Think you gotta keep me iced, you don’t. Think i’m gonna spend your cash, i won’t. Even if you were broke my love don’t cost a thing. – Jennifer Lopez "Love Don’t Cost a Thing"

14 Oct


What is up kids?

So did any of you notice something different about today’s blog?  i’m sure you didn’t so i’ll just tell you, it’s actually posted on time today!  Do you believe in miracles?!?  My fat dumb lazy a$$ actually put up a Tuesday blog when it was supposed to be up!  There is a God!!!
Anyways, i hope you all had the money weekend.  i know i sure did!  i mean sure i never left my place and/or did anything except hang out with my money girl and some awesome people who came by, but that is all i need to have a fun weekend these days!  i don’t need to be going out and spending money i don’t have like i used to when i was younger.  Back then i would spend all sorts of duckets on expensive alcohol and high priced shots when i should have been saving up for being a grown up instead.  But oh well, there’s nothing i can do about my past, what’s done is done!  Well except for actually starting to save up now since i’m already an adult and need to start to plan my life with my girl.  Because apparently being a broke ass lowlife who is ridiculously handsome and funny doesn’t pay the bills.  Who would have guessed?  i don’t know, maybe it’s time that i went back to that job i had when i was in college?  It’s not the most glamorous profession but at least they were able to make a movie out of my story…
But yeah while i definitely don’t go out as much as i used to, thinking about that fact did make me think of a funny story of a time when i was younger and did still like to go out and party.  i’m talking back when i would actually pre-game at one bar before going to the real one we planned on hanging out at all night.  Remember pre-gaming like that back in the day?  Now my pre-games revolve around me doing a power hour by myself before getting too drunk and sick and throwing up and deucing myself to no end and then never leaving the couch and/or toilet bowl…
But this story i’m about to tell you is about my night in the city with my boys, or at least the bar we were pregaming at in Hoboken before we went out.  i think the bar was called the Wilton House but i’m probably wrong, i’m sure Harrison will remind me because he was there for this story and he remembers everything.  But yeah this bar was a total dive, and the only reason we went there to pregame was because they had like $2 draft beers or something.  So all of us went in there ready to pound some cheap drinks and watch football, but for some reason the lady behind the bar REFUSED to put our game on the t.v.  We asked her nicely in the beginning to please put on the game and the lady was just like “we don’t have that channel!” and then never put it on.  So Harrison goes to the lady ” um, excuse me ma’am?  i have the same cable provider that you have and the reason you don’t think the game is on is because you keep putting on the wrong channel.  Could you please put on channel 420 so we could watch the game please?”  And the lady was still like , “Nope, we don’t have it!” and then never put the game on.

Thanks a lot you bitch!  It’s bad enough that this place is a total dive and the only people in there are their scumbag regulars who are all older racist white dudes who are bald with tattoos and look like Sons of Anarchy rejects.  Now you won’t even put on the channel that we KNOW the football game is on even though we asked nicely a bunch of times to do so?  i think we need to teach you fools a lesson!  And teach them a lesson we did, as we prepared to get the greatest revenge ever!

So remember how i said the entire crowd in this place was lowlife biker white trash? Well we thought it would be funny if before we left that bar if we put a few songs on the jukebox.  And by a few songs i mean over 20, and by “songs” i mean we only picked one.  And that one song was “Love Don’t Cost a Thing” by Jennfier Lopez!  If you don’t remember this song it’s an EXTREMELY long cheesy pop song that i’m sure no one in that bar had ever heard before, but i guarantee that they definitely know it now!  Because we put in enough money to play that one song 20 TIMES IN A ROW, and we left the bar right as the music started for the first one.  And to be honest i almost wished one of stayed behind, or at least went back an hour later to see the looks on those aholes faces as the realization of that song being played OVER AND OVER again finally hit them, i mean for real we put enough money to play that song for the rest of the weekend!  And if i had to make a bet i would guarantee that at some point they would have just pulled the plug on that thing, because there is NO WAY they would have been able to handle hearing that song once let alone the 20 times we put it in for.   But i’d like to think they weren’t able to turn the jukebox off and they were stuck listening to J-Lo’s lyrics until they finally realized what pathetic low life dirtbags they were and how awful their lives are.  That’s probably not what happened but i can dream, can’t i?


– So if you’re a woman or a feminine man who owns a purse, NEVER set it on the ground!  Apparently if you do this you are telling the money Gods that you want to be broke, not to mention that you’re also saying that you have a ghetto ass purse and you don’t care if it’s on the dirty ass ground!  But being ghetto is one thing, because for real i have ZERO problems with being ghetto.  Every sugar packet that i own says “Dunkin Donuts” on it because i always straight rape that place of all it’s sugar when i go, and all the napkins in my house say “Wendy’s’ on it for the exact same reason.  But if putting your purse on the ground means you will lose money then ghetto or not you should stop doing it because you don’t want to be broke!  And i don’t know the science behind this fact, i’m guessing it’s the same laws that say you’re not supposed to buy the girl/guy you’re with shoes as a present because then you’re asking them to walk out of your life.  But i don’t make these rules, i just follow them! 

The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week…  This week is actually a surprise, because the guy who F’d me the most was myself!  Can someone PLEASE tell me what i was thinking benching DeMarco Murray this past weekend?  What could possibly make me do that?!?  Is it because he’s by far the best running back in the league right now?  Is it because Dallas has an incredible offensive line and with Romo being a fair to poor quarterback at best that OF COURSE they need to stick with the run and give Murray the ball a bunch of times so he runs for 115 yards and a touchdown while also catching a few passes for 31 yards receiving as well?  What the F*ck was i thinking?!!

Well maybe you were thinking about how Seattle has the BEST defense at home, and how up until last Sunday no running back has run for over 40 yards this year!  And maybe you were banking on the fact that Romo would choke, the same way he does in any big situation! And maybe you were fine putting in Andre Ellington because he scored over 30 fantasy points the week before and you figured he had a much better matchup since he wasn’t going against the incredible Seahawks defense!  Especially when Russell Wilson has only lost 1 game ever at home until yesterday!  You took a risk and it didn’t work out, don’t let that make you think you aren’t the moneyest fantasy football player around!”  Wow, you’re right. Thanks for that!  i AM the gddamn money fantasy football player!  F*ck you Dallas!  And F*ck you Romo!  See you this Sunday against the G-men ya jerks!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Oopsie Dasies”    And yeah i think i’ve used this one before but man i still think it’s fantastic!

Fast Food Tips – So i’ve never been in a “Little Ceasars” in my life, which is funny because i’ve seen the “Pizza Pizza!” commercials my entire life.  i remember being like 6 years old and seeing their commercials advertising $5 pizzas and being like “holy $hitballs i’m only 6 years old and i can afford that!”  Flash forward 30 years later and i’m still seeing these commercials, yet i still have zero clue where i can find a Little Ceasars pizza place.  Which SUCKS because apparently they have a brand new Soft Pretzel Crust Pizza that i need to shove in my face hole immediately!  This debacle is advertised on their website as something that : starts with a flavorful, buttery, soft pretzel crust made fresh daily in store. It is topped with creamy cheddar cheese sauce, a blend of 100% real cheese, and pepperoni, and then finished with an irresistible four-cheese gourmet blend of Asiago, Fontina, Parmesan, and White Cheddar cheeses. Only Little Caesars offers a mouthwatering, premium pretzel crust pizza at a tremendous value, with no calling, waiting or online ordering hassle required thanks to the convenience of HOT-N-READY!

So yeah, basically they are telling you there is literally zero wait before you get this mouthful of fake awful ingredients down your throat and end up on the bowl releasing a  creamy cheddar cheese sauce out your HOT-N-READY butt cheeks with literally no calling, waiting or online ordering hassle!  i don’t know if i made this pizza sound appetizing or if you’ll ever find an actual Little Ceasars restaurant but if anyone can answer either one of those questions let me know!  Pizza Pizza!   

And that’s it for me today kids!  Hopefully there aren’t too many spelling and/or grammar mistakes on this blog because i didn’t have my normal chance to proofread this.  And YES i know i normally have a ton of both so even if i do today no one will notice.

But whatever, it’s up on time and that’s what she said!  And oh yeah, if someone could do me on a favor besides coming back this Friday for an all new blog, please can one of you watch my episode of “Better Off Dead” from VHS Breakdown Season One?  i only need ONE MORE view to get to 600 for this one and that would make me feel good so someone do that please 🙂

And i’ll cya kids on Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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