There is only one way to avoid criticism: Do nothing. Say nothing. And be nothing. – Aristotle

3 Apr

What is up kids?
i’ll tell you what’s up, good Friday?  More like GREAT Friday!!!  

And i say it’s a good Friday despite the fact that we still have states who are trying to pass anti gay laws, and where we have pizza places that don’t want to serve sausage slices down homosexuals throats.  And i say this despite the fact that women still make less then men for doing the same work, and these are the same disgusting older white men who want to be in control of a woman’s reproductive rights as well.  Plus corporations are greedy soulless monsters and welfare inequality is becoming the biggest moral issue of our time.  And besides all that, we’ve got no jobs, we’ve got no food.  Our pets HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!

But none of this is bothering me right now, because i’m off today for my first 3 day weekend in FOREVER. And after welcoming a beautiful new member to my love’s family i now get to spend the weekend with the jose’s, and there is nothing i enjoy more then spending time with my family in Cape Cod.  And the best news of all of that is that i also get to hang out with my Godson Kieran, the cutest Irish/Mexican/Dominican boy on the planet!

So i hope everyone can put all of their troubles behind them and enjoy this amazing weekend because it’s a beautiful day to be alive.  It finally feels like Spring, the Easter bunny is getting ready to hide all of our eggs, and i’m going to eat yummy Cape Cod seafood and drink delicious Cape Cod alcohol until i’m throwing up happiness into my toilet while i drop eggs of laughter and seafood poop into the beautiful Cape Cod Bay.  So enjoy the weekend everyone because by that fantastic description you sure know that i will!


So if you didn’t see the Justin Bieber roast then you are BLOWING it, because not only was it the most overly hyped Roast of all time it also was probably the funniest. Everyone absolutely MURDERED it and it was nice to see that obnoxiously rich little feminine wigger get his ass handed to him.

And while i don’t want to ruin any of the jokes for those of you who weren’t smart enough to watch it yet, there is ONE joke that was told that was so incredibly offensive i just have to write it out here on my blog.  It came from Jeff Ross who is basically the King of Roasts, but holy f’n $hitballs if there was anyone who ever crossed the line even for a Roast it was him on this Bieber one.  And the crazy part was that it wasn’t even against Justin!  It was a joke on 21 year old SNL cast member, Pete Davidson who also totally killed it at the Roast.  Pete’s dad died while he was in one of the World Trade Center buildings on 9/11, which sounds funny enough but is NOTHING compared to Jeff Ross’ joke to Snoop Dogg when he said, “Snoops lungs have inhaled more smoke then Pete Davidson’s dad in the tower on 9/11.”

 And while i’ll admit that even i was absolutely SHOCKED at that joke, i also have to admit that i appreciate it.  Because even though i consider myself a ruthless basterd, it’s nice to know that i do have a line that can be crossed.  So maybe i’m not a heartless soulless creep who is going to burn in hell when it’s all said and done!  Unless i wasn’t supposed to laugh at that joke, because if laughing at that means i’m going to hell then i’ll see the rest of you there as well for laughing at that joke along with me on my blog!  LATER DICKS!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why do people only drink eggnog during the holidays?  I love egg nog, i think its yummy as hell.  But other then Christmas and Easter i never let myself enjoy a glass.  Which is bull$hit because it’s delicious, why do i wait for it once a year?  Same thing as deviled eggs, i love deviled eggs but besides Easter i pretty much never eat them except on the rare occasion somebody really awesome makes them.   It’s just odd to me, two fantastic egg treats and i only enjoy them semi-annually.  And also, if Easter is the biggest holiday in Christianity why are people allowed to eat “Deviled” eggs?  i don’t get things.

“MOMbook posters”- So i’ve been thinking about it during my break, and i’ve realized i may be too hard on some of these new moms on this blog.  i mean they are giving the gift of life for crying out loud!!  It’s the most amazing special thing on the planet!!!  i mean yeah every woman can do it, and sure every animal on the planet can do it as well.  Including rats!  But whatever, humans are special.  How can we not be?? We are the only species to create computers, and Iphones, and airplanes and even poetry!  And i mean yeah we also created racism, bigotry and genocide.  But have you seen an Iphone? You can do everything on it!!

i’m losing my train of thought here, but my point is i do agree parents are special people. That is why from this point forward, anyone who posts about their kid’s birthday on Facebook (and let’s face it, if you are a parent on Facebook everybody knows when your newborn is another month older because you HAVE to tell us) will get a present from me.  But it’s not going to be some stupid clothing or dumb ass kid toys, i want to get these kids ready for real life!  Which is why from now on i will give these kids…

Science Bitch!
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “Worse for Wear”

And that’s pretty good but Sarah Silverman is apparently a HUGEMONGOUS fan of my bit and decided to join in on the fun!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! 

So it’s nice to know i’m not the only guy who wants to get naked and have people play with my accordion, although to see it on one of The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  i’ve finally realized the one thing i’m missing is a hot 70’s porno mustache.  And yes i admit that none of this probably makes any sense to you all right now, so let me clear it up by showing you  Quim Barreiros Masterpiece, Reebi un convite la casa da joquina!

And that’s it for me today kids! i’m about to hit the road, but i hope you all have a great weekend, enjoy the rising of zombie Jesus on Sunday and congrats to my one day sister and brother in law who truly showed us what it means when a star is born 🙂

But have a great weekend and i’ll see you kids on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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