I don’t know any comedian who tailors his act towards his audience. Maybe people say they do, but I can’t even imagine them. – Colin Quinn

27 Jun

What is up kids?

“Forget what’s up with us!  How is your new job?  Did you get fired yet? Are you going to write about it on today’s blog, and then make fun of it like you did your old place?  And are you still going to re-post your old blogs that got you fired starting next week???  Well ARE you???  ANSWER US ALREADY!!!!”

Um… first of all.  Calm down.  Have some dip.

Secondly, i’m at work right now.  i don’t have time to get into all of this heavy nonsense, especially on a Friday!  On a SUMMER Friday that is.  And for real, what about me makes you think i would answer all of those questions? i HATE questions!!!

And c’mon kids, it’s Friday, it’s the gddamn weekend, so let’s not worry about all of these little things! Although speaking of questions, there is only one question that interests me these days.  And no, it’s not any of those awful ones you asked me before.  i’m talking about a question about not only the big things, but quite possibly, the BIGGEST thing.

Because when it comes down to it the only real question i have in this life is, “What if?”  And if there is an answer to this it is best explained by the one and only Van Hanson, aka, Rob Miceli.  Enjoy! And Happy Friday!!!


– “I don’t always drink beer.  But when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.”  But wait, if you don’t always drink beer, why would i take your recommendation?  Shouldn’t i ask someone who DOES drink beer all the time?  That would seem to make a lot more sense to me.  Let’s put it this way, if i wanted to know who had the best pizza i wouldn’t ask some skinny vegan chick who never eats it. i would ask a big fat tub of lard who eats pizza basically every day.   And by basically i mean i eat pizza everyday.  Ugh, i’m fat…
“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE – Someone needs to design a “healthy” hangover food already.  Like a quinoa tofu salad made from bacon and fast food meat dunked in grease and fat.  And yes i get if you made it like that and dunked it in that stuff it wouldn’t be healthy anymore, that’s why i said someone else has to design it!  Because i can handle eating healthier, what i can’t handle is not drinking half a bottle of Fireball Whiskey and playing 3 best of 7 games of beer pong 4 times a week and dealing with the hangover i get afterwards.  And trust me, that may be a lot of calories but i make up for it by not eating food and the exercise i get while playing beer pong.
But my life would be a million times better if when i woke up puking and filled with anxiety and shame that i could also have a greasy disgusting breakfast sandwich to make me feel better that was also healthy. Can someone get on that please?  Thanks!!

“Facebook Etiquette”-

“OLD SCHOOL” NONSENSE DOS- Hey people who call out “sick” from work, when you come in the next day you don’t have to do that awful acting job of pretending like you’re still really sick to convince us.  We didn’t believe you when you called out yesterday and we certainly don’t believe you today.  And trust us, no one gives a $hit anyway.  We all saw you post that Facebook status saying “At the mall for Christmas shopping!”  Or when you tagged yourself at that movie with your friend.  Or when you tweeted “What a great day to have off!”  We all know this and we all don’t care, they are your sick days so do with them what you wish.  

But when you come in the next day acting like Meryl Streep on her death bed, coughing and wheezing and having to tell EVERYONE the same story about your stomach bug and how you couldn’t move and stop throwing up and how you almost went to the doctor, THAT is when we all hate you.  So just leave out the part the next day when you attempt to win that Academy award and everyone will be fine. 
Fast Food Tips – Does anybody ever go to Long John Silvers?  No?  Yeah me neither.  i don’t even know where the closest one of those is to me, and i even know where the closest Cracker Barrel to my house is and i’ve never even been to that one yet.  Actually we did pull into the Cracker Barrel parking lot on the way home from camping and it was too packed so we left and went to Bennys which is an awesome breakfast place by me to eat and i have to say it was one of the MONEYEST breakfasts ever!!!

Anyways, if anyone likes and/or can find one LJS is giving away free fish and fries this Saturday June 28th from 11 am to 3 pm.  And i’m sure no one cares or is interested because this place sucks and no one goes.  But the Jewish friends that i have like my boy Chuck loves free things.  So here ya go buddy, have at it! For Free!

And that’s it for me today kids.  Although i will be nice and answer at least one of your questions from before and let you know that i’m not going to be re-posting those old blogs from when i got fired next week.  Not yet anyways.  i thought it’d be funny to post them now that i’m at a money new place, and i thought it would be fun and easy and lazy to re-post them but i decided against it for now.  i’m in a good mood and what’s the point of re-hashing that past nonsense anyway?  When have i ever done that on my blog?  Never! 
But have a great weekend, remember it’s Friday and it’s the Summer and i will see you guys back here on Tuesday!


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