Rhymes so loud and proud to hear it. It’s Christmas time and we got the spirit. Jack Frost chillin’, the hawk is out, And that’s what Christmas is all about. The time is now, the place is here. And the whole wide world is filled with cheer. – Run DMC "Christmas in Hollis"

19 Dec

My name’s miguel with the mic in my hand,

And I’m chilling and coolin’ just like a snowman.
So open your eyes, lend us a ear,

We want to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

THE X-MAS BLOG WHERE i GET READY FOR A MILESTONE

What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, this is the 90TH blog i’ve written this year and the 361ST that i’ve written over all.  Which means by early 2015 i will hit 365 BLOGS!  That’s one blog for every day of the month!  “Der miguel, you mean it’s one blog for every day of the YEAR!”  Yeah no $hit Sherlock, that was the joke!  If you could have waited a hot second instead of rushing to correct me you would have seen that.  Stop trying to be so right all of the time!

Anyways, when i hit 365 blogs it would mean that if you wanted to you could start every day of the year by reading hilarious comedy from yours truly.  And to be honest i can’t possibly think of a better way to start your day!  Well besides sleeping late, calling out of work, ordering food to be delivered to and eaten in your bed while you lay in your own filth and stink all day,  and then playing with yourself furiously until your ceiling looks like a winter wonderland.  But besides that ideal majestic morning, reading my blog to start your day is a close second!

But that doesn’t happen until next year, and until then we still need to close out 2014.  Which is why next Tuesday will be my last blog of the year, and it will also be my HERE COMES THE MONEY… 2014 YEAR IN REVIEW SPECTACULAR!  So i all hope you come back here next Tuesday to read it!  “Hey miguel, by “Year in Review Spectacular” do you mean you’re just going to be reposting a bunch of old bits that you wrote this year and put them together to pass it off as a brand new blog despite the fact that it’s all of your old unfunny garbage?”  Um, no, that’s not what i mean. What i mean is that this Tuesday will be a completely original and brand new… alright fine you a$$holes i’m just rehashing my old material with a barely new twist, are you happy???  It’s a year in review blog, what the hell do you want from me?!

And i will give you the heads up now that i’m not going to be bashing 2014 and saying it’s the worst year ever like everybody else is going to do.  This year was FANTASTIC for me, and to be honest it was one of the greatest years in my life.  i moved in with the love, i found a new job that is a million times better then the one i had before, i’m going to 2 Fantasy Football championships this weekend (although it should be 3…), i became a Godfather for the first time in my life and i rewatched the entire season of LOST for the first time since the series ended.  What else can you want in life?  Nothing, that’s what

So i hope everyone has a great weekend, and i hope you all come back here on Tuesday for the comedy blog extravaganza that is going to occur.  But before that i hope you all enjoy the nonsense!


RANDOM NONSENSE

– Why do we still wrap presents for people?  With all of the environmentalists and tree huggers and Team Earth people all over the place, how have they not gotten rid of this extremely wasteful and useless practice of wrapping gifts?  And i won’t even get into the fact that i’m TERRIBLE at wrapping presents, and when i’m done with them the present always ends up looking like a bunch of crumpled up paper covered in a million pieces of scotch tape.  i’m saying that just making the gift look “cute” is killing a ton of trees and creating an enormous amount of extra garbage that our planet doesn’t need. 

And yeah maybe the present looks nice for 2 seconds, but you make it look nice just so we can rip off the shiny paper and throw it away!  So i think we need to get off of this awful habit, mostly so that we can save the Earth and treat Mother Nature with love and respect.  But yeah it’s also because i HATE wrapping gifts and buying wrapping paper and tape and having my presents look like a blind baby monkey wrapped my presents for me.  Happy Holidays!


