Haven’t we had about enough of this cigar smoking $hit in this country? Sigmund Freud said ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.’ Oh, yeah? Well, sometimes it’s a big, brown d!ck, with a fat, arrogant, white-collar business criminal a$$hole sucking on the wet end of it. – George Carlin

7 Oct
What is up kids?

It’s a beautiful fall afternoon, and yours truly couldn’t be happier!  Well that’s not true, i only won two of my 4 leagues in fantasy football this past weekend so i’m a little down about that.  Mostly because when you’re as dominant of a fantasy player as i am you expect to go 4 – 0 every week!  But even Jesus himself wasn’t perfect, and therefore i am choosing not to be so hard on myself.  Even though just like our Lord and savior i did have plenty of bread and wine this weekend!  And by bread i mean pizza, and by wine i mean i drank 3 or 4 bottles from Friday night into Saturday plus some shots of Fireball.  So if you were at the beach this weekend you would have seen ZERO sets of footprints in the sand, because on Sunday i was a hungover MESS and my fat dumb ass couldn’t even be carried.  In fact, if you saw anything in the sand it was probably an imprint of me face planting!

But this weekend wasn’t all me boozing and eating pizza and telling blasphemous jokes.  i also got to see Rob slap his bass all night on Saturday, and i mean he slapped it HARD.  He grabbed his thick, sweaty bass between his legs and slapped that $hit until he was covered in sweat and other bodily fluids while sticking out his tongue and dancing around while he slapped it again and again.  And oh yeah, i also saw him on stage when he played with his band “Toy Canon!’ 

 If you didn’t get out to see this awesome show then you only have yourself to blame, because i definitely told all of you about Rob’s band playing at The Orange Lantern in Paramus on Friday’s blog.  So if you blew it that’s on you! (That’s what she said)  But speaking of blowing it (that’s what she said), for the second week in a row i need to apologize for posting my Tuesday blog so late.  i’m still posting it on Tuesday which is a step up from last week, but i do try to get it up by noon (that’s what she said) so when i don’t i feel kinda bad even though no one ever complains and i don’t get paid to do this or anything.

But yeah, if this keeps happening i may have to change my blog schedule from now on.  Maybe instead of Tuesday mornings i’ll start posting on Mondays or Wednesdays.  Or maybe i’ll just post my Tuesday blog at 4:20 going forward instead of at noon?  i don’t know, does anyone have any ideas or suggestions for me?  “Yeah i got one, why don’t you stop being so lazy and just write that $hit on time?  And why don’t you try being funnier and more original while you’re at it?  And also, when are you going to start losing weight? You’re a big fat out of shape f*ck and once you die of diabetes you won’t have to worry about posting blogs anymore!”

Wow, that really wasn’t helpful at all.  And i still don’t know what i’m going to do about posting these, but this Tuesday morning stuff is just getting too tough for me.  Mostly because i’m at work, and i just don’t have access to a computer to post it.  But also like my “friend” mentioned before i’m just too tired and lazy to finish it on Monday nights.  “And fat!” Oh yeah, that too…
But whatever, my blog is up now so let’s think about all of this stuff later and let’s just get to the Random Nonsense already, shall we? 


– Is there ANYTHING more obnoxious on the planet then someone who smokes cigars?  Jeebus Tap Dancing Christmas, do you really need to shove that big fat smelly cancer factory in your mouth and ruin the area for everyone around you within a mile radius?  Unless you are in a cigar bar or your own smoke filled disgusting house by yourself, you should NEVER light up a cigar anywhere.  If only because there is the concept of other people who might actually hate the smell of horrific cigar smoke.  You know, the kind of people who hope you suck on that brown nicotine filled penis as the white sperm like smoke fills your belly with  swimmies of death.  i hope you enjoy the cancer creampie your lungs are getting while the rest of us who are smart enough empty out  those disgusting cigars and their awful tobacco and instead fill that blunt with Mary Jane the way God intended!

– Am i the only person who still loves lava lamps?  For real, they are the gddamn MONEY! i mean honestly, what’s better then enjoying one of the good “cigars” i just mentioned above and sitting and looking at a lava lamp for hours on end?  Nothing, that’s what.  The colors are awesome, all the crazy shapes and patterns that the “lava” makes is hypnotic, and they instantly make any room a fun and classy place to be.  Yet no one talks about and/or has them anymore!  Good thing i don’t pay attention to what the public actually likes, because if i did i would watch awful shows like “The Big Bang Theory” and i would take selfies nonstop and put them on Instagram and i would also have zero lava lamps in my room instead of the 4 and counting i do have!  You people are straight up silly sometimes…

 A Great Name for a Punk Band!  “The Sweet Teeth”

The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week Is … -C’mon Megatron!  You were my number one pick in fantasy football, and i NEVER take wide receivers in the first round ever!  And then after being the money in the beginning of the season you go DOS weeks in a row  where you need to bang me in the a$$ and get zero points?  i mean i guess it is my fault, he is a Decepticon for crying out loud.  But the whole point of me picking a football player who is so dominant that he gets the nickname “Megatron” was to whoop some a$$ in my fantasy leagues.  Now the next thing i know i suffer an embarrassing loss to Rob!  Forget everything i said about Jesus and the Footprints in the sand because there is no God!  Not when i lose to Rob!
And that’s it for me today kids! And for real, let me know what you kids think i should do on Tuesdays going forward because as of now I gots none clue.  i’m thinking i’ll just keep it on Tuesday’s  and i’ll just post it whenever i damn well please i guess.  Kinda like i did today!

But i hope you all have a great week and i’ll see you kids back here on Friday, probably right on time too!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


3 Responses to “Haven’t we had about enough of this cigar smoking $hit in this country? Sigmund Freud said ‘Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.’ Oh, yeah? Well, sometimes it’s a big, brown d!ck, with a fat, arrogant, white-collar business criminal a$$hole sucking on the wet end of it. – George Carlin”

  1. Johnny Lats October 8, 2014 at 12:50 am #

    You can't finish it of Monday nights? -That's what she said.

    Maybe you should get back to those lat raises. I told you.


  2. Ceampie Jerry October 8, 2014 at 12:54 am #

    You can't finish it off monday nights? WHAT'S HIS NAME?


  3. Jonathan F. Laterals October 8, 2014 at 1:18 am #

    ideally you could release a vhs breakdownwhere video once a week and a blog once a week. That would be sweet. Or instead you could change up the tuesday format completely so that it would be less work for you. Keep friday the same. Maybe on tuesday you could post some sort of 'spotlight comedy' thing or 'best current comedy' thing or whatever you want to call it. Basically, an existing youtube/blog/podcast that you link to or repost of awesome comedy you recommend. You know- to educate us and expand our comedy horizons. Carlin, Rock, Chapelle, Rogan… a lot of stuff out there. Get obscure with Rascals, with Hicks. Have a syllabus nigga. You could even have us watch it on tuesday and then have a section discussing it on friday. Like homework for us. The lack of a blog- just a video, or even a book excerpt- on tuesday would even be sorta of tantalizing. Like, wow, we're talking about this on friday, can't wait. If you run short on material just post holocaust footage for pure haha's. eh, but idk, I'm just drunk on red wine so don't listen to me. you could just do a once a week blog instead.


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