Do what you have to do until you can do what you want to do – Oprah

20 Mar

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, it’s FINALLY Springtime!  Suck my balleens Jack Frost!  It’s time to embrace Mother Natures warm breeze from under her skirt and feel it all over your face!  And boy does that air smell SWEET!

All disgusting analogies aside, it’s about gddamn time it’s Spring.  And i don’t even care that it’s colder then a witch’s ariola right now, just the fact that it’s Springtime and the possibility of warmer and brighter days are ahead are enough to make me feel better about life!  Finally we will see some flowers blooming and kids playing in the park again, and by playing in the park i of course mean they are playing on their iphones and ipads and whatever gadgets the kids are into these days.
Although speaking of parks, when i was a kid i used to live across the street from one.  Those of you familiar with my blog might recall this park as the same one my friend Sue so nicely named “Puke Park.” Mostly because of my typical hangover ritual that i had where i would walk across the street when bombed and throw up over the railing so that i wouldn’t have to clean it up in my bathroom. And instead, i would leave my insides out on the ground so that people walking their dogs would have a fun nutritious “treat” for man’s best friend!
But this also made me remember that when i was really young i used to walk my dog Buddy at the park everyday.  And if there was one thing i didn’t do with Buddy while walking him was to pick up his dog $hit.  Because back in the 80’s and early 90’s NOBODY picked up their dog’s dog $hit! Well okay not nobody, but not most of us!  People are so used to these “Please Clean Up After Your Dog” signs in public that they don’t realize the reason for those signs is because back in the day they didn’t have them, and there was just dog $hit EVERYWHERE.  i used to play at that park regularly, and regularly i would step in a big steaming pile of $hit and have to wipe my sneaker off of the grass.  And it just occurred to me recently that most of my childhood was spent stepping in dog $hit and wiping it off of my sneakers.  And the fact that doesn’t happen anymore is something i didn’t realize made me so happy until now.

So it’s with this dog $hit and slutty mother nature inspired rant that i would like to welcome you all to the Spring!  May it be filled with warmer weather then today, and parks that are filled with kids having fun on their phones but don’t have $hit everywhere!  


– What is the point of the “small load” setting on a washing machine?  i’m either not doing laundry or i’m washing EVERYTHING that i own!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So we’ve known each other long enough now that i finally feel comfortable enough to admit this to all of you… but yes i pee in the shower.  Not once in awhile, i’m talking every single gddamn time i take a shower.  Can you people deal with that, or is that too gddamn disgusting of a truth?!?

OMG miguel!  We always knew you were a dirty Mexican but now you are finally proving it!!!  Am i though?  Am i really??  Because for real, i can’t see anything wrong with it.  i’m in my own big soapy personal room filled with hot cleansing water that flushes everything down a drain.  What’s the big f’n deal?  In fact, when i do pee in the toilet i sometimes get it on the seat and/or on the floor.  Mostly due to poor aim and being a LAZY, lazy man.  But when i pee in the shower none of it gets anywhere, except for being washed right down the drain covered in sweet smelling soap suds.  What is wrong with that exactly?  And i know there are two kinds of people reading this.  A few of you may actually be appalled and never look at me the same, but the rest of you are like “No f*cking $hit we pee in the shower!  It’s the best place to do it!!”  And to those of you with that answer i consider you my friends.  My awesome, no pride having, pee smelling, drenched in yellow, urine covered friends!!!

“Facebook Etiquette”-

Fast Food Tips –  If you’re like me you’re a slightly overweight Hispanic who is hilariously funny and smart and great in bed and is scared of heights and doesn’t speak Spanish.  But in addition to that you probably also love Chipotle, which is the one place that has a big beefy burrito that is almost as delicious as my very own personal beefy burrito!  And no, that’s not sour cream!

Anyways, today’s little tip is a great way to get more meat in your burrito at Chipotle, and that’s by asking for half and half of two different meats instead of sticking to just one.  Because when you get one type of meat they’ll put that in you burrito, but if you get TWO different types they will put 3/4’s of each meat onto your order and then you’re getting more delicious salty Mexican meat down your throat!  And when you think about it that’s really the only goal any of you have in life, isn’t it?

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great week, and please feel free to share my hilarious blog with everyone you know!  Tell them to go to, as i just purchased this domain name for the year to make it easier to find, and because it’s time to class up this place a bit.  And by classy i mean talking about not picking up dog $hit and peeing in the shower.

But have a great weekend, enjoy the Spring, and i’ll see you all back here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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