i’m a newlywed, not a divorcee and everything i do is funky like Lee Dorsey. – Beastie Boys “Sure Shot”

26 Jan


What is up kids?

So did everyone survive that insane blizzard we had last weekend?  Holy $hitballs did we get straight DOUCHED with a ton of snow!  Although i have to admit i didn’t mind this storm at all, because lucky for me i spent the majority of it on my comfy couch with my beautiful wife as we ate delicious food and watched Neftlix all gdammn day and night without a care in the world!

Although speaking of that, i know for some of you it’s weird to hear me talk about “my wife,” especially since most of the time on this blog i have spent talking about being a single and immature ahole who loves nothing more then doing power hours of natty light while playing beer pong and ordering Turvino’s bacon Sicilian pizza before getting sick and eventually throwing up on all fours in the shower pushing food chunks through the drain as i constantly raved about my creepy crush on the barely legal Kate Upton …

And with all of that in mind i’m sure it was a surprise to many of you when i told you that i have decided to settle down and grow up and marry the girl i love.  In fact, i bet a bunch of you still don’t believe it!  “You got that right miguel, none of us can believe it!  And not just because you’re an immature bag of douche who was basically a pedophile writing about crushes on young tween girls when you’re 57 years old, but mostly we were surprised because we always secretly thought you were half a fag and that if you were ever to get married it’d be in a state that allows same sex marriages so you could become the loving bottom you always dreamed you would be!”

Oh cause i’m gay, right?  So funny!  Although i don’t think you’re allowed to say that “F” word anymore so you should probably watch it.  But the truth is that until now i have always felt the same way as you guys, as i did always think i might be gay.  Especially when i saw Titanic for the first time and imagined myself laying there naked wearing that large diamond as Leo painted a masterpiece that is naked me.  NO! i didn’t feel the same way about that!  What i meant was that until i met my current wife i also thought i’d never be mature enough to take this next step, and by next step i mean not being the 35 year old guy who lives in his parents basement yelling about Ma ,where’s the meatloaf?!

The truth is that being ready for marriage isn’t about being mature enough or old enough, although that’s kind of a lie because being mature definitely doesn’t hurt and being older DOES help because no one in their right mind should get married in their 20’s.  NO ONE!  Alright fine, maybe a few of you are able to do it.  But that’s like saying hey, some people play the lottery and win sometimes so i’m going to spend all of my money on scratch offs and become a millionaire!

The problem with getting married in your 20’s is that almost all of us are still figuring ourselves out at this age, so starting a relationship with another person still figuring themselves out as well and then planning to keep that relationship for the REST OF YOUR LIFE seems crazy when you don’t have an idea what your own life is about yet.  i mean yeah we were all know it all 20 year olds with the answers to everything, but it’s not until your 30’s that you realize oh wait, i don’t know $hit about $hit!  And it is then and only then that you have a better idea of yourself and the world so now, possibly, you can be ready to share the rest of your life with someone else.

Look at this way, your 20’s are your caterpillar phase.  And you may be so in love with someone at that time and want to be with them forever, but once you cocoon it up and become a butterfly it’s only after that hugemongous change that you may now find you feel differently about yourself and the world which may also mean you feel differently about who you’re with as well.  And then you’re left saying to the person you once loved with all of your heart… LATER DICK!

But yeah i never bothered with any of that marriage nonsense when i was younger because i knew i wasn’t ready, and i knew i hadn’t found the right person yet.  And by right person i mean my best friend, my partner in crime, someone who would not only not judge me for drinking and boozing and drugging too much but would also join in with me on the fun and make me feel like a pu$$y for wanting to stay home instead of going out to party at bars.  What i wanted and needed my whole life is someone i’m in love with who is also my #1 fan, someone i can go out and party my face off with and have as much fun with them as i do when we sit on the couch unshowered and order food and not move once all day.

