Hold tight, wait till the party’s over. Hold tight, we’re in for nasty weather. There has got to be a way, Burning down the house. – Talking Heads "Burning Down the House"

15 Jul

What is up kids?

So today is already a DISASTER, which sucks because as of now it’s only 9 am.  It’s such a bad day that i was definitely debating not putting out a new blog today, but i figured i would at least half ass one for you guys since i love you so much.  One because my ass is so big that even half of it is enough for a full blog.  And two because i got some pretty loyal readers, and even when i’m 15 or so minutes late putting my blog up i hear about it immediately.  Yes i’m talking about you Johnny Lats!!  i have a job now, you need to cut me some slack on my posting time!  And oh yeah, congrats to you on Germany winning the World Cup!  It’s nice to see Germans finally dominate the World like you always hoped they would.

Although to be honest, i will always think that the World Cup is bull$hit unless Mexico wins it.  i mean it’s Mexico for crying out loud!  All they do is play soccer!  That and eat rice and beans.  But seriously, how did we lose to an f’n team like the Netherlands?  They are as white as can be!  Something is wrong with this world!

And i know what you’re thinking.  “Of course you were rooting for Mexico you dirty Mexican!  Maybe if you spent more time playing soccer instead of mowing lawns and washing dishes and hanging outside of Home Depot you would have won the game!”  First of all, F you you racist f*ck!  Secondly, i didn’t think Mexico was going to win just because i’m Mexican.  It’s also because they had the best goalie in the world.  i mean for real, i still can’t figure out how anyone got any goals by him!

But Mexico not winning the World Cup isn’t the reason today sucks so bad.  The reason today is HORRIFIC is because my air conditioner broke last night and i literally want to cry.  It’s now doing some thing where it turns on for like a minute and then shuts off by itself, and it keeps doing that for awhile until it just shuts off completely.  And if there is ANYTHING that you should have learned about me by now reading this blog it’s that i truly believe air conditioning is the greatest invention ever, and add to the fact that a “slightly” overweight large man who sweats profusely whenever it’s the least bit humid out i cannot live with AC.  So even though i was exhausted after working late last night i ended up having to sleep naked with some awful fan blowing on me (What was his name?), lying in a puddle of what i can only describe as “Taco Sweat.”  i was sweating more then a guy on Molly wearing a parka at the Equator!

So yeah i’m in a pretty awful and irritable mood today which is why i’m gonna cut this rant short right now.  i need to figure out what i’m going to do about this because i definitely can’t afford a new AC at the moment and this fan bull$hit is NOT going to work!  So enjoy the ha ha’s that i give you today, and if any one’s got any ideas on how to cool down please let me know!


– If you don’t know what FXX is then you obviously don’t watch as much quality television as you should.  And by “quality” i mean that channel has the new seasons of “It’s Always Sunny” and that’s about it i think.

But they are getting “The Simpsons” next month and to celebrate the show coming to their channel they are going to have a marathon where they show EVERY SIMPSONS EPISODE EVER!!  Starting on August 21st they will have a 12 day, 522 episode marathon where they will show every Simpsons episode starting from the beginning.  And to answer your next two questions yes i have already asked to take those 12 days off from work, and yes i’ve ordered adult diapers that i can wear so i never even have to leave my bed.  Best summer ever!!!

– Speaking of animation, has everyone been enjoying the new “Angry Birds” game that has just come out?  So far i can’t even get past level one…

That was a joke posted by my good pal Bill H who had a birthday yesterday so i’d like to say  Happy birthday buddy!  And thank you for letting me steal your humor for my blog!  Especially because i always just do it and never ask!

And happy birthday to my younger brother Tomas, who is just about as awesome of a person on this planet that there is.  He’s super nice, he’s got a great sense of humor, an incredible work ethic, and has as amazing wife and child that i also love dearly.  And good for Tomas, because he deserves it more then anyone i know.  And i love him so much and even though he’s my younger brother i am totally the one looking up to him my entire life.  So i hope it was a good one hermano!  We will celebrate next time i see you!

