You’re jokin’, you’re jokin’! i can’t believe my ears! Would someone shut this fella up? i’m drownin’ in my tears! It’s funny, i’m laughing! You really are too much. And now with your permission, i’m going to do my stuff… – The Oogie Boogie Man "The Nightmare Before Christmas"

31 Oct


What is up trick or treaters? 

That’s right it’s Halloween, a holiday dedicated to fat kids who love free candy, as well as women who FINALLY get to dress up slutty without feeling ashamed about doing it!  It’s like a “Get out of Jail Free” card for being a wh0rebag! 
And you know what?  Good for you ladies!  Especially the uptight ones who always dress conservatively and never show any skin.  Until it’s Halloween of course, and then all of a sudden Janet in Accounting who never goes to happy hour is a sexy little kitty cat in a short dress and whiskers.  And for real, what’s wrong with that? Can we please stop pretending that expressing sexuality is such a terrible thing in this country?  There is literally nothing wrong with sex, or being sexy.  And i should know, because i’m so sexy it hurts! 
Why are people in America so uptight about sex?  i mean Janet Jackson flashed a boobie at the Half time show of the Superbowl a few years back and you would have literally thought she released the Ebola virus into the entire stadium the way everyone overreacted.  Who f’n gets offended at seeing one nipple for 3 seconds besides prudish lame a$$es?  i mean it’s the human body for crying out loud, what is so offensive about it?
Actually i know who gets so offended at the human body, and that’s religious people. They are truly the world’s biggest boobie buzzkills, which is funny because i’m pretty sure God created us in HIS image.  Why then is it so wrong for us is to look at his creation in it’s natural form?  Oh i know why, it’s because then people would look at each other’s naked private parts and have HORRIBLE and sinful thoughts, and we all know we can’t let that happen! Because everyone knows that as long as people wear clothes then no one will have any dirty sinful thoughts ever!
Or maybe not, and maybe all of these repressed feelings over sex are there because religion teaches us that sex without love and marriage is bad, despite the fact that we ALL have done it.  And since nobody grows up wanting to go to hell, we all get scared and anxious talking about sex despite the fact that it’s something we ALL want to do and something we all think about constantly, yet we’re taught to feel bad about that and Janet Jackson shows her old ass nipple and next thing we know the FCC is fining everyone millions of dollars just for wearing her birthday suit in public.

But oh well, if people are going to be so uptight and lame about sex there’s nothing i can do about it, and like i said at least they don’t have that mentality on Halloween!  Although since it’s Halloween, i guess before i end this rant i can tell you all the one thing that actually scares your oh so humble narrator.  And no it’s not death, because to be honest i’m not really that scared of dying.  i mean i DEFINITELY don’t want to anytime soon, but it’s nice to know that if i did die that all of those bill collectors that call me nonstop would be left with their pen!s in their hands instead of any money from me. In fact, hey bill collectors…

But the thing that scares me the most in this life is heights. i am DEATHLY afraid of heights!  And unfortunately it’s a fear that keeps me from experiencing a lot of the things that everyone else gets to enjoy. Like  i’ve never been to Great Adventure because i can’t go on any rides.  What am i going to do, stand and wait in line with everyone for hours and hours just to hold their bags when they finally get to go on and i get to stand and watch holding their stuff while they go on roller coasters?  No thanks!

Plus i get super panicked when driving over bridges, i can’t go up most escalators which means i can’t go to the movie theater at the Palisades Center unless i park up top, and i can’t climb ladders and/or enjoy the views from the tops of buildings because i get too scared and end up crying and $hitting my pants.  Haha just kidding, i don’t cry at all.  But yeah heights is the biggest fear i have, so if anyone was wondering now you know!  And oh yeah don’t make fun of me for it because i am sensitive about my fear and if you do mock me i’ll make sure i give you tricks AND treats from both of my fists!


– So i don’t know if i’m getting dressed up this year for the holiday but i guess it doesn’t matter, because nothing will ever top the year that i went as “Towelie” from South Park!  

– If you’re going to a Halloween party this weekend, you might want to try and stay away from doing any “Fireball” whiskey shots.  Not because they aren’t the most delicious shots on the face of the planet, and if you mix them with Rumchata they taste EXACTLY like the milk in a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  But if you haven’t heard the awful news there has apparently been a recall on this delicious tasting alcohol, because it turns out they may have allegedly used a chemical in Fireball that is also used in Anti-Freeze.

And i know what you’re thinking, “Enough with the government regulations!  We’re Americans and we drink what we want!  Besides, a little Anti Freeze never killed anyone, so shut your trap and pour the Fireball already!  U S and A  U S and A!”  And trust me, i agree with all of you.  i think everybody can drink whatever the F they want, and if you’re a drunken dumb ahole and you want to pour Anti-Freeze down you’re throat i say get that $hit chilled and tell that shot of delicious Fireball “Ice to see you!”

Really, you’re using this Fireball recall to drop an Arnold Schwarzenegger line from Batman Returns?”  C’mon, JEWELL!!   The least you could do is drop a “Total Recall” line instead, that’s a way better Colin Farell movie!  Oh wait, you thought i was talking about the Schwarzenegger movie? 
C’mon, JEWELL!!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “Boobie Buzzkills”  i guess you all had to see that one coming huh?  Oh well, i’ll give ya another one…

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Cray Crays”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – i’ll never understand people who watch “horror” movies.  Mostly because every single person who loves them always tells me how not scary they are.  So then what’s the gddamn point of watching them?  All you ever do is watch these so called “scary” movies and then say you never get scared.  Do you also watch comedies when you don’t feel like laughing? Do you put on hot milf porno when you want to get RID of a boner?  What’s next, are you going to sign up for a gym, pay $20 each month and then never go for 2 years like i did?  You horror people either need to start being scared by these movies, or at the very least start switching your tastes to another genre.  Like horror comedy!!!
Fast Food Tips – It’s Halloween on Friday, and what’s better then celebrating holiday by going to the city and looking at hot baby girls dressed up all slutty while getting drunk and begging for candy?  Nothing, that’s what!
But what’s the SECOND best thing about Halloween you’re probably asking?  This may be a surprise, but it is ALSO hot baby girls dressed up all slutty while getting drunk and begging for candy!
Now what’s the THIRD best thing about Halloween?  No, it’s not hot baby girls dressed up all slutty again. What are you, perverts?  Do you really think i would make that all 3 of the best things?  Of course not, especially when the third thing is 50 cent corn dogs from Sonic all day on Halloween!  And no i don’t mean G Unit hot dogs, i’m saying these corn dogs only cost half a dollar!
So don’t forget, once you’re done eating all of your children’s candy you can go to Sonic and get a “real” meal of good food for only 50 cents!  My advice to you though is to use the money you save on food and spend it on some soft, good quality toilet paper.  You’ll thank me in the end, and your end will thank me!! 
And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a fantastic Halloween weekend, i hope you all eat so much candy that you end up on all fours throwing up in your toilet, and i hope that when you’re done that you go back to your couch and eat even MORE candy now that you have room again in your stomach.  It’s the best way to celebrate a true American holiday!

Cya Tuesday with an all new blog!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

One Response to “You’re jokin’, you’re jokin’! i can’t believe my ears! Would someone shut this fella up? i’m drownin’ in my tears! It’s funny, i’m laughing! You really are too much. And now with your permission, i’m going to do my stuff… – The Oogie Boogie Man "The Nightmare Before Christmas"”

  1. Anonymous October 31, 2014 at 10:50 pm #

    A dude died this past week falling from the 4th floor escalator at Palisades Center.


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