I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive. – Joan Rivers

5 Sep

What is up kids?  Can we talk?

Well it’s the first Friday in September, and it’s also the first Friday that this planet goes on without Joan Rivers since 1933.  And while normally i don’t spend rants talking about dead celebrities that i’ve never even met, i was a big fan of Joan Rivers and i have to say it sucks that she’s gone.

i don’t know how many of you actually knew her comedy, but Joan was straight up RUTHLESS.  Like a million times more ruthless then i’ve ever been on this blog.  And i don’t even mean just when it comes to fashion, because most ladies probably already know how mean she can be when making fun of someone’s outfit.  i’m talking about the jokes she made in her comedy, the ones that truly knew no bounds!

And yeah maybe she pulled a poor move when she got a show opposite Johnny Carson after he was the one who helped bring her to fame, and maybe she’d been known to steal jokes from other comedians on occasion, and maybe she was doing a disservice to women everywhere by pointing out their flaws and mercilessly mocking what they wore on the red carpet.  But you know what? Life needs some people like that!  Because otherwise this world would be so plain and vanilla and BORING, and that’s something all these people who get so offended at stuff don’t realize.  It’s good to be offended!  What could be worse then going through life never being offended by ANYTHING?  How would you ever challenge your mind, or test the boundaries of the limits of comedy?  Shouldn’t we constantly be trying to find the line and cross it every now and then, just because we can?

So i will miss Joan, because say what you want about her she DEFINITELY caused people to think, and more importantly she made me laugh.  She wasn’t a funny woman comedian, she was a funny comedian PERIOD.  Well maybe not period, because she probably hadn’t had that since 1957.  But with all of the boring, lame, timid people on this planet it was a joy to watch a person who would say whatever she wanted and literally didn’t give a F*CK.  And while all of us have free speech in this country, it is nice to have seen someone who actually used that right and did it to make people laugh.  So Rest in Peace Joan, you will be missed!

And oh yeah, if you are wondering what the Heidi Klum joke was that got people so offended from what i posted above, it was about Heidi’s outfit at an award show where Joan Rivers said, “The last time a German looked this hot was when they were pushing Jews into the ovens.”  Imagine having the balls to drop that joke on televison?  Yeah i can’t either.  But i’m glad someone did, and i’m even more glad she never apologized!


– (This is an old bit but it seems like an apt day to bring it back) The show “Fashion Police” is really pretty fantastic.  Because i mean lets face it, no one cares who wins awards at these shows.  All we care about is what these women were wearing!  And the only thing more fun then looking at pictures of these women in magazines with our friends at work and bad mouthing them is watching Joan Rivers and the Joan Rangers do so on a television show instead!

And i know that every guy reading this right now either wants to punch me in the face or throw up or both because i’m talking about fashion, but let me tell you my alpha male friends that Joan Rivers is straight up RUTHLESS.  Holy S that woman will say f’n ANYTHING.  i honestly can’t believe that show is on the E! channel, she’s just a curse word and some full frontal scenes away from getting her own show on HBO.  But she’s really funny, and in addition to that you get to see some hot girls wear some skimpy clothing which is always nice.  Especially when they do that “Guess me from Behind” bit where they show a girls ass and you have to guess who it is, a bit that i really appreciate.  But to all the fellas out there, if you’re constantly getting in trouble because your girl always has to watch what you want to watch, do yourself a favor and put this on and watch it because i guarantee that you’ll laugh and you won’t actually have to kill yourself watching the E channel for once!

– i’m convinced that only people who don’t drink wine have wine racks.  i mean yeah i love the wine rack in my house, but it is CLEARLY not a necessity.  People who have wine racks obviously have them because they enjoy wine, but my problem is if i buy a bottle i am going to drink it right away.  So basically the bottle never stays more then an hour on the rack, if that!  So i feel like the wine rack is a pointless investment, although sometimes i’m tempted to keep empty bottles on there just to give the “illusion” that i’m classy by making it look pretty and full.  But no, i never do that.  So instead i guess i’ll always be looking at an empty wine rack.  Oh well, i’m over it.  And besides, none of these racks fit my Box wine.  And yeah i know box wine sounds classless, but it’s delicious and cost effective!  And for the record i suggest Black Box.  The wine, not for women.

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – To all couples who sit on the same side of a booth at a restaurant when it is only the two of you… f’n grow up already!  “Whoo hoo we’re so in love!  We need to sit next to each other when we’re out because that shows how much in love we are with each other!!!”  Um, actually no, it doesn’t.  It’s immature insecure garbage and you look like aholes.  And this is obviously the girls idea because no guy would ever suggest that.  Alright fine, some guys would but only guys that are complete pu$$ys that will do whatever lame ass bull$hit their girlfriend suggests.

But for us hetero guys, sitting right next to your girl when it is just the two of you is straight up awfulness.  Not to mention impractical because it’s a million times easier to talk so someone when you can look right across at them!  i don’t know if i personally know of any couples that submit to this horrific trend, but if i do please let me know so i can make sure to ignore you both forever.  When i see couples that do this i don’t want them to die, but i do hope they get food poisoning and end up on the bowl for hours.  Hey, maybe you can find a bathroom with two toilet bowls right next to each other so you can hold hands while you deuce yourself to no end!  Now THAT is love!

A Great Name for a Punk Band! “Car Engine Cats”
That was from Jay John, and to be honest i had to look it up to get what it meant.  But i did look it up and i laughed because it’s hilarious and also i hate cats just not in that order.  Anyways, i also came up with a name and mine is…
A Great Name for a Punk Band! “The Yellow Bellies”
And no i’m not competing, i’m just saying mine is better.  No it’s not.
Fast Food Tips –  Speaking of $hitting next to the person you love, if you can’t afford to take a trip to Mexico but you would still like to experience explosive diarrhea you’re in luck!  Because Taco Bell has everything you need for your taste buds and butt cheeks pleasure with their all new “$1 Cravings Menu” where they actually sell items for a dollar! 
Which is really nice to see, because if you frequent Wendy’s, Burger King, McDonalds, and/or all 3 then you know those fast food places have only one to two items for a $1 on their “dollar” menu, TOPS!  Because if you haven’t noticed everything on their so called Dollar menu are really $1.49 to a $1.79 or even higher!  How do they get away with these lies and awfulness?!   But yeah good move by T Bell for bring an actual $1 menu back.  Taco Bell knows you crave horrific “food,” and it also knows we are cheap basterds.  Which is why it’s really nice to see a fast food chain that cares about their clients and gives them what want they want and/or need, even if it will kill us all when we $hit out our insides and coat the inside of our beautiful white toilet bowl 50 shades of Brown.
And that’s it for me today kids!  i hope everyone has a great weekend, and more importantly i hope i win all of my fantasy leagues when the NFL comes back on Sunday!  But go out and enjoy yourselves kids, have a drink with those you love because they won’t be here forever, and i’ll see you kids back here on Tuesday with an all new blog!


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