My 420th Blog Ever And The One That Changes EVERYTHING

15 Mar

People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?” – Jim Gaffigan

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s mother*cking up, this is my 420TH Blog EVER!!!  Holy f’n $hitballs kids, that’s a lot of mother*cking gddamn blogs!  Light that $hit if you got em because this is a HUGE milestone for me, one that i would have never thought it’d be possible for me to achieve!

Although speaking of kids and huge milestones (and mother*cking for that matter…) i do have some pretty big news to tell all of you, news that unless you are someone who is dumb enough to fall for Donald Trump’s awful garbage and actually think he’d be a good president when he can’t even make a halfway decent human being you are probably smart enough to have figured it out already.

But yeah i can’t think of a better way to finally admit it here on my four hundred and twentieth blog that me and my beautiful wife are having our first child which means i guess i’m going to be a dad!  Well not i guess, i straight up know that your not so humble narrator through this wacky ride called life is going to be a daddy!  Do you believe in miracles?

Although if i’m being honest it’s really not a miracle.  i mean i know i’ve always joked about lusting over barely legal blondes and baby girls in general, like some sort of creepy old man who finds these kinds of jokes hilarious when all of the women reading this think i’m pathetic and old and would rather share a subway sandwich with Jared Fogle then hear a senior citizen like myself talk about Kate Upton.  Which is funny because all of the guys are sitting here thinking, “What the hell happened to all of the Kate Upton pictures you used to post you whipped basterd??!”

But the truth is that behind this mask of immature humor and underage horror all i’ve ever wanted in life are all of the same things that you kids want.  And that’s to love and be loved, and for ONCE to be able to drink 3 bottles of red wine all by myself and wake up knowing where my pants are!

And if you seriously want to talk miracles the one thing that is a miracle is that not only did i end up finding that special someone, i found her when i expected it the least and in the last place i would ever look, my hometown of Dumont!

So yes, in the big scheme of things it’s crazy and amazing that i was able to find the right woman for yours truly, a sexy yet slightly overweight formerly unemployed Hispanic guy who writes a comedy blog and has his own Youtube show where he reviews and smashes 80’s movies VHS tapes.  Which when you look at it like that it’s hard to believe that i wasn’t married already, i mean what a catch!

But whatever, i was lucky enough to find someone i love and who loves me back and now we’re married and starting a family and i couldn’t be happier and i have to say it is a straight up miracle.  Just the being lucky enough to find the love of my life part though, the having a child part is definitely NOT a miracle.  i mean we both love each other and we had sex and i left my P in her V when i was done.  So yeah none miracle there kids, that’s just science!

And i know some of you must be asking yourself, “Is this what this blog has finally become?  After all of these years of playing beer pong and eating Turvinos pizza and doing power hours of Natty light while ogling pictures of young hot baby girls that would never have anything to do with me in real life even if i were rich, is this blog now going to become… a DADDY blog?!?!?  Has miguel jose finally made his full turn to the dark side???”

The truth is though i don’t know what’s going to happen with this blog.  i mean i’ve always genuinely hated it when comics that i loved and respected became older boring comics who do jokes about being married and parenting and only talk about how kids say the darnedest things!  i mean for real, that $hit is boring as F*CK!  Unless Louie CK is making jokes about it of course.

 So yeah, i’m not gonna sit here and say one way or the other what this blog is going to be about from now on because i honestly have no clue.  And i always promised myself that on MY blog that i would write about whatever the f*ck I want!  i don’t care if it’s being married, being a dad, funneling so many beers that i do the Electric slide with all of my guy friends on our annual camping trip, or even the first time i got a boner when i was a kid by rubbing my junk on the metal pole of the swings with my friend Daryl which we called “the Dicking feeling.”  i have always and will always continue to do what i want, when i want, as long as it’s f*cking funny!

 So if you’ve stuck with me this far i wouldn’t leave just yet, because even though i’m older then dirt and about as fun you also have to admit that it’s been a f*cking CRAZY ride my friends!  And even after 420 blogs i still plan on bringing you the money, so stick around as i shove said money and all of the free ha ha’s my dome and soul can create down your thought hole and into your funny bone!  Something i plan to do no matter how old i get!

