Most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bull$hit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen – not true. Bull$hit is everywhere. Bull$hit is rampant. Parents are full of $hit, teachers are full of $hit, clergymen are full of $hit, and law enforcement people are full…of…$hit. – George Carlin "You Are All Diseased"

8 Jul

This entire country is completely full of $hit, and always has been. From the Declaration of Independence to the Constitution to the Star-Spangled Banner, it’s still nothing more than one big steaming pile of red, white and blue, all-American bull$hit. Because, think of how we started. Think of that. This country was founded by a group of slave-owners who told us all men are created equal. Oh yeah, all men, except for Indians and n*ggers and women, right? – George Carlin


What is up kids?

How was everyone’s 4th of July weekend?  i hope it was good as mine, because mine was the MONEY!  Spending July 4th in Cape Cod with my family and the love of my life? Doesn’t get much better then that!  It was literally almost the perfect weekend!  Minus me being a drunken ahole Saturday night and being super hungover for my drive home Sunday and for the SEVEN HOURS it took to drive back home because I-95 is the worst gddamn highway on the planet!!! If that road was an actual person i would slit it’s parents throats in front of him before sexually violating his kids with a New York Subway toilet plunger and then using his face and throat as a toilet after a late night binge of whiskey and spicy Indian food and White Castle.

“OMG miguel how can you talk that way?? Violating kids and using someone’s face as a toilet?  That’s disgusting and wrong, you are a terrible human being!”  Um, you do realize i was making hypothetical jokes about doing this to a highway that i am pretending was a human for this bit right?  Are you really getting offended by these thoughts about an imaginary street made of gravel and cement and pot holes and what i would do to it?  Because if you are maybe you should take a look at yourself in the mirror and figure out what you are doing so wrong in your life.

But yeah other then the hell that is I-95 and the worst state in our country Connecticut i had one of the best weekends ever, despite the fact that it was over before i even blinked!  But overall i’m in a super fantastic mood, even though before we get to the nonsense i just want to clear up one thing about my Hobby Lobby rant that i did last week.  Especially because they just opened a new store in New Jersey for all of the people who hate women to shop in!  Because i’ll tell you now i’m not going to take anything back that i said.  If you are a woman and you shop and/or work at Hobby Lobby and are fine with Corporations and the Government telling you what you are allowed to do with your body well then i feel bad for you.  Because you should take a look at yourself in the mirror and figure out what you are doing so wrong in your life.

But ANYWAYS the thing i wanted to clear up is that while i told every woman, minority, and middle class and/or poor person that they’d be CRAZY to ever vote for a Republican when they openly make laws to hurt and take away all of your rights i by no means want you to think that i’m a Democrat.  Or a Liberal.  Or ANYTHING that i would let you label me!  Are you kidding?  Why would i play such a stupid game as trying to join some sort of political “team” instead of just standing up for what i believe in and doing what i want. That’s one of the things that is so wrong with this country, everyone just wants to link up to a group like it’s a gang and battle other gangs like this is “The Warriors.”

But don’t you fret my faithful readers.  While i’m smart enough to realize what maniacs and uncaring aholes Republicans are there’s no way i would ever blindly vote for a Democrat or even call myself one.  i won’t join your silly reindeer games, i’m just going to watch and point and laugh and sometimes cry.  And while i will participate by voting and paying intention to your insanity, but don’t ever for one second think i’ll play by your rules.  Because when it comes to teams i’m on the corner of my friends and family and my love first no matter what label they use.  Unless of course you are a big fan of the NRA and the Tea Party, because if you truly believe in those groups then you should take a look at yourself in the mirror and figure out what you are doing so wrong in your life.  Enjoy the nonsense!


– In the greatest news ever category, apparently there is going to be a new George Carlin album coming out comprised of all previous unreleased material.  So just like Biggie Smalls, Carlin is going to be “Born Again” and i couldn’t be happier!  i don’t know if it’s newer stuff or older stuff, but when it comes to new Carlin could you possibly care less?  All i want is more teachings from the master!

