You see i’m somewhere in between my love and my agony. You see i’m somewhere in between, my life is falling to pieces… somebody put me together. – Faith No More "Falling to Pieces"

11 Aug

What is up kids?

Do you know what i love?  Puppy dogs and rainbows!  i just think they’re so cute and furry and beautiful and it makes me so happy i cry tears of joy and happiness out of my earballs!  Isn’t love and goodness just so great and grand?  i’m so filled with rays of sunshine all i can sing is happy happy joy joy!

Ugh, AGAIN with the sappy garbage on your rants?  Let me guess, you love your girl and your parents and your friends and you need to tell us AGAIN how amazingly awesome your life is.  Whatever happened to the miguel jose who did power hours and played beer pong on Tuesday nights until he ordered late night White Castle and ended up puking sliders and Natty light out of every orifice in his body before collapsing on all fours in the shower pushing puke chunks through the drain before somehow making it to work the next day and doing it all over again?  Is he straight up dead??

No, he’s not dead.  In fact you’ll be happy to know he’s alive and well, and coming off a fine performance at a Faith No More concert at the Theater in MSG where i pregamed HEAVILY drinking $5 cans of Natty light at a bar across the street along with several shots of Jim Beam Fireball .  Which definitely isn’t as good as regular Fireball but still pretty delicious.  And that’s before stumbling into the show and taking turns peeing inside the building in a corner in front of everyone because who has the time or energy to walk to an actual bathroom like a human being?  As we boozed and partied all night before finally going home but not before i stopped at Wendys for a chicken sandwich and a JBC that i ate on the way home and then walked to the dumpster outside my place and threw up everything i just ate into the same bag that the Wendy’s came in and i left it neatly in the garbage before getting to my home and passing out only to throw up again the following morning in my toilet bowl.  “But miguel jose, what’s a JBC?”  C’mon son, it’s a junior bacon cheeseburger.  Grow up.  

Haha just kidding, not all of that story was true.  i actually ate more then that, i also got a 5 piece nuggets with bbq sauce that i ate as well.  i don’t want to leave that part of the story out only for the truth the come out later!

But yeah i’ve been writing a lot about all of the “grown up” things that i’ve been having/doing and i’ve realized that i’ve made some of you (Rob) sick.  So enjoy this disgusting nonsensical rant my brother, it’s almost as immature and horrible as the New York Rangers playoff run!


– If you’re a republican, it’s gotta be a little bit ridiculous to you that Trump is heavily leading your polls as your republican nominee, right?  Like horrifically embarrassing?  Like being a Jets fan embarrassing?  Because for real, he hates minorities, immigrants, women, and poor people.  So yes if you’re a white male we all understand why you love him…

But you repubs should be a little more pissed off that he’s the person representing the best of what your party has to offer, especially when literally ANYONE is probably better.  Well except Jeb Bush, who constantly reminds us of his last name by the dumb way he acts.  Or Marco Rubio who is a joke, or Ted Cruz who’s like a lame impersonation of Donald Trump.  Or Scott Walker who has the personality of the dingle berries left on my ass after that terrible night of eating Wendys puking and $hiting that i was just talking about earlier.  Or Chris Christie who hates teachers and eating healthy and is so hated by his own state i can’t imagine whY that fat bag of bullying douche thinks he can be in charge of them all.  And he’s fat.  But yeah i guess now that i say all of their names i can see how Donald Trump is leading your polls, you guys don’t have one decent candidate.  Definitely no one like Bernie Sanders!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So if i did become rich, like Mega Millions rich or hopefully “blog” rich someday, i’ve pretty much decided i will only have “white’ maids.  Is that racist?  i just really like the idea of white people cleaning up all my $hit and mowing my lawn and making me food and stuff.  And the funny things is, i don’t even think they’d be that great.  Like i actually think it would make more sense to have minorities as my maids because they would do a better job and take more pride in their work.  i feel like white people half ass everything and my house wouldn’t be as clean and my yard wouldn’t look as nice and my food wouldn’t taste as good if i had all white maids, but i still don’t care because that’s all i want and that’s all i would hire.  Alright fine, i’ll admit somewhere in there it got pretty racist but at least i’m being honest!  Get to work you crackers!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i always forget to pull my zipper up on my pants in the morning.  i have no idea why, i always remember to wake up, eat breakfast, shave, and even shower. “Shower? Yeah right you dirty Mexi…” relax with that one, that’s too easy and you’re better then that.  But yeah i can remember brushing my teeth, putting gel in my hair, ironing my clothes and by ironing i mean throw in the dryer while i’m in the shower to get out those wrinkles.  i put my belt on, tie my shoes, grab my jacket and lunch and out to work i go!  But i go with my zipper down and my big beefy burrito bulge busting through my pants.

And it’s usually not until i’m at work for an hour talking to that Puerto Rican janitor in the men’s room or something that i realize this, and everyday i have to do that awkward turn away and pull up motion that has to be obvious to everyone else.  But yeah if you ever want to take a sneak peek at my package just get me at work from 8-9 am because he’ll be waiting, and i’ll be embarrassed but too lazy to learn to stop!

A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Yarn Spinners” 

– If you watch Fox News and/or have a racist uncle then you’ve probably heard about the “War on Christians.”  Which is an f’n ridiculous idea because there are more Christians in this country then anyone and if we did have an “official” religion for this country it would be obviously Christian despite the fact fact that there is supposed to be separation between church and state.

ANYWAY, in this huge battle for this country’s soul there will always be intense warriors fighting for what they believe in, and the people in this week’s The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  are no different.  They are true believers, they are fighters for the cause, and most importantly they are crusaders.  Christian Crusaders!  Which is why today i’m happy to show to all of you, Christian Crusaders with former Oakland Raiders coach Al Davis!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Nothing too crazy but i feel like i’m getting a little more back to form.  And i’d better do it quick because my birthday is next week!  So enjoy the last week of my 20’s everyone, and i’ll see you next Tuesday the day before i get another year older and closer to death!  And even worse, the end of this blog!!!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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