I want you to know, when it comes to believing in god, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a god who created each one of us in his own image and likeness, loves us very much and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize…something is F*CKED-UP. Something is WRONG here. – George Carlin "You Are All Diseased"

20 Feb

War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is NOT good work. If this is the best god can do, I am NOT impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kind of $hit you’d expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently run universe, this guy would have been out on his all-powerful-ass a long time ago. – George Carlin from “You Are All Diseased”


What is up kids?

Well by the disgusting dirty thumbprints on everyone’s head lately i’m guessing that Ash Wednesday started this week.  Either that or i can expect a return of the Chapelle show very soon!

And to be honest i have mixed emotions about this “holiday.” Because while i do think it’s a good thing that people give up something to try and better themselves, i also think that getting made to feel guilty to the point of having to give up something in order to pay for your “sins” is downright ridiculous. 

Doesn’t it seem like we deal with enough awfulness each and every day that we shouldn’t have to put ourselves through such a self punishing act?  i don’t know how religion does it but they do a great job of making people feel like they aren’t good enough and that we actually deserve to put ourselves through self imposed pain and suffering.  i mean for real, what’s with this not eating meat stuff?  Why does my diet come into account when figuring out if i’m a good person or not?  It never made sense to me.

However, if you are one of those people who don’t eat meat during lent well you’re in luck.  Because all the Fast Food restaurants are very well aware of this fact, which is why ALL fast food chains are offering disgusting fish specials so you can still eat unhealthy and worship god at the same time.  It’s win win!  Enjoy the next 40 days everyone! 


 – So i feel like i make fun of white people a lot on this blog, and if i’m being honest i’m not always “joking.”  i mean argue if you wish, but there are a decent amount of white people that are lame crackers that have no rhythm, can’t dance, and they smell like wet dog when they come in from the rain.

This following artist breaks these molds however, as he proves that it’s not the color of your skin that determines just how “funky” you are but what you do in that pasty white skin.  So without further Apu, i’m very happy to show to you one of  The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! by the man who taught George Clinton about funk,  Tom Pease and “Boogie! Boogie! Boogie!”

 “OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  So can i tell a quick awful story that i’ve never told anyone before? Except for the time i previously wrote this on my blog of course.  Oh, who am i kidding, of course i can,!  It’s my gddamn blog!  

Anyways, when i was a Sophomore at Ramapo college (my last actual semester at that school before i kinda got kicked out) i lived in a dorm with my roommate Billy and we shared a bathroom with two other random dudes that we never saw and didn’t know.  But the worst thing about sharing this bathroom was that there was ALWAYS pubes all over our toilet bowl every time we went in our bathroom.  And it was HORRIFIC! How dare these aholes be so f’n repugnant right?

So we did what any passive aggressive aholes would do, we left a note saying “Hey jerkoffs!  Stop leaving your disgusting sweaty hairy pubes all over the bathroom every time you use it you gross f*cks!”  Which totally solved the problem, right?  WRONG!  Because imagine our surprise when the kid left us his own personal note where he said, “Look, i’m sorry for the mess in the bathroom.  i am going through Chemo right now and i’m losing more of my hair then i expected to…” So yeah that happened to me in my life.  Man i’m an ahole!  Way to go you sophomoric bag of douche.

A Great Name for a Punk Band!– “The Doggone Its”

Fast Food Tips –  If you kids remember, i recently told you about how KFC has created the new fast food item of the decade with it’s KFC Double Dog, a horrific monstrosity created by putting a cheese covered hot dog in a bun made of fried chicken instead of bread.  And i know a lot of you became very excited when i told you about this fast food tip, so much so that when you heard about the Double Dog the front of your pants became finger lickin’ good!

But in an effort to put that final nail in your extremely obese coffin as well as send all of you Lent following Catholics straight to hell, i have another contender for Greatest New Fast Food Item of the Decade.  And that “food” is the Little Caesars “Bacon Wrapped Deep Dish pizza.” Which is their regular deep dish pepperoni pizza that now contains 3 feet of bacon wrapped around the crust, with even more bacon sprinkled on top!  Pizza pizza?  More like bacon bacon!

Terrible jokes aside, a SINGLE slice of this pizza contains 25 grams of fat and 450 calories which means when i order one and eat an entire pie by myself i will also be able to use that greasy disgusting pizza box as my tombstone.  This pizza pretty much proves everything that is wrong with this country, and i can’t wait to be a true American and shove this obnoxiously delicious monster down my stupid throat until i have a heart attack and die.  U S and A!  U S and A!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope you all have a great weekend, and i hope you are all digging this one blog a week pace i’m at now because it is SO much better for me.  And if it’s not you can always go back and read my old ones because Lord knows i’ve written enough of these hilarious masterpieces!

But yeah i hope you party it all up, enjoy the EXTREMELY white Oscars on Sunday and i’ll see you kids here next Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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