There will be a time, not so far from now, that you will look back on this phase of your life and instead of condemning it or beating up on it… instead of blaming or guilting, you will feel appreciation for it. Because you will understand that a renewed desire for life was born out of this time period that will bring you to physical heights that you could not have achieved without the contrast that gave birth to this desire. – Abraham Hicks

20 Oct


What is up kids?

So first of all i want to apologize for not posting a new blog last week, as well as posting today’s blog late as well.  i know many of you (especially a certain fan of mine from Suffern) REALLY look forward to my blogs and i can’t imagine the heartbreak you must have felt when i didn’t have anything for you last Tuesday. 

Hopefully though you didn’t tie the noose around your neck too tight or make those indents on your wrists and jugular TOO deep, because despite a one week hiatus i’m back to fill your comedy and knowledge holes with goodness so i hope you’re all ready!

But the real reason i took off last week is because a LOT of $hit has been going down for your not so humble and sexy narrator, and unfortunately i can’t get into all of it now.  Please just know that i’m not done with this blog by any means and that i’m still standing, yeah yeah yeah.  And i get knocked down, and i get up again.  You’re never going to bring me down!

And yeah i hate that i don’t have to time to get into everything right now because SO MUCH has happened since my last blog!  Forget about me personally, since we’ve last spoke the heroic New Jersey Devils got their first win of the season against those classless aholes the New York Rangers in Madison Square Garden, which means as of now the Devils are UNDEFEATED against the Rangers this year!

But even more important then all of that, the New York Mets are now 2 games away from the World Series!  Holy f*cking $hitballs everyone, who can f*ckin believe it?!? Not me.  Not Mi-guel.  Because after a lifetime of awfulness and embarrassment of being a Mets fan we FINALLY have an amazing team with incredible pitching and great timely hitting as well as the most handsome bunch of men around!  Not that that should have anything to do with it, and in fact i’m a little surprised i just admitted how i truly feel about these sexy male ball players to all of you.  But i’m a grown man who has grown up feelings about other men, and i happen to like rainbow Doritos as well which i also don’t feel bad about admitting.  Don’t judge me!

But the truth is even with all of these once in a lifetime sports moments going on, none of this has to do with what’s been going on with me.  And again i feel bad but i’m just not ready to admit any of it now, other then my crush on a certain 2nd basemen for the Mets who has been carrying this team on his back and also looks like he’d be a great cuddler.

But from the most horrifically depressing news that I’ve ever heard to the most incredibly amazing and life changing news EVER my emotions and thoughts are on this crazy roller coaster that i just can’t seem to slow down right now, nor have i figured out a way to express them to anyone in person let alone here on this blog.  So i’ll try to get into it more or at all on my next rant, but if i don’t you’re gonna have to just forgive me because that’s the only option i’m giving you.

In the meantime however, enjoy the Random Nonsense and forget what they predicted in Back to the Future 2 about the Cubs winning the World Series because the future is about to change!


– Speaking of Back to the Future 2, tomorrow is officially the day that Marty and Doc arrived in the “future” which is weird to say because we’ve actually reached this date in real life.  And if i’m being honest some of their predictions were just a “tad” off…

But in honor of this sacred event, enjoy our VHS Breakdown episode of Back to the Future, which to date is still the only 2 part episode we’ve ever done!  You’re welcome!

– To every owner of a company that has an office… give all of your employees free coffee for the love of God!  And not just that, make sure you always have plenty of cream and sugar on hand in the kitchen too.  i mean we all get that you don’t give a $hit about your employees and would pay them all less if not nothing if you could get away with it.  But while we are there working for you, can you at least jack us up on free caffeine so we can continue to make you millions while we struggle to live paycheck to paycheck?  i mean honestly, free coffee only helps YOU out!  The more coffee we drink the more productive we’ll be and the more money we’ll make you.  Why would you want to deny us the only legal drug we can do that allows us to stay awake and do more work?

