One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back. – Carl Sagan

23 Feb


What is up kids?

So like the title says i don’t even know what to say today.  Trump has been winning the last few primaries, proving that most Republicans want a racist bigot for their President.  And one who literally doesn’t explain ANY of his nonsense plans and who hates immigrants even though he’s married to one that is half the age of his first wife.  In addition there was another brutal shooting as a white Uber driver killed 6 people but once again nothing will be done or said about gun violence in this country.  And Amazon has upped it’s minimum requirements from spending $35 to get free shipping to $49 which is a SEVERE kick to the balleen area.
And i gotta say, all of this has me quite down lately which makes it pretty tough to write a comedy blog.  i mean what do i tell a country that is so fooled by Trump’s bull$hit bravado that they actually are voting for him to be our President?  He’s a born rich f*ck who doesn’t even PRETEND to care about anyone but other rich people and/or himself.  Not only that, he pushes all of the worst stereotypes of our country, the ones where we are just big brash loudmouth know it all, know nothings that thinks it’s okay to bully everyone without listening or caring about their opinions.  Which is a fine point of view when you’re someone’s racist uncle, but for that to be the point of view of our possible President?  It’s just straight up insanity and i want no part of it.
But it is Tuesday, and it’s time for me to bring the gddamn money to all of you so that’s exactly what i’m going to do.  So enjoy today’s Random Nonsense which is funny as f*ck if i do say so myself, and hopefully by the time i’m done giving you these free ha ha’s i’ll be in a better mood then i am now.  It’s worth a shot anyway!


– Just like women’s pubic hair in the late 90’s, the Bush dynasty is OVER.  Which i’m hoping means we won’t have to go to a THIRD pointless war in Iraq but at this point with so many Republicans that are dumb enough to vote for Trump i’m not holding my breath.  And this is even after Trump just said he wanted to punch a protestor in the face at his last rally, which while kinda funny also shows what an unprofessional ahole bully this guy is and how wildly unqualified he is to be our President.

But Jeb exclamation point, you had one of the worst campaigns of all time although at least you wasted over a hundred million dollars of some ahole donors money.  So for achieving that honor there’s only one thing left to say to you…


And if for some reason in hell the people in this country aren’t smart enough to vote for Bernie Sanders, even though he’s the only one admitting that our entire system is bull$hit and he’s the only one who isn’t just a rich f*ck pretending to care about the working class and instead he is the exact opposite and he is in fact someone who has fought for the middle class his entire life.  If he doesn’t win the nomination there is only ONE other candidate that will get my support…

– Why do people think it’s okay to ask women when they plan on having kids?  Is there any more personal decision then that to ask someone that for some reason society has decided it’s socially okay to do so?  People realize what having a baby entails, don’t they?  You don’t just HAVE a baby, the first thing that needs to happen is a man has to put his P in your V and leave a pie of the cream variety inside your naughty hole.

And as if that part wasn’t personal enough, having a baby also means a woman has to sacrifice her body for 9 months with no alcohol or drugs to help out her when in fact that is when she needs both things the most.  And not only that, even after her egg gets fertilized by gooey sperm and after the 9 months of nothing but pain and agony and the absolute JOY of childbirth where an 8 pound human being spends hours squeezing out of your holiest of holies in what can be an over 24 hour process, then all you need to do is afford all of the medical bills and pampers and crib and carseat and doctors bills as well as childcare and then school for the next 18 years before college… and for some reason people think it’s okay to just ask women when ALL of this is going to happen?  Sometimes i just don’t get it kids, i just don’t.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Is there anything worse then when you get invited to a wedding and they make you sit through an actual “Mass” before the ceremony?  Really people?  Your cocktail hour better have lobster tails, skirt steak and i’d better get a “happy ending” before dinner if you’re going to make me sit through church for an hour.  It’s bad enough i know neither of you go to church and that you constantly lied to your priest during pre cana, now you’re gonna make my unholy a$$ sit through church to make me feel like a real piece of $hit?  You’d better never get divorced because me and apparently your God will never forgive you!

OMG miguel this is the most offensive blog EVER!!!  How dare you speak about the Lord and our God like this!!!”

Oh relax my touchy religious friends.  i’m not trying to be offensive to your God.  i’m just asking some questions and making funny observations and i’m honestly not even trying to offend anyone for once.  i just don’t think anything is off limits when it comes to comedy, not even God.  And i think it’s only fair that if you are going to believe in a holy entity and All Powerful Being that no one has ever seen then i should be allowed to poke gentle fun as long as i do it in a hilarious way which i have obviously done.

– Sometimes in life it can feel like you’re trapped, and all of the walls are closing in on you.  And you’re also extremely obese and butt naked inside a cardboard box.  And sure some of you might not know what i’m talking about, but others especially this next entry into The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! know EXACTLY what i mean.  And if you still have no f*cking clue first of all i don’t blame you, but more importantly this picture should hopefully clear things up as i give to you Bloodhound Gang and “Hefty Fine”

And on that beautiful note that is it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, or at least one that is WAY better then the tone i used to start off today’s blog.  But make sure you tell all of your friends/enemies about how gddamn f*cking funny i am and have them read it too! Or don’t and break my heart and put me in an even worse mood, it’s up to you.

Cya next Tuesday w/ an all new blog!  – miguel jose


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