If your life was a movie and it started now, what would the hero of your life’s movie do right now? Do those things. – Joe Rogan

19 Jan

THE BLOG WHERE i BECOME HERO OF MY OWN MOVIE

What is up kids???

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s gddamn 2016!  We are officially a year later then the one they traveled to when they were going to the future in “Back to the Future 2!”  Which means if you watched that movie now they would actually be going BACK in time!  Holy f*cking $hitballs does that make me feel old!  Well that and the fact that i have so much grey pubic and body hair now that my chest and balleens look like they’re sporting a Santa Claus beard.

Did all of you know that Austin Powers body hair was shaped like a dick and balls?  Well now you do!  And speaking of jolly old Saint Nick and balls, i hope everyone had an amazing Christmas vacation!  Or whatever holiday that you celebrate that let you stay home from work. Because i’m not one of those fools that gets all mad that we have to say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.”  Because for real, who gives a f*cking $hit?  i mean yeah people need to stop being so sensitive, especially in this country.  But whether i say Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas just please know that either way i’m not being sincere and i honestly could give less of a f*ck if you spent your holidays following all of the Gods or none.

Merry Christmas?  Happy new year?  Did you really wait over a month to get off of your ass and unveil this “brand new” blog and you’re still talking about holidays that happened forever ago?  No one cares about Christmas or New Years anymore guy, it’s almost February for crying out loud!  How about you stop living in the past and get to the ha ha’s already!  For Christ’s sake it’s almost 2017 and you already haven’t made me laugh once!”

Alright jerkface, if you can stop insulting me for a hot second that’s exactly what i planned to do!  i can’t help that i’m excited to be back, especially with this all new look of the site!  Speaking of which, if you have an opinion on the new layout please let me know, either comment below or on my Facebook page or on Twitter which you can easily access with the links on this brand new site!  Which is FANTASTIC because now instead of just not reading my blog you can also not tweet me OR not go to my Facebook page!  It’s win win!

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So yeah i have a TON in store for all of you faithful readers this year and i can’t wait to get to it all, although that’s really a lie because that’s EXACTLY what i’m going to do!  But thanks for checking out my first blog of the year, as well as the 412th blog that i have ever written!  To think, when i first started this blog i was single, immature, fat, drunk, and incredibly sexy and hilarious.  Now i’m still all of those things except that i’m not a single loser, i’m a married man!  Oh that’s right, the last time we spoke here it was the week of my wedding and i haven’t written since.  i guess i should probably talk about that too… on my next blog!

But for now get ready for this ALL NEW Random Nonsense which will probably sound a lot like the old Random Nonsense so eat me.  But let me know what you think of the new site, tell all of your friends and/or enemies to come check out my blog and enjoy all of the free knowledge and ha ha’s i cram down your thought hole!

RANDOM NONSENSE

So What’d i Miss???  – So now seems like a good enough place to start off my new bit, “So What’d i Miss???”  Because Lord knows by the time i get to a new blog there’s always a TON that goes on in the week that passes.  And since this time i’ve been gone since the beginning of December i’ve got a tad to catch up on…

But yeah Trump is still a racist ignorant monster who only appeals to the angry and uneducated.  Bernie Sanders has an actual shot at getting the Democratic nomination if people get smart and get out and vote for the one person who truly isn’t an establishment politician and is our only hope at saving our country.  Although speaking of being our only hope, something else i need to bring up is the one thing i didn’t miss and that’s the new Star Wars movie which i saw and i loved and it was the money!  In fact, i give it 2 light sabers up, WAY up!

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– Why are bottles of beer considered to be classier then cans of beer?  Who made this rule up?  i mean let me get this straight, if i show up to a party with a case of Bud Light bottles then i’m a hero to everyone, which also means i expect everyone at this party to be in their tuxedos or prom dresses because now that there are “bottles” of beer the party is officially CLASSY!

ON THE OTHER HAND… if i show up to said party with a 30 pack of Bud Light CANS, which is also AN ENTIRE 6 PACK more then a case of bottles, then all of a sudden i’m a classless lowlife who doesn’t belong?  What gives?  i mean it’s still the same cheap ass swine Bud Light that most people agree tastes like the urinal cake at a frat party.  But since it’s in a can and not in a bottle i am now no better then these ignorant toothless losers that are voting for Trump, even though it is not only easier to break bottles which is both messy and dangerous but they are also harder to recycle since you can’t just crush them up like cans.  For real, someone needs to rethink this social norm that cans aren’t classy because this rule is BULL$HIT!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! – “Vagina Bubbles From Hell”

Really miguel???  You’re gone for weeks and then you come back with this nonsense for the name of a punk band?  It doesn’t even make sense!”  Oh yeah?  You think it doesn’t make any sense?  Then check THIS out!  If you have the BALLS!

Watch Vagina Bubbles from Hell… if you DARE

– This is a new blog and a new year, and for 2016 i truly want my readers to know that from now on i don’t plan on judging anyone by their faith, no matter what their faith may be.  And if  in  the past i offended anyone i’m really very sorry, because i write this blog to make people laugh as well as think and i know some of you are sensitive Sallys anytime anyone brings up religion.  So if jokes about God aren’t your cup of tea well i apologize because it’s really not my intention to exclude you from my weekly ha ha’s. 
So to make up for my blasphemous behavior today, i’d like to pay tribute to one of The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! and it’s one that should make all of you God fearing people smile ear to ear.  Because there are 3 special ladies who love Jesus more then most, so much so that they offer both their spirit and their bodies to their Lord and savior through the magic of song.  And it is with this wonderful compilation that i present to you The Faith Tones and their album, “Jesus Use Me.”  Which is a phrase that our very own Jay John and Johnny Lats use every single day!

Fast Food Tips – When i think of Wendy’s i’ll always think of the company that thought it’d be a good idea to bring out the actual Wendy for their commercials, and then after realizing she was too fat and unattractive they decided to use a pretend Wendy who was much younger and thinner and prettier instead.  But the second thing i’ll think of is their willingness to try new and classy ideas for burgers, just like their new Gouda cheese bacon burger!  This delicious nonsense is topped with a creamy garlic aioli, red onions, gouda cheese and swiss gruyere cheese sauce, and 3 strips of applewood bacon!  This burger is so good i covered the front of my pants with my own personal creamy garlic aioli and my own special blend of gouda cheese sauce!  And yes you’re welcome for that image!

 

And that’s it for me today kids!  Holy $hitballs this blog was jam packed with hilarity, lucky for you you have an entire week to regroup before i return with more free $hits and giggles, hopefully more of the latter!

But i hope you all have a great week, let me know what you think of the new site and i’ll cya all here next Tuesday with an all new blog!  And it’s the one i finally talk about the new married life i’m living so you won’t want to miss it!

Cya Tuesday!  – miguel josé

 

 

 

 

 

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