By letting go of what you thought was going to happen in your life you can enjoy what is actually happening. – Taylor Negron

13 Jan

HAKUNA MATATA BITCHES

What is up kids?

So before we get started today, did everyone read my previous blog?  If you didn’t you should, i really think it’s some of my best work of the year!  “It’s 2015 jerkface, you’ve only written two blogs so far!”  That’s the joke buddy, i’m glad you caught on so fast.  But yeah my last blog about “Je Suis Charlie” was no joke and you should go back and read it if you haven’t!

But anyways it’s a new week, a new blog, and a new year for that matter.  Although is it just me or does 2015 seem like more of an extension of 2014 then it does a brand new year?  i don’t know, sometimes when a new year starts it feels like a fresh beginning. But so far i feel like i’m in the same rut and mindset that i was to end last year, at least as far as having all of the same problems with money and bills and all of that bull$hit.
 
And it really f*cking sucks, because these money troubles go back as long as i can remember.  Not trouble “being the money,” because we all know that isn’t the issue.  But i can even remember being a little kid and my parents giving me money to go get hair cuts by myself.  It was at Dicks barbershop at the corner of Madison and Washington Ave in Dumont, and they would give me enough duckets for the hair cut and a dollar or two for tip.  And sometimes when i was done i would pay the barber, but i would also keep 1 or both of the dollars that my parents gave me to tip him with and instead keep it for myself.  And by “sometimes” i mean almost every time.  And yeah it seems like a classless move, but first of all i wasn’t even double digits in age yet .  But more importantly i wanted some Atomic Fireball candies! And can you blame me?  Not only were they delicious, but Fireballs were also only 5 cents.  Which meant i could get 25 of them for the dollar that should have been a tip, and the yummyness of that candy was enough to erase any guilt i had for stealing money from my barber!
“Hey ahole, if that candy was 5 cents you’d only be able to get 20 of them for a dollar not 25! Learn to count!”  Again, that was the joke guy.  Too bad you were so busy rushing to try and point out my mistakes instead of realizing i was setting you up just to make fun of you.  But anyways, i was totally thinking about what a dirtbag thieving basterd i was when i was younger and i’ve realized that i’m still as broke as i was when i was a skinny Mexican 8 year old who looked liked a brown Q-tip. And it’d be nice to think that by 2015 i’d finally be more comfortable in my financial situation.  But whatever, i am still super happy in my life, and as far as i can tell i’m relatively healthy as are all of my friends and loved ones and that’s all you can ask for i guess.  And anyways, it’s just money.  And the fact that so many of our lives revolve around nothing but that is definitely pretty sad, although not as sad as a little Hispanic kid stealing from his barber.   
 
But yeah before i end this rant i guess i can let those of you who are wondering know that i don’t still straight rape my barber by stealing his money and that i’m a much better tipper now.  In fact, i always tip at least 5 beans for my haircuts despite the fact that my dome is mad easy to cut and it only takes 6 or 7 minutes to do, tops.  Although maybe i should only tip 4 beans and save a dollar every time until i’ve saved up enough to buy a bottle of Fireball Whiskey.  Then the circle of life would be complete!  Hakuna Matata bitches!
 RANDOM NONSENSE
 
– So i watched some of the Golden Globes last night but holy tap dancing Christballs are those $hits BORING as hell!  It’s so tame and non controversial and it’s basically watching all of the Hollywood elite going down on each other and polishing both their trophies and their asses as they kiss it in public.  And i thought Tina and Amy were pretty decent as hosts, but they’re literally only on stage for 8 minutes out of an 11 hour show so they’re barely on it anyway.  For real, why make such a big deal out of who’s hosting when they only get to make 6 or so jokes, tops?  And when are these aholes who run these shows gonna stop giving all of the dumb awards that no one cares about all of the screen time in the beginning of the broadcast, and then when all of the big name actors and movie categories that we actually care about finally have a chance to talk they get extremely rushed at the end?  And why not make the entire plane out of the black box?
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Knuckle Heads” 

The BEST Album Covers of ALL TIME! So as much as i loved the album “Joyce” by Joyce on my last blog, today’s album cover might take the cake.  And by take the cake i mean this might be THE BEST ALBUM COVER OF ALL TIME!  Which makes sense because it is the name of the bit and all.  But anyways, without further Apu, here is “Ken: By Request Only” 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i feel like the driving age and the legal age of consent for sex should be the same age.  All of you can debate what that age is, so feel free to do so. But my point is, if a girl can legally drive to my house to feel my Hispanic Hammer then i feel like i should be legally allowed to have sexual intercourse with her.  How does this not already make sense to everybody?  If anything i think the driving age should be older then the age of consent.  For real you don’t have to be that responsible to have sex, it’s just a P in the V for crying out loud.  It’s been going on and getting down since the beginning of time so it can’t be that big of a deal.

And between contraception and my pattened move of pulling out i feel like i’m plenty responsible in the bedroom.  But anyways who cares, how people are in their bedroom doesn’t affect me at all.  Your dumb ass out on the roads behind the wheel of a large vehicle however, that on the other hand is a big responsibility.  And all i’m saying is that if you can handle the responsibility of driving a car, then you should be able to handle my big beefy burrito.  Or at least try to…
Fast Food Tips – If you like free tacos but LOVE free diarrhea then you’re in luck!  Because for the month of January Taco Bell is offering FREE Doritos Locos tacos to anyone who orders from their app!  And yes if you read my blog you know i’m not a big fan of these tacos because it’s not a “real” Doritos taco but a regular taco with Dorito flavoring.  But if you do read this blog you also know i’m cheaper then a frugal Jew on Extreme Couponing and would jump at the chance to get a free burrito!  Well maybe not jump, because i’m also obese and don’t move much hence me wanting Taco Bell.  But get the app, get a free Doritos Locos taco and use the money you saved on some soft toilet paper because you’re gonna need it!


And relax my gentile boys and girls, i don’t really think all Jews are cheap and frugal.  i used a stereotype there because i’m a lazy writer and i was going for a cheap laugh.  Plus one of my best friends is Jewish, and if my old pal Penny Bagelstein doesn’t get mad at my Jewish jokes then you shouldn’t either!

And that’s it for me today kids! i hope everyone has a great week, and i hope it ends better then it started!  And even if it doesn’t, thank you for reading and i’ll cya on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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