I went camping recently…for this next joke. I married a woman who loves to camp and I’m what you call "indoorsy." I’m surprised we can still get people to camp. "Hey, want to burn a couple vacation days sleeping on the ground outside?" Uh, no! "What if I told you, you get to crap standing up in the woods?" I still wouldn’t want to go. "You’ll wake up freezing covered in a rash." Alright, I’ll go! – Jim Gaffigan

9 Jun

What is up kids?

So i try not to re-post blog rants as much as i can, which is a nice way of me telling you that’s exactly what i’m going to do today.  One, because i’m tired and lazy and i do what i want.  But more importantly this weekend is the weekend i go camping with my college buddies for my 15th year in a row!

And honestly there’s really nothing more fun then all of us getting together once a year, sitting by the campfire, grilling some delicious food and just and hanging with good men!

So in honor of this gay ol time, i’m going back to 2011 when i posted my first ever camping blog back when i was only at blog #49.  And if you told me then that i would be at blog 388 someday i would have never believed you!  Hell, i wouldn’t have believed if you told me i was going to live past 2011!

But enjoy this blast from the past and relieve one of my favorite rants about my one of my favorite weekends of the year.  Not everybody is lucky enough to have the friends i have, and the older i get i’ve learned to realize that these trips me more to me then i could ever tell you about.  But let me attempt to try with this “oldschool” rant that none of you remember!

What is up campers!

So i thought i was gonna save my camping blog for my next one but instead i’m going to do a look back at my experience of writing 50 blogs this Friday.  Wait, what?!?  Friday will be my 50th blog?!?!  It sure will, but let’s work on #49 for a second first, shall we?

As i alluded to in last week’s blog this weekend is my annual camping trip with my “college” friends. College being in quotes because by the time it was all said and done it took me 3 colleges to graduate, and i was only at that particular college for a year and half.  i’d like to say i went to 3 schools because that was the route i took in becoming a doctor now, i’d like to say that.  But no, apparently joining a fraternity my first semester and partying nonstop day and night and never doing homework or going to class gives you a 1.9 G.P.A. at the end of 3 semesters.  So please hold off on the “Doctor miguel jose” talk for now, unless that’s the game we are playing in the bedroom.  “i’m sorry Miss but we seem to be all out of tongue depressors at the moment….”

But yeah for the last 11 or so years (holy f*ckballs you are old!) i’ve been going with 5 of my friends on a camping trip to Port Jervis, NY at Camp Kidatouchee.  Actually the real name is Camp Kittatinny but after an “incident” year 3 (that has yet to be proven by the cops or any court of law) it will always be Camp Kidatouchee to us.  And for 11 years the basic plan has been the same.  We arrive Friday around 2ish and set up our tents and that nonsense.  We start a bonfire and start boozing and eating fantastic food that my boy Jay John makes until we get black out drunk and pass out.  Wake up semi-early and go rafting on the Delaware river for 5 hours, boozing heavily the entire time.  Nobody ever wants to paddle because we are all out of shape aholes and have never once gotten all 6 of us to paddle at the same time ever.

Then we get back to our site, nap because we are old men and then wake up and start a bonfire and booze and eat our faces off again until someone (me) throws up everywhere and wakes up next to a bear with my pants off.  Then we pack it up all up the next day, stop at Perkins for breakfast and go over the funds situation which is what we all dread and then say goodbye to not see each other for another year.

Does that sound like fun?  It should, because it is easily one of my favorite weekends of the year. Personally i love camping.  To me camping is like tailgating for a sports event, except there is no event.  But isn’t that the best part of going to a sporting event anyway, the tailgate?  i love football more then life itself but i don’t go to games because i enjoy freezing up on level 400 when i could easily be at home on my couch in warmth watching all the games on the Red Zone channel and checking my fantasy football stats nonstop as i sit in a pile of my own filth and stink and buffalo wings.  The only real fun part of the football game is the tailgating.  The grilling, the boozing, the blazing.  Just lamping out and enjoying life.  And that’s what camping is to me, just a nonstop tailgate without any of that boring “game” to interrupt it.

And camping is the last place i feel that i can truly be myself.  There is no one to judge me in the woods when i do a power hour and wake up on a picnic table at 4 am covered in Smores with no pants on. “That’s not marshmallow buddy!”  When i have a burger and a brat and bacon wrapped scallops and a chicken fajita all for one meal, no one feels to need to tell me that eating all of that food at once might be the reason my left arm and face get so “tingly.”

But besides all the fantastic food and booze and “legal” drugs and racism and lack of responsibility, it is really the time with my friends i look forward to the most.  A lot of them are married now; hell most of them are actually.  And they’re all dads too!  Jeebus Christmas when we first started this some of us couldn’t legally drink.  Hell Chuck was still a virgin, and now he’s a dad!  But with all of us all growns up it’s just hard to find the time to get together, especially when we don’t really live that close and those guys have stuff to do like “raising children” and “being husbands”.  Those two things alone really cut into their drinking time.

But this weekend isn’t about the time we don’t get to hang out; this weekend is about once again proving we will always be immature aholes at heart.  i’ll say it again kids, this is one of my favorite weekends of the year hands down.  And i feel it is my responsibility to take all these fathers, these mature men who are no longer boys, and get them so f’n $hitfaced and obliviated that they are the ones on all 4’s puking their guts out into their shower Sunday morning getting yelled at by their wives.  It is then and only then, that i truly consider myself proud of what a good friend i have become!


 – So i used to wet the bed when i was younger.  And by younger i mean my late 20’s.  NO!  i mean when i was a little kid, although not too little because i think i was still doing it regularly in 1st and 2nd grade.  And i remember waking up and being so embarrassed that i wouldn’t tell my mom, and then i would walk to school and go through class all day smelling like pee.  And for the most part people never said anything, although sometimes i remember being in class especially gym and someone saying “man it smells like pee in here!”  and thinking i hope no one realizes it’s me as i got super ashamed.

Even worse, i remember going on vacation and staying at a place and my mom getting me a diaper because she didn’t want me to pee the bed where we were staying in since we didn’t have a washing machine around to change the sheets if i did.  And i don’t remember when this problem stopped for me, nor when i completely blacked it out of my memory.  Because it wasn’t until recently that something reminded me about it and i remembered what a little pee body i was and figured i’d admit it on my blog because oh well what are you gonna do?  But like Sara Silverman says, when you’re a bedwetter there are only one group of people that you can look down on, and that’s bed $hitters!

– Speaking of $hitting the bed, do you all remember when the New York Rangers were still in the playoffs?  Yeah, me neither!  But since Rob skipped my last blog let me just gently remind him of all of the next day headlines that perfectly captured their season!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Plebeians”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Not that i’m a grammatical angel or anything but i’ve noticed that a lot of people always seem to write “a lot” when it’s really supposed to be one word, “alot.”  i don’t like to think of myself as a Grammar Nazi but this one rule that most people get wrong ALL the time and it bothers me alot when people break, it so please don’t do it anymore!
Haha just kidding English majors.  i’m sure you just had a heart attack on that one.  But for real stop being grammar nazi’s, it’s mad offensive.  

And on that final Hitler note that’s it for me today kids!  Hopefully there’ll be a new blog next Tuesday, unless i drink so much that i die camping in a pile of my own brats and vomit of course.  And wouldn’t it be f*cked up if this was my last blog ever before i died, and then people were posting it in honor of me and they all had too look at cartoon Simpsons Hitler up there?

Anyways, i’m out of here for today.  You kids be good and i’ll hopefully cya here on Tuesday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go “LIKE” my Here Comes the Money… Facebook page!


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