America may be the best country in the world, but that’s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school. – Dennis Miller

23 Jul

What is up kids?

So is it me or is July the FASTEST GDDAMN MONTH OF ALL TIME!!  How is it July 23rd already?? i feel like it was only yesterday that i was walking out of school for the last time with nothing but an entire summer to look forward too.  Now there are “Back to School” sales all over the television and before you know it the leaves will be on the ground and you’ll be complaining that it’s getting cold out and how this year we HAVE to buy a snowmobile because there is no way i’m shoveling all that snow by myself again!!

Actually wait, hold up a second.  It’s still July everyone!  Please calm down if you’re already dreading the summer being over because we still have a long way to go!   i know it seems like the summer flies by, but if that’s the case you’d better make sure you’re drinking and partying and hitting up the beach and going to as many BBQ’s as you can because you don’t want to regret missing out on one second of this amazing summer!!

Although that being said, it’s been too gddamn hot to do ANYTHING lately.  These last couple of days haven’t been MURDEROUS but last week was a gddamn killer.  How can any of you do stuff in this heat?  Maybe it’s because i myself am a large man, but i do NOT deal with this heat well AT ALL.  i don’t even want to go to the beach, i just want to sit in my room and enjoy the greatest invention by Mankind, the air conditioner.  And we should probably change the term Mankind to “Humankind” by now.  But whatever, those silly broads will never even realize what we’re saying so who cares, us guys will never change it!  Way to go Mankind!

Now here is the point on my blog where i have to explain that i don’t really feel that way about women.  And that the reason i make those kinds of jokes is because i’m impersonating the type of ignorant ahole that truly feels that way.  But i feel like if you’re one of my readers you should understand that without me saying it by now, so i won’t bother explaining myself when i make those kinds of jokes in the future.  Not all the time anyways, i understand that sarcasm can be hard to understand over the Interwebs sometimes.  But i’ll never be the kind of guy who apologizes for something he’s said unless i TRULY believe i’m wrong.  And if you know what a smart a$$ know-it-all i really am then you know that’s probably never going to happen.

Speaking of know-it-alls, i TOTALLY erased an entire blog that i was about to post last week.  No joke, i literally finished and proofread the entire thing but when i went to post it something f’d up and i lost it ALL.  Although i have to say i wasn’t as mad as you would think.  “Probably because your blog isn’t funny or good anyway, so what would be the big loss?”  Well true that’s part of it, but i’ve also just been in a fantastic mood lately so whatever what can you do i guess.  And oh yeah lick my sweaty sack you mean spirited ahole.

But we’re getting close to the end of the month so everyone better be ready to squeeze as much joy from this last part of summer as you can!  We still have all of August left, but as everyone knows that is the month for Fantasy Football drafts as well as my birthday so our time is limited.

So let’s not let the summer end yet!  We still have a week left in July and the ENTIRE month of August to party our gddamn nutbags off.  So let’s make sure we take advantage of the time we have!  And by take advantage i mean spend all day drinking in the sun, laying in a raft in pool until we order a meat lovers pizza late at night and then throw it up everywhere and then be in a ton of pain due to sun and food poisoning and then wake up and do the same thing the next day.  Ah, summer…


-Hey did you hear that “news” story about how unconvicted killer George Zimmerman helped some family that was in an overturned car?  i didn’t bother reading the story because who cares but i’m sure when he’s at the Gates and Peter is going over George’s “Pros and Cons” he’ll most likely let old Georgie porgie into heaven considering that helping people who were in a car accident and shooting an unarmed teenager and ending his life about even themselves out.  It’s too bad we already have Pope Francis because i’m pretty sure “Pope Zimmerman” would have sounded just as good!  Or at least i would have believed in his authority about as much.

