60% of the discretionary budget goes not to our kids, not to our elderly, not to students, not to working people, not to infrastructure, not to all of the huge unmet needs we face as a country. It goes to the military. That’s why I voted no on this spending bill. – Bernie Sanders

16 Dec

What is up kids?

So before i get to the comedy today, i gotta get something off of my chest.  Because something happened this weekend that has me truly pissed off, and sadly i doubt that any of you know about it. 

Now i know most of you probably don’t get too caught up with what our Congress is up to, either because you think they are all useless morons and/or because most of them just do whatever the highest bidders pay them to do.  But Saturday night the Senate voted for and passed a 1.1 trillion dollar spending deal that the House submitted, and it’s a bill that will help the country avoid another government shutdown. Which sounds good in theory i guess, except for the fact that in this spending bill they also put in measures that helps roll back regulations on Wall Street, lets companies reduce pensions for current retirees, cuts funding for the EPA and dramatically increases how much rich people may donate to politicians.

And whether you give a f*ck about politics or not, this spending bill is something that EVERYBODY should care about.  Because these rich banker motherf*ckers who basically bankrupted this country despite making billions on those who were too poor and dumb to pay back their loans with no mercy at all, well these bankers totally got a bail out from the government despite the fact that all of their greedy dumb asses should have been put out of business and have gone to jail.  But since our country is so dependent on banks, none of them went to jail and the government bailed them out.  Although at least they were smart enough to make some new rules and laws to make sure that this wouldn’t happen again…

But guess what a$$holes, in this new spending bill the Republicans put in an addition that loosened these new laws against bankers.  So now these ruthless, greedy selfish motherf*ckers can go back to the way they used to do business and put us all back at risk at going bankrupt again!  And i don’t know what’s crazier, the fact that they have the BALLS to put this into the spending bill, the fact that it’s going to pass anyway, or the fact that NO ONE IS TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!

And don’t think i’m just blaming the Republicans for this travesty, because the Democrats who are also being paid off by these banks are voting for this bill as well.  It’s only people like Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Corey Booker from NJ, and Senator Elizabeth Warren who are coming out and screaming “BULL$HIT!” over this HORRIFIC and BLATANT attempt to let these soulless billionaires steal even more money from this country with the government’s help. And why do the rest of our elected officials do nothing?  Because no one in this country pays attention, no one cares, no one votes, and no one talks about this stuff in the media.  And like torture, it’s a shame that some of us think that this is acceptable behavior of the country that we all pretend to love so much.

But this bull$hit that they introduced into this spending bill (at the last minute over the weekend i might add, because no one watches the news over the weekend so it’s better to do shady $hit then) has got me so f*cking furious at our government and the people who should be voting and paying attention that i had to write about it in my rant for today’s blog.  Because i’m going to need you all to stop using “the system is broken”excuse to explain why you don’t participate in our government.  Sitting back and telling everyone what’s wrong with America and not doing anything about it is like telling me what you want to be when you grow up.  None of it means anything if you don’t work for the goals you want.
So i know it’s much more fun to sit on your couch and watch “Housewives” and waste time on YouTube and Facebook or even spend all day on Sunday watching football.  But how about you take some time during the week and open up your gddamn eyes and see what the f*ck is going on around you once in awhile?  Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, at least you’ll be paying attention to what is happening instead of being a blind sheep who is easily distracted by all of the other garbage that is meant to distract you from the things that actually matter.  Or you can just not care, and stay as ignorant as they want you to be.  It’s your life.

– Alright, enough politics and actually thinking about stuff.  This is a comedy blog!  And more importantly then that, i’d like to say Happy Hanukkah to all of my of my gentile boy and girl readers on their wonderful holiday!  Mazel Tov!  Steven Spielberg!  Bagels! 
– One of my favorite things that i do is when i bite my tongue by accident.  It’s so fun!  And it’s a great reminder that not only am i huge f*cking fat ass who constantly eats unhealthy garbage and gets fatter by the minute, but i also can’t take the time to chew food like a normal human being and instead i end up biting my tongue because apparently i’m such a lardo that food isn’t enough and i have to eat my own tongue as well.  To be honest i almost enjoy the pain that i feel when biting my tongue, because if after 59 years of being on this planet i still don’t know how to eat then i deserve this pain.  Mostly because i’m a worthless a$$hole and i deserve to die young.  And my name is JP, i am a robot, i have a robot vagina.  And if you’ve never seen the movie “Grandma’s Boy,” not only are you blowing it but you also got none of the references that i was just dropping.  So go watch it

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – So like any decent human being i support gay rights, and i for one couldn’t be happier to see all the rapid progress that their cause has achieved even in just these last few years.  i think it’s absurd that gay marriage is not recognized in every state in America yet, and it’s a disgrace that there are even less LGBT laws protecting gay people in the work place.  Being Gay is obviously how you are born and not a “choice,” and it’s about time everyone realized this and started acting that way.
That being said, toys like these for little kids can’t help.  And i’m not saying it’s a bad thing if you’re a parent and you WANT your kid to be gay, i’m just saying there has to be more subtle ways then getting them toys like this…

Fast Food Tips – So i’ve never been impressed with the Doritos Loco Taco from Taco Bell, despite that fact that this clearly the most popular item that the chain currently has, and the fact that it may have single handily helped rescue the franchise from turning into the donkey meat that they put in their Doritos.  But i don’t care what America thinks, because it’s not a Doritos Taco. It’s a regular taco with Dorito flavoring poured all over it, and that makes a difference gddamn it!

Anyways, based on the popularity of this monstrosity with you people, T Bell now has “secret” plans to introduce a brand new “Fritos” taco which once again will probably not be a big Frito taco but instead be a regular taco with Frito flavoring.  And i’m sure i’m going to think it’s ghetto and i’m sure the rest of you will love it, the same way you all watch “The Big Bang Theory” and make it the #1 show in America despite the fact that i find it UNWATCHABLE.  But lucky for you i don’t decide what you do, so when the Fritos taco does finally come out i hope you get a bunch of them and eat them on your couch while watching BBT and you laugh your disgusting unfunny face off to your heart’s content! Aren’t i the nicest? 

And that’s it for me today kids! i hope you all have a great week, only TWO more blogs left for me to put out in 2014! But i’ll do my best to make them count, and by best i mean there will be two of them.  But as always they will be free and funny!

Cya on Friday with an all new blog!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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