When someone is impatient and says, "I haven’t got all day," I always wonder, how can that be? How can you not have all day? – George Carlin

24 Apr


What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, the weekend is finally here but in my head i already feel like it’s over because i have SO much to try and do in so little time.  For real, is it just me or is there just not enough time in the day to get everything you want done?  And by “in the day” i mean time in this LIFE because Jesus Christmas i just ain’t got time to get anything done anymore!

And it definitely wasn’t always this way.  When you are young the time can’t go by quick enough!  Whether you’re in school and it feels like it takes FOREVER before you get to your summer break.  Or when you’re 15 years old and have to wait until you’re 16 to get your driving permit and it feels like all of your friends are driving to cool places everyday and you can never meet up with them.  Or even worse, when you’re 20 years old and all of your friends are 21 and you can’t get into any bars and you feel like you’re missing out on EVERYTHING!

But then once you hit your mid to late 20’s everything starts flying by SO f’n fast!  And forget about hitting 30, once you’re in your 30’s the years fly by faster then bullets at an unarmed black kid from a racist cops’ gun.  YEARS can go by like it’s nothing, and a thought like “hey i should call Chuck and Jewell and see if they are down to meet up for a happy hour” turns into “holy $hitballs i haven’t seen Chuck and Jewell since LOST was still on television!”

And it’s so crazy, because you just don’t realize how much time has gone by until you really stop and think about it.  i mean i have friends who i probably haven’t spoken to in 4 years, but to me it doesn’t seem like that long ago.  But when i put that in perspective with something like high school, was there anything that took longer then spending those 4 years trying to graduate?  The difference between who you were as a person as a graduating senior and an incoming freshmen is WORLDS apart, those 4 years might have been the longest and most trying times in your life.  But when i think about how 4 years ago from today it was 2011, that literally seems like it was yesterday!  Hell, i feel like it was only a hot minute ago that i was in high school and Nirvana and Pearl Jam were new on the radio and there was no such thing as cell phones or the internet!  Although i was also 80 pounds lighter, and that feels like it was a MILLION years ago…

But there is a way to fix all of this and make time go by slower so that you can enjoy life and still get things done. And the funny thing is it’s actually not that hard to do.   And ever since i’ve been trying this new “technique” it has made a huge difference for me and it’s made my life SO much better and easier.  And it is my hope that by letting you all know what it is that you too can find more time to spend with loved ones and to have fun, and if you listen to me i truly believe it will greatly improve your life.  And the crazy thing is that it’s so simple that you’ll be kicking yourself for not thinking of it sooner!  But the key to making every second in your life count for something is… wait, what time is it?  Damn i have to get the nonsense already, maybe i’ll tell you all what to do next blog.  If i have time!!!


– Here’s a random fact that i know none of you know about me.  For some reason i can’t explain, i really dig water fountains.  And no i don’t mean public fountains with nice statues of beautiful flowing water, i’m talking about the disgusting germ filled old school ones that  we used to use in grade school.  i don’t know why this is but i don’t care, i’m the biggest fan of them! 

 And yes i realize the fact that every dirty and disgusting human being or animal on the planet has wrapped their unwashed lips all over the faucet with their horrific dog food breath and unbrushed teeth.  However once you get past that you will realize that if you are parched and you need some free water there is nothing that beats a water fountain!  Especially one with cold water that has decent pressure so you don’t have to put your lips on it and make out with every person in history that has ever taken a drink from it.  Somehow i am able to block all of that out and just enjoy free water which surprisingly is quite the privilege these days.  And yeah i may end up getting mouth herpes, but at least i’m not spending $10 a bottle for germ free Fuji!

– So i’ve learned a view things about women in the 74 years that i’ve been on this Earth.  One is NEVER tell a woman she looks tired, because you might as well just tell her, “hey, you look like $HIT today!”  Because i’ll tell you right now if what you’re telling a girl isn’t a compliment then it’s an insult, there is NO in between!  In addition i’ve also learned that girls are ALWAYS cold and that chicken fingers is the one universal meal that all women are allowed to order when going out without being judged by each other.

But i can finally add another item to this list, and that’s that women HATE wearing khaki pants.  Maybe it’s the boring color, maybe it’s because they do not accentuate any of a woman’s best attributes at all, maybe it’s because it makes their ass look flat, and most likely it’s a combination of all of the reasons listed above.  But women hate wearing khaki pants, so if you’re an employer and you are hiring women you should do everything you can to avoid making them wear these God awful things and just let them wear black pants.  Because women definitely love wearing black pants!
Fast Food Tips – If you love pretzels and you love free stuff then this is the fast food tip you need in your life!  This Sunday is “National Pretzel day,” and while this may have been the stupidest fake holiday i’ve ever heard of in my life i’m not going to argue with free pretzels.  The first place to go to Wetzels pretzels, where all you have to do is walk into a store on Sunday April 26th and say “My name is ____ Wetzel, and I want my pretzel!” So go do that on Sunday!
Now if you’re too embarrassed to do this silly nonsense just to get a free pretzel i don’t blame you, but you can also go to Auntie Anne’s Pretzels and download their app and register for a free Original or Cinnamon Sugar Pretzel all weekend from April 24th to 26th.  Cinnamon Sugar being not only my favorite kind of pretzel from Auntie Anne, but also my nickname in college.  So enjoy the free sugar carbs people!  i know the pounds that you will gain will thank me!
And that’s it for me today kids!  If you missed my special 4/20 on 4/21 blog that came out on Tuesday you should go back and read it now because it’s hilarious.  Or if you read it while celebrating 4/20 you should go and read it again because you probably forgot all of it by now anyway.

And i’ll see you all here next Friday with an all new blog, but before i go i have EXCLUSIVE footage from the highly anticipated Bruce Jenner interview that no one else has seen!  It’s a very touching part of the interview that may not make it on to television, but lucky for you i was able to get a copy of it!  This shows a very emotional Bruce Jenner saying a fond farewell to his magnificent penis, and there were only two words he could muster when saying his final goodbye to this “member” of the Jenner family….


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