RANDOM NONSENSE

Since this blog is a HUGEMONGOUS milestone for me i plan on doing what i always do on my milestone blogs and post some of my favorite Random Nonsense from these 420 blogs i’ve written!  And yeah some of you may think this is just me being lazy and reposting old jokes but whatever, i’ve earned the right to repost my funniest bits every once in awhile.  And besides, don’t try to bring me down today when i’m on cloud 9!

But one thing i do want to tell you all is that Season THREE of VHS Breakdown is already in production, and we should be able to start airing these episodes next month!  And i don’t know what’s more surprising, the fact that an immature ahole like me is about to have a family or that Rob and i finally got off of our lazy a$$es to start completing the new season.  But either way, check out VHSBREAKDOWN.COM to catch up on all of the 80’s movies we’ve already done.  And get ready for a new season with more smashes, more 80’s goodness and more WHAPPEM’S AND boooWHIPS! then you’ve ever seen before!!!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE

(From my very first blog back in March of 2011!) –  i’m sick of people complaining about the snow when they live in the NJ/NY area.  “It’s snowing again, FML!” “OMG i can’t wait till the warm weather, i can’t take this anymore!” “i can’t believe there’s snow in March, i wanna move to Florida!”  Then f’n move to Florida already!  It snows in this area of the world, get over it.  You might as well complain that it gets dark at night and then in the morning it gets light again.  “Why can’t it be light all the time?!?” That’s just the way it is aholes.  We all like warm weather but we live here so relax and/or shut your useless trap!

– i hate Capri pants.  Obviously on men but ESPECIALLY on women.  And i don’t mean i dislike them or that i am not really a fan, i mean i straight up HATE them.  “Whoo hoo, check out my calves!”  Terrific, you’re literally showing me the only part of your body that doesn’t give me a b0ner.  Definitely don’t wear a skirt which is the hottest thing ever, wear those dumb ass capri pants instead.  No wonder you’re still single.

–  Whenever there is a group of girls together like a bunch of friends or something, there is always one girl that is the “big” one in the group.  i guess all guys have their own particular nicknames for that girl, from “Shamu”, or “Landfill” or even “Earthquake.”  The possibilities are as endless as her appetite.  Personally  i always thought the funniest nickname to call the big girl in the group is “The Enforcer” but to each his own i guess…

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Peachy Keens”

Alright i’ll be honest, that’s my favorite band name i’ve come up with since “The Bees Knees.”  i dare any of you to try and do better.  i DARE YOU…

–  Here’s a message to all of you people who like to give the middle finger every time someone takes a picture of you… grow up already.  First of all, who are you giving the finger to?  Your friends and/or family taking the picture?  That’s awesome, way to be a classy individual.  Well why else do you do it?  Is it because you really don’t give an f???  Well, i’m guessing that can’t be it, otherwise you would just not be in the picture. Seems like a simple enough solution to me. 

 But besides all of that, do you know what’s the worst crime is from this awful habit?  It’s that this is easily the most unoriginal and played out pose one can do, so not only are you saying F you to your friends and ruining a possible cherished memory you’re doing it in the most unoriginal and boring way possible.  Say cheese!

-Do any of you get embarrassed when you use Coinstar?  i do, a little bit at least.  i mean obviously if you are dipping into your coin situation you must be getting close to rock bottom.  And it’s even extra embarrassing for me because i’m always walking into a bank midday at lunch or something while real people are doing “actual” grown up transactions and i hear things like,  “I’d like to get a new mortgage for my home please!” or “Can you please help me finance my new car?”  