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Is there anything better then walking into the bathroom at work in the morning and all of the lights turning on when you walk in?  Some of you have zero clue what i’m talking about, but others are saying “Yes i know!!  That’s the best feeling ever!”  Well it’s the latter people i’m talking to, because they understand the fantastic feeling of walking into the bathroom and realizing you’re the first person to be in there.  Because normally using the bathroom at work is the bad combo of interacting with people you are trying to avoid all day, combined with them either having their junk in their hand or their pants around their ankles as they leave a Katrina like disaster in the stall next to you.  And i won’t even include the horrificness of the smells you have to endure after your lovely co-worker makes a pitstop after eating that horrible smelling lunch that stunk up the entire office and leaves a smell that is a cross between raw fish and curry covered in bad cheese.

But none of that matters when you walk into the bathroom and the lights go on, because not only does that mean you have the bathroom to yourself but you also get the pleasure of not sitting on a seat that is still warm from the disgusting butt cheeks that were only on it only a few seconds ago.  This may sound like a simple joy, but it’s the simple pleasures in life that make me happy.  You may say i’m a dreamer, but i’m not the only guy…

“MOMbook posters”-
C’mon mom’s, really?  That’s all you got for me?  i get it, you’re a mom.  Either do something besides tell me about your kid or get off of Facebook and get on Mombook.  Unless you’re my brothers wife Heather and you’re posting pictures of my nephew/Godson, he’s the cutest ever and i can’t get enough!!!

Fast Food Tips – So this is an old one but still a tip worth repeating.  Which is also how i hope my girlfriend feels about my penis.  Anyways, after the release of Dunkin Donuts mouth watering and crotch wettening “donut” bacon and egg breakfast sandwich, fast food places everywhere are trying to come up with the next big life threatening food item.  That’s why it’s no surprise that some restaurant called “Chicken Charlie’s” has invented the Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe sandwich!

This monstrosity puts savory sloppy joe drenched in tomato sauce and cheese on a ridiculously addicting Krispy Kreme donut, the perfect way to eat an unhealthy breakfast/lunch that will be sure to keep your cheeks on the bowl for hours making your own personal sloppy joes.  And it also makes you the exact person that i hope i don’t sit next to me in the stall at work at lunchtime.  Either way eating this pile of delicious nonsense sounds like a plan to me!!

Fast Food FACTSNow before you read that last fast food tip and start a downward eating spiral into fast food shame that will only be stopped by diabetes and obesity, here is a chart to let you know just how much wood pulp is being put into your fast food.  And yes you heard me right, f’n wood pulp in your food!  Maybe it’s time to hit up Trader Joes or Whole Foods instead…

And that’s it for me today kids!  Hopefully they’re aren’t too many spelling and/or grammar mistakes or at least more then usual.  Because like i said i’m writing this in my room right now and there is NO GDDAMN AIR CONDITIONING!!!  But i suffered through this because i love you all, so show me your appreciation by sharing this blog with your friends and/or enemies or maybe even dropping some love in the comments section here and/or on Facebook.  Or don’t and it won’t matter because it’s too hot for me to check and/or get angry anyway.

But i hope you are all having a better day then me, keep cool and i will talk to you kids Friday with an all new blog!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


One Response to “Hold tight, wait till the party’s over. Hold tight, we’re in for nasty weather. There has got to be a way, Burning down the house. – Talking Heads "Burning Down the House"”

  1. Johnny Lats July 15, 2014 at 10:31 pm #

    This was a great blog, but it's missing one thing. Kate Upton pics. I would like to request more kate upton pics, preferably pre-wall photos with lats displayed prominently and in focus. If you could find a photo of hitler, also with lats displayed prominently and in focus it might be the perfect blog. Like most guys, if I'm not whacking off to kate upton I'm usually whacking off to adolf hitler. Although in my mind he's a younger, more nervous adolf.


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