Today me will live in the moment. Unless it is unpleasant, in which case me will eat a cookie. – Cookie Monster

17 Nov


What is up kids?

So there are definitely times when i find it hard to write a comedy blog, and after what happened in Paris last weekend this is most certainly one of those times.  Because what happened in Paris was an absolute tragedy, and to think of all of the innocent people who lost their lives and then trying to write a blog about binge drinking and “Things guys never want to hear at a urinal” and Fast Food Tips seems a little rough…


But the truth is that when times are the roughest and/or darkest those are the times when we need comedy the most, because unfortunately no matter what we do to protect ourselves some really f*cked up $hit is going to happen sometimes.   i mean there are over 7 billion people on this planet and many of them believe in an invisible God that no one has ever seen, and some of those invisible Gods think it’s okay to kill other people, or at least that’s the way the psychos understand it. 

And ISIS is obviously a bunch of brain dead hate filled murderers who all deserve to be put to death by the anal rape of an angry overweight large gay man with a 12 inch cock and an unlimited supply of Viagra.  And they’re also cowards, because attacking innocent people in public places is easily the biggest pu$$y move you can pull.  Well that and being a so called “great” rapper who finds the need to make fun of female pop music stars because it gives you more street cred i guess?

And i obviously get the feeling and the need for revenge, but the idea that we can just send a bunch of troops and drop a bunch of bombs to fix the problem isn’t the correct one.  Because first of all we’ve been doing that plenty already, as the United States alone has had SEVERAL bomb strikes against these soulless f*ckers and it doesn’t seem like we plan to stop these bombings any time soon.

But what people need to realize is that we’re not fighting just a group of people or a certain location on a map.  We are fighting an IDEA and that makes things WAY more difficult.  Because if this was just a matter of finding all of the people in ISIS and then ripping off all of their testicles and shoving them down their throat until they choke and die then i’d say let’s go f’n do it already!  But fighting an idea with weapons is extremely tough, because only people can be killed with bombs but their ideas can still live on.  And if when bombing ISIS we happen to kill civilians which happens ALL of the time, then don’t you realize that the people who knew and loved those innocent people might then hate America and pick up their cause and then start another wave of ISIS soldiers?  Just a thought.

And to all of those Republicans who say “WE REFUSE TO TAKE IN SYRIAN REFUGEES INTO OUR STATES!” that is totally fine.  But when you do so PLEASE don’t also tell me that you believe in Jesus or any of his teachings.  Because if you believe that Jesus Christ would turn his back on anyone let alone innocent refugees freeing the violence in their country then you obviously don’t understand one thing that he preaches.  And yes i get that it is possible for terrorists to sneak in that way so we need a better way to vet the people who come in.  But i also know that there are many innocent women and children that are refugees and you’re still saying we shouldn’t let them in either?  So fine, you can still say that if you want.  But either say we shouldn’t let in refugees or you can say that you believe in Jesus’ love but you are not allowed to say both.  That hypocrisy i don’t allow.

But whatever, i understand people are angry and upset and those are very powerful emotions that are hard to control.  And i also get that after 9/11 i was also angry and upset and when we went to war with Afghanistan and then Iraq i was all for it because we have to get revenge for what happened to us!  But in the end what did America do?  We went to a war over false pretenses and we took out an evil dictator without ANY plan on what to do afterwards and now that country is in even worse shape then before we were there and that’s exactly where and how ISIS got created.  So maybe this time we can learn our lesson and think before we try to just respond with violence.  Or maybe not and then we’ll see what happens i guess, although my guess is it will be nothing good.  Or at least not as good as these cookies i’m about to eat!


–  So i have something i have to admit to you all, and it’s something that may be a little surprising to some of you.  And it’s that even though i have said that Donald Trump is a big pile of steaming racist $hit who deserves a Walking Dead type zombie death, the truth is i don’t know if i really think he’s an actual racist.  i mean sure he said that all Mexicans are murderers and rapists and that he supports “Operation Wetback,” and he also thinks building a wall between us and Mexico is a good idea.

But the truth is deep down, i don’t know if Trump really hates Mexicans.  What i honestly believe is that he’s a super rich sociopath who knows how to speak to the dumb uninformed masses.  And if saying outlandish things like all Mexicans are murderers and that he supports rounding up millions of Mexicans and their families into trains and buses at gunpoint and sending them back will get him the support of ignorant angry white voters who love hearing a loud mouth know nothing whose only talents are becoming rich on the money his daddy gave him and dating women half his age who would be thrown out of this country due to his own immigrant plan then honestly, good for him.   i almost kind of respect Trump, because he’s the first Republican Presidential candidate to openly and blatantly reach out to his racist ignorant base, and since that is what most Republicans have become these days it would make sense that he leads in most polls.  And i guess if you’re going to run on the ignorance and hate of the uninformed people in this country who aren’t smart enough to see through his garbage then i guess these people are getting the voice they want and deserve.  So maybe, just maybe, if you want to tell me Trump isn’t a racist then i might just believe you.  But the people who support him and want to vote for him sure are!

– i’m not a Ronda Rousey fan by any stretch, and in fact i was actually hoping she’d lose this past weekend when she went up against Holly Holm.  Not for any reason really, except for the fact that i thought Ronda came off as a bitch on the UFC reality show “The Ultimate Fighter.”  And also because it seemed like EVERYONE was on her bandwagon and as soon as that happens i will almost always root against them because liking the same thing or person as everyone else is mad boring to me.

However, now that she has lost and all of the HATERS have come out of the woodwork and are mocking Ronda mercilessly i have to admit i kinda feel bad for her.  So any of the enjoyment that i thought i would get if and when Ronda finally lost never came to me, and if anything i just have pity for the former champ and possibly greatest woman fighter of all time.

That being said, i still have no problem saying…


– Just because one is religious and close to God does NOT mean they can’t whoop some ass!  Not only that, it also means you are a great nominee as one of the The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!   And i can think of no saint more deserving then Father Mike Crain the Karatist Preacher and “GOD’S POWER!”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So while it’s true that people who live home with their parents don’t have to pay any rent, what people forget is that instead they are paying with their mental sanity that they will most likely never get back.  And by most likely i mean they are scarred for life.   And the worst part is you barely save any money.  All the money you save on rent you spend going out to bars and drinking your face off to try and forget what lunatics your parents are.  Which is probably the reason that every time people move home for “a few months” that ends up turning into them staying there way into their late 30’s.  “MA! Where’s the Meatloaf!  F*CK!”

Fast Food Tips – When i think of Thanksgiving i only think of one thing, and that’s eating so much delicious food that i end up laying down with my pants unbuttoned watching football as the people in the Chinese restaurant wonder who i am and what i’m doing there by myself.  But the second thing i think of is White Castle!  Which is great because this year they are releasing their new turkey sliders and sweet potato fries to fill my stomach as well as the hole in my heart that i have from having to spend Thanksgiving alone once again.  Which means it’s win win!

They have 3 different types, the turkey dinner slider, the cranberry turkey slider, and the bistro turkey slider if you want to keep things classy.  So go enjoy all 3 along with the sweet potato fries so you too can have the full Thanksgiving experience before you end up in the bathtub with a warm book, some calming bubbles and a sharp razor!

And that’s it for me today kids!  There’s only going to be one or two more blogs left this year, as i have a few things coming up in my life and it’s just going to be too busy and crazy to find the time to get out the free ha ha’s.  But i hope you enjoyed today’s despite the depressing topic, i’ll try to keep them lighter before i’m done in 2015!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go “LIKE” my Here Comes the Money Facebook page!


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