And then you got my dumb broke ass in the corner pouring in all my change like CLANK CLANK CLANK CL CL CL CLANKENTY CLANK!!!  And i always try to play it off like, “Um, i’m only doing this for my little brother!” And then someone goes “We know your little brother, his name is Tomas and he’s married and successful and he’s 3 years younger then you! You should have lied and said it’s for your nephew!”  And i’m like “That’s what i meant! It’s for my…” “Too late ya jerk! We’re not buying it you cheap ahole!”  And then i go home with the $27 i made from the coin star this weekend.  But oh well, at least i can buy a nice lunch.  Thanks Coin Star!

–  Listen, let me make this clear… I DO NOT SUPPORT CHILD MOLESTATION!  But that being said, did you ever watch the show “Dateline” and root for the guy to get away? Like he goes outside, the cops come up on him but he like runs back inside and punches Chris Hanson in the face and jumps out a window and hops the fence and somehow gets away and steals a car and just totally evades the cops?  i seriously doubt they would air that episode, but hopefully it would end up on the interwebs or something. And trust me, i totally hope they catch the guy like the next day or something before he can commit any other crimes, and then they could send him to jail to get raped by big black dudes for the rest of his life.  Because like i said i’m not rooting for child molesters,  i’m just saying it would be cool for once to see someone get away.

And no, it’s not racist to assume it’d be a black guy who would rape him in prison;  i just said that they were black because it would hurt more.  i’m guessing some skinny white dude who is packing a roll of dimes would only cause him some slight discomfort, at most.

– So i know this is another thing i’ve written on a blog before, but if you’ve missed this next bit of knowledge that i’m about to drop on you PLEASE try to take notes and for God’s sake PAY ATTENTION!!! i don’t say this often on this blog but for once i’m giving you some incredible life advice that only stupid people would not listen to.

Whenever you eat a bag of chips, whether it be Doritos or Lays or Crunchy Cheetos or literally ANY bag of chips (except “Puffed” Cheetos of course, because anyone who prefers puffed over crunchy Cheetos is an insane maniac who deserves to be put away behind bars).  But if you open ANY other bag of chips you might like, ALWAYS open the bag of chips from the bottom of the bag, not the top!  i know it may sound and/or look ridiculous, but the way the bag is transported from the factory to the trucks to the warehouses to back to the trucks and eventually to the store where you buy said chips the bag is ALWAYS facing right side up…

Which means that during ALL of this time, ALL of the goodness like the salt and/or flavorings that you love is falling to the bottom of the bag.  So if you open the top of the bag of chips you are getting the LEAST amount of goodness that you can get.  SO DON’T DO IT!  Open the bag UPSIDE DOWN instead, and get all the delicious goodness that has dropped to the bottom that you paid for.  And please, just listen to what i’m saying and realize that you’ve been eating chips wrong you’re entire life.  And for Pete’s sake start opening your bags of chips from the bottom like us cool people have known to do for years. i promise you you’ll thank me later!!!

Fast food tips- Have any of you ordered a “McGangbang” from McDonalds lately? My guess is no, and i’m also guessing you don’t know what that is.  Man are you an ignorant fool!  And i’m sure you don’t think it’s a real thing but go ahead and Google the $hit out of it because you will definitely find it on the Interwebs.  Basically all you do is put an entire $1 McChicken sandwich inside a $1 double cheeseburger.  It’s simple enough and both items are on the dollar menu so you are basically getting a McDonalds feast for $2.16.  Enjoy!  Except for your colon of course…

So i wanted to end this milestone blog with a bang but i guess a Mcgangbang will have to do! But thank you so much to ALL of you for reading my insane ramblings all of these years.  Whether you were with me on blog 1 back in March of 2011 or if this is your first time reading my money jokes i truly appreciate it and i hope i’ve at least made some jokes that have made you laugh, think, get angry, hungry, and possibly horny!

But i hope you’ve all enjoyed at least 1 of these 420 blogs, and even if you haven’t i put this comedy gold out there for FREE week in and week out.  So no matter what you think about me at least you’re always getting your money’s worth!

And oh yeah, since this particular blog is so f’n fantastic i’m going to take a week off to rest my dome piece.  So have a great couple of weeks and i’ll see you all on Tuesday, March 29th when i get back!

Cya! – miguel jose

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