Love to eat turkey, cause it’s good. Love to eat turkey like a good boy should. Cause it’s turkey, to eat, so good! – Adam Sandler "The Thanksgiving Song"

24 Nov

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, i’m only writing ONE more blog in 2015!  Holy $hitballs kids, by the time you’re done stuffing every orifice in your body with stuffing and recovering at the hospital from the brutal wounds you got waiting in line for Toys R Us Black Friday sale the next thing you know you won’t be hearing from me again until Baby New Year’s tiny baby balls drop and it’s 2016!  Can this life move any faster, like Brian Regan says i submit that it cannot!

But we’re not quite there yet, mostly because we have the best holiday of the year coming up this Thursday with Thanksgiving!  And for real, what is a better holiday then Thanksgiving?  No presents to buy for anyone, all of the best food, and nonstop football on television all day.  It’s the best holiday ever!  Unless you have a f*cked up family of course, because if that’s the case i can totally understand you not digging Thanksgiving.  Depending on how well you get along with your family members it can go from awful to just straight up awkward…

But not for me, because my family is the MONEY!  And there is nothing better then getting to spend time with the people i love the most, especially while eating a ton of delicious food and watching football all day in a turkey and biscuit induced coma.  And T-Giving is also the best because not all of my family live by each other and we don’t get to spend as much time together as we would like.  i mean don’t forget, i’m Mexican and have 16 brothers and 11 sisters!  Alright fine i don’t have that many.  But two brothers and two sisters is PLENTY, and then the next thing you know you end up with a middle child who is CONSTANTLY screaming for attention and even ends up having to write his own comedy blog once a week which is nothing more then a personal diary in hopes of getting as many people as possible to pay attention to his feelings or he’ll want to die miserable and alone!

But Thanksgiving is all about family, food and football, or the “real” holy trinity if you will.  And it’s also for being thankful for what we have, because let’s be honest kids we all have a LOT to be thankful for.  i mean yeah there is terrorism and racism rampant everywhere, and many times it seems like there is more evil then beauty in the world.  But the truth is that if you are reading this blog you probably live a pretty comfortable life, and by comfortable i mean you probably live better then over half of the world’s population.  i mean the biggest problems most of us have is what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner, or how early should i start my Christmas shopping and what show on Netflix should i start to binge watch next? 

And for real, we are SOOOOOO lucky to have those kinds of problems.  And i know we should be thankful every second of our lives that these questions are the extent of our misery, but if we’re not at least we have Thanksgiving to hopefully try and keep things in perspective.  And trust me, i know how stressful and horrible it is to live paycheck to paycheck.  And i know the feeling of this amounting debt that i’ll never get out of, and of course i have extra pounds that i would like to lose to be healthier and sexier.  And instead of doing that this Thursday i’ll end up doing the exact OPPOSITE and eat until my colon and lower intestines are filled with gravy and cheese.

But we’re EXTREMELY lucky to have the lives we have, like winning the lottery lucky.  And instead of being miserable about the things that you don’t have please try and appreciate and realize how many people have it WAY worse.  And if you do, hopefully you’ll understand just how lucky we are to enjoy these holidays.  As well as how lucky you all are to have me to let you know about this fact in my comedy blog!  Hooray for me!  Mi-guel!


– So apparently Donald Trump is okay with starting a database to register all Muslims in this country, and predictably after making that remark his polling numbers have risen with the KKK.  Wait, i’m sorry.  i meant his polling numbers have risen with the Republican party.  Although now that i think about it i’m guessing my comment about the KKK is also accurate.  Anyways, here’s my question.  For all of the people who want the Muslim community to come out and denounce those that are committing HORRIFIC acts in the name of Islam, is there a reason you don’t also expect Republicans to call out their racist and ignorant candidates who straight up want to treat Muslim refugees like they were Jews during the holocaust? 

i mean i realize that many of you get angry that the majority of the Muslim community that is peaceful doesn’t constantly call out their more extreme members.  Yet you also seem fine with bags of douche like Chris Christie saying he wouldn’t accept Syrian refugees under 5 years old who are seeking help, and you also seem okay with Trump wanting all Muslims to register in a database as well as carry some sort of ID stating their religion so we can keep an eye on them.  So if you’re going to sit back and say NOTHING as your racist leaders promote very Nazi-esque ideas then maybe you should look in the mirror to see what a true racist hypocrite looks like. 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Is there any food better at Thanksgiving dinner then stuffing?  For real, i don’t care if it’s stove top or your mothers secret recipe, stuffing is the shiznittle bam, snip snap sack!  And oh yeah whoever gets that reference is the money (yeah i know you know it jj).  But that’s literally all i can think about when i think about this holiday, and it’s nice to know it’s only two more days till i can have it!

And what a great name for a food, “stuffing”.  They didn’t even bother trying to describe what the actual food is, they must have started eating it and said “holy $hitballs this food is good!  i can’t stop stuffing my gddamn f*cking face with this deliciousness!  What should we call this motherf*cking fantastic food?”  “i say we call this $hit “stuffing” because who cares what it is, we can’t stop stuffing our fat f*cking faces with this orgasmic f*cking amazingness!  So “stuffing” it is!”   I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how that conversation went down at the first Thanksgiving, and it’s funny to think that that is LITERALLY how the name “stuffing” entered our vocabulary. And people think history is boring…

Fast food tips: Thanksgiving Edition! Speaking of stuffing… i know what you’re all thinking right now .  “Fast Food Tips??  On Thanksgiving?  C’mon guy, who eats fast food on Thanksgiving??”  Um, only the classiest and smartest motherf’ers around kids!  Because what is the one thing that you feel is missing at every Thanksgiving dinner?  i’ll give you a hint… it’s White Castle!  But what if i told you there was a way you could combine White Castle with the best holiday of the year?  “Holy S miguel i’d crap my pants in glee!”  Well you’re in luck my friends, because straight from White Castle’s website i give you the recipe for “White Castle Turkey Stuffing!”

So to all of you who have thought, “i enjoy Thanksgiving and i love taking a big steamy dump after all is said and done, but i kinda wish i could take bigger and longer deuces to make the holiday last even longer”  To those of you who thought that enjoy your White Castle stuffing and thank me later!  And oh yeah those of you who thought that… MAN do you have problems!  But you have come to the right blog.   And the best thing about this stuffing is that it’s good for the kids as well!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Does it feel like i drop that White Castle slider bit every Thanksgiving blog?  It should, because i do it every time.  And if i got just one single reader to start this as a tradition then i’ve done my job!  And by job i mean i’ve helped make you ruin both your health and your life with delicious yet poor decisions. 
But have a great week, and i’ll see you kids next week for the last blog of the year!  As well as my last blog as a single man!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone from my family to yours!
And see you next Tuesday for the LAST blog of the year!

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