Society, you’re a crazy breed. Hope you’re not lonely, without me… – Eddie Vedder "Society"

1 Dec

THE BLOG WHERE i TRY TO LEAVE ON A CLASSY NOTE…


What is up kids?

So it’s my last blog of the year, but more importantly then that this is my LAST blog that i’m writing as a single man!  That’s right kids, this Friday i’m getting married to my best friend and the love of my life!  “Well there’s only one question we have miguel, WHAT’S HIS NAME?!?!”

Well played jerks!  That “What’s his name?” bit has easily been one of my favorites this year, so it only makes sense that you would drop it on me now.  And anyways, his name is Jason and he’s a construction worker who has rough yet tender hands that are both surprisingly gentle and firm especially when he caresses my supple… NO!  Now is not the time for these kinds of jokes!  i’m about to be a married man, i need to be better then that!  It’s time to finally grow up!

Although before i do, i need to tell you about my bachelor party that i had this past Sunday.  Well, not so much my bachelor party as i need to talk about that night and more importantly the morning after.  Because if you could recall i spent the first few years of my blog writing about nothing but drinking brews and doing shotguns and playing beer pong and then eating Turvinos bacon sicillian pizza and White Castle sliders until i went outside to throw up at “Puke Park” (trademark by Wecht) only to be followed up by more throwing up in the toilet until i was finally on all fours in the bathtub throwing up yet AGAIN as i tried to push White Castle chunks and my own shame and embarrassment down the drain.

And i’d like to tell you that now that i’m about to be married that i’ve put those days behind me and that i’ve truly grown up as both a man and as an individual.  i’d like to tell all of you that.  But the truth is everything i just listed is EXACTLY what happened to me, and it wasn’t until 3 pm yesterday that i was able to have a functional thought or keep a solid in my tummy and not in the porcelain God i had been praying to for two days straight.  And the truth is i can still drink and party as hard as i’ve always been able to do, but the pain and anguish i feel the next day/s has gotten EXPONENTIALLY worse.  In fact, i guarantee if any of you had the type of hangovers that i do that NONE of you would ever drink again!  Mostly because you are smart and don’t want to put your body through that type of punishment.

But honestly it only makes sense that my last blog before i get hitched involves puke and burgers and brews, because starting next year i’m only writing about the sanctity of marriage!  Well that and doing laundry and raising a family and going on couples dates where we get a sitter and enjoy a nice quiet dinner where we drink regularly out of adult glasses and not doing shots of beer a minute for an entire hour and we’ll play Pictionary instead of beer pong and have all of you noticed that going to bed before midnight is super fun, and let’s all try to wake up early and not waste this beautiful day and let’s get to Home Depot this Saturday but maybe not Bed Bath and Beyond because i don’t know if we’ll have time!

Or maybe not, and maybe i’ll be the same immature hilarious a hole that you’ve all come to love and/or hate.  Because lucky for you guys this is my comedy blog, not my f*cking diary.  And as much as i try to incorporate my personal life to either make this blog funnier and/or more personal the truth is i don’t feel it necessary to tell you all the truth.  i only find it necessary to make you all laugh, which is why when it comes to this blog i feel like i have the right to write WHATEVER the f*ck i want! 

But it’s been a fun and crazy year kids, quite possibly the craziest in my life.  And while i’m going to be taking a break from the blog for awhile i plan to come back bigger and badder then ever in early 2016!  “By “bigger and badder” do you really mean you’ll be fatter and even less funny?  Because i honestly don’t know if that’s possible…” 

Wow, you’re really killing me today.  i’m guessing it’s because you’re both sad angry that i’m leaving you for so long.  But fear not you irritable basterd!  i’ll be back sooner then you know, and with an all new look to this blog along with some brand new bits as well.  But until then enjoy some of my favorite Random Nonsense bits of 2015!



RANDOM “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE

– So is there really something called “Gay Vampires” that only drink only boner blood or am i just making that up?  

Haha that was one of the very first bits i posted in 2015, i’m glad i set the bar for this year’s comedy early!


