to you?  “So who’s coming to the party?”  Well Tom will be there, Steve, Erin, and oh yeah Kanye West, Kim Kardashian and Mark Zuckerberg are gonna be there!  “REALLY?!?!?” No  not really jerk0ff, it’s just me and my dumbass friends.  Stop worrying so much about who’s gonna be there and and just be glad there’s a party and come ready to have a good time for crying out loud.  Oh and if you’re a dude bring beer, you’re lucky i invited your non-bringing any girls ass in the first place.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Jim Jam Jooblies”  Extra points to ANYONE who gets that reference which will be none of you.

“Facebook Etiquette”- i think waiting for a girl to friend you first on FB is the new waiting two days before calling a girl after you get her number.  Why be like every other ahole guy sending friend requests all day when you can just be cool and lay back and wait for her to friend you?  “OMG FRIEND REQUEST ME!!!” is the same as calling her the same night that she gave you her number.  Play it cool for once son, be patient.  Like Kenny Powers said, “Make em wait, it’s good for them.”

Fast Food Tips –So today is “National Hot Dog Day,” and i for one am FURIOUS that people don’t get off from work for this holiday.  There is literally nothing more American then jamming a soft bun filled with hot beef down your throat, and i blame Obama and the Liberals for making us have to work on such a patriotic holiday.

But one company that does love this country is Sonic, because besides having the best breakfast burritos you can get, and besides the fact that you can buy breakfast at ANY TIME, they are also selling $1 hot dogs in honor of National Hot dog day.  My advice to you is to get a crisp 10 dollar bill, by 10 one dollar dogs and eat each one of them while sitting on the toilet and listening to the National Anthem.  Oh and feel free to chime in with your butthole when you reach “the bombs bursting in air” part.  This experience will definitely have you saying “God Bless America!”  Unless you are Marc Anthony, because then inbred white trash racist f*cks won’t think it’s patriotic anymore…

AND that’s it for me today kids.  i have to say that i am SUPER excited for tomorrow’s all new episode of “VHS Breakdown” because we are reviewing one of my personal favorite films, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.”  i know most of you watched that movie as a kid and maybe it’s been awhile since you’ve seen it, but that movie is F*CKED UP and i can’t wait to show you why tomorrow at 4:20.

But have a great week everyone.  i’ll be back here on Friday with an all new blog, but don’t forget to go to my VHS Breakdown Youtube page and PLEASE PLEASE subscribe to our page and/or “like” and share our videos as much as possible.  Only 3 episodes left this season and i can definitely promise you we make them count!  But go out and enjoy your summer while you can, and i’ll be back with some more blog comedy this Friday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter