i live my life a quarter mile at a time. Nothing else matters: not the mortgage, not the store, not my team and all their bull$hit. For those ten seconds or less, i’m free. – Vin Diesel – "The Fast and the Furious"

28 Jul

What is up kids?

So it’s time for me to get a new car, and i have to say this process is easily one of my least favorite times to go through in life.  i rank it right before getting dumped the night of my fraternity formal by my college girlfriend, and speaking of dumping i also put it right after that time i ate a Spicy Crunchwrap Supreme, two beef and bean burritos and cheesy fiesta potatoes from Taco Bell AND got an Extra large coffee from Dunkin Donuts to keep me awake on my solo ride home from down the shore and got stuck in bumper to bumper traffic.  You know, that time i had that “accident” that didn’t involve my car but did in fact leave skid marks on the Hershey highway…

But for real, this entire car buying process is the gddamn WORST and i can’t wait until it’s over.  The whole thing is nothing but dealing with shady ass car salesmen and finding out that my credit is lower then a little person in a limbo contest as you learn about carfaxes and what certified pre-owned vehicles actually mean, and work so hard just to find out what obnoxiously high car and insurance payments you’ll be making until the grand kids you don’t even have yet are all grown up and graduating college and getting their own first car.

And the thing is i know that most people don’t like this process either, and most people think they hate it.  But i like really, REALLY hate it, like with every fiber and inch of my soul.  “Wow, every inch?  You’re a large man, that must be a TON of hate!  Literally!”  See what i mean?  i hate buying a car even more then these fat jokes that actually hurt my feelings.

But i will say even though i’d rather get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled on the same day then have to buy a new car, at least i have my girl to help me figure all of this nonsense out.  For real, i’d be WAY behind on this process if it wasn’t for her, and by behind on this process i mean i’d still be stranded on the highway where my car broke down a week ago crying like a little girl with a skinned knee.  “OMG miguel you can’t make fun of girls like that anymore!  You’re being sexist and it’s offensive!”  Sorry, i meant crying like a little bitch with a skinned knee.

And yeah i am in a relationship with the girl that i love, and yes she’s going to be the one i marry once i’m smart enough to lock her up with a ring.  And yeah i never talk about it on this blog, mostly because i do remember being a lonely single basterd and it always made me mad when people who are in relationships have to brag about it all the time in public.  Because when you’re alone and miserable there is nothing worse then people who are actually in love.

And personally i have always felt that the people who take the most pictures of themselves having fun and talk nonstop about how happy they are in the relationships are the ones that are just doing it to show off to other people when their actual relationship couldn’t be further from the truth…

But i don’t do any of that nonsense especially  here on my blog because i am in a happy and money relationship.  And the only reason i don’t talk about it here is because i’m not that guy.  Or i am that guy, i’m just not that kind of blog writer or even comedian.  But with her help i’ll get this stupid new car and get past this process that i hate so much, and i’ll do it because with her i feel money and i know that i can take on the world.  She’s my best friend and i spend all day at work counting down the seconds until i see her, and i can honestly say that i’ve never been happier or more in love in my life.  

See?  This is the kind of writing you get when i’m all happy and in love and gay.  So let’s get to the nonsense already before i make you all throw up!


– So apparently being a racist ignorant bankrupting businesses ahole who makes fun of military war heroes and has zero political experience isn’t enough to stop Donald Trump from leading the Republican nominees in the polls, and i personally couldn’t be happier.  If there is anything that shows what out of touch dinosaurs the conservative tea bagging Republicans are it’s the fact there leading nominee looks like a female f*ck doll.

But it doesn’t matter, because no matter what he does he can’t hurt himself in the polls.  Even after he picked his newest running mate to be his Vice President, one that i can honestly say is truly a real American!

– Last week had National Hot Dog Day and it was also National Tequila Day on Friday as well.  And while you know after last blog how i feel about these so called “National” holidays, it is with tequila in mind that i’m happy to celebrate the 30th anniversary of my favorite Tim Burton film, “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure!”  And it also happens to be one of our best episodes of VHS Breakdown, so either watch it here or go check us out at VHSBreakdown.com where you can watch them all!

“Facebook Etiquette”-

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why on God’s green Earth do people who walk onto a bus or a train always have to come in and sit RIGHT next to you?!?  It doesn’t matter if it’s the only seat left, or if every seat is empty and you’re the only person on the bus, people always have to come by and sit RIGHT next to you.  And i say “people”, when i really mean weirdos and creepos. Creepos who smell HORRIBLE!  And who are always fat! And they are usually coughing or doing something else horrific.  Why do these f’n people come sit next to me?!?!  What vibe could i possibly be giving that makes you think i want your disgusting sweaty ass next to me???  Well i apologize for the confusion, but please get the F away from me you repulsive monster. i’d honestly rather this was the bus from “Speed,” but instead of making that big jump over the broken bridge i hope we all die in a horrible crash which would be better then spending another second next to you.

Fast Food Tips –  So Lays is doing their new potato chip flavor contest for 2015 and unlike last year they all sound delicious!  This year they have Crunchy Frog and Blue Cheese, 7th Grade Locker Room, and Placenta, which is Kettle Cooked!

Actually those were last years flavors and i got that pic from Eonline i think.  This year it’s actually West Coast Truffle Fries, New York Reuben, Southern Biscuits and Gravy and Kettle Cooked Greektown Gyro.   And if your penis just went “boooWHIP!” and your vagina just went “Splish Splash!” then you are correct because these chips are the MONEY!  Or at least the Southern Biscuits and Gyro ones are, because i tried them both and i needed to change my undershorts.  But if the other two are even close to as good i’m going to have to change my pants as well!

And that’s it for me today kids!  Wish me luck with this car buying nonsense and while you’re at it share my blog with loved ones and friends who like funny stuff because it makes me happy.  

But i hope you have a great week, remember to change your oil, good luck in this heat and i’ll cya here next Tuesday in August!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go “LIKE” my Here Comes the Money… Facebook Page!

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