Well it’s official, murder is now legal in the state of California – Norm MacDonald "Weekend Update"

2 Dec

What is up kids?

So did everyone have the money Thanksgiving weekend?  i know i sure did, i ate so much food that my stomach was full to the brim with turkey and i had stuffing coming out of most to all of my orifices.  And no, that wasn’t gravy!
But after a nice little vacation i guess it’s time to get back to the real world, the kind of world where cops are allowed to shoot unarmed teens and not even have to go to trial over it.  Which you would think would be either too crazy or too rare to happen in this country these days, but instead we have cops shooting unarmed teens like hot cakes! Hot cakes, of course, being my old nickname in college…
And being a minority i guess i should bring up the fact that the cop is white and the unarmed kid that he shot was black but let’s be honest,  the bigger problem in this country is the cop culture that we currently have more then the black/brown/white issue.  Although don’t get me wrong, i know that a majority of the people in this country are racist as f*ck.  And i say that because a majority of the people in American are extremely ignorant, and ignorance is what breeds racism.  Anyone with any intelligence realizes that it’s individuals and their stupidity that are the problem, not the color of their skin.  i mean for real, is every white cop a racist basterd?  Nope.  Is every black teen guilty of something?  Nope.  Is every Italian guy a greasy wife beater wearing guido who grows a mustache just so that they can look like their mothers?  You would think the answer is yes, but it’s still NO!
So basically all of the racism that we have in this country comes from dumb, ignorant parents and people passing it on to others stupid enough to be racist it’s as simple as that.  This current Alpha male cop culture however is something that we all can help try to fix, and it starts with officers wearing cameras at all times.  Enough of this he said/he said stuff, especially when one of the hes’ shoots the other he and then we end up with only one extremely biased side of the story.  It’s already a proven fact that when cops wear cameras that these types of incidents and situations are GREATLY decreased, so why not put cameras on all of these cops and their police cars and let’s see what happened rather then get a one sided lawyer’s account of what happened after the fact?  i mean i know all of you white people want everyone on welfare to get drug tested before they get their money, so i’m guessing all of you same people would be huge fans of police officers wearing cameras and being held accountable for their actions as well!  Unless of course you’re one of those dumb ignorant racists i was talking about earlier….

And to everyone that wants to bring up the people who rioted in Ferguson and how stupid that is as your main point in this discussion… well you’re going to have to wait until Friday until i talk about that.  And i know that you all CAN’T WAIT for that blog!  Because nothing makes you people feel better then talking about how stupid and pointless all that rioting was!  And while i do agree with you i also think you’re making a HUGE f’n mistake worrying about that aspect of this case, and i’ll tell you why on Friday because this rant is already long enough.  And while that might be exactly what she said, it’s still time for some Random Nonsense so let’s just get to it!


– So yeah i totally ate WAY too much food at Thanksgiving dinner and ended up being a quiet full fat f*ck for the rest of the night.  And i’m really pissed off about it because for one, i ruined some quality family time with people that we don’t normally get together with.  But even more importantly then that, what the f*ck is my problem that i don’t know how to eat properly at this point in my life?!?  i mean for real, just by looking at my rotund belly you would automatically assume that i know how to eat since i apparently do it nonstop.  

But really miguel jose?  You needed to eat SO f*cking much at Thanksgiving that despite the fact that you were dying of thirst you couldn’t even drink water because you were so full that you might throw up from it? Wow, that was truly a classy performance guy.  i’m sure that really impressed all of the people in your girl’s family.  Although i’m sure they weren’t surprised, you look like your 8 months pregnant so they probably assumed that you were going to eat way too much anyway.  i just think that they also probably assumed that since you eat all of the f*cking time that you would be able to figure out how to stuff your fat face and still have a conversation at a family party.  But lucky for me i wasn’t able to because i’m fat AND stupid!  That’s win win ladies!
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Dew Droppers”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Why do i still get excited to get my mail?  It’s literally always garbage, yet i still check for it everyday like i’m going to get good news like a random check made out to me for some reason.  Which is funny, because it’s NEVER that.  i’m pretty sure it’s either junk mail, bills, and that’s it.  In fact, i can’t tell you the last time i got something in the mail that was even remotely good.  i mean don’t get me wrong, i do enjoy the pink notices that GEICO sends me when i’m behind on my insurance payment because i think the color is pretty.  But other then that i never gets nothing.  You would think with all of the awfulness i receive i would only Check The Mail like once a week, if that.  But nope, my dumbass will go and check everyday because i’m not smart.  Thank God i’m hot and great in the sack.

– Since i was speaking of stereotypes earlier enjoy this meme i saw posted by Bill H on how to catch a white girl! 
Fast Food Tips – Speaking of being a fatty fat fat a$$, if you’re looking to ruin your entire body’s health with the one appetizer that has the most amount of fat in America then look no further then Outback Steakhouse’s Blooming Onion with bloom sauce!  This delicious MONSTROSITY contains almost 2100 calories, 176.5 grams of fat, 50.9 grams of saturated fat, and 4,357 mg of sodium! 
By the way, this Bloomin Onion has the fat equivalent of more then 8 and a half slices of Dominos Brookyln Style Buffalo Chicken Pizza, or enough fat to make your heart stop and send you to an early grave!  But not before you end up on the toilet bowl for hours dying a deservedly slow and painful death.  But who cares about that, it’s Outback!  Gdday mate!  Let’s throw another dead miguel carcass on the barbie!
That’s it for me today kids!  And i hope you all come back on Friday for part Dos of my Michael Brown blog, even if you’re one of those angry white people i was talking about earlier in today’s rant haha.  But i hope everyone has a great week, i hope you all ate way less then i did on Thanksgiving and didn’t make a complete a$$ out of yourself and i’ll see you all back here on Friday!  Unless of course you are an unarmed black teenager.  Then my chances of seeing you this Friday are 50/50 at best!


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