Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt! It is so big. She looks like one of those rap guys’ girlfriends. They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute, ‘kay? I mean her butt is just so big. I can’t believe it’s just so round, it’s like, out there. I mean— gross. Look! She’s just so… black! – "Baby Got Back"

14 Nov

What is up kids?

“i’ll tell you what’s up you silly Hispanic comedy blogger, did you see that picture of Kim Kardashian’s ass that’s going around the interwebs?!? OMG miguel look at that butt!”

Yeah yeah i saw it.  And i will definitely admit it is one nice photo shopped ass, especially for a woman who is a new mother!  Although i know most of my white readers can’t handle a heiney that big.  On the flip side however, every minority male that saw that picture went from 6 to 12 in their pants IMMEDIATELY!

And to be honest the debate on liking big asses bores me, as we all know big asses are the best thing EVER and to think otherwise is nonsense.  i mean they didn’t come up with phrase “more cushin for the pushin” because guys DON’T like big asses!  And even if big asses intimidate you it’s okay you silly white people.  Just find a petite girl who is nothing but bones and do your best with your tiny penis to make her happy!

All jokes aside though, there is one thing that bothers me about this whole “ordeal” with these Kim Kardashian pictures, and that’s how f’n CRAZY social media is going over this.  i mean for real, it’s just a big ass people!  F’n RELAX!!!  Plus i really have to wonder if everyone on all of the talk radio shows and news outlets and TMZ type programs realize that Kim Kardashian already has a bunch of other nude pictures out there on the interwebs.  And oh yeah, she also already has a gddamn SEX TAPE!!!  One in which she gets banged every which way in the majority of her body cavities and ends up leaving with a gorgeous pearl necklace.  In fact, shes’ been plucked more times then the Rose of Tralee, biggest whore on Fifth avenue i’m told!  Props to anyone but Rob who gets that reference.

But seriously, can everyone in the media and/or the American public in general PLEASE stop being so gddamn lame?  Why is there so much attention dedicated to the Kardashians anyway, do people really give a f*ck about that family?  i swear, i’ll never understand it, just as much as i’ll never understand these people who HATE celebrities like Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber.  Why would you waste your time bothering to hate these people you’ve never met?  If anything it would make sense to me if you hated all of the people who put these talentless fools on a pedestal, rather then hating the actual celebrity themselves.  It’s the brain dead public that feeds into their awfulness and buys their products and goes to their shows that make these people so famous, and without the American public and without the media blowing smoke up their apparently GIGANTIC asses all of these “famous” people would be nothing.  So again, wouldn’t it make sense more to hate the people that make these “stars” famous and rich instead of hating the “stars” themselves?  That would make more sense to me.

But the truth is i know why people hate these “celebrities” so much, and it’s because people LOVE to judge others, ESPECIALLY famous people. There is nothing better for most people then to sit on their couch like a fat ass and watch all of these “Access Hollywood” or “E news daily” shows and then either laugh at them or get mad at whatever these famous people are up to now.  And i’ll never understand why it gives so many so much pleasure to hate on people that they have never met, but the sad truth is that they love to do it and it’s only getting worse.

But if i have any advice to those of you that get SO UPSET at what these celebrities are up to or what “scandalous” pictures they are posting now, it would be to just f*cking relax and finally think to yourself, who gives a f*cking $hit about these people?  And for real, shame on you for getting SO mad at someone like Kim Kardashian or Justin Bieber instead of realizing that being a “celebrity” is all nonsense anyway and has no importance on real life.  So why hate on Kim Kardashian?  Because she’s rich without having any talent?  i get that it’s annoying to someone who works hard like most of us to see someone make a sex tape and then be filthy rich the rest of her life but whatever, worry about yourself instead of caring who gets rich by being lucky.  Or getting lucky in Kim’s case.

And while i’m at it, why hate on Justin Bieber? Because he’s an arrogant a$$hole teenager who makes poor decisions and gets a ton of chicks?  i’ve got news for you, we were ALL annoying ahole teenagers.  Most of us just weren’t lucky enough to be filthy rich while being one.  So instead of getting SO angry at people like Kim and Justin, why not instead just realize WHO GIVES A F*CKING $HIT and just worry about yourself and your family and friends and loved ones and stop getting sucked into the NONSENSE the media tries to get you care about?  And oh yeah, don’t give me any of that “they are role models” garbage.  If your kids look up to idiots like Bieber or these awful sports stars that are always getting in trouble then i got news for you, you’re a $hitty parent and you need to teach your kids what real role models are supposed to be.

You people need to learn that it is an option to just not care about this bull$hit, i know that most people can’t and don’t realize this.  But me personally?  i’ve never heard the new Taylor Swift song “Shake it Off” nor have i ever heard the theme song from the movie “Frozen.” How have i been lucky enough to avoid this you’re asking?  By not giving a f*cking $hit!

And one last note before i get to my nonsense, and that’s that people really need to stop and think about all of the stuff that gets them so upset.  Because if you’re spending a lot of your days hating on famous people like the Kardashians and/or Justin Bieber then you are really wasting a lot of energy towards something that doesn’t deserve or need it.  Never forget that the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.  So if you “hate” these celebrities you are contributing to the problem more then you are helping it.  Me on the other hand, doesn’t give a f*ck about any of this, and when i go to sleep at night i don’t bother thinking about any of these ahole celebrities at all!  Except for maybe Kim because of this new picture of her gigantic sweet booty.  But you can’t blame me, i like big butts and i cannot lie!


– Speaking of going from 6 to 12 in your pants, can anyone else believe that the 80’s sitcom “Growing Pains” got away with having a character named “Boner” on the show?  How did they get away with that?  And yeah i know his name was Richard “Stabone,” so technically “Boner” could be just a fun nickname.  But c’mon folks, we all know what it meant!  And how funny is it that his first name was Richard? His name was literally “Dick Boner!”  Which now that i mention it would be a fantastic porn star name.  In fact, the only one that i know off hand that is better then that is my own personal porn star name, the one you get by using the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on.  Although if my girlfriend finds out about my secret past as “Sunshine Dakota” she might never forgive me! 
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  If it’s your girlfriend’s birthday, it’s pretty ghetto to just give her a gift card as a present.  And it’s even ghettoer to just give her straight up cash, like you can’t throw a bunch of 20’s in a card and be like “Happy birthday!” It’s extremely impersonal and it’s just a very tasteless gift.  But i have to say that really sucks, because even though it’s ghetto it is also the BEST gift ever!  i mean who doesn’t want gift cards and cash?  Everybody does!  Why would she want you buying her that lingerie that’s not even her size, or that scarf you thought looked “cool!” but really isn’t at all and she would never be caught dead wearing it in a million years?  Of course she doesn’t want that garbage, just give her the cash!
 But you can’t do that, because if her parents or family ask her “What did he get you for your birthday?” and she tells them “A Victoria Secret giftcard and $120 in twenties!” She and her family will think you’re a real creepo and a big bag of douche.  But that’s the worst because again, cash is the best gift and also it’s the EASIEST one to get her!!  It’s win win for everyone!  Except for the boyfriend that everyone hates of course.
A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Where With Alls”   i know, i know, i’m pushing it with that one.  Here’s a way better name…

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Tough Cookies” 
 See?  i told you!

– Before when i was looking for a funny “Frozen” pic this meme came up and it made me laugh so i’m posting it hoping it will do the same for you.  i know it will!

 Fast Food Tips –  How many times have you been eating Doritos and drinking Mountain Dew and have thought, “You know, i love this food and this beverage but i really wish that i could consume them both at the same time because i’m a psychopath!”  Yeah i know, too many times to count.  Well count no longer because your chance to finally live your dream is here NOW!

And by “dream” i mean nightmare, because Mountain Dew is garbage and adding Doritos to them will only make them taste worse and make me $hit faster.  But at least i’ll have all the energy i need to blast the Dew out my butt cheeks with all of the sugar and calories from this monstrosity!  And on a side note, this country needs to relax with their “new” ideas for food already.  For REAL!

And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone enjoyed today’s blog, i had some computer problems before and it was hard for me to get this up.  “That’s wha…” Don’t.  Just don’t.  

But anyways i hope everyone has the money weekend, enjoy this freezing cold weather and i’ll see you kids on Tuesday for an all new blog!

Cya Tuesday, Follow @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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