Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares about more then we do. You know, like healthcare, education, gun control… – David Letterman

26 May
THE BLOG WHERE i JUST GET TO THE RANDOM NONSENSE ALREADY

What is up kids?

Well it’s late Monday night after an incredible Memorial day weekend holiday and between being super tired and having problems with my computer i think i’m just going to get to the Nonsense already.  Not just because i’m an obese lazy f*ck who is half assing his rant and the beginning of his blog for the umpteenth time, but also because… okay fine, that’s the only reason.

And sure i can talk about how when it comes to Memorial Day there are the people that don’t know what the holiday is about, the people who think they know what the holiday is about and the people who can’t wait to call out everyone who doesn’t know what the holiday is about.  But really, who cares about that?  If all people know about Memorial day is that they get the day off from work and get to spend time with family and friends and bbq’ing and boozing well then good for them.  There’s enough horrors that go on in this world that i’m okay if people use holidays they don’t understand to find happiness and love and hopefully some respect and honor for those who have fought and died for our country.

But the truth is i’m exhausted, it’s late, and i never want this blog to feel like a “job” that i have to do so i’m gonna tap out now and get to the Nonsense which is where all of the funny stuff is anyways.  So i hope everyone had an incredible long weekend, i apologize for the brevity of my wit in my rant today but i hope you stay tuned not just for the incredible bathroom tales i’m about to unveil on you but also TWO Fast Food Tips that are guaranteed to change the course of your life and your lower intestine.  So enjoy the free ha ha’s kids, i know you will! 



RANDOM NONSENSE


– i can’t use the bathroom stall if anyone else is in the bathroom with me.  Which is obviously not a problem in my home but whenever i’m in public or at work and i’m there to drop the kids off at the pool and then someone else comes in i canNOT finish my business.  i don’t know if it’s because i’m embarrassed my bowel movements sound like the levies breaking during hurricane Katrina or if it’s just because 90% of the time i’m normally in the bathroom all by my lonesome and that other 10% just seems too weird for me but i just can’t do it.  

And if you have the same problem that i do and you find yourself in the stall next to me do NOT try to wait me out because you will lose.  i’ll watch all 3 extended “Lord of the Rings” trilogy movies and all 3 Hobbits on my phone before i either let the bodies hit the floor or just get up and leave without going.  So either blast away or buckle up for the ride because i ain’t going nowhere kids! 

Fast Food Tips – Speaking of going to the bathroom, if you love Taco Bell but had always hoped for a more firey escape out of your bottom after you were done eating well then you’re in luck!  Because “HOT” is no longer the hottest sauce T Bell carries with “DIABLO” sauce taking over as the new flavor that is guaranteed to produce more painful queso out of your own personal heiney tortillas.  And oh yeah if after reading these last two bits of mine you still want to eat Taco Bell then congrats you are more of a fatty then even i am! 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So i never really understood the phrase, “i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!” Because OF COURSE i would wish that on my worst enemy!  What kind of “worst” enemies do you guys have that you actually feel bad for them?  i wish all sorts of $hit on my worst enemy.  Cancer, car wrecks, Ebola, massive diarrhea attacks, you name it.  Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t wish that stuff on most people.  But my worst enemy?  You’d better hope i don’t find a genie in a bottle, because my first wish is going to be ass cancer on you!  And yes my second wish will be for infinite more wishes, i understand how this process works!

Fast Food Tips –  Since you’re such a special audience reading today i’m going to drop DOS Fast Food Tips on you lucky fools!  And by DOS i mean the number you’re going to drop in the bathroom after eating a bunch of 50 cent corn dogs from Sonic!  It’s today only so run and get them fast so you get them fast runs! 

A Great Name for a Punk Band! – “Bye Felicia”

– Despite living in “The Garden State” for all of my life i have to admit i haven’t been to the country much.  And if there is a God i’m sure he won’t be happy when i admit that i haven’t been to church in a LONG time, because as a wise man once said there are two things a man gives up once he is old enough to do so , going to church and going to the dentist.

But sometimes some good old country lovin’ and some good old God is all that you need, which is why i couldn’t be happier to show you one of the most holy 
The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  so get ready to worship Country Church!

LATER DAVE!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone had a great weekend and has an even greater week, although i have a feeling we’ll know after tonight just how good the rest of this week will be.  What am i even talking about?  Well i have an even BETTER feeling i’ll get to tell you exactly what i mean here next Tuesday on an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

And go LIKE my “Here Comes the Money…” Facebook Page!

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