 – So i used to wet the bed when i was younger.  And by younger i mean my late 20’s.  NO!  i mean when i was a little kid, although not too little because i think i was still doing it regularly in 1st and 2nd grade.  And i remember waking up and being so embarrassed that i wouldn’t tell my mom, and then i would walk to school and go through class all day smelling like pee.  And for the most part people never said anything, although sometimes i remember being in class especially gym and someone saying “man it smells like pee in here!”  and thinking i hope no one realizes it’s me as i got super ashamed.

Even worse, i remember going on vacation and staying at some place and my mom getting me a diaper because she didn’t want me to pee the bed where we were since we didn’t have a washing machine around to wash and change the sheets if i did.  And i don’t remember when this problem stopped for me, nor when i completely blacked this little nugget of my past from my memory.  Because it wasn’t until recently that something reminded me about it, and then i remembered what a little pee body i was and figured i’d admit it on my blog because oh well what are you gonna do?  But like Sara Silverman says, when you’re a bedwetter there are only one group of people that you can look down on, and that’s bed $hitters!
– Can we as a nation just decide as one to put radios into every public (and work) bathroom in America?  And not fancy expensive bluetooth radios that play Satellite radio and Pandora and Spotify, i’m not talking about high quality electronics here.  i’m just saying we should take money out of the Federal and/or State budgets and put a cheap ass a.m. radio in every single bathroom in the country, this way we can listen to ANYTHING else besides the sounds of $hit and piss and farts coming out of people’s buttholes and/or penises/vaginas.  

i mean for real, it’s bad enough that i’m in a stall and the socially awkward fool that walks in thinks it’s okay to sit next to me and have a Katrina like disaster go on as the levies break and excrement pours through his own personal flood gates.  At least with the radio on we could pretend to listen to something else besides the kids being dropped off at the pool.  Although if you listen to Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity or that turd Mark Levine on the radio you’re probably better off listening to people just $hit their brains out because it’s basically the same thing.  But for the rest of us just play anything else on the radio!
– Speaking of deucing uncontrollably and washing pee stained bed sheets, can someone tell me what is the point of the “small load” setting on a washing machine?  i’m either not doing laundry or i’m washing EVERYTHING that i own!
– The biggest problem with dieting is that when you eat perfectly good for 3 or so days you don’t automatically drop like 25 pounds and instead you drop like 2, MAYBE.  And that’s not enough for all of the hell we put ourselves through, is it?  i mean that’s why we can’t diet for too long, we don’t lose enough weight and that misery doesn’t compare with the absolute JOY one feels when shoving a sausage pizza slice down your fat throat as you wash it down with a Coke and some cheese fries with gravy and some Cheetos (the CRUNCHY ones not the puffy ones!) and then you eat a steak and an Italian sub with extra mayo and finish with rocky road ice cream.  MAYBE if you dropped a ton of weight every single day you dieted you would keep it up and not succumb to the pressure involved with all of the foods i just mentioned,  but until then i’m just going to eat everything i want and then complain about how there’s no diets that work.

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! “Um, what the hell are “album covers you old basterd?”  Is this 1970?  Forget albums grandpa, i illegally download everything!  Jeez, will you get off of my case already?  It’s a brand new year, give me a hot second before you start busting my balleens so badly.  And will you at least look at the album cover i’m showing you before you condemn this bit?  It’s the self titled album from the amazing “Joyce” who i personally consider the original Beyonce.  Judge for yourself! 

And that’s it for me THIS YEAR kids!  And honestly, is there a better way to end 2015 then the way i started it which is by starting at Joyce’s precious face?  Yeah, i don’t think so either.  But either way i hope you all have the best holiday break, and i’ll be back eventually in 2016!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go LIKE my “Here Comes the Money… Facebook page!”

And if you haven’t seen VHSBREAKDOWN.COM yet you are BLOWING IT!!!

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One Response to “Society, you’re a crazy breed. Hope you’re not lonely, without me… – Eddie Vedder "Society"”

  1. Stefanie December 4, 2015 at 10:45 pm #

    oh man I missed these…literally crying while reading..love you Miguel

    Stef 🙂

    Like

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