Don’t push me cause I’m close to the edge. I’m trying not to lose my head. It’s like a jungle sometimes, it makes me wonder how I keep from goin’ under. – Grandmaster Flash "The Message"

19 Sep

What is up kids?

So is anyone else besides me dying to go to a concert, or a football game, or even a Broadway play?  i haven’t been to anything in FOREVER and i have to say i’m itching to go to something.  “Are you sure it’s that miguel?  Maybe you’re itching because you’re a dirty Hispanic who never showers?  That would probably explain the smell too! 

Wow, that’s a pretty racist way to start off a Friday blog guy.  But back to my point, i love going to shows of any, kind but i haven’t been able to recently because i’ve been a little broke lately.  And by “recently” i mean in the last couple of years or so, and by “lately” i mean i’ve been broke since 2007.  And while it’s true that as i’ve gotten older i don’t feel the same need to go to events as much anymore, mostly because i’d rather watch a football game or concert from the comfort of my own couch as i’m able to eat and drink as much alcohol as i want in my comfy sweat pants and even get to pause the t.v. for my several trips to the bathroom as i eat White Castle until my stomach and anus feel like they are going to explode.
What the hell was i talking about?  Oh yeah, going to shows.  i do miss going to shows, but one thing i definitely don’t miss is holding the tickets for the event.  Isn’t holding tickets for something THE WORST?!?  i NEVER want to do it! i get so much anxiety over whether i’m going to lose the tickets or not, and i LITERALLY have to grab them in my pants to make sure i have them every 3 seconds.  And yes by grab the tickets in my pants i mean my penis.  C’mon, grow up everyone!
But i hate holding tickets for any event, i don’t care if it’s a football game, a concert, or even a play.   “When the hell have you ever gone to a play miguel?  Do they make Broadway plays about beer pong and watching Comedy Central and being a lazy Mexican?  Because we all know you have zero culture and are a borderline lowlife.”  First of all, i’ve been to plenty of plays.   Secondly, why are you so mean and racist today?  It’s Friday, we should all be in a good mood!

So yeah i don’t really have a point to all of this, although when you think about it i could pretty much say that about every rant i do.  But i do have some hilarious “Random Nonsense” for you today so why i don’t just get to that already!  


– i cannot STAND the people who wait in long lines to be the first one to get the new Iphone 6, or any phone for that matter.  How empty and pointless is your life that you’re willing to stand outside in a line with a bunch of other crazy people just to get a new phone?  You really need it that bad?  How brainwashed by society and Apple are you that you need to get the next new phone IMMEDIATELY!!!  i’m not sure, but all i know is that every time i see those lines i always wish for rain and snow and any sort of miserable weather to pour down upon you just so you realize how pathetic you really are.
And oh yeah i also wish for these aholes to drop these phones as soon as they open them, and lucky for me it not only happened but they caught it on camera as well!  Maybe there IS a God!
A Great Name for a Punk Band! “Goodness Gracious”
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- What is it with white people and gay recreational sports?  “Whoo hoo Kickball! Dodgeball!  Flag Football early on Sunday mornings!  Co-ed Softball!”  Why do you white people always have to engage in this nonsense?  There must be some theory behind it but i’m too tired and not smart enough to figure it out right now.  When minorities want to play a game it’s always just them calling their friends saying, “Want to play basketball tonight?”  or “Want to get a game going?”  White people are not happy unless there is a referee and they get to wear uniforms and come up with some stupid not funny team name and they have to pay some sort of bull$hit league fees.  “Everything must be organized!”  Oh yeah?  Have fun with that.  i’m not really sure why you find the need to play all of the games we played in grade school gym class as an adult but whatever, have fun against the Purple Cobras you Average Joes.  i’ll be at the bar talking to women while you sprain your ankle again. 

“Facebook Etiquette”- In the funniest Facebook news i’ve heard in a long time, it’s been learned that Grandmothers are having a hard time posting “Happy Birthday!” or other messages on their family’s Facebook pages.  Not so much in writing the message, but apparently when they go to write “Love Grandma,” as soon as start typing Grandma “Grandmaster Flash” pops up instead.  So all of these Grandma’s are tagging the old school rap legend which i personally find funny as hell.

And mad props to my own mother, who even though she’s a grandma she has been smart enough to avoid doing it so far!  But to the rest of all y’all nanas you don’t have to tell me how it’s a jungle sometimes, i already know that!
And that’s it for me today kids!  Thanks to all of you who read my blog, especially lately because i’ve been getting a crazy about of views lately!  Either i’m getting funnier or… nope, i guess that’s it.  i’m getting funnier!  So thanks for noticing, thanks for reading, and thanks for coming back here on Tuesday when i put out another all new hilarious comedy blog!

Cya Tuesday, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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