Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.” – Jim Gaffigan

6 Feb

What is up kids?

So now that i’m only writing one blog a week i have found that it has given me much more time to ponder life’s biggest mysteries.  From why is Kim Kardashian famous, to what is the point to all of the life on our planet.  And even what kind of dumb motherf*cker would pass the ball on the 1 yard line when you have the BEAST Marshawn Lynch on your team and instead you basically just give the Superbowl away to a bunch of cheaters and it’s literally all of your fault for calling the WORST play in football of all time so what the f*ck were you f*cking thinking?!?!  But yeah my point is i’ve been thinking about a lot of different stuff lately.
My favorite thing to think about though are the relationships between men and women, because throughout time there has been NOTHING that has been harder to figure out then that.  i mean yeah we’ve figured out how to make electricity, send a person to the moon, use pancakes for bread in a breakfast sandwich and we all have little computers on us at all times that we can use to talk to anyone anywhere on the planet as well as find ANY information about anything that we want!  Well except how to figure out the deal between guys and girls, because NO ONE has figured that out yet.  Not Albert Einstein, not Neil DeGrasse Tyson, not even your not so humble narrator! 
But again, now that i have the time to think about it i’ve realized that the biggest difference between men and women has to be the word “cute.”  Women are apparently OBSESSED with the term, as almost all of the words that come out of their mouths seem to revolve around just how “cute” someone or something is.  Women love this word so much that they usually jump and clap their hands in glee when they exclaim “OMG that is so CUUUUUUTE!” And they literally plan every aspect of their day and their lives from what they are wearing to work, to the pictures that they put up on the walls around the house to the decorations they put up at their wedding.  Women are ALWAYS trying to make everything around them more cute!

And the thing is, most times us guys actually agree with women when they say something is cute.  We just don’t happen to give a f*ck how cute something is.  And it’s not because we don’t know what cute is, because when you ladies show us something cute and go “OMG isn’t that so cuuuuuuuute?!?!” We actually mean it when we agree with you and say “yes, yes it is cute.”  The big difference though is that we don’t care, because something being cute is nice to us for about 2 seconds and then we are already over it, because being cute doesn’t really mean anything to us.

Look at it his way ladies, you know how we know you don’t watch football, but when one of our fantasy football players scores an amazing touchdown on Monday night and it gives us the win in our league and we show and tell you about the crazy play that just happened even though we know you don’t like or understand football?  And you kind of just look at the screen not getting it but you pretend to act happy because your man is happy but inside you really don’t give a $hit?  THAT’S how we feel every time you show us something cute.  The only difference is that you only have to pretend to not care on Sundays and Monday nights, we have to pretend to care all of the time!  But it’s okay, because we love you and we just can’t resist your cute face!


– So it’s nice to see everyone in the news and social media KILLING Brian Williams over the lie he told during his reporting of the Iraq war.  But it would be even nicer if everyone was held to the same standards and we called out EVERYONE in the news that lied, especially those that lie to our face EVERY GDDAMN SINGLE DAY.  This fake “outrage” by everyone in the media going after Brian Williams is ridiculous, especially considering Fox News Morning Show “Fox and Friends” just did an inspirational story about how the King of Jordan took to the skies himself in an army jet to personally get revenge against his people getting killed by ISIS.  Because the morons on Fox and Friends couldn’t WAIT to say what an amazing man and leader the King of Jordan is, and how he makes our president look like a weakling!

Only problem is that the story never happened, and these morning show dunces were making a false point about our President over a fake news story.  Care to guess how they apologized?  If you guessed by not giving one you are the winner!  So yeah, Brian Williams lied and he sucks for that.  But again, stop with the fake outrage over his untruth until all of you lying a$$holes come clean and are held responsible as well.

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME!  Back when i was in grade school i used to play the French Horn.  i don’t know how many of you know that little miguel jose tidbit but it’s true.  And the sad thing is i didn’t want to play the French Horn, i wanted to play the saxophone.  But so did EVERYONE else, and by the time they got to me to ask what instrument i wanted to play the music teacher was like “why don’t you try the french horn, i think you’d be great at it!” and i was like “Okay!” and then i got it and it was alright i guess but i always really wished i learned the saxophone.  

It is with that sad tale that i’d like to show you the next best album cover i’ve ever seen with the 2013 masterpiece, Wasnatch – “Front to Back”

Kind of makes me want to take up the french horn again…

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Is there a reason on the planet that you would not order everything you need to buy on Amazon?  And i’m not spokesperson for or anything, i’m just willing to admit it’s the greatest website on the planet that does not involve pornography.
Anyways, are there people that still drive to stores and walk around with other a$$holes and wait in line and buy things?  Because if there are people like that then they are blowing it in life and need to wake up and smell the “Prime” already.  Have you all tried “Amazon Prime” yet?  Ugh, my groin gets wet just thinking about the Prime.  It’s a service that costs 85 beans or so for the year,but you get Free 2 day shipping on almost everything on Amazon.  Plus you get a ton of movies you can watch for free and you can read all sorts of books on Kindle.  Which now that i explained everything you get with Prime you realize it’s totally worth it and totally understandable now why i would talk about my moist upper inner thighs.  But i’ll stop now because i love you guys.  

“Facebook Etiquette”- 
Fast Food Tips – So i really shouldn’t be telling you about this next fast food tip.  Mostly because none of you are fat enough to actually be able to take advantage of it, but more importantly it is a “deal” that is IMPOSSIBLE to take advantage of.  i don’t care if you’re Adam Richman or a fat evil f*ck like Rush Limbaugh, today’s fast food tip is a scam and you should never do it!

But just in case you are interested, IHOP is currently running their “All You Can Eat!” Pancake deal and once again i am pissed off about it.  And that’s because how many gddamn pancakes can one person shove down their throat for breakfast?  3?  Maybe 4 before you go into a coma on your toilet bowl?  This isn’t like all you can eat wings or all you can shrimp or steak or sushi, ALL of which i can eat my fat f*cking face off until i have to take off my belt and unbutton my pants just to be comfortable.  But these carb cakes are ridiculously filling and the thought of “All You Can Eat” pancakes sounds like a great idea until you realize how $hitty it is.  But enjoy! 
And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend despite it being butt cold out, and after you tell all of your friends about my blog and share it with everyone you know i’ll see you all back here next Friday with an all new blog!  Won’t that be CUUUUUUUUTE?

CYA NEXT FRIDAY! AND FOLLOW @migueljose_85 on Twitter


One Response to “Pancakes definitely make you lower your expectations. You’re like, “Well, looks like I’m not showering today.” – Jim Gaffigan”

  1. Paul February 7, 2015 at 2:31 pm #

    That album cover… It just makes me so…Horny.


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