Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by Cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? – Bill Watterson

12 Dec


What is up kids?

You know i feel like i start off every Friday blog with a “Man am i glad it’s Friday!” kind of opening these days.  But for real, MAN am i glad it’s gddamn Friday!!!

And i’m DEFINITELY ready to party it up this weekend, but before i do i’m going to admit something to all of you now. i haven’t bought one Christmas present for any of my friends or family or niece or nephews or even my girl.  Not a single ONE.  And i’m not saying this to brag, because it’s certainly not something that i’m proud of.  i say this because i know that there are some of you out there who have already had all of your presents bought and wrapped even before Thanksgiving dinner, and i’m sure the thought of not having a single present purchased by now must be maddening to you!

And i know this probably isn’t the best or most ideal way to approach Xmas shopping every year.  But whatever, this is how i do it and i always seem to manage so i don’t really care.  “But that’s so stupid miguel!  Waiting until the last minute and then having no time to get anything shipped and instead having to actually go inside a store when ALL of the other idiots are in the store as well,. mostly because they waited until the last minute like a moron.  And then having to deal with all of them outside while trying to park is IMPOSSIBLE, and between that and all of the traffic and the rain and cold weather that you have to deal with…  what the F are you figurin?!?!”

Yeah, yeah you have a point, because that’s pretty much exactly how it is.  But can i admit another secret to all of you on this blog? i kinda like all of that madness and shopping at the last minute.  For real, it puts me in the Christmas spirit!  i actually think it’s fun to try and find a spot at the mall at Xmas, and then run from store to store like a lunatic trying to find presents at the last minute.  Because first of all, there is nothing that makes me know it’s Christmas more then being at a mall on Christmas Eve.  It’s Christmas MAYHEM!  It’s like Santa did a money shot of presents all over every store in the mall, and he fills everyone’s heart with their own special Xmas creampie!

And to those of you who think everything i’m saying is just ridiculous nonsense, aren’t any of you the kind of people who wait until the LAST minute for when you had to write a paper for school?  i mean yeah some of you would write a little bit every night until the assignment was done.  But the rest of us procrastinating douche bags would stay up ALL gddamn night the night before and try to write out an 8 page paper plus references, and we’d do it EVERY SINGLE TIME!  None of us would ever learn and do the write a little bit every day method like we should have, we all kept putting it off until the night before.  So now i’ve taken all of that fun and enjoyment and anxiety of that paper writing process and i’ve added some snowflakes and chestnuts to it to make my own personal Christmas shopping experience as fun as writing papers for school!  How does this not make sense to you people?!?

But yeah i know none of this makes sense to anyone, it’s just my personal way of celebrating this holiday and i figured i’d share it with you.  Not so much because anyone would know what i’m talking about specifically, but because we all have our own odd little quirks and idiosyncrasies and i was in the mood to share mine today with all of you today.  i mean for real, i’ve already told you guys about peeing my pants every day, getting a boner for the first time and i described in detail the many hangovers i spent on all fours throwing up into the shower while i try to push my bloody puke chunks down the drain.  Why not tell you a lovely story of little miguel jose getting into the Christmas spirit in the mall parking lot with a bunch of other present buying procrastinating aholes?  Tis the season!


– So i enjoy doing “Secret Santa” gifts with people in the office, or at your school, or wherever you people are that you do Secret Santa.  But don’t you find that you’re always disappointed in who you end up getting?  Like you never get the fun nice person who has a lot of hobbies that would be easy to shop for.  i always end up with the shady new guy that’s only been in the office for 2 weeks and who never talks and kind of seems like an a$$hole.  Because that’s awesome, i’d rather get him a gift then anyone else that is my actual buddy who i have formed a friendly relationship with.  And of course my guy isn’t into sports, or drinking, or ANYTHING cool that EVERY guy should be into!  But whatever, i hope you enjoy your Dunkin Donuts gift card you lame basterd, it’s the only thing i could pick up on my way to work on the day we’re exchanging our gifts!

– Why are those delicious crunchies in ice cream cake that everyone loves so much only used in ice cream cake?  How have they not found a way to put that $hit into EVERYTHING by now?  i mean for real, think about how amazing ice cream is.  And then realize that when you do eat ice cream cake that the ice cream is the least amazing part, and those crunchies are truly the thing that everyone wants and enjoys more then life itself!  And to be so gddamn delicious that you make ice cream second fiddle, yet you never make it into any other foods in the dessert kingdom doesn’t seem to make any sense to me.  Somebody get on this… 

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Hey people who call out “sick” from work, when you come in the next day you don’t have to do that awful acting job of pretending like you’re still really sick to convince us.  We didn’t believe you when you called out yesterday and we certainly don’t believe you today.  And trust us, no one gives a $hit anyway.  We all saw you post that Facebook status saying “At the mall for Christmas shopping!”  Or when you tagged yourself at that movie with your friend.  Or when you tweeted “What a great day to have off!”  We all know this and we all don’t care, they are your sick days so do with them what you wish.  But when you come in the next day like Meryl Streep on her death bed, coughing and wheezing and having to tell EVERYONE the same story about your stomach bug and how you couldn’t move and stop throwing up and how you almost went to the doctor, THAT is when we all hate you.  So just leave out the part the next day when you attempt to win that Academy award and everyone will be fine.

Fast Food Tips –  So i talked about Pizza Hut’s new “Doritos crust” pizza earlier in the week and i figured if any of you tried it right away you’ve probably been on the toilet bowl until just about…. now.  Which means you’re finally ready to hear about some even more new items from Pizza Hut!  If a Doritos crust sounds too disgusting for you, not only does that mean you are of a sane mind but you are also in luck!  Because P Hut now offers a bunch of other different “crust flavors” that you can choose from!  There’s toasted Parmesan, salted pretzel, honey sriracha, fiery red pepper, toasted cheddar, toasted asiago, and garlic buttery blend.  That last one, of course, was my old nickname in seventh grade. 

But apparently Pizza H has had enough of trying to get people to think their cheese and/or toppings are any good, so why not add flavor to the crust which is everyone’s least favorite part?  Makes sense to me! 

And that’s it for me today kids!  i’m super hung over today from my office Christmas party last night so there might be more grammar and spelling mistakes then usual.  But give me a break, it’s Friday!  And it’s time to start the weekend!  So let’s go exploring!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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