And yes i said FREE coffee, because the least you could do is not charge us for getting extra work for you done.  You are the one who reaps all of the benefits from it while all we get is high blood pressure and yellow coffee stained teeth and bad breath along with diabetes from all of the sugar we take in.  And you know what?  We’re all fine with all of that!  Just give it to us for free please!  And oh yeah if you do charge your employees for coffee you’re an ungrateful cheap dirtbag who is obviously too dumb to get the most out of his unhappy employees.  So good luck with that jerks!

– So i’m not an extremely religious person by any means, although i did grow up a “CAPE” catholic like a lot of other Americans.  A CAPE catholic being someone who only goes to church on Christmas, Ash wednesday, Palm sunday and Easter.  But despite my only faint leanings towards faith i have to admit that even i am surprised with how much the Republican party DESPISES our new Pope, Pope Francis.  i always thought that Republicans were supposed to be the religious party, the fanatics throwing God into every argument about everything.  And if there was one person they always agreed with and always stood behind no matter what it was the Pope.  But for some reason they really seem to hate everything that this new Pope stands for.  You know, being for immigration, being against Capitalism since it only profits the super rich, caring about climate change because it’s one of if not THE biggest threats that humanity faces, and actually showing love towards gays and even atheists despite the fact that we were taught that they are all supposed to go to HELL…

This new Pope on the other hand is more like this other guy who believes in that same kind of stuff… you know, what’s his name.  Oh yeah, Jesus Christ!  This Pope seems WAY more in line of the teachings of that Jesus guy, and now that he’s doing that Republicans don’t seem to like him as much and are saying we shouldn’t listen to him. So maybe, just maybe, all of these so called religious Republican fanatics weren’t really fanatic about God and Jesus and religion and they were really just fanatical about being Republicans?  Just a thought, and a great one at that!

– So if you noticed before when i was talking about my amazingly great sports weekend i didn’t happen to bring up the New York Giants who were EMBARRASSED by those dirtbag Philadelphia Eagles.  And another thing you’ll notice is that i never speak bad about Eli Manning, even when he throws more interceptions then Tony Romo in the 4th quarter of a game that actually matters.  And the reason for this is because to me Eli Manning is a GOD and is basically infallible and can do no wrong.  i feel towards Eli the same way Republicans used to feel about the Pope, until we got one who actually teaches what Jesus taught i mean.

But those two Superbowls Eli Manning won were the GREATEST moments in my life, and he can throw 100 interceptions every game from today till i die and i still won’t care he’s the gddamn f*cking BEST!  And all Giants fans should feel this way, because without Eli we’d be one of those horrible organizations that haven’t won a championship since the 90’s like the Dallas Cowboys, or even worse we could have NEVER won one like those horrific Eagles!  Either way, all of you need to thank GOD for Eli and even when he’s throwing picks left and right and looking like a confused ahole on the field just remember that when there was only one set of footprints it was because Eli was carrying us!

Fast Food Tips –  Have any of you tried the Black Whopper yet?  i’ll tell you right now i did and they are wrong, because i did go black and i’m NOT going back…

Fast Food Tips DOS – If you’re like me, you’re a broke overweight Hispanic guy who loves the New York Mets, hates the New York Rangers and likes to keep things classy as F*CK.  And while it may not always be the coolest thing to do to take your new girl through a Burger King drive thru on your first date, that’s all about to change as the King has introduced it’s very own wine!  And what better way to keep it classy as to drink wine made from the grapes of people who eat greasy disgusting Burger King all day and then step on them with their unshowered feet!  It’s win win!  And by “win” i mean i’ll make sure to pour some wine out on your tombstone in honor of your horrific diarrhea filled death.

And that’s it for me today kids!  Thanks for reading and hopefully laughing, and i promise i’ll do my best to not miss anymore weeks without a heads up.  But i hope you’re all doing great, i hope you enjoyed the free laughs and knowledge from my dome piece and i’ll see all of you next Tuesday for an all new blog!  Hopefully!

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