-Congrats to my talented friend Jim Kohl who got married this past weekend!  Besides being the artist at HAPPY HOUR COMIC and THE BREWERY, he’s also a pretty good guy and i wish him all the best.  Jim was nice enough to do the “VHS Breakdown” logo for me, and he was also the first one to get me to try stand up comedy at an open mic for my first time, something that i will always be in debt to him for.  But his girl Chrissy is the money, and i wish nothing but the best for the two lovebirds.  Well that and for him to invite me over to use his gddamn pool once in awhile.  C’mon guy, it’s crazy hot out and i live right by you, hook me up sucka!
So if you don’t know by now i’m a HUGE fan of Joe Rogan.  i mean “Fear Factor” was okay but he’s definitely the best commentator on UFC and he’s also an incredibly talented stand up comic.  But my favorite thing that he does is his podcast, “The Joe Rogan Experience” which is by far the greatest podcast out there that everyone should be listening to.  He’s a ridiculously intelligent guy, but more than that he is constantly looking for knowledge and the truth, and in addition he refuses to just accept answers without doing enough research to be satisfied with the solutions.  
That being said, he has a new show on SYFY that premiers tomorrow called “Joe Rogan Questions Everything,” and you will all be better people if you decide to check it out.  Forget whatever opinion you have of him, just watch this show and make it popular because even without seeing it i can tell you that it is going to be the f’n MONEY.  And there’s nothing on Wednesday nights anyway so there’s zero excuse to not watch it so you’d better f’n at least DVR that piece!!
Oh and for those of you who think i’m just telling you to watch it because me and Rogan are BFF’s well you may have a point…
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- i throw a decent amount of parties, or at least i did when i used to have friends.  But i must say the all-time WORST question that i constantly get is “So who’s going to the party?”  EVERYONE asks that question, and i guess i don’t blame them.  i mean it’s a decent enough question to ask because of course you want to know who’s going.  But no one ever stops to think that the person getting asked that question has to answer it EVERY F’N TIME.  And do you realize i have to literally sit there and list every gddamn name of every single person going?  It’s so f’n annoying, and who do you really expect is gonna be there? It’s always the same bunch of a$$holes it always is.  Do you really think if someone crazy was showing up i wouldn’t bother mentioning it to you?  “So who’s coming to the party?”  Well Tom will be there, Steve, Erin, and oh yeah Kanye West, Kim Kardashian and Mark Zuckerberg are gonna be there!  “REALLY?!?!?” No  not really jerk0ff, it’s just me and my dumbass friends.  Stop worrying so much about who’s gonna be there and and just be glad there’s a party and come ready to have a good time for crying out loud.  Oh and if you’re a dude bring beer, you’re lucky i invited your non-bringing any girls ass in the first place.

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Jim Jam Jooblies”  Extra points to ANYONE who gets that reference which will be none of you.

“Facebook Etiquette”- i think waiting for a girl to friend you first on FB is the new waiting two days before calling a girl after you get her number.  Why be like every other ahole guy sending friend requests all day when you can just be cool and lay back and wait for her to friend you?  “OMG FRIEND REQUEST ME!!!” is the same as calling her the same night that she gave you her number.  Play it cool for once son, be patient.  Like Kenny Powers said, “Make em wait, it’s good for them.”

Fast Food Tips –So today is “National Hot Dog Day,” and i for one am FURIOUS that people don’t get off from work for this holiday.  There is literally nothing more American then jamming a soft bun filled with hot beef down your throat, and i blame Obama and the Liberals for making us have to work on such a patriotic holiday.

But one company that does love this country is Sonic, because besides having the best breakfast burritos you can get, and besides the fact that you can buy breakfast at ANY TIME, they are also selling $1 hot dogs in honor of National Hot dog day.  My advice to you is to get a crisp 10 dollar bill, by 10 one dollar dogs and eat each one of them while sitting on the toilet and listening to the National Anthem.  Oh and feel free to chime in with your butthole when you reach “the bombs bursting in air” part.  This experience will definitely have you saying “God Bless America!”  Unless you are Marc Anthony, because then inbred white trash racist f*cks won’t think it’s patriotic anymore…

AND that’s it for me today kids.  i have to say that i am SUPER excited for tomorrow’s all new episode of “VHS Breakdown” because we are reviewing one of my personal favorite films, “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.”  i know most of you watched that movie as a kid and maybe it’s been awhile since you’ve seen it, but that movie is F*CKED UP and i can’t wait to show you why tomorrow at 4:20.

But have a great week everyone.  i’ll be back here on Friday with an all new blog, but don’t forget to go to my VHS Breakdown Youtube page and PLEASE PLEASE subscribe to our page and/or “like” and share our videos as much as possible.  Only 3 episodes left this season and i can definitely promise you we make them count!  But go out and enjoy your summer while you can, and i’ll be back with some more blog comedy this Friday!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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