– So it feels funny that it’s Summer and there are no new episodes of “VHS Breakdown” out right now. But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy this blast from the past, our director and WWE Network Producer Rob Miceli proudly states this is his FAVORITE episode and movie ever.  So why not do him a favor and relive the masterpiece that is “Just One of the Guys!”

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE- Does anyone else ever watch a movie or T.V. show and see a courtroom scene and always think the same thing as me, and that is “Holy $hitballs i would be the worst guy EVER on the witness stand in a courtroom!”  For real, i can’t remember people’s names that i just met two seconds ago!  Now i’m supposed to remember what i did some random Saturday night 6 months ago when i was totally $hitfaced?  i mean hopefully i’m never in this situation, although i am a minority so the chances of me being in a courtroom in my life are between definitely and 100 percent.

But anyways, i for real have the WORST memory, i would seem like the biggest liar ever!  “Um Mr. Jose, can you tell me where you were the night of the crime?”  Um…. no?  “Well then, can you tell us where you were last evening?” Um…. no?  My house probably?  Or maybe at my parents, i don’t know.  What day is this?  i don’t know where i am!!!   “Mr Jose, can you PLEASE tell us what you had for lunch today?  And remember, YOU ARE UNDER OATH!” Um…food?  NO! i’m lying!  i only had beers!!  Or maybe i blazed too, i don’t remember!  i’m not on trial, this whole system is on trial!!  i can’t handle the truth!!!  “As you can see this witness is clearly a liar.  I rest my case your honor.  Oh wait, and he’s a dirty spic!”  Cased Closed.

Fast Food Tips – Nobody goes to TGIFridays anymore, but in a blatant attempt to win people back they are now offering “Endless Apps” for 10 beans.  Which basically means you can order an app and get all you can eat of that one app for $10.  Which for a fat F like me sounds like a great deal, and i for one won’t mind getting a chance to punish that franchise for being aholes.

Do you all remember that story about the Fridays in NJ?  Remember when they did that report about how all these TGIFridays were selling lower end liquor in high end bottles and screwing over most of the franchises in New Jersey?!  Way to go dicks!  i’m going to spend $10 and eat you out of house and home, and then like Jon Taffer says you are going to SHUT IT DOWN!!!
– So i used to be the biggest “Opie and Anthony” fan back in the day.  i f’n thought their W.O.W campaign was genius and hilarious and i thought they were WAY funnier then Howard Stern.  Maybe not early Stern, but Howard in his last years on terrestrial radio?  Ugh, all he did was bitch and complain about EVERYTHING like this annoying Mexican/Dominican guy i know who writes a blog.

Anyways, if you haven’t heard the news Anthony Cumia has been fired from their Sirius show, mostly for a racist tirade that he had on twitter against a black girl and her black friends.  And even though she started it and hit him i for one am glad he was fired.  Not so much because i believe he should be fired for his tweets, but moreso because he is a racist basterd and he’s also a right wing gun nut lunatic and i’ve had enough of his bull$hit.  And i’m not even saying it’s right if he’s fired, i’m just saying i’m glad it happened because i don’t care.  And i would also never pay for satellite radio, and i could care less if he’s gone since i don’t listen to them now anyways.  But to Anthony Cumia, regardless of whether you deserve it or not for your racist tweets, it is still sure nice to drop a….

 iAnd that’s it for me today kids!  Once again i have started a new job so if there are more spelling and gramatical errors then usual it’s because i gots a tad less time to make these as perfect as i want.  Lucky for you they are still f*cking HILARIOUS and informative and it’s free to read this comedy as well!  So you don’t have to thank me, but i will say “You’re welcome!”

But i hope you have a great week, share this with your friends if you remember the face of your father and i’ll see you kids on Friday!

Cya, @migueljose_85 on Twitter


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