OLD SCHOOL “X-MAS” NONSENSE –  How come the people who ring you up at the register at stores ask you SO MANY F’N QUESTIONS??!  “What’s your zip code? What’s your phone number? Would you like to join our club?  What’s your email?  Do you want to be on our mailing list?  Do you want to receive offers by email or phone?  Did you know you can save 20% if you become a special awards member?  Would you like to…”  

Hey lady, i’m buying a “Claires” gift card for my 13 year old niece, does it look i want to join your stupid club?  And are you asking for my phone number and address because you want to report a shady older Hispanic guy who’s been walking around this tween store for the past 20 minutes like an a$$hole because he has NO clue what his niece wants?  Because if that’s why you’re asking that would make sense. Otherwise no, i will not give you any of my information.  Although if you MUST have some of my personal info i left you a sperm sample over in the corner by that Selena Gomez section…

 A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The $hit Sherlocks”

OLD SCHOOL “X-MAS” NONSENSE –  So i hope everyone has a HAPPY HOLIDAYS!  i say happy holidays to people, because some people get mad if you don’t say “Merry Christmas!” So based on that alone i say happy holidays.  Because who f’n cares about any of that stuff?  Is that really what you want to take a life stand on?  With the top 1% keeping ALL of the money in this country, and racist politicians who doubt the President was born in this country because he’s black. Or with ZERO being done in this country over gun control, even though more and more people are dying every day.  And for some reason (money under the guise of the Constitution) this is the one issue in this country that you can literally see the death count grow and grow and yet nothing is done about it ever…
And people saying HAPPY HOLIDAYS! is what bothers you so much?  Alright fine, you can fight that battle if you want.  But my guess is you’re the kind of person who gets mad at a million other things, and you are just adding this non controversial greeting into your mix just to give you another thing to be upset about.  Just a thought.

Fast Food Tips –  Burger King has a brand new FOUR cheese Whopper that sounds amazing when you first hear about it.  But after further research i’m calling shadyness!  Because BK describes the sandwich as a regular Whopper with a slice of American cheese and then a 3 cheese blend of cheddar, monterrey jack and mozzarella, and then more cheddar sauce.  So it sounds like a delicious cheesy delight, right?  But the reality is this so called 3 cheese “blend” is ghetto as hell, and other then being a Whopper with a little more cheese this burger is about as exciting as that stretch of skin i have between my nutbag and my bunghole. 

Speaking of which, this story reminds me of my old pal Burns.  No, not because he licked my taint that one time!  It’s because when we were in college there was a night where we were all drinking and Burns was calling random companies and complaining about nonsense just to see if they would send him free stuff.  Like calling Hanes and saying the cotton wasn’t soft enough on their tighty whiteys, or calling Energizer and saying their batteries didn’t last long enough.   And i remember he got a LOT of free stuff from doing this, but nothing was more impressive then when he called a spaghetti sauce company to complain that he could only taste 4 out of the 5 cheeses on their “5 Cheese blend” sauce.  The company was so sympathetic to Burns’ situation that they sent him a coupon for a free spaghetti sauce!  Which was definitely the right thing to do instead of calling out a drunken college fool for lying about only tasting 4 out of 5 cheeses.  Good times.


And that’s it for me today kids!  Like i said before i hope you all have a great weekend, and if you need some time to waste before my last blog of 2014 on Tuesday you can always read the latest issue of my new magazine below that you can find on bookshelves everywhere and on Kindle!

Advertisements

2 Responses to “Rhymes so loud and proud to hear it. It’s Christmas time and we got the spirit. Jack Frost chillin’, the hawk is out, And that’s what Christmas is all about. The time is now, the place is here. And the whole wide world is filled with cheer. – Run DMC "Christmas in Hollis"”

  1. Anonymous December 19, 2014 at 5:10 pm #

    You watched the entire season of Lost? Maybe next year you should take some grammar lessons.

    Like

  2. Miguel Jose December 23, 2014 at 3:46 am #

    Those are two pretty random thoughts there Anonymous. i'd say it was random nonsense except it wasn't funny

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: