South of the border, down Mexico way. That’s where I fell in love, when the stars above came out to play. And now as I wander, my thoughts ever stray. South of the border, down Mexico way – Frank Sinatra

1 Oct


What is up kids?

So i’m sorry i’m posting this a day late, i got caught up for a hot minute.  And by “caught up” i mean i was too tired the other night to finish this and then i had work early in morning so i just couldn’t write it.  And oh yeah, LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!
Anyways… i probably should have told this story i’m about to tell you over the summer when it was hot out and people were still taking vacations.  But whatever, lucky for you you’re gonna hear it now!  But this story is really for all of the people who live in the tri-state area and have ever made the drive to Florida in their car.  Has anyone else made this HORRIFIC nightmare of a car ride?  i can remember the first and last time i drove it, and by drive it i mean i was 11 years old and i made the trip in the back seat of my dad’s station wagon with me and my little sister Rachael and brother Tomas jammed in the back seat.
Now if you’re too young to know what a station wagon is just picture the nice big SUV that your family has now.  You know, the one where everyone in the family has plenty of room and you also have a television in the back so that you can play DVD’s so that the kids can watch a movie instead of going crazy for a 24 hour ride?  Now go ahead and picture the exact OPPOSITE of that! Goodness gracious riding in those cars was the worst!  And riding with your siblings stacked on top of you made it even more unbearable!  You literally have more room sitting Coach in the middle seat between two fat guys on a US airways flight to Atlanta.  “Hey tons of fun!  Are YOU one of the fat guys that you’re referring too in this example?  Because trust me, it’s definitely no fun being next to you on a plane, a bus, a car, or any form of transportation for that matter!” 

You may have a point, but i’m not talking about me as i am now.  i’m talking about when i was a skinny little Mexican jumping bean riding in the back of a station wagon with my little brother and sister.  And i don’t remember much from that ride, but i do remember that it was terrible, and that it was so f*cking BORING.  Holy $hitballs is that a boring drive!  In fact, the only excitement to be had on a trip to Florida is reading all of the “South of the Border” billboards that you start seeing about 500 miles before you even get to the North/South Carolina border.  

For real, is there a more brain washing advertising technique in all of human history?  If you are driving to Florida it is IMPOSSIBLE not to stop at South of the Border!  Forget for the kids, even as an adult you’re reading a new sign for this place every two minutes and are convinced that you need to go there.  It doesn’t matter if all of the kids are sleeping when you finally get there, because after those billboards fill your head with South of the Border nonsense for 11 hours straight you’re going to motherf*cking stop there!

And the funniest thing about all of it is that South of the Border sucks!  i literally don’t remember one fun thing about that place, unless you count me getting sick when eating at whatever restaurant we went too there.  But yeah you can call South of the Border the “prom” of places to go because there is ALL of this insane build up to it and the payoff literally sucks ass.  Although when you do finally get sucked into going there, make sure you get a “South of the Border” bumper sticker so that anyone who sees your car knows that you also got roped into that awful destination and went through that hell together.  Because it sure is nice to know that we’re ALL dicks! 


–  So i never really understood the phrase, “i wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy!” Because OF COURSE i would wish that on my worst enemy!  What kind of “worst” enemies do you guys have that you actually feel bad for them?  i wish all sorts of $hit on my worst enemy.  Cancer, car wrecks, Ebola, massive diarrhea attacks, you name it.  Now don’t get me wrong, i don’t wish that stuff on most people.  But my worst enemy?  You’d better hope i don’t find a genie in a bottle, because my first wish is going to be ass cancer on you!  And yes my second wish will be for infinite more wishes, i understand how this process works!
The Guy Who F*CKED Me In Fantasy Football This Week…  When i had the third overall pick in my fantasy football draft i thought i had lucked out by getting Lesean McCoy.  But for real, McCoy is straight up McMURDERING me!  And the worst thing about it is that i f’n hate the Eagles with a passion.  So not only do i have to root for someone on one of my most hated teams, but then i get double F’d when he puts up zero points and i lose to the tallest and sexiest Jewish guy in my fantasy league.  So F you to the Eagles and F you to McCoy for McF*cking in the McAss left and right in fantasy football.  And F you to every Philly sport team too while i’m at it, that is a miserable town with awful fans and i’m using my third wish on massive diarrhea attacks for all of you! 
Fast Food Tips – After finally realizing their coffee is second rate at best, Dunkin Donuts is actually trying to get my business by introducing their new “Dark” roast coffee. And no, that doesn’t mean this coffee is for minorities only.  It means that DD finally realizes their weak ass brew isn’t good enough for those of us who actually need to wake up in the morning and they will now be selling a dark brew to give me the cocaine like jolt i need to be awake and aware at my desk at 9 a.m.  They were actually giving free samples of it away Monday, but if you missed out on that they are also selling Medium Dark Roasts for 99 cents for most of October.  i’ve had two of these dark brews already i must admit they are pretty money, and that’s coming from a Starbucks snob!  So if you’re forced to go to Dunkin make sure you pick up one of these and you will not be sorry!  Except for the runs you will get for drinking dark coffee, because America gets the runs from Dunkin!
And that’s it for me today kids! Again my apologies for posting this a day late, my access to computers is limited these days but hopefully this doesn’t become a problem going forward.  But one thing that isn’t limited is the free ha-ha’s i put out for all of you twice a week, so while i am sorry i blew it with posting this on time at least it didn’t cost you anything.  Except for the 99 cent medium dark roast coffee you spilled all over yourself from laughing so hard!

But have a great hump day and i’ll see you kids on Friday with an all new blog!  Hopefully!

Cya Friday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


2 Responses to “South of the border, down Mexico way. That’s where I fell in love, when the stars above came out to play. And now as I wander, my thoughts ever stray. South of the border, down Mexico way – Frank Sinatra”

  1. Johnny Lats October 1, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

    All this time I've been asking down where. Mexico. Down in Mexico. It all makes sense now.

    Dark roast for minorities.. hahaha.


  2. Ceampie Jerry October 1, 2014 at 6:19 pm #

    I'm a huge eagles fan. They're hard work and dedication inspires me, a lot of those players have touched my life. And I've certainly touched theirs.


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