And AMAINGLY i did find all of that which is why i’m now married and wasn’t nervous about doing so once.  Why would i be?  i feel like you’d only be nervous if it didn’t feel right or if you weren’t completely in love and/or felt that love the same way back.  Which is why i guess i was never nervous, because i never felt any of that.  And i guess that’s why i made the greatest decision ever to finally grow up and take this next step with the girl i love, and i ain’t never looking back!


– So i know i’ve only been married for a short time but i’m pretty sure that i’ve already figured out what the biggest obstacle is that ALL couples end up facing eventually, and that’s trying to watch movies together!  Because let’s face it ladies, despite all of your best efforts once you are on a couch and a television is on, unless there are real housewives from a city of your choosing you are most likely falling asleep before said program is over.  And not only that, as you’re falling asleep you’ll only get madder at madder at your significant other “glancing” over at you while checking to see if the inevitable has already happened, despite the fact that we all know how this story is going to end!

And it is with this relationship buster in mind that Netflix has come to the rescue, as they have just invented a pair of socks that pause your show in case you fall asleep!  That’s right, no more annoying boyfriends/spouses checking on you every 2 minutes to see if you’ve finally passed out, these socks can detect when you’ve fallen asleep for good and pause the show you’re watching for you so you don’t have to!

And i know it’s still every early in the new year but for real, give the Nobel Peace Prize to whoever invented this product now!  Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time they gave out the Nobel Peace Prize a little too early…

– So has everyone been sticking to their new years resolutions that they made for the new year?  “No miguel, i NEVER make new years resolutions!  They are the stupidest thing ever!  Why wait for a new year to try and make improvements for yourself, either try to better yourself or don’t but don’t use stupid new years as an excuse to do it and then just fail anyway!”

Wow Polly Positive, what a terrible way to look at this!  Because i’ll be honest, i’m a HUGE fan of new years resolutions.  In fact, i’m a fan of any attempt that people make to try to better themselves, and why wouldn’t i be?  i don’t care if you use New Years, Christmas, or even gddamn Arbor day to decide to start and make better changes in your life but just DO IT!  And don’t listen to all of the Negative Nellies trying to talk you out of it saying you’ll just fail eventually.  The only difference between trying and failing and not trying at all is that at least if you try there’s a chance you’ll succeed whereas if you do nothing you can expect nothing.  And who knows?  Maybe this time when you try you will actually make a change for the better that sticks, and if not who cares at least you f*cking tried SOMETHING which in itself is a little victory!  And isn’t that all we want in life, just one little victory?

– If writing this blog makes me wrong then i don’t want to be right, but one thing that is DEFINITELY wrong is our next entry into   The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  This one comes to us form Vincent Capretta, a man who knows that it is only the beauty of our future that truly matters and that what is in our past is to be left behind us.  And he also knows how to rock some money daisy dukes!  And this is why Vincent Capretta asks the most pressing question of our time, “Who’s looking back?”

 A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Hachee Machees”

Fast Food Tips – McDonalds has been pulling out all of the stops to try and increase business lately, and by pulling out all of the stops i mean they’ve been doing EVERYTHING possible to get their usual uneducated and willing to eat anything customers to forget the fact that they are basically selling grade F dog meat and whatever the complete opposite of cage free vegetarian fed chicken is and passing it off as actual “food.”  So their new plan is to take their one tried and true favorite menu item by all which of course is their French fries and douse them with either milk chocolate or white chocolate if you’re racist.  As of now they are only available in Japan so say sayonara to the states and your health and when you’re finally eating this monster say hi to Godzilla for me!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i’ll be back here next Tuesday with a brand new blog, but before i bounce i want to say happy birthday to my best friend, my brother from another mother and the Badd Ass to my Road Dogg my boy Jay John!  You may know him from the extremely atheist religious posts on my Here Comes the Money… Facebook page but i know him as the guy who got me into A Tribe Called Quest and for being my HNIC for as long as i can remember.  So happy birthday hermano!  i hope it’s the money!

Cya next Tuesday!  – miguel josé



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