It’s only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here’s what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace. – Bill Hicks

8 May
What is up kids?

So is it me or is this entire country just WAY too on edge these days?  And by “these days” i mean that any possible second that the media can over blow a story or situation they do WHATEVER they can to make anything that happens seem like the most controversial event of all time!
And while i’ll admit that a lot of what is going on in this country and even the world is EXTREMELY f*cked up, from the glaring wage gap from the super rich to the increasingly number of poor people, to the a$$holes who are still against gay marriage and a womans’ right to choose what she wants to do with HER body.  To all of the people fighting about whether cops are abusing their power and killing unarmed black men or if the people who riot and destroy towns and put police officers in danger are the real problem.  It is very easy to see that $hit is seriously F*CKED up!  And not only that, the regular season heroes the New York Rangers are now only 1 game away from being eliminated from the second round of the playoffs by the Washington Capitals!  i’m guessing it’s because they are playing these games with their best goalie on their bench.
And while of course most of these are truly important issues that deserve an intelligent and rational discussion, the truth is most of us need to RELAX for a hot second and put these things into perspective.  And yes i understand that those more directly involved in these situations find this harder to do and rightfully so.  But to the social media warriors who only see these stories on Facebook or Yahoo news and rush to make their ill informed comments, or the people who get all riled up listening to Sean Hannity or Bill O’Reilly about how  white people are “losing” the country and Christians are losing the war on Christmas. Or even to those that get caught up with all of the celebrity gossip on tv, and knew that there was NO WAY that they could miss the Bruce Jenner interview because it was the most important thing in the news of all time! 
But for real, some of you that find such importance in such things need to take a breath, close your eyes, and hold it until you’re dead and stop bothering everyone with your petty nonsense and fake outrage.  But the rest of you need to open your eyes, look at the world around you and realize that maybe, just maybe things aren’t so bad!  i know the media doesn’t want you to believe this, mostly because no one watches the news to hear about all of the good things that are going on in the world.  Because we all know good news is a ratings killer!  We need to focus on riots, murders, crime, poverty, and the Mayweahter Pacquiao fight!
And it’s definitely a shame that we really only use our power of hype for bad news or fake “events” like that stupid fight or the new Avengers movie or anything that doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.  We talk about not having enough money to help out poor people who need it or homeless people that have no place to live, or children that can’t afford healthy meals or a decent education.  But when we see 5.6 million people are able to shell out $100 each for a fight that put more people to sleep then Ambien chugged with a bottle of whisky then maybe we do have all the money that we need in this country and it’s just that our priorities are so f’d up that we just let the rich keep it all while we’re busy fighting and arguing over the scraps they leave behind.  Just a thought.
But again, none of that is what i want to talk about today.  My point of today’s rant is to get you all to stop getting so angry about all of the stuff i just listed.  And i know  that these issues are enough to drive a person mad, but at the same time if you keep focusing on all of the garbage you lose track of the things that are really important in life.  Like love and family, or sunsets and flowers, and delicious food like bacon!  Or shows like “Game of Thrones” or “Breaking Bad,” or even a free comedy blog from a slightly overweight yet sexy Hispanic guy!  There’s plenty to be happy and upbeat about in this world, you just need to know  where to look and what to care about.  And just like Mr. Hicks said in the quote above we all have a choice.  So what will you choose this weekend? 


– So hopefully she’s not reading this but if she is i’d like to say Happy Mother’s day to my own mother Sandy.  i know that she doesn’t really understand me or my humor, and it’s hard for her to read almost everything i write in this blog.  But i do owe all of the sensitivity and empathy that i have to her, and that is something i find both a curse and a blessing.  It’s a blessing because i do care about other human beings and i am constantly trying to make sure people around me are having a good time, especially those that or more quiet or shy.  i always try to make everyone feel comfortable around me and that is definitely something i learned from my mother.  But it’s a curse because i grew up a sensitive pansy who always fell for the girls too hard and would end up a constantly depressed heartbroken disaster who was a crying blubbering mess.  Plus she taught me how to be filled with anxiety and panic at all times, but in her defense all women teach men about that so that’s not really her fault…

And even though we disagree on things like religion and especially comedy, i do think she realizes that i’m not a bad person. And hopefully with all of the praying she does i’ll actually be able to get into heaven instead of burning in hell for eternity.  Because i do also realize that i was an extremely difficult child, and by extremely difficult i mean that i was a high energy annoying jerk who had to argue anything and everything at all times.  So the fact that she didn’t strangle me in my sleep shows what an angel she actually was and is.  But to my own mother and to all of you moms out there i’d just like to say, “i’ll clean my room later! Give me a minute to relax!  And yes i’ll take the garbage out, they don’t pick it up until the morning so i don’t need to take it out this second!  And why can’t i hang out after the school dance?  All my friends are going and i want to go too!  And why are you taking all of these baby pictures and movies of me and putting them on Facebook?  Who do you think watches all of this nonsense?  And what do you mean pay rent? i’m your son, i shouldn’t have to pay you anything even if i am 35 years old and living in your basement!  i didn’t choose to have me, you did!!!”
And oh yeah, Happy Mother’s day!  🙂
– Even though it’s not officially the summer yet i can already feel it flying by, and that’s a feeling i’ve learned that just comes with old age.  And i know i’m not ancient, but i also know my days of hitting on girls as young as Kate Upton are long behind me.  i mean yeah they were behind me 10 years ago, but this is the first time in my life that i actually feel that way…
But there will come a time soon that everyone i’ve ever known and loved will be long gone, and it is at that time that this next The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! will come in handy to listen to.  Because what music will help ease your soul once the apocalypse comes and we all get ready to enter that great unknown?  i’m not sure, but today’s nominee should at least help you in such trying times. And it’s also something i hope i can listen to in regards to all of my “friends” who i go camping with yet find the need to keep reminding me about how  last year i got so drunk that i blacked out and made them all do the electric slide with me which i still don’t 100% believe happened…
Either way, it’s with those friends in mind that i bring to you Freddie Gage, and “All my Friends are Dead”
Fast Food Tips “MOTHER’S DAY” Edition! It’s Mother’s day this Sunday, and if you’re looking for the perfect gift to get to show her how much you love her then i have JUST the thing!  White Castle is offering a sack of 10 sliders for only $2.50 if you go on their site and use the promo code “MOM.”  And if there is anything that shows your mom how much you care more then feeding her some cheap sliders so she can think about you while she’s stuck on the toilet for the rest of the day i don’t know what it is!  And sure if i tried to think of literally anything else i bet i could think of something better.  But this blog’s about over and i don’t got the time, so we’re gonna stick with this being the GREATEST Mother’s day gift you can get!  Happy Mother’s day moms!
And that’s it for me today kids!  And i mean for Fridays in general, because i am DONE with Friday blogs!  i’m going to switch back to doing them on Tuesday’s instead, because by the time these come out on Friday all of the weeks’ news is already over and everyone’s focused on the weekend and not the hilarity that is my blog.  So starting THIS Tuesday i’ll be doing one blog on week on Tuesdays from now on.  Sound good?  No?  Well suck it cause that’s my story and i’m sticking to it!

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