The mind of a writer can be a truly terrifying thing. Isolated, neurotic, caffine-addled, crippled by procrastination, consumed by feelings of panic, self-loating, and soul crushing inadequacy. And that’s on a good day. – Robert Deniro

8 Mar

 

THE BLOG BEFORE i HIT A MAJOR MILESTONE

 

What is up kids?

So i know lately that this is normally where i talk about politics and try to educate all of you on how incredible Bernie Sanders would be for this country and mankind for that matter, and how Donald Trump is a big bag of orange racist douche who is a lame ass Hitler wanna be without the mustache.  But i promise i’m not talking about any of that today!  Especially when there are way more important things to talk about, like Kim Kardashian putting out a brand new NUDE selife!  OMF’NG you guys, nude selife of Kim Kardashian!  The interwebs are going crazy!

And i have to be honest, this is CRAZY news!  No, not so much about the nude selife that EVERYONE is talking about.  The crazy part is the fact that she’s already famous for a SEX TAPE that she put out and now we’re supposed to care about seeing her naked?  i mean let’s be frank here Kim, i’ve already seen you slurping down on Ray J’s hugemongous python like Maggie sucks on a pacifier in the Simpsons.  And i’ve also seen you get drilled from behind doggy style in your holiest of holies like Ray J was making a Cold Stone  creamery sundae using your naughty hole as the frozen granite to pound on.  And now for some reason i’m supposed to care about seeing you with no clothes on? i think i’m missing something here…

But whatever, if that’s what people are talking about these days i can talk about it too, i can be topical!  i’ve even been trying to get into the latest music, just to stay hip and fresh with the kids!  Like i have to admit, i actually enjoy this Justin Beaver guy, his sensitive singing really hits me in my heart and in my taint!  And i’m also big fan of Kendrick Lamar Odom, i don’t know what’s up with him and Khloe but that guy can really do the rap hops!  And don’t even get me started on Hotline Bling by Drake’s Coffee Cake, that song is my Jam!  And i hear they call him Coffee Cake because his face looks like a Drake’s coffee cake but to be honest that is kinda mean…

But yeah the reason i don’t want to get into politics or anything serious today is because i’m super excited about life right now.  This whole married life thing has been totally awesome and i love being married to my best friend.  And we’ve FINALLY started filming Season 3 of VHS Breakdown and i can honestly say it’s going to be our BEST one yet!  Although when we said we’d be back in 2015 we OBVIOUSLY meant 2016…

And in even more crazy news, this is blog #419 which means next week will be blog 420!!!  Smoke em if you got em kids, because i would have NEVER guessed that i would have written 420 f*cking comedy blogs!  i don’t know about you guys but i’m feeling pretty gddamn proud of myself, and i’ll do my best to make next week’s milestone blog EPIC!

But for now this one will have to do, so enjoy the free ha ha’s and Random Nonsense and get ready for the most smoketastic blog i’ve ever written coming soon!

 RANDOM NONSENSE

– So it’s no secret that i can’t party as hard as i used to anymore.  What used to be weeknights of playing beer pong in a basement listening to 90’s tunes and ordering Turvino’s bacon sicillian pizza and then mornings of being late to work because i spent them on all fours throwing up into my poor abused toilet bowl as i struggled to find pants has now turned into early nights of watching politics on my couch and even earlier mornings of beginner’s yoga and drinking prune juice as i plan my weekend trip to Home Depot… if i have time!

But one person who still gets down is Mrs. Mills, because good f*cking LORD that b!tch can PARTY!  No matter how old she gets you know she still parties hard, as you can tell with this next entry into  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Because everyone knows like Matt Dillon in the Outsiders it ain’t a rumble without her, so the next bash you throw make sure to invite this party ANIMAL and have her bring her album, “Mrs Mills All Time Party Dances and Other Favourites!”

– Can we all just stop with this writing in script nonsense?  What is the gddamn point?  Oh right, we came up with script because writing in regular print form took too long and script made it faster.  What a great idea!  Except now everyone writes on computers and cell phones and we literally NEVER have to write in script anymore!  So not only is it completely useless, it’s also f’n IMOSSIBLE to read!  People have terrible handwriting when they print things out, so when they write in script it’s like trying to read a drunk 4 year old’s crayon representation of a Stephen King novel.

So enough of writing in script everyone!  Unless you write in calligraphy because that $hit is straight up money AND fancy!

 “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So like any decent human being i support gay rights, and i for one couldn’t be happier to see all the rapid progress that their cause has achieved even in just these last few years.  i think it’s absurd that gay marriage is not recognized in every state in America yet, and it’s a disgrace that there are even less LGBT laws protecting gay people in the work place.  Being Gay is obviously how you are born and not a “choice,” and it’s about time everyone realized this and started acting that way.

That being said, toys like these for little kids can’t help.  And i’m not saying it’s a bad thing if you’re a parent and you WANT your kid to be gay, i’m just saying there has to be more subtle ways then getting them toys like this…

Fast Food Tips – Some people think i’m a fake Mexican because i can’t speak Spanish.  And while those people are racist ignorant aholes who say hateful and hurtful things they just also might be right.  No, not about me, about Taco Bell!  Taco Bell is about as Mexican as Donald Trump, case in point their newest creation which CLEARLY comes from the mind of  dirtbag American, The Quesalupa.  Which is made up of a chewy Chalupa shell on the outside with pepper jack cheese baked right inside the shell.  Oh that’s right, melty cheese stuffed right inside the shell filled with seasoned beef, lettuce, tomato, even more cheese and reduced fat sour cream.  Reduced fat to make sure it still fits in with your diet i guess.  Either way, enjoy this fake ass Mexican debacle because your actual real ass sure won’t!

And that’s it for me today kids! i hope you all enjoyed my politics less blog, good lord i know Miceli is happy i didn’t drop any much needed knowledge on his dome piece today even though he needs it.  But make sure you join me next week as i hit a major milestone, my Four Hundred and Twentieth blog!  Because if you liked my 4/19 blog you’re gonna love blog number 4/20!

Cya next Tuesday! – @migueljose_85

 

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