I don’t go joy-poppin’ with bubble-gummers. My friends can handle their highs! – Lance "Pulp Fiction"

17 Oct
THE BLOG WHERE SOMEONE THROWS UP EVERYWHERE AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING AND FOR ONCE IT’S NOT ME 
What is up kids?

i’ll tell you what’s up, call me Rebecca Black because i’m an untalented fool on the Interwebs with a hit YouTube video!  And also because it’s Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday, everybody’s looking forward to the weekend!  MAN was that a fun and catchy song!  How did that girl not win a Grammy for that?  Besides the fact that it’s awful kid garbage that anyone who repeats or sings it should be shot i mean.  Except for yours truly of course, especially when it’s a Friday, Friday, getting down on Friday!
 
But yeah i hope everyone has plans to drink and smoke and snort and inject and swallow and lick and just do WHATEVER you have to to do to make sure  you have the money time this weekend!  And i’m not kidding, if you’re down for any of that stuff i hope you do whatever makes you happy, just as long as you’re old enough and responsible enough to do so and you don’t bother anyone else.  And most importantly, you can do whatever you want as long as you can handle you’re $hit!  That’s a big deal to me, because i don’t dig hanging out with fools who bug out or get all weird and nutty when they are drinking alcohol and/or are  doing “substances.”  In fact, I don’t go joy-poppin’ with bubble-gummers, my friends can handle their highs!

But speaking of not being able to handle said stuff, today i want to tell you a story from back when i was in high school.  A tale about one of my younger friends who DEFINITELY couldn’t handle his liquor.  And no i’m not talking about a little 16 year old miguel jose, that kid could handle his alcohol!  If by handle you mean spending every morning after a late night of drinking at the park across the street throwing up into a ditch and then ending up on the toilet bowl for hours…

But this story isn’t about little ol’ me, for once it’s actually about someone else!  It was this guy Mike who was only a junior when we were Seniors, but for some reason this young rascal thought he could hang with the big boys and drink with us!  Which to his defense has was able to do, it was just the handling of the drinking afterwards that ended up being his problem.  Because as we were driving home in my friends mom’s red van he started getting sick.  Yet this young buck wasn’t smart enough to know that you’re better off throwing up in a park, or a toilet, or ANYWHERE that wasn’t my friend’s mom’s red van!  So instead, he got sick in the back of the car and threw up alcohol and the spaghetti he apparently eaten earlier in the night all over the backseat!  It was a nightmare!

And i learned something important on that day, and that is if someone throws up in your car you will NEVER get that smell out of your car… EVER!!!  For real, that kid Mike who threw up is old enough to have his own kids that are juniors in high school now, and that smell STILL hasn’t come out of that red van!  And it’s incredible to realize that you can pretty much get over any mistake that you make in your life, from saying a racist comment when you didn’t know the cameras were on, to running a dog fighting ring and still getting another job as a quarterback (even if it’s with a piss poor NFL team), to even starting a war with a country over the false claim that they have WMD’s and then having a “Mission Accomplished” sign wave over you despite the fact the war would still go on for over a decade.

But if there is ONE mistake that you can never come back from, it’s throwing up inside of a car.  i know i drop a ton of nonsense on you kids blog in and blog out, but i hope this nugget of information sticks with you.  Kind of like how their were nuggest of spaghetti and meatballs sticking to the back seat of the car for as long as he owned it.  So whatever you do, never throw up in a car people!  Because this story happened 53 years ago, and that lovely spaghetti and beer and vomit smell is so ingrained into the fabric of my friend’s mom’s red van that no amount of Febreeze or airing it out or even apparently any length of time will EVER let it go…


RANDOM NONSENSE

– i don’t know what everyone plans on being this year for Halloween, but if there is one costume i’m going to tell you not to wear its’ one of those Hazmat suits with an EBOLA sign on it.  Not because i find it offensive, because to be honest i couldn’t possibly care less about this Ebola “scare” and i think it’s ridiculous people are actually scared about something that has killed one or two people in this country when guns are responsible for over 30,000 deaths per year with 20 instances of mass murder caused by guns as well.  When you look at those facts it’s Ebola that gets you so scared you $hit your pants?  Really???

But yeah i don’t find this costume offensive. i find it lame and unoriginal and everyone’s going to do it, so if you end up being one of those people just know i find you so lame and unoriginal that i actually am offended now. Trick or treat! 
A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Joy Poppers”      

C’mon, JEWELL!!   You had to see that coming!  

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE –  There should be a special place in hell reserved for a$$holes at your job who take food out of the refrigerator that isn’t theirs.  What the f*ck is your problem, you ghetto food stealing motherf*ckers?  You’re that much of a thieving dirtbag that you need to take food that isn’t yours at work?  Because it’s not bad enough that i gotta be here 9-5 Monday through Friday every single week of my entire life, just to not be able to afford to pay any of my bills on time and/or go on a real vacation EVER.  Now i gotta deal with some f*ckhead i work with stealing my leftovers from Chili’s the night before so i have to starve the rest of the day?  Thanks man, i really appreciate it.  The only thing i would appreciate more is if i could catch you doing it.  Boy i wish i could’ve caught him doing it.  i’d have given anything to catch that a$$hole doing it.  It’d been worth him doing it, just so i could’ve caught him doing it…  
 
Fast Food Tips – So i’m not gonna front and tell you that Burger King has better nuggets then McDonalds because that would be a dirty, filthy lie.  But i will tell you that right now BK is selling 10 nuggest for $1.49 which means that you can get 20 nuggets for only $4!  Wait, that’s not right.  Is it $5.50?  Hold on, i need to get a calculator… ok i’m back.  So yeah like i was saying you can get 20 nuggets from Burger King for only $3!  What a deal!  
As for dipping sauces you can get BBQ, Honey Mustard, Ranch, Zesty, Buffalo, and Sweet & Sour.  And don’t forget from one of my earliest fast food tips to ask for EXACTLY how many sauces you want of each when ordering!  Don’t say “i want honey mustard and BBQ please!” Because then you’ll get 1 of each and you’ll be left eating dry sauceless nuggets.  When you’re ordering you need to say “i need TWO bbq, TWO buffalo, TWO sweet and sour and TWO Ranch please!”  And then when you’re eating your nuggets with all of the dipping sauces you desire you can have me to thank for it!  And you can be sure that once i get home i’ll be dipping my own personal nuggets in all of the creamy sauce i want!
And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope today’s blog inspires you to go out and do something this weekend, even if it’s only sitting on your couch watching television eating $1.49 BK nuggets until you’re heart explodes.  If that’s what makes you have a good time then go do it!  But if you go out anywhere afterwards and you start to feel sick from eating all of that fake “chicken,” whatever you do don’t get sick in your car!  

Cya Tuesday!  @migueljose_85 on Twitter

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