There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her… because the kid can tell. – Amy Schumer

18 Aug


THE BLOG WHERE i’M GETTING OLD AS F*CK


What is up kids!

Whoo hoo birthday boy!”  Yeah yeah, tomorrow’s my birthday.  Although whoever took the under on whether or not i would make it to this age alive go f yourself, you lost!  i don’t blame you for taking that bet though, the odds were heavily in your favor.

And yes i plan to go to work tomorrow too.  “Why in hell would you go to work on your birthday???”  i’ll tell you why, person who interrupts me even on my birthday blog.  It’s because i’m an attention needing whore.  Some people i know see their birthday as a day they don’t want to do anything so they always take off of work that day.  Personally, i’d rather just go in late like i will tomorrow.  This way i can sleep late so it’s not like i’m waking up early on my birthday, and then i can go in and get all of the attention that i deserve for being the money.  Who’s going to give me that attention if i take the day off and sit in my room and whack off and play video games all day?  No one, that’s who.  So yeah, i always come in late the day of my birthday so everyone can tell me how much they love me and then i always take the day AFTER my birthday off so i can party all night and recover the next day or three.  And that’s how you do it kids.

Wow, now that you explain it you really are an attention craving ahole!“.  No f’n $hit buddy, have you noticed this hilarious blog i put out every week?  So yeah the other 364 days i’m just an attention needing mother f’er, but today it’s my birthday and i deserve it so i want all that i can get!

i gots tons of stuff to do today so i’m gonna end this rant early, but if anyone wants to party it up with me i’m having a party at Copia in NYC tonight.  $30 open bar from 9-12, WHOOPS!  Man i wish it was here already…

What is up ADULTS?

i’ll tell you what’s up, and that’s me in gddamn age.  i can’t believe i turn 30 tomorrow!  And by 30 i mean i’m really turning 37, which hurts me more to write then it does to even say.  Mostly because if you’ve noticed i always kinda act shady on my blog when admitting my age, mostly because i don’t want people to realize what an old ass f*ck i am.  

So old in fact, that what you just read above was my rant for my first birthday blog ever back on August 19th 2011.  Although that can’t be too hard to believe, can it?  Me having an open bar party at Copia in NYC?  Who am i kidding, i’m going to watch the season finale of season 6 of the incredibly disappointing “Sons of Anarchy” on Netflix and eat a pizza and go to bed before 11.  And i go to bed before 11 now because Jon Stewart quit his show and there’s no reason to stay up that late anymore.

LATER STEWART!

But yeah before i get to the nonsense, i’d like to leave you with a bit about birthdays from one of my favorite comics growing up, Larry Miller.  Instead of me trying to come up with some new witty take on birthdays i’m gonna be lazy and just post a classic from him.  And normally you could tell me that i’m ghetto for doing this but you need to be nice to me today because for the one millionth time it’s my motherf’n birthday tomorrow suckas!!

Larry Miller’s take on aging:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!


May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!


RANDOM NONSENSE

– The biggest problem with dieting is that when you eat perfectly good for 3 days you don’t drop like 25 pounds you drop like 2, MAYBE.  And that’s not enough for all of the hell we put ourselves through, is it?  i mean that’s why we can’t diet for too long, we don’t lose enough weight and that misery doesn’t compare with the absolute JOY one feels when shoving a sausage pizza slice down your fat throat as you wash it down with a Coke and some cheese fries with gravy and some Cheetos (the CRUNCHY ones not the puffy ones!) and then you eat a steak and an Italian sub with extra mayo and finish with rocky road ice cream.  MAYBE if you dropped a ton of weight every single day you dieted you would keep it up and not succumb to the pressure involved with all of the foods i just mentioned,  MAYBE…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  If there’s one thing i dig about getting older it’s not having to do my laundry at a laundromat anymore.  Isn’t that the WORST??? i actually have less respect for people who have never had to do their laundry at a laundromat, because they don’t know the struggle the rest of us have had to deal with.  Like for example, the fact that every Laundromat is THE SHADIEST PLACE ON EARTH! 

There are always nothing but the ugliest and creepiest people ever around, you always put your laundry in and then leave and when you come back there are no dryers available.  And you’re always pretty sure someone tries on your underwear when you’re not around.  And i don’t mean after it’s been cleaned!

And of course these machines don’t take debit cards and you have to go looking for quarters like you’re a teenager in the 80’s playing video games.  But yeah speaking of the 80’s getting old sucks my balleens but never having to go to the laundromat again is the moneyest thing ever!  Although can anyone explain to me why it’s spelled laundromat and not “laundrymat?” i just can’t figure it out…

“Facebook Etiquette”-

Fast Food Tips –  So if you didn’t know already Burger King has brought back their “infamous” chicken fries, although i’m guessing you do know because sales haven’t been this good for BK since forever now that they’ve brought them back.  

So if you like that nonsense i’m assuming you’re gonna super like their new “fiery” chicken fries which are a spicy and fun way to put more anguish on your old balloon knot.  A little more more flame in your heiney.  A little punishment in your butt cheeks.  A little more hurtin on your squirtin.  Okay that’s enough.  But yeah i haven’t tried them yet because like i said before i’m dieting and not eating fast food so i’ll probably eat them this weekend and get back to you next blog on how they were later.  

And that it for my youth kids!  It’s kinda crazy to think of the changes that are going to come up this next year of my life, but that’s what it’s really all about, isn’t it?  Nothing constant in this life but change, which someone pretty famous or important once said but i remember it most from the pothead kid on the hookah episode of  “Bar Rescue” who said it after getting yelled at by Jon Taffer.  And speaking of Taffer it’s time to Shut this Blog down!  So i’ll cya next Tuesday with an all new blog when i’m year older but not wiser!  And oh yeah, it’s my birthday so for my birthday present share this with everyone you know!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85




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